Sunday, December 30, 2007

Hey Adrian! You're having a decent day today. Minus that fumble that just occured. Mmm those constant fumbles might be your demise. Maybe you should consider acting. Your twin did alright with that.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Time for Round 2

Neckbeard had high expectations against a very weak Minnesota passing defence, but failed to come through. Although a little old now, from KSK:

"I have a friend who has another friend who is roommates with Orton. Apparently, Orton was very displeased about the prospect of starting for the Bears, because it meant the end of the gravy train. He knows he isn't good enough to be a pro QB, and that he looks far more appealing on the bench than in a real game. I love Kyle Orton."

You just know that has to be true.

He gets another shot against a much better Green Bay defence. I think it's safe to say we can expect 4 first downs and 175 total yards from Chicago (at best). Chicago's defence won't be able to force the Packers into making as many mistakes as Tarvaris Jackson, therefore they won't get as many field goal opportunities in Green Bay's half (the only way they score points with Orton).

And the neckbeard on Neckbeard? Still stronger than ever.

5 Reasons Why MTV is Destroying the World

MTV is the worst thing (animal, company, corn products, etc.) ever. Here's why.


MTV puts shows like "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and "The Hills" on tv. What are they about? Snotty, slutty, rich girls who do whatever the fuck they want and generally act like bitches the entire time. Well...that'll help how people see women. The more girls see these fake actresses acting like morons, the more they try and imitate it.

" Oh my Gawwwwd, did you see Jessica was totally hitting on Jason yesterday, and LIKE DID YOU SEE HER TUBE TOP???"

The shows are about nothing. Fake, scripted lives that encourage zero thinking. It's putting your own life on hold to watch a fake life of someone else. MTV tries to make the viewer think they're watching a real important life and how "cool" people live their life. Let's all aspire to be retarded!
What is MTV? Shit. Plain and simple. They might as well have some guy taking a dump on TV for 24 hours a day. Hell, I'd watch that. At least then I'm not being fooled into thinking I'm watching anything more.

2. The guy that looks like Jake Gyllenhaal on those aftershows

First off, not only do they make stupid fake life shows that look real, they have shows on what people watching the shows think. Frankly, I'm surprised the people on the aftershow have discovered they have the ability to form coherent words using their mouths.

This "Dan Levy," as I guess he's known, host these aftershows. He leads these idiot conventions. So...Dan Levy, fuck you and die.

3. Required Thinking

MTV encourages the viewer to become wrapped up in scripted lives, using the aftershows to further analyze this pointlessness. It's like minus thinking.

Stephen King wrote a book called Cell, where a signal was emitted at once through all cell phones immediately in use at the time. This signal completely erased all natural instincts of the human brain, "erasing their hard drives." People who weren't on their phones at the time of this possible terrorist signal promptly got on their cell phones to tell other people about the crazy behaviour they saw, then got their minds erased by the signal. People, understandably, became absolutely fucking crazy and stupid.

MTV is that signal.

Not only does it fuck up your mind, it fucks it up so much you become dumber by watching it.

4. Lack of sports

There's no sports. In fact, if there was ever anything opposite to sports, it would be MTV. MTV is to sports what David Wells is to dieting. They're just that far apart.

MTV encourages distractions from the things that matter, namely sports.

5. The tangled web of influence

MTV should be watched solely by girls between the age of 13 and 20. Anyone outside of that group should either be:

a. a pedophile trying to learn how to talk like teenage girls

b. someone who, while flipping through the channels, saw a girl in a bikini and stopped to check her out.

The thing is, this influence on teenage girls extends to the people around them. Girls watch shows like "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." The girl's perception of the right guy becomes some open-collared, muscly-armed douchebag that looks like a 25 year-old no matter what age they are. Now obviously women can control guys, so they'll shape the guy to their liking, making the guy into a different person. This new image starts to wear off on other guys as they see that these douchebags get the girls. The virus spreads from there.

God I hate MTV.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Here we go

It's the night of reckoning...


Friday, December 14, 2007

Dumbass LeRetard

I'm Dan LeBatard! I'm retarded! BAM!

