Sunday, December 27, 2009

To Pull or Not to Pull?

Just some semi-incoherent, point form thoughts about the Colts decision to pull everyone in today's game:

1. Good theory, horrific execution. I'm all for sitting down Peyton, et al. when playoff seedings have been locked down. One missed blitz pickup and the whole season goes down the shitter. But the timing couldn't have been worse. The way Caldwell (or Polian, or whoever ultimately made the decision) pulled the starters at a seemingly random point midway through the third corner was unbelievable. Why lead everyone to think you're going to go for 15-0 and then just pull the rug out from under them? Why not pull them at halftime or after the third quarter? The timing of the move was infuriatingly bizarre.

2. There was no reason to be so coy with the media. It once again comes back to antagonizing the fan base. If Caldwell or Polian had indicated that this was the plan for the week, I think most rational people would have understood. But when the offensive starters played the first series of the third quarter, it made everyone watching think they were going for the win. The air was completely sucked out of the stadium when Painter ran onto the field. I could taste the disappointment through my TV speakers.

3. There's something to be said about taking the pressure of being undefeated off the team going into the playoffs. But the way it was handled will turn the decision itself into a huge distraction. The media will have a field day with it. Net gain: zero at best.

4. Way to throw Painter to the wolves. The kid might be ruined forever. Not that he was ever going to be good to begin with.

5. This move sets up morons with an easy way to criticize the Colts should they lose in the playoffs. The old story of the Colts losing because they rest players couldn't be more wrong. The 2003 team killed Denver and KC before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. The 2004 team again crushed Denver before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. You can throw the "rust" excuse right out the window considering they won playoff games before losing. The 2005 team lost a pretty crazy Divisional game to the eventual champion Steelers, two weeks after James Dungy killed himself. I think the off the field issues and Mike Vanderjagt missing a 46 yard field goal had more to do with losing a close game than resting starters did. The 2006 team didn't have a chance to rest anyone and won the Super Bowl. Please note that the 2002 Colts couldn't rest and lost immediately. The 2007 team rested starters and lost to the Chargers. This team was really beat up. Freeney didn't play, Mathis was not 100%, and Clark played with a broken hand (the potential game winning pass bounced off a bandaged hand). Marvin Harrison coughed up a killer fumble in the red zone. Most importantly, the defense fell apart in the second half, after a fine first half. Rest was no issue. The 2008 Colts rested and got beat by Mike Scifres and a Gijon Robinson missed block in the fourth quarter. The game was played in San Diego even though they were 8-8 while the Colts went 12-4. Oh, and the Chargers got the 16th draft pick, while the Colts picked 27th. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Anyway, myth debunked.

6. It sucked watching Peyton and Reggie and Dallas just sitting glumly on the bench as they watched a chance at history slip away. They know you don't get a chance to go undefeated every year. It takes a few bounces, a decent schedule, and good health. The looks on their faces said it all about what they wanted the coaches to do. Having said that, people who I've read on message boards saying the players are going to quit on the coaches because of this move is the most retarded thing you could possibly say. Obviously these guys still want the Super Bowl.

7. I've also been in message board conversations where people have asked me: "If they lose in the Divisional round, will you still be ok with the decision?" Of fucking course I will, because if they lose, this will have absolutely nothing to do with what happened today. Keep this shit in perspective. The Colts still have as good a chance as anyone to win the bloody Super Bowl.

8. Whether it was Caldwell or Polian who ultimately decided that starters should be benched today, I must commend him for having mighty big balls. He had to have known that this would be looked upon with a critical eye, and that if the team does not win the Super Bowl, fingers will be pointed directly at him, however unconnected the two events might be. The easier decision would have been leave everyone in. If there are injuries, its just bad luck; if they lose in the playoffs, its the players fault.

