Monday, November 30, 2009

Well, That Sucks

It's the day after the Riders lost to the Alouettes in the Grey Cup, and everyone is sad. I've never experienced that sort of defeat. The last second soul-crushing loss is a unique sort of loss. I didn't read the newspaper this morning at all, and I plan on trying to forget about the Riders entirely until next season. I hope something crazy happens very soon so I can move on to thinking about that.

Also, good job dicks for ears. You won the poll. And I'm sure it didn't come down to voting on multiple computers at all. Ideas for next poll?

Friday, November 27, 2009

200th Blog Post Celebration

To commemorate this momentus occasion 200 posts of shitty blogging, we must celebrate. But first, let's take a look back at other historical events that happened on this day.

-Jaleel White, born in 1976.

-1991 - The UN Security Council unanimously adopted a resolution that led the way for the establishment of a UN peacekeeping operation in Yugoslavia.

-1997 - Bjork was admitted to the hospital in Reykjavik, Iceland, with a high fever. The singer was forced to cancel many upcoming dates due to a kidney infection.

While this milestone pales in comparison to those monumental events, I take solace in the fact this blog has lasted that long. Okay, party time!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I can't decide what the dumbest part about this Google Search Suggestion is. Is the fact that the song "whatcha say" managed to get three hits in there? Is it the terrible fact that "what to do when your bored" spells "you're" wrong(meaning that more people CAN'T than CAN spell "you're" correctly)?

Anyway, I have to get back to making my fruit salad.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Good Morning!

When I wake up in the morning, I like to read the newspaper while I eat breakfast. In order of reading it goes sports, then the front page, the comics, and finally the entertainment section. My weekday breakfast morning ALWAYS ends one of two ways:

Scenario 1. I'm actually up early enough to peruse all the afore-mentioned topics, and I'll become angry after reading the entertainment section. On the other hand, I probably also was up early enough to make eggs or something awesome for breakfast. Morning = bad.

Scenario 2. I get up and have to rush out, eating cereal or toast and just quickly scanning the front page or sports. Whatever's open already. Morning = still bad.

You might have noticed that both scenarios ended in bad mornings. As it should be. I'm not one of those people that are grumpy, need coffee, can't wake up, etc. Mornings just fucking blow. You have a full day of tasks ahead of you that need doing. And that blows.

BUT, do you know what would make mornings in which I can read the entertainment section much more tolerable? If I didn't have to read SOME RANDOMLY SELECTED TURD BAG TELLING ME THE NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE IS SUPER AWESOME. I trusted Roger Ebert with my movie reviews. Movie reviews were meaningful! Now there's a different person every goddamn week, and usually 2 or 3 of them to boot. Ok, this stupid girl gave the Blind Side 3 out of 5 stars, and this dude over here gave 2012 3 out of 4 stars. You know what I give the newspaper and its movie reviewers? 2 fists out of 1 ass.

These people don't know shit about movies. Go read Roger Ebert's wikipedia page. I'll wait. Now look up Jay Stone, one of the regular dipshits that reviews movies. Find anything? Try Google.

This is straight out of his biography on the Ottawa Citizen website, and I couldn't believe how perfectly worded this was.

"Jay Stone has worked for The Ottawa Citizen for so long that he gets his 25-year watch this year. Fresh out of the University of Toronto, he started his newspaper career in 1971 at the Packet and Times in Orillia, Ont., as the worst reporter-photographer in the Thomson newspaper chain, and subsequently moved on to become the worst assistant editor at Southam Business Publications in Toronto."


"He became a film critic in 1994. His qualifications are that he has seen a lot of films and enjoys writing about them."

I think I can pretty much leave this post with that.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Shut up Silver

I don't give one giant shit about your moronic friends and their stupid fantasy pool.

In my vocabulary, Malibu is now synonymous with cock.

Your daughter's soccer team can go get raped.

Cal can eat shit.

Your Yahoo Search Words of the Week are incredibly idiotic.

NO ONE PERSON ALIVE reads all your lyric-altering garbage. What the fuck is that? Stop.

The Reading Royals? Do you seriously think ANYBODY cares about them?

Where ya getting flown out to this week? To the best game? Well LA DEE FUCKING DA. Good for you.

I'll do some Don Julio shots for you if you quit filling "The Gameface" with shit.
I hate it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bright Headlights. You Know What's Coming.

There isn't a more aggravating car accessory around.

I'm of the opinion that night driving would be significantly easier if all car lights were dimmer. I've driven around when there are no cars out and it's dark, and I can see shitloads better. I'm convinced that car lights have gotten to the point where the only reason you decide to buy them is to blind the shit out of people, or if you're an irrational idiot.

