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Sunday, December 30, 2007



Hey Adrian! You're having a decent day today. Minus that fumble that just occured. Mmm those constant fumbles might be your demise. Maybe you should consider acting. Your twin did alright with that.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Time for Round 2

Neckbeard had high expectations against a very weak Minnesota passing defence, but failed to come through. Although a little old now, from KSK:

"I have a friend who has another friend who is roommates with Orton. Apparently, Orton was very displeased about the prospect of starting for the Bears, because it meant the end of the gravy train. He knows he isn't good enough to be a pro QB, and that he looks far more appealing on the bench than in a real game. I love Kyle Orton."

You just know that has to be true.

He gets another shot against a much better Green Bay defence. I think it's safe to say we can expect 4 first downs and 175 total yards from Chicago (at best). Chicago's defence won't be able to force the Packers into making as many mistakes as Tarvaris Jackson, therefore they won't get as many field goal opportunities in Green Bay's half (the only way they score points with Orton).

And the neckbeard on Neckbeard? Still stronger than ever.

5 Reasons Why MTV is Destroying the World

MTV is the worst thing (animal, company, corn products, etc.) ever. Here's why.

1.Programming

MTV puts shows like "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and "The Hills" on tv. What are they about? Snotty, slutty, rich girls who do whatever the fuck they want and generally act like bitches the entire time. Well...that'll help how people see women. The more girls see these fake actresses acting like morons, the more they try and imitate it.

" Oh my Gawwwwd, did you see Jessica was totally hitting on Jason yesterday, and LIKE DID YOU SEE HER TUBE TOP???"

The shows are about nothing. Fake, scripted lives that encourage zero thinking. It's putting your own life on hold to watch a fake life of someone else. MTV tries to make the viewer think they're watching a real important life and how "cool" people live their life. Let's all aspire to be retarded!
What is MTV? Shit. Plain and simple. They might as well have some guy taking a dump on TV for 24 hours a day. Hell, I'd watch that. At least then I'm not being fooled into thinking I'm watching anything more.


2. The guy that looks like Jake Gyllenhaal on those aftershows

First off, not only do they make stupid fake life shows that look real, they have shows on what people watching the shows think. Frankly, I'm surprised the people on the aftershow have discovered they have the ability to form coherent words using their mouths.

This "Dan Levy," as I guess he's known, host these aftershows. He leads these idiot conventions. So...Dan Levy, fuck you and die.

3. Required Thinking

MTV encourages the viewer to become wrapped up in scripted lives, using the aftershows to further analyze this pointlessness. It's like minus thinking.

Stephen King wrote a book called Cell, where a signal was emitted at once through all cell phones immediately in use at the time. This signal completely erased all natural instincts of the human brain, "erasing their hard drives." People who weren't on their phones at the time of this possible terrorist signal promptly got on their cell phones to tell other people about the crazy behaviour they saw, then got their minds erased by the signal. People, understandably, became absolutely fucking crazy and stupid.

MTV is that signal.

Not only does it fuck up your mind, it fucks it up so much you become dumber by watching it.

4. Lack of sports

There's no sports. In fact, if there was ever anything opposite to sports, it would be MTV. MTV is to sports what David Wells is to dieting. They're just that far apart.

MTV encourages distractions from the things that matter, namely sports.

5. The tangled web of influence

MTV should be watched solely by girls between the age of 13 and 20. Anyone outside of that group should either be:

a. a pedophile trying to learn how to talk like teenage girls

b. someone who, while flipping through the channels, saw a girl in a bikini and stopped to check her out.

The thing is, this influence on teenage girls extends to the people around them. Girls watch shows like "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." The girl's perception of the right guy becomes some open-collared, muscly-armed douchebag that looks like a 25 year-old no matter what age they are. Now obviously women can control guys, so they'll shape the guy to their liking, making the guy into a different person. This new image starts to wear off on other guys as they see that these douchebags get the girls. The virus spreads from there.

God I hate MTV.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Here we go

It's the night of reckoning...

LIGHT IT UP NECKBEARD

Friday, December 14, 2007

Dumbass LeRetard



I'm Dan LeBatard! I'm retarded! BAM!

God PTI sucks if its not Tony and Mike

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ads I Approve Of, and Ads I Do Not

Approve- The Jeep Liberty commercial with the animals falling into the Jeep. First the squirrel, then the birds, then the wolf. Seriously I really love this commercial. It's hilarious. Why are they falling into the jeep? Why does the guy look like if he stops singing they'll kill him? Who cares? Funny shit.

Approve- The pepsi commercial with tony romo. I hated this commercial when it first came out, but now I've grown fond of it. FAR-LAAAHHH!!It must have grown on me. Wade doesn't question the play at all. I also like Tony Romo give the play in the huddle. There's no questioning the play-calling on this team at all.

Disapprove- Accutron. A watch commercial. So what happens in it? A fairly muscular man takes his shirt off and the camera rotates around him. A girl does the same thing in a sports bra. The shot alternates between rotating around the man, the woman, and the watch. Are they implying that the watch is nicely sculpted? Is it possible they are retarded?

Disapprove- Bell commercials. The badly animated beavers are so unfunny. Why they the continue putting them in commercials is beyond me.

Disapprove- Obviously all Rogers commercials. They'll only get worse this holiday season too.

Approve- The Chuck Norris commercial for some soft drink.

Disapprove- The "My Sportscenter" commercials. The people doing them always say stupidly scripted things with short halting pauses in between really fast shots of their sport. I hate them.

Oh my God! Fumble!



Hey!

What's that? Is that the ball? ITS THE BALL!

FUMBLLLLLLEEEE!

Everybody! Get the ball! It's loose!

I got it I got it I got it... Look at me! I'm so fast! Everybody is looking at me...I am the center of attention. I am the next Primetime...look how fast I run, faster than our gay fuck of runningback. YAAAA!!! Look at me go!

Why isn't anyone else cheering? Why is that ref laughing at me?

(runs by ref)

COCK-SUCKING PISS DRINKER!

(keeps running)

I'm at the 20...the 10! Touchdown for meeeeeeee!

Everybody! Look! I have the ball...I am the best defensive player in the world! Our defense is incredible!



...

WHAT? WHATCHU MEAN "INCOMPLETE PASS?!" That's BULLSHIT...I saw that ball clearly come..WHAT?! A FLAG? for what? When? I didn't say that...fuckin cock-sucking piss drinker...

Dammit Jerry. I was just finishing the play, you know? Coach always says don't give up...I don't care if was blatantly obvious that it was incomplete. Hey...I'm not retarded.

I just want to be loved.

That's all I ever wanted...

Thursday Night Football With...Bryant and Cris


tuning into this Thursday night game: Denver at Houston

"click"

BG: Hey everybody! Greg Gumbel here! Along with Joe Buck in the booth tonight...

Cris Collinsworth: "For the last fucking time...CRIS."

BG: Thanks for tuning into what seems to be tonight's broadcast from what looks like Mile High! We've got what appears to be a packed house for this matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Houston Oilers...The players appear to be ready to get this thing started. Any thoughts on how this will turn out, Bob?

CC: "The Broncos should be way more pr"

BG: OOP and the kick is off, annnnnd it looks like the Broncos really "booted" that one!
The Broncos returned the kick to somewhere around the 20...so we'll see Shane Rosenfield take the field for the Texans. He's got Andrew Jackson back at wide receiver so you KNOW they might possibly be ready to play...

First play...OHHHHH Andrew Hall bursts through the middle...and he'll have what seems to be a big gain up the middle for what would appear to be a first down.

CC: Appear? I think a 28 yard run can be classified as a first down...

BG: The Broncos are sending Travis Henry into the game as a sub now.

CC: Are you listening? Do you hear what I'm saying to you?

Bg: What was that Bob?

CC:...

