Sunday, September 23, 2007

Things I Love

Taking huge dumps.

Honestly, is there anything better?

I just took a huge crap and now I'm sitting here just marvelling at how good it felt and how good I feel right now.

Here's how it usually goes. You get that feeling down in your've had a big supper, you know eventually you need to poop....and then it hits you. It's time. You don't need to rush to the bathroom, you've got time. Get up. Walk don't need to run and jostle everything about. You get to the bathroom, make sure no jackass has pissed on the seat, and calmly make your nest (I prefer two 3-pieces on either side). Maybe grab a comic book if you're so inclined. So now you take a seat and concentrate on the task at hand. You take a breath and clench your cheeks. Give it a good push and feel it start to make its way out. You can feel it sliding out slowly, so you take another breath and give it a solid push, making sure not to cut it off. With a sploosh, you know you've just let a giant dookie hit the water. Wipe once to see what the verdict is. A little bit of turd is on there, but that's expected. The second wipe is much better. Nothing.

Congratulations, You've just made the perfect ass goblin.


Me said...

Pooping is good. I like to poop.

Is it wrong to take pictures of my poops?

clock cleaner said...

not if you post them on

St. Chris Simon said...

What the fuck. You make a nest in your own house? Thats some seriously paranoid shit.

Isaak said...

Nesting in your own house is pretty fucked up...are you scared someone in your family has an active case of herpes?

I actually try to avoid the splashback at all costs. Not only do i not want shit-water all over my ass cheeks and balls, but knowing that my shit is big enough to enter the water and still have more coming out gives me a sense of accomplishment.

As for the wiping, it's not very fun when you have to rummage through a forest to find the little bastards. Do you really only have to wipe twice?

St. Chris Simon said...

Yeah, hate splash back. Makes me feel unclean all day. But I do agree that it makes me feel like I just pulled Hiroshima on the toilet.

And yeah....if I only have to wipe's like winning the lottery of time-saving.

clock cleaner said...

sometimes i can wipe twice. I can usually estimate the amount of wiping ill have to do when i feel it come out. if it's a fairly fast but consistent speed coming out i know i won't need to wipe a lot. but if you feel some extra left in there, you've got trouble...

i can't help making a nest in my house. I'm not used to the cold touch of the toilet seats.

i don't find the forest to be a problem. It should be...but i guess my wiping technique must be advanced.