9. Summary: resting people, smart. Benching everyone in the middle of the third quarter in a game you're winning while currently 14-0 after not making any real indication you were planning on benching everyone, stupid. I agree with why they did it, but it felt like a big middle finger to the fans. I personally am alright with it, but I don't blame Colts fans for feeling like the got jobbed.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thoughts I Was Thinking About

-The hot new Christmas item this year is apparently Zhu Zhu pets. From my research on them, they're little mechanical hamsters that are programmed to respond to objects you buy them. So let's get this straight. Hamsters are fucking stupid and useless, and nobody actually wants one. They're substitutes for real pets. Zhu Zhu pets are substitutes for hamsters. That makes them doubly useless. I'LL TAKE 4.

-I shouldn't be surprised, considering hot Christmas toys in the past have been things like Furby, Tamagochi and Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck you kids who want to take of robots. All I wanted when I was a kid was Lego. Easily the best Christmas present you could have given me. I should have been an architect. "Look at this cool base I made for my spaceship! This jeep has wings so I can land it on the spaceship too and AWW MAN I NEED A 4 BLOCK TO FINISH MY BASE WALL." Lego rules.

-The Littlest Hobo is hilarious. The 30 minute block of time takes me all the way back to 1996. The commercials are the exact same as they were back then. There's the Bodybreak ads and public service messages every single break. Maybe tomoorrrrrow I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on da da da da dooo!

-I just saw the Nike Soccer ad from last year. I love it. Watch it now.

-What's with the weird alcohol advertising going on lately? There's the ad we know and love, where the guy is running through trees exploding from the ground, but there's others. The Smirnoff commercial where they all play instruments in the sewer, or paint an old gas station black and party inside, or the Bacardi commercial where they make an island in the middle of a lake. Who among us is willing to go to that much work for one night of drinking? Not worth it at all. They must have been drinking too much Bacardi when they came up with that idea. "Guys, guys, guys...let's make an ISLAND, and party on it!!" I lost interest already, dude.

-Finally, something went my way in Yahoo Fantasy Football. I won by 2 once they made the day-after adjustments. I was out of the playoffs before, but now I'm in! Yay! Sorry for sounding like Mike Silver. "I bet the Head Coach of USCB Women's Basketball team, Lindsay Gottlieb will have trouble in HER league. BUT WHAT ABOUT MALIBU? He was 3 points up for the 2 seed. I told her to start Reggie Bush, and she did. I can't believe that UCSB Women’s basketball coach Lindsay Gottlieb did that. I think she'll take the 2 seed. By the way, have I mentioned my daughter's soccer team won yesterday?" I absolutely cannot stand Silver's Gameface.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ode to Roy

I was going to write a long-winded paean to the majestic steed that is Roy Halladay, but I couldn't think of anything that hasn't already been said about the man. I wouldn't even be posting this if I didn't already type in that title. What a peach. Ode to Roy! Ha! Fuck, I'm good.

But seriously, Doc's the greatest. The best athlete I've ever had the pleasure of following, non-Peyton Manning division. The time he one hit the Yankees in September was the most fun I've ever had sitting on my couch alone on a Friday night. I have no doubt that he'll destroy the National League next year.

There's no point in evaluating the trade, since I don't know enough about any of the prospects rumored to be involved. It doesn't even matter who the Jays get back anyway. We're losing Roy Halladay. This trade is going to feel like a solid punch to the gut no matter what.

So in lieu of any analysis, I'll simply say this: Thanks for the memories, Doc. You'll be missed.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Can we not?

I'd just like to alert everyone that, even though winter is only 4 days old, I'm already extremely sick of the "So much for global warming, eh?" joke. All you assholes say it like you think you're the first person to ever come up with such a brilliant witticism. Please shut up. That is all.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Jokes Minus Jokes

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Corporal Smithson.

Corporal Smithson who?

Corporal Smithson, sir, with Marine Corp. It is my duty to inform you that your 2 sons have been killed in Iraq. I regret to inform you that they were forced to have anal sex with each other before being executed and dragged through the streets.