Bg: back to the game

CC: YEARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

(Bashes Gumbel in face with his stool)

"commercial break"

update: Bryant Gumbel isn't commenting on the game today. Where could he be?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Occasional Beef

In honour of the original concept of this blog, I'll be filling you in on things I come across that are unforgivably fucking stupid. I find that TV producers do a great job of helping me find these things, so most will be TV based.


MuchMusic

First off, I fucking hate almost all mainstream music. No matter how good a song might be, if it goes mainstream, it will eventually make you fucking crazy. You know who's fault that is? MuchMusic's (And regular radio, but luckily I'm no longer subjected to that bullshit). Other than Video On Trial, they have the shittiest programming I can find on TV. That may be because they have no programming whatsoever - as proven by the recent OC marathons every fucking day.

MuchVibe and RapCity are fucking abortions. I blame it on the fact that they refuse to have lesser known artists on the shows - they think that hip-hop revolves solely around Jay-Z and Akon. Not only that, but it's hard to listen to rap when every second word is taken out because society is mentally fucking weak. Actually, most stations have started to allow a lot of the "bad" words - shit, bitch, ass, but not fuck - but of course, MuchMusic can't have any of that. Pussies. This sounds completely made up, and I wouldn't blame anybody for not believing me, but while watching MuchVibe the other day, the playlist went like this: Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown. How the fuck does that happen? Why the fuck did I keep watching?

The Countdown is actually what gets me the most pissed off. This doesn't even necessarily have to be pinned on MuchMusic; every music countdown is the same. The first problem with this stupid system is that songs start at the bottom and have to make an absolutely painfully slow climb to the top. By the time a song gets to the top, it's been on the countdown for about 8-10 weeks already, being played 15 times a day. To make things worse, it stays at the top for another 5 or so weeks, where it's plays per day gets bumped up even more. It's a vicious circle from hell. The second problem is that it's just fucking annoying music. How about putting a little variety in your music selection instead of showing the same bullshit every fucking day?

I can't believe I watch enough of this shit to know all of this. I couldn't even put half of my anger towards it into words. Fergie's music is ridiculous...just shit terrible. Same with Maroon 5. Fucking embarassing.

The Restitution of Kyle Orton

In celebration of Neckbeard's ascent to the rank known as elite starting quarterback and domination of the Vikings on Monday, tomorrow there will be a shit-load of posts. They won't neccesarily be about the Neckbeard, but he'll probably be included in some way.

So get your posts ready..ITS A CELEBRATION BITCH.

Larry Holmes

is being inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame.

This should be an advertising dream for Larry's Grillmaster.

Return of the Neckbeard


The Neckbeard will start
next Monday night against the Vikings. On national TV!

Hide the Jack Daniels.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Weekly NFL Rankings

NFC

last week I said fuck the monday night game.

Well fuck me right in the ass.
These will be shorter than the AFC...and with a slightly angrier tone.



1. Dallas- ROMO. You fucking dick. All you do is run around and shotput the fucking football to whatever receiver is open. Looks like it's a fucking cakewalk out there.

2. Green Bay- Okay Aaron Rodgers, whats with the two "a"s in your name. You think you're sneaky A-Aron? I'm watching you. Or at least I'd like to be. Take a ride on the fucking pine Brett Favre. Let Jake Plummer's caveman successor have a go.

3. Minnesota- Minnesota is fucking BALLING right now. Jackson is starting to learn how to play QB, Purple Jesus is back, Sidney Rice is emerging, I'm telling you, they are gonna come close to winning the AFC.

4. Seattle- Buck the fuck up Tiki.

5. Tampa Bay-

6. New York- I hate this team. Way too inconsistent. Their jerseys are way too tight and their gray pants make me vomit.

7. Philadelphia- If Andy Reid concentrated as hard on winning as he does grooming his mustache, they'd be incredible.

8. Arizona- Go Kurt Warner! You're a fucking robot!

9.Detroit-

10. New Orleans-

11. Washington- Good luck with Todd Collins

12. Chicago Bears- What happened to this defence? Adam Archuleta.

13. St. Louis Rams- Brock Berlin

14. Carolina Panthers- David Carr

15. San Fran-

16. Atlanta- Chris Redman

Friday, December 7, 2007

Bryant Gumbel Seems To Be Retarded

When I watch a football game, I'm usually lucky enough to notice certain things like tipped balls, blocked kicks, interceptions, and the occasional touchdown. Bryant Gumbel, however, is not so lucky. He is somehow blessed with the ability to make you question things that you know you just witnessed.

On the Bears first field goal attempt, Robbie Gould's 48-yard field goal attempt was clearly tipped at the line, causing it to move in unnatural directions and stop at the 10 yard line. Or so it seemed. Gumbel tried to convince us that Gould is just that shitty of a kicker that he can't even get the ball to go 40 yards in a straight line. Luckily for him, modern technology exists and the producer was nice enough to show him a replay. During that replay, Gumbel - completely amazed by what he just discovered - exclaims: "That ball appeared to be tipped, Cris! It seems the Redskins may have got a hand on it!" Meanwhile, Collinsworth (thank God I like him at least) sat there speechless at his partner's lack of vision and common sense.

On the Redskins first field goal attempt (fuck you Suisham, pussy), Shaun Suisham's 47-yard field goal was straight enough, but landed about 3-4 yards short. Already pissed off that he didn't have the leg to kick a football 50 yards, I had to listen to Gumbel tell me that it was good. I don't know what the fuck he was looking at, but he actually made me think it might have made it. Turns out he was wrong again. Dumbass.

On countless other plays, Gumbel would just say the same stupid shit that confused me every time. He actually made me wish Tony Kornheiser did more games. On touchdown plays: "That ball appeared to be caught for a touchdown!" On 1st and 10 plays, after a guy would run for 18 yards: "They seem to be past the first down marker, Cris." Jesus H. Christ, it fucking happened! Nothing "seems" to be happening, it fucking IS! Get some goddamn judgment and tell us what actually happened on the field.

Except on field goals. Wait for a replay and think about it for a while.

So Close

This here blog's namesake had a scary moment the other day when Rex Grossman went down in the Bears-Redskins game...



...he couldn't remember if he had bought a bottle of Jack Daniels in real life or if he had bought it in a dream.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Oh No

This week in the NFL there were many games that were decided on dumb rules.
Ben Utecht fumbled that ball. Colts win.
Winslow was forced out. Buzzsaw wins.
Gaffney didn't have control. Fuckheads win.
Joe Gibbs is an idiot. Bills win.


I propose some changes around the NFL. They might not necessarily help anything, but they'd certainly be better for the NFL.

-Yellow Footballs. Just think about that. Try to wrap your small brains around that idea. It’s remarkable. Yellow Footballs!

- Four point conversions. (Self Explanatory)

- Expansion teams in every area code. Why wouldn’t we have a 280 team league? There is literally no good reason not to.

- Have cheerleaders cheer in the aisles. I'm sure the Jets fans would approve.

- 3D something. I haven’t decided yet, but definitely 3D.

- No New England Patriots. Because they ruin the NFL for everyone who likes a team besides them.

- Mandatory touchdown celebrations. Whichever team does the best one gets three extra points.

- Landmines. Think about it..."He's all alone! No one can catch him! It'll be a touchdo...NO! He's stepped on a land mine! The Chiefs are racing over to recover the ball! What a game!"

- $5 Trough Fist. Every game will have a trough of all the great food they serve ground up into one cornucopia of awesomeness. For five bucks you can reach in and grab as much as you can fit in your fist.

Let's see some more in the comments. Don't be shy.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Impossible is nothing


Reggie Bush took 6(maybe 5) games to score his first touchdown. He kept the faith and just kept trying his best. Eventually a red-zone play was called in his favour and he overcame the staggering obstacle of not getting a touchdown for a short while. Impossible is nothing.

I was watching a really good porno, and my dick didn't get really hard until 46 seconds in. I just kept watching and eventually it got really hard. Impossible is nothing.