God PTI sucks if its not Tony and Mike

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ads I Approve Of, and Ads I Do Not

Approve- The Jeep Liberty commercial with the animals falling into the Jeep. First the squirrel, then the birds, then the wolf. Seriously I really love this commercial. It's hilarious. Why are they falling into the jeep? Why does the guy look like if he stops singing they'll kill him? Who cares? Funny shit.

Approve- The pepsi commercial with tony romo. I hated this commercial when it first came out, but now I've grown fond of it. FAR-LAAAHHH!!It must have grown on me. Wade doesn't question the play at all. I also like Tony Romo give the play in the huddle. There's no questioning the play-calling on this team at all.

Disapprove- Accutron. A watch commercial. So what happens in it? A fairly muscular man takes his shirt off and the camera rotates around him. A girl does the same thing in a sports bra. The shot alternates between rotating around the man, the woman, and the watch. Are they implying that the watch is nicely sculpted? Is it possible they are retarded?

Disapprove- Bell commercials. The badly animated beavers are so unfunny. Why they the continue putting them in commercials is beyond me.

Disapprove- Obviously all Rogers commercials. They'll only get worse this holiday season too.

Approve- The Chuck Norris commercial for some soft drink.

Disapprove- The "My Sportscenter" commercials. The people doing them always say stupidly scripted things with short halting pauses in between really fast shots of their sport. I hate them.

Oh my God! Fumble!


What's that? Is that the ball? ITS THE BALL!


Everybody! Get the ball! It's loose!

I got it I got it I got it... Look at me! I'm so fast! Everybody is looking at me...I am the center of attention. I am the next Primetime...look how fast I run, faster than our gay fuck of runningback. YAAAA!!! Look at me go!

Why isn't anyone else cheering? Why is that ref laughing at me?

(runs by ref)


(keeps running)

I'm at the 20...the 10! Touchdown for meeeeeeee!

Everybody! Look! I have the ball...I am the best defensive player in the world! Our defense is incredible!


WHAT? WHATCHU MEAN "INCOMPLETE PASS?!" That's BULLSHIT...I saw that ball clearly come..WHAT?! A FLAG? for what? When? I didn't say that...fuckin cock-sucking piss drinker...

Dammit Jerry. I was just finishing the play, you know? Coach always says don't give up...I don't care if was blatantly obvious that it was incomplete. Hey...I'm not retarded.

I just want to be loved.

That's all I ever wanted...

Thursday Night Football With...Bryant and Cris

tuning into this Thursday night game: Denver at Houston


BG: Hey everybody! Greg Gumbel here! Along with Joe Buck in the booth tonight...

Cris Collinsworth: "For the last fucking time...CRIS."

BG: Thanks for tuning into what seems to be tonight's broadcast from what looks like Mile High! We've got what appears to be a packed house for this matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Houston Oilers...The players appear to be ready to get this thing started. Any thoughts on how this will turn out, Bob?

CC: "The Broncos should be way more pr"

BG: OOP and the kick is off, annnnnd it looks like the Broncos really "booted" that one!
The Broncos returned the kick to somewhere around the we'll see Shane Rosenfield take the field for the Texans. He's got Andrew Jackson back at wide receiver so you KNOW they might possibly be ready to play...

First play...OHHHHH Andrew Hall bursts through the middle...and he'll have what seems to be a big gain up the middle for what would appear to be a first down.

CC: Appear? I think a 28 yard run can be classified as a first down...

BG: The Broncos are sending Travis Henry into the game as a sub now.

CC: Are you listening? Do you hear what I'm saying to you?

Bg: What was that Bob?


Bg: back to the game


(Bashes Gumbel in face with his stool)

"commercial break"

update: Bryant Gumbel isn't commenting on the game today. Where could he be?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Occasional Beef

In honour of the original concept of this blog, I'll be filling you in on things I come across that are unforgivably fucking stupid. I find that TV producers do a great job of helping me find these things, so most will be TV based.


