Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

News story on Yahoo!

"Domino’s delivery driver comes to the rescue of elderly daily customer

Every day for the past three years, 82-year-old Jean Wilson of Memphis has ordered a large, thin-crust pepperoni pizza and two diet cokes from a local Domino's Pizza. Some are now saying that Wilson's Domino's habit may have saved her life.

Wilson recently had a fall in her house and wound up not being able to power herself up. So after her regular order failed to surface for three days delivery driver Susan Guy--who said she's come home numerous times in the past to find her cancer-stricken mother on the floor after a fall--took it upon herself to drive to Wilson's house to check on her.

"I said, 'she hasn't called in three days?' " Guy told the Today Show. "I have to go."

Guy told the show that when she arrived at Wilson's address, she beat on all the windows and doors of the house, but heard no response, so she called 911. When police paramedics arrived and entered the home, they found Wilson on the floor. She's reportedly doing well, and is expected to return home soon."

Let's not waste time. What the FUCK is this lady doing ordering a large pizza every day for 3 FUCKING YEARS?! That's the kind of behaviour that gets you locked up in a mental institution. Say it costs $20 for the large pizza and two diet cokes. I have no idea. That's over $7000 a year, and over $21,000 for 3 years! Are they serious? EVERY DAY for 3 whole years? That's what the article says. No "almost every day for 3 years." I can't even comprehend how a person can do that. You have to be mentally ill. And besides the actual ordering of the pizza, HOW DOES SHE EAT A LARGE PIZZA AND DRINK 2 DIET COKES WHEN SHE'S 82 FUCKING YEARS OLD? Yeah, no shit she fell and couldn't get up.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Your 2011 Grammy Review

If we're using correct punctuation, it's the Grammies. But we're not. And really, it’s an indication of the type of night the public experiences when watching the Grammys. Looks good, but something is off. The Grammys look really good, but really, are just musicians congratulating themselves for making music. To me, the Grammys are an opportunity to watch elaborate performances and collaborations. I couldn’t give two shits who wins Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Duet or whatever other garbage is out there. As for the actual awards, I remember two things.

1. Best New Artist was won by someone who isn’t Justin Bieber or Drake.

2. Arcade Fire won Album of the Year.

That’s it. And you know what? Both of those awards are completely meaningless. Eddie Vedder said it best when Pearl Jam won Best Hard Rock Performance: "I don't know what this means. I don't think it means anything".

Let’s get on to a list of things people DO remember.

1. Lady Gaga. I can’t remember anything she said or did because I was staring at those plastic shoulders she had. Lady Gaga, YOU SCARY. She must have some deep emotional issues.
2. Everything Justin Bieber did. I hate him, but I respect the quality of his performances. It’s all downhill from here, Justin. Your voice is clearly in the midst of changing, and you’re not a good singer anymore. You won’t ever be nominated for another Grammy other than Best New Artist, so I hope you enjoyed it. Good job. And fuck you.
3. Mumford & Sons are the best. Avett Brothers were also good. I just think folk rock is so darn cool. “Ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more!” (Repeat 50 times)
4. Jason Segel’s dig at Lady Gaga was hilarious.
5. Eminem’s re-introduction of Dr. Dre was really well done. Whoever that female singer is was good too. I really liked the anticipation of Dr. Dre coming out.
6. The John Mayer-Norah Jones-Keith Urban cover of Dolly Parton’s Jolene was awesome. Great guitaring, guys.
7. Marc Antony and Jennifer Lopez are massive turds.
8. What does Will.I.Am do to his hair? There’s a big chunk missing. I don’t understand.
9. Did one single person there wear a normal black suit and tie? Why can’t anyone do that?
10. Lea Michelle saying: “Wimmers.” I had to look up who that was, because Glee is stupid.
11. Mick Jagger is incredibly spry for being so old. Great stuff.
12. Esperanza Spalding’s speech was top notch. That was probably the most concise, heartfelt, and grateful speech I’ve had the pleasure of hearing.
13. Kris Kristofferson! He’s a man’s man.
14. Was Arcade Fire supposed to play that last song? I don’t think so, but that was funny. “We’re gonna play another song cause we like music.” Annnnnd queue the rappers all boiling over with rage.