It took my dog longer than normal to find the ball that I threw in the snow. My dog just kept looking, never giving up, and eventually found it. The odds were against it, as the ball was covered with snow, but it kept sniffing around, eventually overcoming those difficulties. Impossible is nothing.

I couldn't find the remote for my TV. I looked everywhere. On the table. Under the table. Under the seat cushions. Fuck. It was on the armrest. I overcame everyone doubting me to find that remote. Impossible is nothing.

Donald Trump couldn't buy out a hotel chain, meaning he wouldn't have enough space to add on a solid gold boathouse to his summer mansion. He overcame the hotel's objections and just built another summer mansion a mile down the road and added a solid gold boathouse to that. Impossible is nothing.

Kyle Boller

is BOWLING over the Patriots...Ha!




I still can't decide if I want the Patriots to go undefeated or not. I really, truly hate the 72' Dolphins (Mercury Morris makes me want to stick a spoon in my fucking eye socket), but if the Patriots go undefeated then years from now they might be holding on to the same life-consuming record. At least the Dolphins will die out.

Fucking fucks.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Weekly NFL Rankings

Fuck the monday night game.

AFC

The pompous jackasses...

1.New England- Stupid awesome fuckers. They aren't unbeatable, but they're about as damn close as you can come to it. It's obvious their running game sucks, making them throw a lot. The thing is, the Patriots can throw all day long if they want to. We should all just sit back and enjoy the clusterfuck to the Superbowl.

2.Indianapolis- They are very good, and when Marvin Harrison is back and fully healthy, they will be able to challenge New England. After their slight midseason pants crap, they've come back to form and beat the very tough Jags. Manning gives the Colts the ability to win every week no matter who they play.

3.Pittsburgh- They have great defense, a tough offense, and Hines Ward's smiling. Tough to beat indeed. Like the Colts, they have no real glaring weaknesses. A game between them would be much like a battle between a turd sandwich and a giant douche.Very close.

The decent fucks...

4. Jacksonville- Solid. They would beat every other team in the conference except for the top three. It seems like they're really good, but Garrard can only make so many plays with Dennis "Penis" Northcutt and Reggie Williams.

5.A Whale's Vagina- They've rediscovered their offense, mainly LT. I think they'll really pick it up down the stretch. Or they'll collapse. This team can be really good or really bad. They could potentially take down one of the top three teams, but for some unk'NORV'n reason, they haven't lived up to expectations.

6. Cleveland- Their offense is very assiduous. Look that up, retards. Their defense is pretty shitty, but the Browns have the offensive power and ability to get into shootouts with other teams except the top three. They're a luckier version of the Bengals.

7. Tennessee- Their entire team winning apparently lies on a defensive tackle. If they make the playoffs, good fuckin luck.

You're feeling it, nice tits, nice ass, then the pants come off and you feel it. A bulge...

8. Cincinnati- If anything more could go wrong for this team, I don't know what that would be.

9. Denver- Champ is getting burned, the rest of their defense is getting run over, and their offense just ain't pulling through. Jay Cutler needs to be playing better, but at least Stan's dad thinks he'll be good someday.

10. Houston- They'd be better if Matt Schaub could finish just one game without being a fuckhead.

The shit slides down the leg...

11. Buffalo- I'm on to you Trent. You can't keep up this decent charade for much longer. I see your Bledsoe mobility and your spaghetti arm. Your team isn't that good and I don't like you or the rest of your offence. I do like your scrappy defence. And Marshawn Lynch. And Applebees.

12. Baltimore- C'mon Billick, you fired your best friend for THIS kind of offensive genius?

13. Oakland- Al Davis said he won't quit until the Raiders win a Superbowl. That had to have been a joke.

And plops onto the floor...

14. New York- Mangina's team ain't good at all.

15. Kansas City- Bad.

16. Miami- If touchdowns were cum, this team's defence would be a cum dumpster.



Dedicated to: Sean Taylor... and the sly couple in that Viagra commercial. They ditch going to a movie with their friends to presumably have sex. Recap: The couple seem to be all ready to drive to the movie after having met their friends at a restaurant (apparently). Then the SUV doesn't start. "Go ahead, we'll catch up!" the husband remarks. After they get back into the SUV, The audience then finds out the wife rigged the SUV to not start. The husband knowingly says "How did you know which wire to unhook?" The wife just looks smug.

What a pair. Why would they go to all the trouble to go out and get dressed up if they weren't planning on going out at all? Maybe they just didn't want to go to see that particular movie. It must have been Beowulf.

NFC later

Look out Tony Romo!


John Madden: "Does anybody in this league smile as much as Hines Ward?"

You've got company, Homo.

Fuck Joe Gibbs

I'll make a list of his bullshit later...I just need this to be here so I don't suddenly forget that he sucks.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

R.I.P Meast


He was one bad SOB, and it was awesome. He'll live on in my Madden franchise for years to come...until he retires.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Snake's Lament

YES! I LOVVVE retirement! I'm having a fucking ball. A BALL!



(sitting at home watching the monday nighter)


"Ohhhh Jay Cutler is sooo good at rolling out of the pocket! Look at the way he twists those hips to make those throws!"

Fuck that.

(takes a swig of whiskey)

You know who's better at rolling out? fucking ME.

I lead you to the playoffs, to A 14 AND 2 RECORD, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?

(takes shot of Daniels) WOO!

Nothing. Dick-all. So here I am stuck either fighting a gay fuckhead for a starting job, or retiring.
Well...queers be damned.

(another swig of whiskey)

Now I'm stuck at home, playing HANDBALL for christ's sake. HANDBALL! Is that even a fucking sport?

Eric Plummer: Hey! C'mon now, we got fourth in last week's tournament and you were ecstatic about it. Don't be tryi..

Bah! I was faking...Who in their right mind would choose handball over football? I choose feet over hands!
I (chugs an Old Milwaukee)...what?

DAMMIT I could be out there...I SHOULD be out there. I can do that easy.
I'm the SNAKE.

(shot of Daniels)

HAHA I bite your wife's titties with my FANGS! Oh yeah!!! Football!!
Whats a....SHIT I should be playing. Why aren't I playing? I should play for the Broncos!

(swig of whiskey)

Hey! They're playing right now! I better get to the stadium. Whoop... don't forget the ROAD BEERS BABAAAYYY!!!

(driving to the stadium) WELCOME TO THE JUNNGGGGLLEEEE ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES...WE GOT EVERYTHING except JAKKKKE PLUMMMMAAAAA!!!

(Storming post-game conference)

Guys! GUYS! I'm here! Don't worry! Let's go... what are you waiting for? TO THE FIELD!!! I'm back...where's my uniform? Why is everyone standing around? SHANNY! c'mere...give your ol' boy a hug. How ya been? Where's your little fuck buddy? OH THERE HE IS! JAY! Remember me! I'm BACK bitch. Lets see how YOU like having your starting job taken away. PLUMMER is BACCCKK!!!! GET PUMPED!!! HEY! GET BACK!!BACK PLUMMER GOES...HE ROLLS OUT OF THE PODIUM...TOUCHDOWN!!!! (tackled by security guards)

(Security drags Jake away and throw him outside)


Ah FUCK..

DAMN YOU SHANAHANANAHAN! IMMA GET MY REVENGE!


(barfs)


HEYYOUioughtakickyourWHERESMYCAR?ahfuckit....I'lljust...BOO!



Sunday, November 4, 2007

Transformers Goofs

I love Transformers, but after recently re-watching the movie, I could not help but notice many errors.


Factual Error: In the city battle scene, Mikaela is seen driving Bumblebee around in a tow truck while he shoots at the Decepticons. She is driving very fast, as well as backwards and weaving through traffic. As Mikaela is a girl, how could she be driving this way and not crashing? It's preposterous that a woman could even pass another driver, never mind going backwards fast.