A chimpanzee, a lion, and a man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you 3?"

The man says: "What? 3? What are you talking about?

The bartender says: "You came in with a chimpanzee and a lion."

The man says: "What are you ta...SWEET JESUS A LION!"

This noise startles the lion, who, out of instinct, immediately attacks the man, severing his arm and clamping down on his carotid artery in order to neutralize the threat. Lions are territorial animals and don't respond well to sudden noises or movements. Turns out some teenagers had accidentally let animals escape from the nearby zoo in their attempt at juvenile fun. One teenager was mauled to death, while the other 2 were charged with a variety of crimes. Not to mention they had the death of their good friend on their conscience.


What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The airlines have actually cut out airline snacks entirely, due to the harsh economic times. There do remain a few airlines that provide a very small bag of trail mix, but this is very high in salt and low in nutrition.


Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street, people point and say: "Is that a man or a woman?"


3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

They faced an extremely odd test to get into heaven that was solely based on quick wit, and not their life accomplishments or good deeds. It was an extremely unfair process, and all the families of the dead men were extremely heartbroken at this sudden loss of a family member.

Why did the pedophile get fired from his job at the steel mill?

Because he didn't provide his criminal record to the manager. When they found out, he got fired. A couple unfortunate clicks on the internet, and now he's essentially unemployable.


Did you hear the one about the extremely hairy man with an art history degree?

He has slowly come to realize his career choice hasn't been fulfilling at all, but he's too old to do anything else.


Thursday, December 3, 2009


I watched part of an episode of SNL last Saturday. And GOOD GOD, was that the most astoundingly poor decision of the night.

The first skit: and it had Gerard Butler sitting at his desk interviewing a guy for a job. They have a serious conversation for about 30 seconds, then Butler's assistant comes in. She makes these weird noises for and says "You're my boss huuuuuuuuhuhuhuhuh" and everyone in the studio starts laughing. Then Butler tells here to go away, so she does, but then she opens the door again and makes more noises, none of which I can tell are words, and leaves again. Everyone is laughing. Then she appears at the window, holding a dead mouse in her hand, makes more noises for a longer time period, then finally the skit ends.

Second skit:
Gerard Butler as King Leonidas. Unsurprisingly, everyone has their chests covered. I can't quite remember the exact details of this one, but the joke was that everyone was gay, and not admitting it. Rest assured, no funny lines used.

Third skit:Weekend Update. Some lady came on, sat there humming for awhile, while the audience gradually faded in and out of laughter. I guess it got funnier, then less funny, then funnier. Not sure how that works. Then I turned off the TV.

Bold Analysis: F - Fucking garbage. I have never, ever seen a show this bad. I had been lazily reclining on the couch when this came on, but by the end I was on the edge of my seat. I was enthralled by the shittiness of these skits. How can something this bad get made? It confuses the hell out of me. You're supposed to have a team of writers working each week to make a one hour show, and between all the stupid trumpets, advertisements, and dicking around, you need around 40 minutes of actual material. Writers, come up with 40 minutes of something MILDLY funny. Last year I thought SNL was on the upswing, but I was wrong. They've jumped into a canyon.

On a related note, the audience laughter baffles me. These things ARE NOT funny. People go into these comedy shows and just laugh at everything mindlessly. It doesn't have to be funny. They're at a show that is supposed to be funny, so they find everything funny. It reminds me of that time Jerry Seinfeld was on a late night show, and Michael Richards came on to apologize for his comments, and while he's explaining himself, the crowd is just laughing away. Nothing about it is funny, but everyone's laughing. Jerry has to tell the crowd to shut up. It's weird that people see something unfunny and just start laughing because of where they are. Something about that scares me.

Anyway, SNL is horrid. And everyone on that show should be shot. They rely on Digital Shorts to be funny, but those require elaborate setups and camera work. They can't make straight up funny skits. Kill 'em.