Monday, April 14, 2008

People That Suck

At a normal, organized blog, I would probably just write these down and let Cock Cleaner put them in one of his "People I Hate" posts. Unfortunately, our blog blows and none of us know what is going on.

People who go to Sarcan with too few or too many cans/bottles

I went to Sarcan the other day with 1.5 bags of cans and 2 milk crates of bottles (parents may be borderline alcoholics). This managed to get me a pretty respectable 23 dollars - I consider anything over 20 dollars a success. But what I did means nothing, because I'm not fucking stupid like everyone else.

This place was packed. They had three lines going and it still had six people per line. Now that I think about it, I'm a bit of a moron for staying. There were people walking in there after me with TWO SMALL SHOPPING BAGS of cans. You know what that probably got them? One dollar and fifty fucking cents. Is $1.50 really worth forty-five minutes of your time?

Then there are the people with 13-14 bags and about six cases of some shit beer (like Black Ice). You do know that there's a limit on how much they can give you, right? They can't just give you the $300 or so that your shit is worth. Come to think of it, why the fuck are you saving your cans and bottles for so long? Is your life really that busy that you can't go to Sarcan every month or so when that 3rd bag fills up? Or are you just such a pile of shit that you drink 12 bags worth of cans in a month? Either way, die.

Also, why do people hate Sarcan workers so much? I always hear them getting ragged on, but I've had no problems with them. If anything, congratulate them for not killing themselves while they do the most monotonous job in the world. People that hate Sarcan workers also fuckin' suck.

Jays fans that boo their own players on a regular basis

First off, the Jays lost a heartbreaker tonight in 14 innings. Burnett got tagged with the loss (naturally) after the Jays ran out of relievers and had to toss him in there. The relief pitching was pretty fantastical, getting out of quite a few jams (a couple no outs, bases loaded situations).

On to the people that suck. I don't want to sound like Drunk Jays Fans and beak Toronto's fans, but they get fucking annoying sometimes. They regularly boo their own pitchers after walks - doesn't matter if it was a 10-pitch at-bat - and they boo after strikeouts. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know it sucks to watch your team fail, but it's one fucking out/walk. If The Big Hurt is 0-4 with 4 K's or Burnett walked the last 3 guys, a little boo might suffice, but don't do it every god damn time.

I also have a new beef with Jamie Campbell and Josh Hamilton (Rangers OF). I had no idea who the guy was until the last series the Jays had with them, but Campbell just loves to slobber all over his cock.

Campbell: And Josh Hamilton is up to the dish. This hot piece of ass doesn't even need a bat. He could just catch the ball with his bare hand and throw it over the fence. Look at those muscles...god...I just...goooooooo.

What a dick.

Friday, April 11, 2008

It's About Fucking Time

In the "what took you so long" department, we don't have to listen to Bryant Gumbel next year. As we discussed last football season, Gumbel appeared to be fucking awful at announcing football games.

Mock Draft Ver. 2.0

1. Miami - Jake Long - Fits need and makes more sense financially. 30 million for a defensive lineman is way over market value.

2. St. Louis - Chris Long - Least risky pick.

3. Atlanta - Matt Ryan - Joey Harrington and Chris Redman.

4. Oakland - Darren McFadden - Too good to pass up. This team might actually be good if JaMarcus is half decent.

5. Kansas City - Glenn Dorsey - Want Ryan or Jake Long so just go with best available.

6. New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - Could be their Merriman or Ware.

7. New England - Derrick Harvey - I'd take a corner, but they don't invest in corners. They do invest in linebackers though, and they're old and thin there.

8. Baltimore - Leodis McKelvin - Samari ain't what he used to be.

9. Cincinnati - Sedrick Ellis - The obvious pick.

10. New Orleans - Mike Jenkins - Jason David.

11. Buffalo - Devin Thomas - Apparently Malcom Kelly blew shit in his workouts and is no longer considered first round material. They really need a receiver so I guess they reach for Thomas.

12. Denver - Ryan Clady - The loss of Lepsis means tonnes of question marks on the line.

13. Charlotte - Chris Williams - Need a lineman. Will take whoever the Broncos don't take between these two.

14. Chicago - Branden Albert - They need help pretty much everywhere on offense. Start in the trenches.

15. Detroit - Rashard Mendenhall - Mendenhall is almost as good as McFadden in my books (which I realize could not possibly mean less) and they cut Kevin Jones so if he gets past the Bears...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I hate

People who litter: I know some people who go out of their way to litter. Why do they do it? I don't know. It just makes no sense to me. I could see if it was really really inconvenient, then it can be alright to litter. But to go out of your way to throw garbage onto the grass just blows my mind. A conversation with someone who litters is terrible.

Me: Why did you throw it out the window? I have a garbage in my car and there's garbage can 2 feet away from where we're parked. You're a real asshole, you know that?

Litterer: HAHA Okaaaayyyy tree hugger! Who cares?! Big deal! So what?!

Me: Fuckin hell...

There's nothing you can really say to them, because they've already got it stuck in their head that it's cool to litter. One person telling them they're a dick won't solve anything. Yeah, it's somewhat about the environment, but that's only part of it. You don't want pets and other animals eating your mcdonalds wrapper and you're just making work for someone. Most important of all, have some fucking respect. When you litter, you're not a badass, you're a jackass.