Human Error: When Mikaela is walking home from the lake party, my throbbing dong opened up a cream factory inside my pants. I need new pants.



Factual Error: When U.S. Soldiers are running from Scorponok in a middle eastern country, they run into a town of Middle Easterns that decide to help them. What gives?


Weird Error: At the very beginning of the movie, Blackout(helicopter) destroys an entire army base in minutes. When he's in the city, a rag-tag group of soldiers take him down no problem. Get your head out of your ass Blackout. Fuckhead.

Continuity Error: During the city battle scene, Barricade(police car) says he's on his way, but never shows up. The Decepticons procede to lose the battle and most of them die. Where the fuck did Barricade go?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Tony Kornheiser's Bedtime Thoughts




Tom Brady.


Tom Brady Tom Brady.
Tom Brady? Brady Brady Brady Brady.
Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady.
Tommmmmmmmmmmmm BRADY.
Tommmmmmmmmmmmm Bradyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Tom Brady.


Peyton Manning? TOM BRADY!

TOM! BRADDDDYYYYY! TOM! BRADDDYYYYYYYY!




Tom Brady.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

a need to see basis

Friday, October 5, 2007

Changes

This blog will now be known as the neckbeard brigade.

ASSLICKER DICKFART!

Hooray

ass!...ASS!

The second half of season 11 of South Park kicked off on Wednesday.

DONKEY BONER!

First one is about cartman and tourette's syndrome...now that i think about it's amazing they didn't think about the concept sooner.

PISSSSSS! PISS COMING FROM MY ASSSS!!

www.allsp.com has it up, so hurry and go watch it.

COCK! TAMPON DICKSHIT!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Strap Yourself In...





The 2007-08 NHL season has begun. Analysis' and predictions upcoming!

Monday, October 1, 2007

The Patriots Offensive Woes Continue


38-14

38-14

38-7

34-13


Notice a trend?

A once mighty Patriots offence has experienced a significant drop off in points scored.

Not only have the Patriots decreased their total point output, but the injuries keep adding up in a vastly depleted WR corps.

Their score of 34-13 this week is reflection of just how bad things have regressed in New England, when the once mighty Patriots look be coming back to Earth. When I asked how he felt about only winning 34-13 against the Bengals, one seemingly die-hard fan replied: "What the hell are you talking about ONLY winning 34-13? We fucking kicked their ass!" Insulted, I kicked him in the groin, elbowed him in the back of the head, then ran away.

With Kelley Washington out of the lineup AGAIN, the Patriots were forced to abandon their 5 Wide sets and insert a tight end into the mix. The Bengals capitalized on this by only allowing a first down every couple of plays, rather than every play.
The Patriots play the Browns next, and better get their offence back on track if they want to score 38 points or more. Potential problems they might run to include length of game and how fast a football is physically able to travel.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

When did "What's up?" become a greeting

It's a fucking question...not a greeting

People walk by me at school and work and say "what's up" all the time. They're asking me what is up. Saying "what's up" isn't a greeting. Questions aren't greetings.

I'm walking down the hallway, some turd who I know walks by me and says "what's up." My mind goes into processing mode. Is he trying to initiate a conversation in the middle of this crowded hallway? Doesn't he see it's impossible to just stop and begin a conversation? Dear God, what is this cunt trying to pull? He's obviously just asked me a question, and I'll look like a jerk if I don't respond to his question.

But like what the fuck do they think is up?

I'm at school. Can you guess what I'm doing? IM GOING TO FUCKING SCHOOL. Weird, hey? Why would someone be at school and be doing anything other than going to school? Even if they were there for fun, it's still not interesting enough to have a conversation with someone about.
Maybe I'm at work. Guess what I'm doing now? WORKING.


On most occasions when people say "what's up" I just keep walking and yell "NOTHING MAN HOW ABOUT YOU." In the back of my head I just want to turn around and go punch them in the back of the head.

Sometimes people yell back "NOTHING." Sometimes they don't hear because they've already moved on to asking other people "what's up."

On msn, you say "what's up" and it's perfectly alright. You've begun a conversation. You're seeing if the person is actually there, too. Maybe they're going to work soon, maybe they have sports in a bit, maybe they're about to eat supper. So you ask "what's up."

"What's up" is not a greeting, and someone gives me the ol' "what's up" at least once a day.

Well I'll tell you what's up. My middle finger to those who use "what's up" as a greeting.

Things I Love

Taking huge dumps.

Honestly, is there anything better?

I just took a huge crap and now I'm sitting here just marvelling at how good it felt and how good I feel right now.

Here's how it usually goes. You get that feeling down in your stomach...you've had a big supper, you know eventually you need to poop....and then it hits you. It's time. You don't need to rush to the bathroom, you've got time. Get up. Walk slowly...you don't need to run and jostle everything about. You get to the bathroom, make sure no jackass has pissed on the seat, and calmly make your nest (I prefer two 3-pieces on either side). Maybe grab a comic book if you're so inclined. So now you take a seat and concentrate on the task at hand. You take a breath and clench your cheeks. Give it a good push and feel it start to make its way out. You can feel it sliding out slowly, so you take another breath and give it a solid push, making sure not to cut it off. With a sploosh, you know you've just let a giant dookie hit the water. Wipe once to see what the verdict is. A little bit of turd is on there, but that's expected. The second wipe is much better. Nothing.

Congratulations, You've just made the perfect ass goblin.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Dinner at the Joneses

As the regular season rolls around, players in the NFL get ready for a long and arduous season. A season where the focus is on football and there is rarely time to sit back with your family and relax. With two of their sons playing in the NFL, the Joneses had a rare opportunity to sit down and actually eat supper together before the season begins.


excerpt


Thomas: Pass the turkey, Julius.

(Julius tosses a piece at Thomas.)

Thomas: (piece drops right through his hands) Goddammit Julius... no wonder they don't try the halfback pass with you.

(Asante Samuel picks up the piece and runs with it to the other side of the house, crouching in a corner and nibbling on the piece.)

Julius: What?! That was perfect! Here's another. (Julius tosses another piece.)

(Thomas drops it again.)

Thomas: Whatever...wow Ma! There's sure a crapload of grub here.

(sidling up)Leon: Wanna split it?

Thomas: Hell NAH! I'm eating all I can before I come across some misfortune!

Julius: Yeah there really is a lot of food here.

Thomas: I'll get us some root beer to wash these eats down.

(Thomas inadvertently slips on the piece of turkey he dropped earlier. His ACL tears in 3 places.)

Julius: Ohhhh! I'm so full! (Marion Barber enters the room and promptly gobbles up the rest of Julius' food.)

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Jays need better commentary

Rod Black as V-Dub pops one up 5 feet in front of home plate : "Wells just missed that one."

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

"I love you both equally." Archie told Peyton's arms.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Power ranking of the Denver Broncos? Hardly.

This particular ranking was one of the worst of those power rankings at armchairGM.

9. Denver Broncos-Jake Cutler has been a shocking surprise to Denver as he took control of the offense and led to many victories when Plummer was not succeeding. The Broncos took picked a great choice for a backup Q. Patrick Ramsey is a guy with many years under his belt and knows how the game is played. He will help guide Cutler throughout the year. If Cutler goes down, then Ramsey is good enough to step in a do a decent job as proved with the Chiefs. As far a receivers go, they have the top two (Rod Smith and Javon Walker). To go with that, Travis Henry has been brought into the organization gaining over 1200 yards last year. Mike Bell is still young and learning but will be good in the future. Champ Baily and Dre' Ply will do a great job at corner and the rest of the defense looks great.


I'm going to go through each sentence and break down its retardedness.

"Jake Cutler has been a shocking surprise to Denver as he took control of the offense and led to many victories when Plummer was not succeeding."