I see countless commercials for brighter headlights that show two things:

1. Driving down a forest highway and seeing a deer suddenly pop up in the headlights.

2. Driving down a city road and seeing a kid suddenly pop up in the headlights.

The first one is mildly realistic, although highly improbable. The odds that the extra space you can see in the dark actually prevent you from hitting a deer are very slim, and those go along with the odds of hitting a deer in the first place. Most deer collisions are either because the driver is staring mindlessly down the road not paying attention, or because the deer happens to be crossing the road at the same time a car is passing. They don't just stand on highways and stare down the road. Even if one did one time, the majority don't. Anyway, long point short, don't buy headlights so you can avoid fucking deer on the highway.

The second is just stupid. What are kids doing on the road at night anyway? Playing night baseball? Kids will never run into the street for no reason at night. Unless they're trying to put McDonalds cups full of nails in the street for you to run over with your car. If that's the case, RUN THOSE JIZZRAGS RIGHT THE FUCK OVER.

So I've come to the conclusion that the only people who buy bright headlights are irrational parents and dickheads(because what makes you look more badass than blinding people?).

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Yo, I'm Jim Caldwell, and I'm Allergic to Talking

Yo dawgs, it ain't like the hives be illin on my face, but they always gettin in the way of me doin my thang. I be tryin to hit up da clubs, and I get all these hoes all up inmaFACE. Back off bitches. I gettin hives when tellin bitches to back off. But the bitches don't stop, so I gotsta talk. JIM'S FACIN SOME BITCHASS CONUNDRUMS UP IN HEEEERE.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

NFL Week 9 Power Rankings

These ones come with even LESS details than before!

1. Colts
2. Vikings - I bet the Vikings would beat the Saints, based on no thought process. But I'm sure the logic is kicking around somewhere.
3. Saints - A Saints - Colts Superbowl would be fantastic.
4. Patriots - I don't know.
5. Bengals - Fuck the AFC North is good. It seems like the Bengals, Ravens, and Steelers will beat everybody else they play except themselves. The Bengals have a 2-game season starting this week, if they win, lock up the division and possibly a bye.
6. Steelers
7. Ravens
8. Broncos - I'll overreact to their loss. The Ravens crushed them, and I expect the Steelers would do the same. The Patriots would beat them if they played again, and so would the Bengals. Now that teams know what this Broncos team plays like, they can gameplan for it. The Broncos were almost like an expansion team this year, no one knew what to expect at the start. I expect the Broncos will remain around this spot until the end of the year.
9.Eagles - The Eagles WILL make the playoffs, and they are always a threat to go all the way, just like every other year.
10. Packers - Good team, they've just happened to play the Vikings(who rock) and the Bengals(very close game). There's no shame in losing to the Vikings, and the Packers are still a very good team.
11. Dallas - Homo can get them a couple big wins here and there.
12. Cardinals - They're obviously going to make the playoffs again, thanks to the league's shittiest division. That pisses me off.
13. Texans - Daniels is a big loss, but Walter can pick up the slack. Their defence is playing very good now, and they can sneak into the playoffs. Colts twice in 3 weeks won't be fun, but the Colts have lost a couple defensive starters, so maybe we'll get a couple shootouts.
14. Atlanta- They were able to make some very good defensive plays against the Saints that should have put them in winning position, but they still didn't win. They're a good team, but there's still some work that needs to be done.
15. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches - Still awesome. Can't decide if cutting them diagonally is better than right across.
16. Dolphins- Way to fuck the Jets up.
17. Jets - Way to fuck up.
18. Chargers - Like a worse version of the Texans
19. Bears
20. Panthers- I say the Panthers finish strong, possibly beating the Saints.
21. 49ers
22. Titans- Chris Johnson
23. Seahawks
24. Redskins
25 and so on. - I'm fucking done with this.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

New TV Shows on FOX

Can't wait for the new Wanda Sykes show. Looks so good. Seen the preview? She asks her sound technician if he's ever eaten a vegetable. HA! That will be the entirety of the show. She'll stand there, make sassy black woman jokes to and about everyone, and hilarity will surely ensue. So excited!

While watching the World Series, I also noticed that Seth McFarlane happens to be the owner of 4 shows on Fox. Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, and now some sort of variety show called "Almost Live." I liked Family Guy, but not really anymore. I watched American Dad once, hated it. Never seen the Cleveland Show, and I have no plans too. They're all the same fucking show anyways. Almost Live will just be continuation of whatever you want to call McFarlane's "style." I call it "shitty," but to each his own.

Oh, and I've never seen Brothers, but it probably sucks dog cock as well. Strahan promotes it endlessly, which makes me want to see it even less. I have no respect for any company that insists on driving its product down your throat. Tease me, companies. Then I become curious about what you're selling, instead of feeling like I'm being raped with it.

*Wow, after re-reading that last paragraph, I can't even believe how sexual that got. I didn't even intend that. That might be the gayest paragraph I've ever written.

The release of Windows 7 has brought on a whole new onslaught of Mac and PC ads. In the spirit of being fair and unbiased, they can both go fuck themselves. So sick of the "Mac and PC" garbage, and equally sick of Microsoft's attempt to counter with "I'm a PC and blah blah I'm hip blah."