Breaking News!

Tom Brady was shot in the head with rifle yesterday, and though he didn't die, he did suffer permanent brain damage. Were he playing for any team other than the Patriots, he would have been released, but, according to a spokesman for the team, the Patriots still plan to play Brady during the regular season. "There's really no change in the gameplan for the Patriots with a retard under center," says Fred Thompkins, a professional analyst. "all we have to do is teach him to somehow launch the football in the air. Once we've figured out his throwing capacity we'll just design our receiver routes to fit his throws. The receivers will obviously catch it every time, so it's not a big deal." says passing coach Geoff Jenkins.

The man who shot Brady was none other than Matt Cassel, the backup quarterback. Apparently he really wanted the starting job, and our correspondent Cuba Sugar caught up with Matt as he was being taken away.

Cuba: Hey! Matt! Are you stupid? Why would you shoot Tom Brady?
Matt: Fuck you I'm Matt the mother fuckin Castle! Built of solid granite! I can do whatev I feel, when I feel!
Cuba: Okay, do you realize that the team would just trade or pick up someone who's actually good if Tom wasn't around?
Matt: You kiddin? I catapult that football down the field like no one's business, slam my drawbridge down any faggot's throat that comes near me, not to mention scoring touchdowns like I throw used whores into the moat! But I do get sacked a lot.
Cuba: Oh really? Well if that's happeni...
Matt: SACKED as in I fuck all the peasants in my fucking castle!

Cassel was then led away to his holding cell, where he will remain until his hearing.
Tom Brady was conscious within hours of his surgery and was expected to resume practice the following day. Owner Robert Kraft said Cassel will be allowed to return the team after he's finished his jailtime. After Matt Cassel was told Brady would still be playing this coming season, he remarked: Great now I'm backing up a shitwad who can't tell the difference between crap and a candy cane.