In his original unmodified post, he spelled Jay Cutler's first name with a "k" and an "e." This brings me to my first point: If you don't know the name of the starting quarterback on a team, you shouldn't be trying to rank teams in the first place. Now that I'm past the first mistake on the first word, I'll get to the rest of the sentence. A shocking surprise that Cutler is able to play good football? For Christ's sake, he was the 11th pick. Of course he's a good player you dumb idiot. Not everyone picked in the first round is Akili Smith. He also had 2 victories, which doesn't qualify as "many" in my books.

"The Broncos took picked a great choice for a backup Q"

Now to the next topic of this ranking: Patrick Ramsey(hey! he spelt it right) is a quality backup Q. Assuming he means quarterback, I'll get to his description of Ramsey. "Ramsey has many years under his belt and knows how the game is played." This also qualifies my grandma. Hey everyone! If you're old, and know how to play football, come on out and be a backup quarterback for the Broncos!

His next sentence makes sense. "Ramsey will help guide Cutler." It makes sense, but when you're writing a short summary of why the Broncos will be ranked 9th, the fact the Patrick Ramsey can guide is very fucking irrelevant.

"If Cutler goes down, then Ramsey is good enough to step in a do a decent job as proved with the Chiefs."

Hey I didn't know Patrick Ramsey played for the Chiefs? Oh that's because he DIDN'T. Nice research you stupid piece of garbage.
What makes it funnier is that he could have left it with saying: "good enough to step in and do a decent job," but he had to throw in the last part as a sort of smug afterthought. Idiot.

"As far a receivers go, they have the top two (Rod Smith and Javon Walker)."

What? The top two in the league? NO. The top two on their team? If so, then that makes sense because there's no way a team can't have the best players that play for them that are on their team. You get that?

Either way you put it, it's still wrong, because Rod Smith is hardly going to be a top target for Cutler. He's on his last legs and this will probably be his last season. Brandon Marshall and Brandon Stokley will both have a much bigger impact than Smith.

"To go with that, Travis Henry has been brought into the organization gaining over 1200 yards last year."

Okay, that works. Basically anyone on the Broncos who starts will run for a thousand yards on any given year. Reuben Droughns, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, doesn't matter who.

"Mike Bell is still young and learning but will be good in the future."

No he won't.

"Champ Baily and Dre' Ply will do a great job at corner and the rest of the defense looks great. "

Baily and Ply. You fucking retard. Learn how to spell. Sure the defence looks good, but why should anyone think they'll actually do good? At least give a reason for everyone else to think they'll be good.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hooray For People Who Know Nothing About The NFL!

I came across this gem on Deadspin's blog links. I only read the top 10 and the Redskins' prediction, but holy fuck were they ever bad. Apparently Peyton Manning is overrated, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison are underrated, and the Redskins top 3 receivers (Moss, Lloyd, and Randle El) will all eclipse 1,000 yards this season. If the last 2 pieces of shit just show up to play for half the season I'll be fuckin happy.

http://armchairgm.com/index.php?title=NFL_Off_Season_Power_Rankings_%282007-08%29

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Companies That Should Seriously Consider Firing Their Marketing People

As we are all aware, TV commercials have the potential to be hilarious. Like the Alltel commercial where the guy says "So, what level dungeon masters are you guys?" and the four other guys go "Dungeon Masters don't have levels! Dork." That commercial is awesome. Unfortunately, some people are idiots and make really shitty commercials. What follows are some companies who make the aforementioned shitty commercials.

1. TBS

I watch this channel a lot because I like Seinfeld. But the stupid trivia question commercials make me want to change the channel. At least ask a question where the answer isn't painfully obvious. Also, please cut out the shameless self promotion. At least 40% of TBS' commercials are for some retarded original comedy series like Tyler Perry's House of Payne or 10 Items or Less. Who watches these? The other 60% are commercials for technical schools...

2. Molson

God, do I ever hate Molson commercials. I mean of course I like their product. But Jesus, do you really have to advance such stupid stereotypes of Canadians? I'm all for patriotism, but we have tonnes of things to be proud of other than being lumberjacks who wear those flannel button-up jackets, eat doughtnuts, and say "aboot". People like that don't even exist for fuck's sake.

3. Rogers

The Grand Daddy of 'em All when it comes to terrible commercials. Of course, I have to mention that shit fest they released during the World Cup last summer. You know, the one that consisted of that couple and the third wheel going to Germany expecting to get tickets at the door for the most popular event in the world. When that failed, they were content to just tour churches and such. In the end, they all realized it didn't matter that they didn't get to watch soccer because they got to know each other better. It goes without saying that they wouldn't of enjoyed it if they couldn't have downloaded music and videos on their cellphones. The commercial doesn't mention the 1900$ cellphone bill the next month. Compound all of this by the fact that this was aired twice every commercial break, every game of the World Cup. What a steaming pile of garbage.

The current piece of piss Rogers is mercilessly shoving down our throats involves the infamous "five." These "five" commercials are passable when they involve Chuck Barkley and Dwayne Wade but not when they star some d-bag with a white man afro and an emo-paki. I don't think emo-paki is an actual term, but you know what I mean. Anyways, the most offensive commercial with these retards is the one where they're playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who gets into the one guys five. So they're playing rock, paper, scissors. Fair enough. That game is obviously the way to go for deciding stuff. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when the one dude decides he should make one handed quotation marks and call it "snake". Then, he decides to unleash this gem, "Snake bites rock. I win." What the toothbrush? How does a snake bite a rock, exactly? If anything the snake will break it's teeth right? But this isn't even the worst part. The guy who is letting people into his five actually agrees with him. Not only would I instantly reject this guy from my phone contact list, I would stop associating with him altogether. On top of all this, Rogers offers an awful phone network.

Some commercials just make me shake my head. I'm sure I missed some brutal ones. Feel free to list in the comments.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Who wants a mustache ride?

Reading 'big fundamental's Top 8 quotes from Seinfeld...got me thinking about a certain comedy group who's movies offer a whole lot in the memorable quote department. Broken Lizard is that group. Though they have had one great, hilarious movie...followed by two mediocre (or shit) movies, and one college film...they still have enough great lines to fill out a post. I will list the 10 best...much rounder number than 8.



#10

Matt: Well hey, Sara.

Sara: Hey, Matt. Grogan's so funny.
Matt: Yeah. Hey, sounds to me like you like him.
Sara: Well...
Matt: Wow. You and Garbage Dick. That's great!

From Broken Lizard's first movie, the college one. Not very funny, but I felt compelled to include at least one quote from every movie. But this one was pretty funny when I saw it. Sara is the main girl's best friend and Matt is the guy who played Foster in Super Troopers.



#9

Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?

This one always makes me laugh when I hear it. It's so childish yet, effective and apt for the situation it was used it.



#8


I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.

From Beerfest



#7

Nobody ever suspects the fun police.



#6

There's always one fuck-head like you trying to shit in the apple pie. Well you just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back.

Secondary character quote, still funny as hell.




#5

Barry: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.

Fink: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.

Barry: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.



#4

Todd: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator...

Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends...went Muslim. Now I'm out. Praise Allah!



#3

Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

Alright meow...



#2

Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a
fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!

This was a tough decision.




#1

It's not a party until someone breaks the Jacuzzi.

Joey Harrington's Lament

Why me? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I say!!!

Tell me, what's wrong with throwing 175 yards a game consistently? not much, you say.
Well how bout a big ol' TD to go with that? I'd say that's good like morning wood.

Why do they mock me so?

They say I was a bust, they say I'm not a leader. For Pete's sake this is a team sport and I'm one gosh darn player out of 11...er 12. The media beats ME into the dang ground because my TEAM loses. How fair is that? It's not fair at all if you were wondering. I try as hard as I can and what do I get? Scorn. I get scorn. Oh I know what you're thinking. ooooooo scones and corn as one? Sounds yummy! NO! That's not it at all! Scorn is different and bad!

