Monday, July 16, 2007

The Jays need better commentary

Rod Black as V-Dub pops one up 5 feet in front of home plate : "Wells just missed that one."

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

"I love you both equally." Archie told Peyton's arms.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Power ranking of the Denver Broncos? Hardly.

This particular ranking was one of the worst of those power rankings at armchairGM.

9. Denver Broncos-Jake Cutler has been a shocking surprise to Denver as he took control of the offense and led to many victories when Plummer was not succeeding. The Broncos took picked a great choice for a backup Q. Patrick Ramsey is a guy with many years under his belt and knows how the game is played. He will help guide Cutler throughout the year. If Cutler goes down, then Ramsey is good enough to step in a do a decent job as proved with the Chiefs. As far a receivers go, they have the top two (Rod Smith and Javon Walker). To go with that, Travis Henry has been brought into the organization gaining over 1200 yards last year. Mike Bell is still young and learning but will be good in the future. Champ Baily and Dre' Ply will do a great job at corner and the rest of the defense looks great.

I'm going to go through each sentence and break down its retardedness.

"Jake Cutler has been a shocking surprise to Denver as he took control of the offense and led to many victories when Plummer was not succeeding."

In his original unmodified post, he spelled Jay Cutler's first name with a "k" and an "e." This brings me to my first point: If you don't know the name of the starting quarterback on a team, you shouldn't be trying to rank teams in the first place. Now that I'm past the first mistake on the first word, I'll get to the rest of the sentence. A shocking surprise that Cutler is able to play good football? For Christ's sake, he was the 11th pick. Of course he's a good player you dumb idiot. Not everyone picked in the first round is Akili Smith. He also had 2 victories, which doesn't qualify as "many" in my books.

"The Broncos took picked a great choice for a backup Q"

Now to the next topic of this ranking: Patrick Ramsey(hey! he spelt it right) is a quality backup Q. Assuming he means quarterback, I'll get to his description of Ramsey. "Ramsey has many years under his belt and knows how the game is played." This also qualifies my grandma. Hey everyone! If you're old, and know how to play football, come on out and be a backup quarterback for the Broncos!

His next sentence makes sense. "Ramsey will help guide Cutler." It makes sense, but when you're writing a short summary of why the Broncos will be ranked 9th, the fact the Patrick Ramsey can guide is very fucking irrelevant.

"If Cutler goes down, then Ramsey is good enough to step in a do a decent job as proved with the Chiefs."

Hey I didn't know Patrick Ramsey played for the Chiefs? Oh that's because he DIDN'T. Nice research you stupid piece of garbage.
What makes it funnier is that he could have left it with saying: "good enough to step in and do a decent job," but he had to throw in the last part as a sort of smug afterthought. Idiot.

"As far a receivers go, they have the top two (Rod Smith and Javon Walker)."

What? The top two in the league? NO. The top two on their team? If so, then that makes sense because there's no way a team can't have the best players that play for them that are on their team. You get that?

Either way you put it, it's still wrong, because Rod Smith is hardly going to be a top target for Cutler. He's on his last legs and this will probably be his last season. Brandon Marshall and Brandon Stokley will both have a much bigger impact than Smith.

"To go with that, Travis Henry has been brought into the organization gaining over 1200 yards last year."

Okay, that works. Basically anyone on the Broncos who starts will run for a thousand yards on any given year. Reuben Droughns, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, doesn't matter who.

"Mike Bell is still young and learning but will be good in the future."

No he won't.

"Champ Baily and Dre' Ply will do a great job at corner and the rest of the defense looks great. "

Baily and Ply. You fucking retard. Learn how to spell. Sure the defence looks good, but why should anyone think they'll actually do good? At least give a reason for everyone else to think they'll be good.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hooray For People Who Know Nothing About The NFL!

I came across this gem on Deadspin's blog links. I only read the top 10 and the Redskins' prediction, but holy fuck were they ever bad. Apparently Peyton Manning is overrated, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison are underrated, and the Redskins top 3 receivers (Moss, Lloyd, and Randle El) will all eclipse 1,000 yards this season. If the last 2 pieces of shit just show up to play for half the season I'll be fuckin happy.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Companies That Should Seriously Consider Firing Their Marketing People

As we are all aware, TV commercials have the potential to be hilarious. Like the Alltel commercial where the guy says "So, what level dungeon masters are you guys?" and the four other guys go "Dungeon Masters don't have levels! Dork." That commercial is awesome. Unfortunately, some people are idiots and make really shitty commercials. What follows are some companies who make the aforementioned shitty commercials.

1. TBS

I watch this channel a lot because I like Seinfeld. But the stupid trivia question commercials make me want to change the channel. At least ask a question where the answer isn't painfully obvious. Also, please cut out the shameless self promotion. At least 40% of TBS' commercials are for some retarded original comedy series like Tyler Perry's House of Payne or 10 Items or Less. Who watches these? The other 60% are commercials for technical schools...

