The Snake's Lament

YES! I LOVVVE retirement! I'm having a fucking ball. A BALL!

(sitting at home watching the monday nighter)


"Ohhhh Jay Cutler is sooo good at rolling out of the pocket! Look at the way he twists those hips to make those throws!"

Fuck that.

(takes a swig of whiskey)

You know who's better at rolling out? fucking ME.

I lead you to the playoffs, to A 14 AND 2 RECORD, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?

(takes shot of Daniels) WOO!

Nothing. Dick-all. So here I am stuck either fighting a gay fuckhead for a starting job, or retiring.
Well...queers be damned.

(another swig of whiskey)

Now I'm stuck at home, playing HANDBALL for christ's sake. HANDBALL! Is that even a fucking sport?

Eric Plummer: Hey! C'mon now, we got fourth in last week's tournament and you were ecstatic about it. Don't be tryi..

Bah! I was faking...Who in their right mind would choose handball over football? I choose feet over hands!
I (chugs an Old Milwaukee)...what?

DAMMIT I could be out there...I SHOULD be out there. I can do that easy.
I'm the SNAKE.

(shot of Daniels)

HAHA I bite your wife's titties with my FANGS! Oh yeah!!! Football!!
Whats a....SHIT I should be playing. Why aren't I playing? I should play for the Broncos!

(swig of whiskey)

Hey! They're playing right now! I better get to the stadium. Whoop... don't forget the ROAD BEERS BABAAAYYY!!!

(driving to the stadium) WELCOME TO THE JUNNGGGGLLEEEE ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES...WE GOT EVERYTHING except JAKKKKE PLUMMMMAAAAA!!!

(Storming post-game conference)

Guys! GUYS! I'm here! Don't worry! Let's go... what are you waiting for? TO THE FIELD!!! I'm back...where's my uniform? Why is everyone standing around? SHANNY! c'mere...give your ol' boy a hug. How ya been? Where's your little fuck buddy? OH THERE HE IS! JAY! Remember me! I'm BACK bitch. Lets see how YOU like having your starting job taken away. PLUMMER is BACCCKK!!!! GET PUMPED!!! HEY! GET BACK!!BACK PLUMMER GOES...HE ROLLS OUT OF THE PODIUM...TOUCHDOWN!!!! (tackled by security guards)

(Security drags Jake away and throw him outside)


Ah FUCK..

DAMN YOU SHANAHANANAHAN! IMMA GET MY REVENGE!


(barfs)


HEYYOUioughtakickyourWHERESMYCAR?ahfuckit....I'lljust...BOO!