Well I'm fed up with all these big buttholes and I'm not going to take it anymore! From this moment onward, Joey Harrington will be a new man. A new quarterback! Now that I've requested to move to Atlanta, it's time to begin anew. I'm going to laugh more, care less, stick my wiener in cheerleaders, and stay up past 11:30!









Yeah I'd like to doodle on her etch-a-sketch alright.



















Give me that box of food, you poor son of a mink!


















What's wrong with bumpin' uglies with some kids? Nothing at all.

















-Hee hee! What's brown and sticky?

-Mmphh HAHAHA no not my DOODOO (giggle)

-A stick! GUFFAW!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Here lies an admittedly rudimentary list of what I think are the best 8 lines in the history of Seinfeld. Why 8? Because I could go for days but this has to end somewhere. Now, these are pulled completely off the top of my head with no research or even effort to remember. Hell, the quotes might not even be right. So if you don't agree, you can fuck right off.

8. "Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
"You're not a little anything Newman."

This needs no context. I don't even know what episode it's from.

7. "It's like putting your whole mouth in the bowl."

We all know this little dipshit was right, but the annoying way he confronts George makes him so contemptible it is ridiculous.

6. "The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

The best line from a classic Costanza rant. No one knows what the hell it means but they don't bother asking to find out either.

5. "Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!"

Delivery is everything here. The way Cosmo's voice jumps up during delicious is just
smashing.

4. "You're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that I just blew your mind?"

This is the perfect Kramer line.

3. "Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're they're best seller."
"Yeah..well...I had sex with your wife!"
"Um George, his wife's in a coma."

George tries about 20 times harder at a good comeback than he does at any other single task during the series, and still fails. It's his life in a nutshell.

2. "And you wanna be my latex salesman...."

The fact the George is lying face down with his pants around his ankles really moved this up the rankings.

1. "I'm out."

So simple, so funny. Every time I see this episode, the line makes me lose control of my bowels.

Randy Mcmichael's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Randy! Hope you throw parties better than you throw your wife.





You want to touch God? Reach out and touch me then assholes! but you CAN'T because I'm untouchable!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Breaking News!




Tom Brady was shot in the head with rifle yesterday, and though he didn't die, he did suffer permanent brain damage. Were he playing for any team other than the Patriots, he would have been released, but, according to a spokesman for the team, the Patriots still plan to play Brady during the regular season. "There's really no change in the gameplan for the Patriots with a retard under center," says Fred Thompkins, a professional analyst. "all we have to do is teach him to somehow launch the football in the air. Once we've figured out his throwing capacity we'll just design our receiver routes to fit his throws. The receivers will obviously catch it every time, so it's not a big deal." says passing coach Geoff Jenkins.

The man who shot Brady was none other than Matt Cassel, the backup quarterback. Apparently he really wanted the starting job, and our correspondent Cuba Sugar caught up with Matt as he was being taken away.

Cuba: Hey! Matt! Are you stupid? Why would you shoot Tom Brady?
Matt: Fuck you I'm Matt the mother fuckin Castle! Built of solid granite! I can do whatev I feel, when I feel!
Cuba: Okay, do you realize that the team would just trade or pick up someone who's actually good if Tom wasn't around?
Matt: You kiddin? I catapult that football down the field like no one's business, slam my drawbridge down any faggot's throat that comes near me, not to mention scoring touchdowns like I throw used whores into the moat! But I do get sacked a lot.
Cuba: Oh really? Well if that's happeni...
Matt: SACKED as in I fuck all the peasants in my fucking castle!

Cassel was then led away to his holding cell, where he will remain until his hearing.
Tom Brady was conscious within hours of his surgery and was expected to resume practice the following day. Owner Robert Kraft said Cassel will be allowed to return the team after he's finished his jailtime. After Matt Cassel was told Brady would still be playing this coming season, he remarked: Great now I'm backing up a shitwad who can't tell the difference between crap and a candy cane.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Seven Awesome Things About The Internet

1. the obvious pick

2. Wikipedia


Looking for the answer to anything? Go to Wikipedia. Anything you're looking for, you'll find it. Teachers say not to use Wikipedia because it's mostly made up. Well that's straight up bullcrap. There's so many checks before you can edit a topic and any facts have to be confirmed by a reliable source and an expert.

Here's a couple entries to get your motor going...

Festivus

Val Kilmer

Cunt

3. Google Earth

Because you can see your house.

Google Earth


actually google maps is easier and you don't have to download anything

4. Fantasy Sports

Fantasy sports sites organize everything for you and calculate all your points, letting you stick to watching the sport and enjoying it instead of analyzing it. Plus it's the closest most people will ever be to managing something.

5. The Dramatic Prairie-Dog

The best 5 seconds you'll ever spend.



6. Ebay

A great place to look for bargains and stuff you can only find in certain places. Looking for a game? Got that. What about an antique piece of furniture? Got that. How about a used thong? Got that.

7.Youtube

It allows any dumb coked-out asshole to put anything at all they want on the internet for everyone to see. Point in case: this guy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Raise Up Bitch




"...and thats all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be, cocksuckin', pussy-eatin' prankstas. Cuz when the fire dies down what the fuck you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Coming soon...

lengthy posts. in the meantime, enjoy a lolcat i made along with som moar phunee stuf.



















Thursday, May 31, 2007

Loco Logos #2

That title is just too good to only use once. So now i bring you the 2 best and 2 worst logos in each major North American sport(NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB).

It is my belief that in order to have a good logo, it must have these essential things.

1. A good logo should not be too complicated. When you're a kid and trying to draw your favorite team's logo, you shouldn't have to be Rembrandt to draw it.
2. It should kinda represent the area where the team is.
3. It should have something to do with the name of the team.
4. Overall good and menacing looks

My selections might not quite follow these guidelines, so...fuck you.


First up, the NFL

The best:

The Denver Broncos


Not too complicated (maybe a little too many details on the horse's face), great color scheme, good representation of the team. A modern look, but not over the top.




Represents the city and team perfectly, simple to draw and even good looking.

Honorable mention: New England

Worst Logos

The Detroit Lions



A shadow of a jumping blue lion? Lame. You can't distinguish any features and if the team wasn't called the lions, you'd think it was a disfigured retard in the midst of falling over.


Well let's see if you can guess which team is next..


who else but...





The Cleveland Browns!



The epitomy of a crappy logo. In the beginning, the team held a contest to figure out what to name themselves. The city of Cleveland, being the absolute idiots that they are, voted to name their team the Browns (Note: That's a dumb fucking color to name your team after.) Though it's been disputed over whether they chose the name Browns because of Paul Brown the coach or Joe "Brown Bomber" Louis, the outcome remains the same. The team is still named the Browns. Now when naming your team, the next step is to create a logo. Naturally, no smart person would name a team the Browns, so they surprisingly couldn't come up with logo either. So what they do is just use a brown helmet. Good job Cleveland! Not creative at all, though a perfect representation of the team name(which in turn is not creative at all). Not easy to draw(that 3D helmet is not easy to draw at all). To boot, not good looking at all.

Dishonorable mention: Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, Minnesota Vikings


The other sports later...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Loco Logos



James Dean, rollerblades, hockey stick guitars, records...this logo has it all.






Really, I can't believe someone in the head office doesn't take a look a their new logo and go: "Gee, you know our logo looks EXACTLY like a figure skate."






"Mommy...what are those two figures doing?"

"FUCKING."






Now there's absolutely no excuse for this one. That can only be a penis sticking out of the figure's front mid-section and that can only be a baby's mouth he's about to penetrate.





What do they even do at the pediatric center? Oh, never mind, it's right in the logo.






When the Empire State Building had butt sex with the sun.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Champions League Final

Final score: 2-1 for AC Milan over Liverpool.

Liverpool more or less controlled the game, but Milan took it by scoring on their both and only attempts. Filippo Inzaghi scored both goals and proved he was the man to play after much controversy over whether him or Gilardino would start up front.