First off, I fucking hate almost all mainstream music. No matter how good a song might be, if it goes mainstream, it will eventually make you fucking crazy. You know who's fault that is? MuchMusic's (And regular radio, but luckily I'm no longer subjected to that bullshit). Other than Video On Trial, they have the shittiest programming I can find on TV. That may be because they have no programming whatsoever - as proven by the recent OC marathons every fucking day.

MuchVibe and RapCity are fucking abortions. I blame it on the fact that they refuse to have lesser known artists on the shows - they think that hip-hop revolves solely around Jay-Z and Akon. Not only that, but it's hard to listen to rap when every second word is taken out because society is mentally fucking weak. Actually, most stations have started to allow a lot of the "bad" words - shit, bitch, ass, but not fuck - but of course, MuchMusic can't have any of that. Pussies. This sounds completely made up, and I wouldn't blame anybody for not believing me, but while watching MuchVibe the other day, the playlist went like this: Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown. How the fuck does that happen? Why the fuck did I keep watching?

The Countdown is actually what gets me the most pissed off. This doesn't even necessarily have to be pinned on MuchMusic; every music countdown is the same. The first problem with this stupid system is that songs start at the bottom and have to make an absolutely painfully slow climb to the top. By the time a song gets to the top, it's been on the countdown for about 8-10 weeks already, being played 15 times a day. To make things worse, it stays at the top for another 5 or so weeks, where it's plays per day gets bumped up even more. It's a vicious circle from hell. The second problem is that it's just fucking annoying music. How about putting a little variety in your music selection instead of showing the same bullshit every fucking day?

I can't believe I watch enough of this shit to know all of this. I couldn't even put half of my anger towards it into words. Fergie's music is ridiculous...just shit terrible. Same with Maroon 5. Fucking embarassing.

The Restitution of Kyle Orton

In celebration of Neckbeard's ascent to the rank known as elite starting quarterback and domination of the Vikings on Monday, tomorrow there will be a shit-load of posts. They won't neccesarily be about the Neckbeard, but he'll probably be included in some way.

So get your posts ready..ITS A CELEBRATION BITCH.

Larry Holmes

is being inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame.

This should be an advertising dream for Larry's Grillmaster.

Return of the Neckbeard

The Neckbeard will start
next Monday night against the Vikings. On national TV!

Hide the Jack Daniels.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Weekly NFL Rankings


last week I said fuck the monday night game.

Well fuck me right in the ass.
These will be shorter than the AFC...and with a slightly angrier tone.

1. Dallas- ROMO. You fucking dick. All you do is run around and shotput the fucking football to whatever receiver is open. Looks like it's a fucking cakewalk out there.

2. Green Bay- Okay Aaron Rodgers, whats with the two "a"s in your name. You think you're sneaky A-Aron? I'm watching you. Or at least I'd like to be. Take a ride on the fucking pine Brett Favre. Let Jake Plummer's caveman successor have a go.

3. Minnesota- Minnesota is fucking BALLING right now. Jackson is starting to learn how to play QB, Purple Jesus is back, Sidney Rice is emerging, I'm telling you, they are gonna come close to winning the AFC.

4. Seattle- Buck the fuck up Tiki.

5. Tampa Bay-

6. New York- I hate this team. Way too inconsistent. Their jerseys are way too tight and their gray pants make me vomit.

7. Philadelphia- If Andy Reid concentrated as hard on winning as he does grooming his mustache, they'd be incredible.

8. Arizona- Go Kurt Warner! You're a fucking robot!


10. New Orleans-

11. Washington- Good luck with Todd Collins

12. Chicago Bears- What happened to this defence? Adam Archuleta.

13. St. Louis Rams- Brock Berlin

14. Carolina Panthers- David Carr

15. San Fran-

16. Atlanta- Chris Redman

Friday, December 7, 2007

Bryant Gumbel Seems To Be Retarded

When I watch a football game, I'm usually lucky enough to notice certain things like tipped balls, blocked kicks, interceptions, and the occasional touchdown. Bryant Gumbel, however, is not so lucky. He is somehow blessed with the ability to make you question things that you know you just witnessed.