People from Saskatoon: I can't express my disdain for people from Saskatoon enough. Pretty much everyone in that city is a pompous dickhead with their head shoved up their asshole. All they can talk about is how great their fucking city is. Listening to the radio today, people from Saskatoon were calling in saying they should move the football team to Saskatoon, there would be no football team without Saskatoon fans, their girls were hotter, blah blah blah. Seriously, what's better about Saskatoon? They have 2 circle drives for fuck's sake. Their university is really nice, but c''s fucking school. You go to school to learn, not to sit around and stare at shit. Listen, I like Saskatoon. It's a nice city and all that and I'm sure the people are friendly until you tell them you're from Regina and they all run away going EWWWWWW REGINA! ...but that's beside the point. Saskatoon is a good city, but it's pretty much the exact same as Regina. There's no point in fighting Regina over being a better city. You're not going to win, you're accomplishing nothing, and you're wasting your time. We need to unite against other Calgary. What a giant shithole.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Congrats on Your New Balls, Cincinnati Bengals

Bengals News: As a fan of the Bengals, this is good to see. Marvin Lewis has already put Chad Johnson in his place, and did it very well. His speech on the topic was very pretty tough and he made it crystal clear that Chad Johnson will be a Bengal next season. I think Chad will play, and play well. If the Bengals can somehow do better this year and manage to make the playoffs, Chad won't be a problem.

In other Bengal news, they cut Chris Henry. This is another step in the right direction for the Bengals. After he turned himself in on an assault charge this morning, the Bengals announced they were going to cut him. He's a player, but man...get a fucking brain. I don't think it's entirely his fault, and people might just be taking advantage of his troublesome past, but in any case, it all comes back to him. If you're fortunate enough to be able to play in the NFL, you CANNOT be doing dumb shit. He got a second chance with the Bengals after last year, so he should have been sitting at home and working out or something every night. Thing is, his priorities are all fucked up. If you pick going out and drinking every night over playing in the NFL, if I was an owner, I would not want you on my team. Some people just don't realize how lucky they are.

So...this really thins out the receivers on the Bengals. After Housh and CJ, it's Antonio Chatman. Obviously, they need to fill those spots. Malcolm Kelly, the best WR, isn't rated high enough to be taken #9. I'm guessing they'll take the best DT or DE available at their spot, then take a receiver next round. They might trade up a few spots to make sure they get Sedrick Ellis. In any case, they'll be taking a defensive player with whatever pick they end up with.

I don't know what the Bengals have been doing with their team. Look at their 2005 roster. The team now consists of pretty much the exact same players, just minus most of the good ones. No one has gotten better. It's like they've traded all their draft picks the last 2 years for an old sandwich.

Broncos News: Fucking Brandon Marshall. He's going to miss the entire offseason because of his stupid arm. I don't know how you almost rip your arm off wrestling with a family member, and I don't know why he's a grown man(and a giant football player) wrestling family members, but this just sucks.

For the draft, the Broncos are pretty much guaranteed to take an Offensive Tackle. They gotta protect Cutler better than last year.

Eagles News: Eagles, get a fucking wide receiver. McNabb is a great player, but he can only do so much with Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis. If they just had one really good receiver, it would probably catapult them back into the NFC Championship game. McNabb has never complained about his receivers, but look how good they were when T.O. was there.

They'll probably draft some defensive loser. I say take the best WR available, shore up linebacking or safety in the second and third rounds.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I Got A Hate-on For These Commercials

All-Bran: All-Bran had a good idea. When they came out with that "These All-Bran snacks taste really good," that was funny. I really liked that commercial.

As usual, once companies get a hold on something good, they beat it into the fucking ground. They had a guy going around the office saying that phrase and people spit water all over him, and NOW they have a guy eating cereal in a meeting saying the phrase. Don't these companies get it? IT'S NOT FUNNY. It's just like those Capital One "Hands in my pocket" commercials. If someone tells you a funny joke, you'll laugh. If they tell you the joke tomorrow, you might chuckle. If they tell you that joke 3 times a day for a week, you'll kick them in the junk.

If you want your company and commercial to be memorable, don't air it every second commercial. Make it a rare occurence, so people will be able to actually remember it for being funny and clever, not for being shoved down their throats.

Maltesers: Maltesers commercials are stupid. The one with the couple watching a movie is the worst. The girl asks for a piece of the candy the way a porn star asks for an eggplant up her vagina. Then the guy gives her a Maltesers by sucking through the straw and holding the candy on the straw before dropping into her mouth. It ends with the two of them giggling like retards for some unknown reason. Apparently eating candy makes you laugh or something. The goal, I guess is to show that the candy is light. Yeah, good job Maltesers, I really want to buy your fucking candy because it's light. Idiots.

The Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I Hate.

Today: People who have to do some sort of "gang sign" in pictures.

Why? I don't understand. Are they just looking for something to do with their hands? It makes no sense.

The most common hand sign is giving the "peace sign" in pictures. If you're a girl, you must always look to the side, still keeping your eyes on the camera, and then make your lips pouty. Oh...nearly forgot...the peace sign must always be sideways. If you're a guy, doesn't really matter. Just make sure it's sideways. And that's how you can look like a fucking tool in all your pictures.

I have a suggestion. When someone takes a picture of you, just fucking stand there and smile. You can put your hands in your pocket, maybe around someone's shoulder, cross them if you want...hell just leave them hanging there. I really don't care, as long as it's not some sort of stupid gangster sign.

Listen...if you're not a black rapper trying to make a statement, then don't do the fucking sign. You're not a're a smegma bag.