As usual the Italians were up to their old tricks and were diving all over the place. The most notable one was when a Liverpool player had the ball down the sideline and tried lobbing it in but hit a Milan player less than 2 feet away. The Milan player instantly dropped and started pointing to his stomach like he'd been shot. He looked
like he had an alien inside his chest and it was about to burst out. Luckily for him, the extensively trained doctors in their suits and white gloves had the perfect cure for his terrible injury. Spray can to the rescue! He was up and ready to play in no time. The beauty of slow-motion replays really captures the retardedness of most dives. You can see exactly how they weren't touched at all and the amazed disbelief on the fouling player's face. A neat idea would be if the ref could look up at a screen in the stadium and determine if he dove or not, then punishing accordingly.

Anyway Liverpool was down 2-0 before dirk kuyt, who i despise and doesn't get the privilege of capital letters in his name, headed a deflected corner kick past Dida the goalie. Even the lanky bastard Crouch came close, but it was too little too late.

The whistle blew and the crying began. Wiping the sweat and grease out of their eyes, the Italians hugged and rejoiced before hoisting the trophy. Then they all put on their pink, open-collared shirts, gelled all their hair into faux-hawks, trimmed their stubble, piled into their miatas (not before chowing down on some spaghetti with Ragu), then headed off to the discos for wine and spirits!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fed up

Okay Carson Palmer, that's about enough. It's like a rollercoaster ride with you.

These things keep adding up, and I must say, it's taking its toll on me.
I've decided to come up with a points system to keep track of things that Carson Palmer does that affect a rating i'm making up. A rating of 0 is alright. It means you haven't done anything bad or anything good to affect my view of you. A minus rating is bad, a plus rating is good. Fairly simple.


First theres your christmas list...

Wish list (quotes in brackets)[my quotes in square brackets]
1. The new Kevin Federline CD, Playing with Fire. ("A lot of people don't like K-Fed, but he's all right.") ["No he's not alright, he's a shit fucking asshole. That's a -10."]

2. A new tie rack. ("Even guys from Southern California wear ties.")["That's a dumb present.-2"]

3. A 10-point LTS crossbow. ("It's a new hobby of mine.")["Okay, that's cool. +7"]

4. Flavor of Love (Season 1) DVD. ("Flav is very smooth, and funny.")["Haha Flav is a retard and the girls on the show are the worst people on earth.-8"]

5. A pingpong table. ("Pingpong is fun and helps your hand-eye coordination.")[love ping-pong.+5]


Next there was the Carson Palmer's Cornhole Classic.

Carson set this up to endorse the game of Cornhole. The game of CORNHOLE. Basically horseshoes crossed with sodomy. you're throwing a bean bag in a hole. There's a link on his site and on the bengals web site. Whyyyyyyy Carson.[-4]


Of course, you can't forget how he came back from his injury. [+10]


Next, there's this ad that just came out for hot dogs.



That's another -4 for you.


Finally there's the heisman voting this year. As a winner, Carson receives the privilege of voting. He gets three votes, picking his top choice first and so on. So what does he do? He votes his brother in as the first pick....AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF with a +7. This gives him a +1 in my books. Good enough. GO BENGALS

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Jules Winnfield: Youth Hockey Coach

Friday, May 11, 2007

Laughable and Maddening Things

Things are all around us.

Here's a list of many things that can be funny, yet make you mad at the same time.

1. The Blue Jays season
Today the Blue Jays got stomped by the Red Sox. To top it off, B.J Ryan is out for the season. It really is quite funny watching pitchers like Frasor, Marcum and Downs pitch their 2 innings and see who can let in more runs. It's maddening because the Jays had gone out and got the neccesary talent to succeed. Without a closer and a solid bullpen, there's just no way the Jays will have a good season. Jason Frasor is not the guy to fill in. You can't be a closer if you can barely throw better than these two guys.

http://www.mypartypost.com/watchflashbig/5138/Cincinnati_Mayor_First_Pitch

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9eDzJ_K9i_0

2. Cabbie on the Street
Honestly, I hate Cabbie. Going up to a famous athlete and essentially harassing them is not my idea of good t.v. All he does is wave his arms in front and around whoever he's talking to. The only way it's funny is seeing how uncomfortable he makes whoever he's talking to, and how oblivious he is to how much they want to punch him in the face. Example...today talking to David Ortiz... he says: How come you don't laugh when you smash home runs?" (leans in closer) and repeats: "when you SMASH home runs?" (leans in even closer about 2 inches from Ortiz's face) and repeats again: "WHEN YOU SMASH HOME RUNS?"

Why on earth they gave this asshole a job I'll never know.


3. Drivers who feel the need to drive as fast as they can all the time

Everyone drives fast. I do a lot of the time. When you're late as much as I am you need to drive fast.
But there is a common sense factor that is taken into account. When you see a light turn red, common sense would say take your foot off the pedal. You don't need to speed to the light then slam on the brakes when you know the light is red. It's funny because you know that if you time it right you can go through the light as soon as it turns green and beat the guy who speeds up to the red light and is stopped there.


4. Girl Bodybuilders

Actually I'd say bodybuilders in general. There's no point in looking like a freak.
Funny because they're all trying to compensate for something like small height or low-self esteem. And girl bodybuilders are so very creepy.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

A Revelation!

When car companies are designing their cars, they way they judge how far to make their vehicles off the ground is by this method.

1st step: roll a soccer ball under the vehicle and adjust the axles so a soccer ball can roll under just enough to get stuck and not roll completely through.

2nd step: adjust the muffler and driveshaft, as well as the bottom of the engine according to the height of a basketball. Be sure to not allow the basketball to pass by these things, as like the soccer ball.

VoilĂ ! the perfect car!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

One person I have a major beef with:

Fucking Pierre Maguire. The human shit show that can be found making his retarded, half-baked comments on TSN Hockey Night. The guy is a twat. The man used to be a G.M. and yet is consistently wrong with his comments. This isn't just me talking, there are many who hate this bald piece of shit with as much passion as I do.

I've never heard so many people call bullshit at his views on in-game events. I mean, if any other commentator says something that you don't agree with or think was really incorrect...you just either shrug it off or make a small comment and thats it. When Maguire says these incredibly stupid things, he says it in a way that makes you want to get up and kick your fucking TV. He's just so smug and confident in every dumb ass thing he says and it is so goddamn painful.

So don't watch him? Believe me, I actually do go out of my way not to listen to him. If he's on, I'd find another game, which isn't really a problem to begin with, since I usually watch CBC from the get-go. I was found recently subjecting myself to his bullshit tonight, I had to. The Islanders were playing on TSN (it's 2-2 right now) against Buffalo and got ready to sit down and watch. Maguire is on the job...for some reason I thought it would be okay. No.

It's not just the things he says...its also how unnecessarily excited he gets...and his fucking asinine "Monsters of the Game". If he says something correct he sounds like its a huge revelation and it should go in one of his articles...when its usually common sense. Alternatively, its something so wrong its like he's not even watching the game and just giving Gord Miller head underneath the desk.

Besides the fact that I hate the dude. He made a brutal call on the game I am watching right now, which pretty much tempted me to write this during the intermission. Jason Blake got blatantly checked from behind by Teppo Numminen. Teppo is a good guy, he doesn't do stupid shit...but in this instance, he pushed Blake headfirst into the boards and Blake went down. Maguire chimes in by saying that Teppo shouldn't get a penalty because it wasn't a crushing hit....that Teppo is not a dirty player and he didn't mean to. What the fuck? Who cares what kind of player he's considered? He fucking pushed a player with his head down, half a foot away from the boards. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a crushing hit...but it's not like he love-tapped him either....he was on the move. Still, you don't do that shit. Either way, Maguire should think for a second before he says anything and if what comes out of his mouth makes any sense.

Anyway. Fuck...3-2 Sabres. Barely 2 minutes in. Isles' defense is so useless.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

3 things I have major beef with..