On the Bears first field goal attempt, Robbie Gould's 48-yard field goal attempt was clearly tipped at the line, causing it to move in unnatural directions and stop at the 10 yard line. Or so it seemed. Gumbel tried to convince us that Gould is just that shitty of a kicker that he can't even get the ball to go 40 yards in a straight line. Luckily for him, modern technology exists and the producer was nice enough to show him a replay. During that replay, Gumbel - completely amazed by what he just discovered - exclaims: "That ball appeared to be tipped, Cris! It seems the Redskins may have got a hand on it!" Meanwhile, Collinsworth (thank God I like him at least) sat there speechless at his partner's lack of vision and common sense.

On the Redskins first field goal attempt (fuck you Suisham, pussy), Shaun Suisham's 47-yard field goal was straight enough, but landed about 3-4 yards short. Already pissed off that he didn't have the leg to kick a football 50 yards, I had to listen to Gumbel tell me that it was good. I don't know what the fuck he was looking at, but he actually made me think it might have made it. Turns out he was wrong again. Dumbass.

On countless other plays, Gumbel would just say the same stupid shit that confused me every time. He actually made me wish Tony Kornheiser did more games. On touchdown plays: "That ball appeared to be caught for a touchdown!" On 1st and 10 plays, after a guy would run for 18 yards: "They seem to be past the first down marker, Cris." Jesus H. Christ, it fucking happened! Nothing "seems" to be happening, it fucking IS! Get some goddamn judgment and tell us what actually happened on the field.

Except on field goals. Wait for a replay and think about it for a while.

So Close

This here blog's namesake had a scary moment the other day when Rex Grossman went down in the Bears-Redskins game...

...he couldn't remember if he had bought a bottle of Jack Daniels in real life or if he had bought it in a dream.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Oh No

This week in the NFL there were many games that were decided on dumb rules.
Ben Utecht fumbled that ball. Colts win.
Winslow was forced out. Buzzsaw wins.
Gaffney didn't have control. Fuckheads win.
Joe Gibbs is an idiot. Bills win.

I propose some changes around the NFL. They might not necessarily help anything, but they'd certainly be better for the NFL.

-Yellow Footballs. Just think about that. Try to wrap your small brains around that idea. It’s remarkable. Yellow Footballs!

- Four point conversions. (Self Explanatory)

- Expansion teams in every area code. Why wouldn’t we have a 280 team league? There is literally no good reason not to.

- Have cheerleaders cheer in the aisles. I'm sure the Jets fans would approve.

- 3D something. I haven’t decided yet, but definitely 3D.

- No New England Patriots. Because they ruin the NFL for everyone who likes a team besides them.

- Mandatory touchdown celebrations. Whichever team does the best one gets three extra points.

- Landmines. Think about it..."He's all alone! No one can catch him! It'll be a touchdo...NO! He's stepped on a land mine! The Chiefs are racing over to recover the ball! What a game!"

- $5 Trough Fist. Every game will have a trough of all the great food they serve ground up into one cornucopia of awesomeness. For five bucks you can reach in and grab as much as you can fit in your fist.

Let's see some more in the comments. Don't be shy.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Impossible is nothing

Reggie Bush took 6(maybe 5) games to score his first touchdown. He kept the faith and just kept trying his best. Eventually a red-zone play was called in his favour and he overcame the staggering obstacle of not getting a touchdown for a short while. Impossible is nothing.

I was watching a really good porno, and my dick didn't get really hard until 46 seconds in. I just kept watching and eventually it got really hard. Impossible is nothing.

It took my dog longer than normal to find the ball that I threw in the snow. My dog just kept looking, never giving up, and eventually found it. The odds were against it, as the ball was covered with snow, but it kept sniffing around, eventually overcoming those difficulties. Impossible is nothing.

I couldn't find the remote for my TV. I looked everywhere. On the table. Under the table. Under the seat cushions. Fuck. It was on the armrest. I overcame everyone doubting me to find that remote. Impossible is nothing.

Donald Trump couldn't buy out a hotel chain, meaning he wouldn't have enough space to add on a solid gold boathouse to his summer mansion. He overcame the hotel's objections and just built another summer mansion a mile down the road and added a solid gold boathouse to that. Impossible is nothing.