2. Molson

God, do I ever hate Molson commercials. I mean of course I like their product. But Jesus, do you really have to advance such stupid stereotypes of Canadians? I'm all for patriotism, but we have tonnes of things to be proud of other than being lumberjacks who wear those flannel button-up jackets, eat doughtnuts, and say "aboot". People like that don't even exist for fuck's sake.

3. Rogers

The Grand Daddy of 'em All when it comes to terrible commercials. Of course, I have to mention that shit fest they released during the World Cup last summer. You know, the one that consisted of that couple and the third wheel going to Germany expecting to get tickets at the door for the most popular event in the world. When that failed, they were content to just tour churches and such. In the end, they all realized it didn't matter that they didn't get to watch soccer because they got to know each other better. It goes without saying that they wouldn't of enjoyed it if they couldn't have downloaded music and videos on their cellphones. The commercial doesn't mention the 1900$ cellphone bill the next month. Compound all of this by the fact that this was aired twice every commercial break, every game of the World Cup. What a steaming pile of garbage.

The current piece of piss Rogers is mercilessly shoving down our throats involves the infamous "five." These "five" commercials are passable when they involve Chuck Barkley and Dwayne Wade but not when they star some d-bag with a white man afro and an emo-paki. I don't think emo-paki is an actual term, but you know what I mean. Anyways, the most offensive commercial with these retards is the one where they're playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who gets into the one guys five. So they're playing rock, paper, scissors. Fair enough. That game is obviously the way to go for deciding stuff. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when the one dude decides he should make one handed quotation marks and call it "snake". Then, he decides to unleash this gem, "Snake bites rock. I win." What the toothbrush? How does a snake bite a rock, exactly? If anything the snake will break it's teeth right? But this isn't even the worst part. The guy who is letting people into his five actually agrees with him. Not only would I instantly reject this guy from my phone contact list, I would stop associating with him altogether. On top of all this, Rogers offers an awful phone network.

Some commercials just make me shake my head. I'm sure I missed some brutal ones. Feel free to list in the comments.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Who wants a mustache ride?

Reading 'big fundamental's Top 8 quotes from me thinking about a certain comedy group who's movies offer a whole lot in the memorable quote department. Broken Lizard is that group. Though they have had one great, hilarious movie...followed by two mediocre (or shit) movies, and one college film...they still have enough great lines to fill out a post. I will list the 10 best...much rounder number than 8.


Matt: Well hey, Sara.

Sara: Hey, Matt. Grogan's so funny.
Matt: Yeah. Hey, sounds to me like you like him.
Sara: Well...
Matt: Wow. You and Garbage Dick. That's great!

From Broken Lizard's first movie, the college one. Not very funny, but I felt compelled to include at least one quote from every movie. But this one was pretty funny when I saw it. Sara is the main girl's best friend and Matt is the guy who played Foster in Super Troopers.


Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?

This one always makes me laugh when I hear it. It's so childish yet, effective and apt for the situation it was used it.


I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.

From Beerfest


Nobody ever suspects the fun police.


There's always one fuck-head like you trying to shit in the apple pie. Well you just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back.

Secondary character quote, still funny as hell.


Barry: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.

Fink: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.

Barry: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.


Todd: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator...

Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends...went Muslim. Now I'm out. Praise Allah!


Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

Alright meow...


Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a
fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!

This was a tough decision.


It's not a party until someone breaks the Jacuzzi.

Joey Harrington's Lament


Tell me, what's wrong with throwing 175 yards a game consistently? not much, you say.
Well how bout a big ol' TD to go with that? I'd say that's good like morning wood.

Why do they mock me so?

They say I was a bust, they say I'm not a leader. For Pete's sake this is a team sport and I'm one gosh darn player out of 12. The media beats ME into the dang ground because my TEAM loses. How fair is that? It's not fair at all if you were wondering. I try as hard as I can and what do I get? Scorn. I get scorn. Oh I know what you're thinking. ooooooo scones and corn as one? Sounds yummy! NO! That's not it at all! Scorn is different and bad!

Well I'm fed up with all these big buttholes and I'm not going to take it anymore! From this moment onward, Joey Harrington will be a new man. A new quarterback! Now that I've requested to move to Atlanta, it's time to begin anew. I'm going to laugh more, care less, stick my wiener in cheerleaders, and stay up past 11:30!

Yeah I'd like to doodle on her etch-a-sketch alright.

Give me that box of food, you poor son of a mink!

What's wrong with bumpin' uglies with some kids? Nothing at all.

-Hee hee! What's brown and sticky?

-Mmphh HAHAHA no not my DOODOO (giggle)

-A stick! GUFFAW!