First: I went to Subway today, and ordered a turkey breast sub. Nothing out of the ordinary. So we're going through the usual routine of picking the bread then him putting the meat on it. Finally we arrive at the cheese selection process. Seriously man, those cheese slices are triangles for a fucking reason. It should be common knowledge that two triangles of this cheese make a form similar to a parrallelogram(bent rectangle for you retards). The goal is to get maximum cheese distribution so as to enjoy cheese in every bite of your sub. For some reason, this idiot is unable to see the dynamics of cheese and places each slice so it looks like the teeth on dinosaurs you drew as a kid. This means NO cheese in some places and DOUBLE cheese in others! TRAVESTY!

Second: At work, people are constantly bringing me items they'd like to buy and asking how much they are. A typical encounter goes something like this:

guy: Hi there!, can you tell me how much this is?

me: Hey! Sure thing(much enthused)! Just give me a sec here!

guy: Sure!

me: hmm seems someone ripped the pricetag off this...I'll just try and find it on the computer...hmm i'm not finding it here..

guy: Really? So it must be free then? heh heh

me: yeah...must be...heh..yeah i can't give it to you free

guy: hey that's ok i'm just kidding

FUCK YOU guy.

Third, Best Buy phones me about my broken laptop today and says: yeah it looks like we're going to have to do a system restore, but it's not covered by your warranty. That'll be 60$. Also if you want any files recovered and backed up, that'll be another 60$. So..(calculating)...that'll be 120$.
Warranties should be one piece of paper labelled: if it breaks, we'll fix it. Buy the warranty, and we'll fix it every time. This is such complete bullcrap.
Don't fuck everyone over with separate warranties for different parts.


Yeah, needless to say, I'm a little on the crazy/mad side today.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Zach Attack!

In the wake of Zach Johnson triumphantly winning the Green Jacket at Augusta last Sunday, one might ask what the future holds for the major-winning Jesus-freak. Well, here's an idea.

Sunday, April 8 2007:
After the ensuing 'hoopla' that followed his win, Zach Johnson attended a celebration in his honor at the clubhouse. He is congratulated by many of his fellow players and family. Tiger Woods is not in attendance cause he's an asshole.

Monday, April 9 2007:
Johnson awakes in his hotel next to his wife. The baby is awake. After completing his fatherly duties, Johnson sits back and revels about his victory the day before. He wonders if it was simply a dream or reality. He heads to the washroom to shower and get ready for the day ahead of him and spends a solid 12 minutes flexing in the mirror with the Green Jacket on.

April 20 2008:
It has been over year since Zach Johnson's Masters victory and things aren't going that great. Though he hasn't won since then, things are starting to look up. He had a top 10 finish last month. That was pretty sweet. Zach assumes he's just going through a rough patch and assumes things will all start coming together like they did last year. He wonders if he should stop flexing in the mirror with the Jacket everyday. Maybe it's bad luck.

March, 15 2010:
Zach Johnson has still not one an event since the 2007 Masters and is now wondering if another victory will ever happen. He seems to be playing worse. Since his top 10 in '08, Zach has only a top 25 to speak of and missing the cut now is no longer that big of a deal...he just laughs and hits the buffet. Zach's wife is getting a bit worried about him. She noted that he has gained 50 pounds since the Masters, he hasn't been attending church regularly and his attitude has seemed to take a bad turn. Zach thinks shes a bitch.

October, 4 2015:
Zach has given up golf. He spends most of his time eating and reminiscing of the good old days of the Nationwide Tour. He now weighs over 450 pounds and found out last week that he now has diabetes. His wife has left him and took the kids, Zach blames this on Jesus being a "prick" and hasn't been to church since. Plus he started to have difficulty fitting into the pews. His greatest accomplishment is no longer winning the Masters...its now simply getting out of bed in the morning on his first try. Zach is thinking about a comeback, although he hasn't picked up a club in months and sometime forgets the fact that he makes John Daly look healthy.

May, 21 2020:
Zach has died. Heart-attack, age 44. He was found dead with his head in a bowl of his favorite meal: spaghetti and M&Ms, topped with what is assumed to be some sort of custard. Funeral attendance was few, his wife had cut ties with him after he apparently tried to eat one of his children during one of his weekend visits. Most of his family had disowned him due to his constant hatred towards everyone and also due to the fact he had trouble with door frames. He asked to be buried, but digging a hole that size would be extravagant, so cremation was done without any objection from his family. His ashes were filled to the brim of a water cooler jug and were buried in his hometown cemetery. He will be remembered as a kind, loving and compassionate family man...who then became a menacing fat piece of shit who no one liked.
In loving memory...
Zach Johnson
(1976-2020)

KD

The Anytime Meal of champion butt-fuckers?
maybe
a basketball player making a dumb decision?
i guess we'll see

In this post, I will discuss viewpoints from both TBF and Man Hole. To summarize both arguments:

pro-draft KD: 1.guaranteed money 2. higher skill level development
non pro-draft KD:1. body not able to handle NBA stress yet 2. No position he would excel at 3. guaranteed number one overall next year if he waits.


it's tough to tell, but you need to weigh the odds that he'll get injured next year. Though very unlikely, there's always a chance. and if he got injured bad in college next year, well he'd be f'd in the a for the draft and lose a chance at big money. His skillz will develop either way, although better yet differently at the NBA level. He isn't big enough to be able to the same things he did against college players, so he'd have to adjust the way he plays, then readjust when he packs on the muscle(like me). He would most definitely be a bench-rider for the first year until he could figure a position to play. He's guaranteed huge money but will lose out on the chance for a national championship, develop naturally and play basketball at the top of his game.

Should he get injured badly whilst remaining in college, well, he'll lose everything and be spending the rest of his day eating the Anytime Meal for which he was named, because he sure won't be able to afford the high-priced macaroni-a-la-mode-with-la-sauce-du-fromage(ooo yeah it's delish!) he would get in the fancy NBA. And he for sure wouldn't be able to be a champion butt-fucker if he wasn't in the NBA. No anal gangbang parties for you Kevin Durant, just you, michael olowokandi and a nine-inch dildo(with balls!).

Lindsey's piss poor Blog post

In rebuttal to the previous completely hair brained post, I present a myriad of reasons why Kevin Durant made the right decision by declaring for the draft.

1. Money. I'm assuming KD will make money similar to what LeBron James made when he was a rookie, which is the rookie maximum. Since I'm not a completely useless piece of shit, I looked this particular number up. It was 4,018,000. Since the salary cap has grown a little since then, I think Durant will make around 4.5 million. This is of course peanuts compared to the 20 million he's guaranteed from Nike. You never know if your knee is going to explode like Shaun Livingston's did there a month ago.

2. Improvement. Playing another year in college is a waste of time for Big Kev. He's already completely dominant. He will improve way, way more in the NBA playing against guys who are in his league talent wise.

And since a myriad is best defined as "two", I will stop there. But I have more if you ask me.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Kevin Durant's Piss Poor Decision

I really don't even have anything valid to back that title up, but I'll give it 110%.

First off, I think he needs at least 2 more years of college just so he has time to get up around 160 pounds. He's going to need braces on every joint in his body just to prevent them from falling off.

Second, I have no idea what position the kid's going to play in the NBA (ya that's right, I called him a kid). Small forward? I don't think he can play either guard spot (sure as hell can't play point), and he would get broken into pieces in the post. He may have dominated college, but he didn't play against anybody his height with a hint of athletic ability. Note: That statement could be completely false. I have no idea who he played against, it's just an assumption.

Third, he goes first overall if he waits just one more year. I saw a report today saying Oden is going to declare pretty soon here, so top spot is locked up there. Durant might not be in it for the money, but who doesn't want to go first overall in the draft? You get shitloads of money.

That's all I can think of. Other than that, good for you Kevin. I hope you bring a championship to Boston.

Or Memphis.