Kyle Boller

is BOWLING over the Patriots...Ha!

I still can't decide if I want the Patriots to go undefeated or not. I really, truly hate the 72' Dolphins (Mercury Morris makes me want to stick a spoon in my fucking eye socket), but if the Patriots go undefeated then years from now they might be holding on to the same life-consuming record. At least the Dolphins will die out.

Fucking fucks.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Weekly NFL Rankings

Fuck the monday night game.


The pompous jackasses...

1.New England- Stupid awesome fuckers. They aren't unbeatable, but they're about as damn close as you can come to it. It's obvious their running game sucks, making them throw a lot. The thing is, the Patriots can throw all day long if they want to. We should all just sit back and enjoy the clusterfuck to the Superbowl.

2.Indianapolis- They are very good, and when Marvin Harrison is back and fully healthy, they will be able to challenge New England. After their slight midseason pants crap, they've come back to form and beat the very tough Jags. Manning gives the Colts the ability to win every week no matter who they play.

3.Pittsburgh- They have great defense, a tough offense, and Hines Ward's smiling. Tough to beat indeed. Like the Colts, they have no real glaring weaknesses. A game between them would be much like a battle between a turd sandwich and a giant douche.Very close.

The decent fucks...

4. Jacksonville- Solid. They would beat every other team in the conference except for the top three. It seems like they're really good, but Garrard can only make so many plays with Dennis "Penis" Northcutt and Reggie Williams.

5.A Whale's Vagina- They've rediscovered their offense, mainly LT. I think they'll really pick it up down the stretch. Or they'll collapse. This team can be really good or really bad. They could potentially take down one of the top three teams, but for some unk'NORV'n reason, they haven't lived up to expectations.

6. Cleveland- Their offense is very assiduous. Look that up, retards. Their defense is pretty shitty, but the Browns have the offensive power and ability to get into shootouts with other teams except the top three. They're a luckier version of the Bengals.

7. Tennessee- Their entire team winning apparently lies on a defensive tackle. If they make the playoffs, good fuckin luck.

You're feeling it, nice tits, nice ass, then the pants come off and you feel it. A bulge...

8. Cincinnati- If anything more could go wrong for this team, I don't know what that would be.

9. Denver- Champ is getting burned, the rest of their defense is getting run over, and their offense just ain't pulling through. Jay Cutler needs to be playing better, but at least Stan's dad thinks he'll be good someday.

10. Houston- They'd be better if Matt Schaub could finish just one game without being a fuckhead.

The shit slides down the leg...

11. Buffalo- I'm on to you Trent. You can't keep up this decent charade for much longer. I see your Bledsoe mobility and your spaghetti arm. Your team isn't that good and I don't like you or the rest of your offence. I do like your scrappy defence. And Marshawn Lynch. And Applebees.

12. Baltimore- C'mon Billick, you fired your best friend for THIS kind of offensive genius?

13. Oakland- Al Davis said he won't quit until the Raiders win a Superbowl. That had to have been a joke.

And plops onto the floor...

14. New York- Mangina's team ain't good at all.

15. Kansas City- Bad.

16. Miami- If touchdowns were cum, this team's defence would be a cum dumpster.

Dedicated to: Sean Taylor... and the sly couple in that Viagra commercial. They ditch going to a movie with their friends to presumably have sex. Recap: The couple seem to be all ready to drive to the movie after having met their friends at a restaurant (apparently). Then the SUV doesn't start. "Go ahead, we'll catch up!" the husband remarks. After they get back into the SUV, The audience then finds out the wife rigged the SUV to not start. The husband knowingly says "How did you know which wire to unhook?" The wife just looks smug.

What a pair. Why would they go to all the trouble to go out and get dressed up if they weren't planning on going out at all? Maybe they just didn't want to go to see that particular movie. It must have been Beowulf.

NFC later

Look out Tony Romo!

John Madden: "Does anybody in this league smile as much as Hines Ward?"

You've got company, Homo.

Fuck Joe Gibbs

I'll make a list of his bullshit later...I just need this to be here so I don't suddenly forget that he sucks.