Monday, March 31, 2008

So, Madden 09 on August 12. Time to get way too excited and set myself up for disappointment! This is my favorite tradition of the year.

Apparently there's a 20th anniversary edition that includes NFL Head Coach 09 and a bunch of other bullshit. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Guess how much this costs? 89.99! And that's American, so I'm sure they'll jack it up another five bucks up here. I'm not going to call it highway robbery, because you do get two games. Expressway robbery? Freeway robbery maybe? Either way, I probably won't buy Madden first day, maybe not at all if it doesn't impress me.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

7 Things That Must Happen if The Jays are Going to Win the Wild Card

Unlike other contributors to this blog, I have not given up on the Blue Jays before the season has started. Granted, they are still likely to finish third with a record that is four games above .500, followed by the inevitable firing of Riccardi, followed by three shitty rebuilding years, followed by four mediocre years, followed by the cycle starting again. That being said, the Yankees are not nearly the powerhouse they've been recently and the Red Sox have a lot of question marks in their rotation, especially if Beckett misses significant time. I've decided Toronto will need to win at least 93 games to have a chance at the Wild Card, and I feel like this is possible if most of the following happen.

1. Big breakout years years by Alex Rios and Dusty Lambchops

I'm pretty confident McGowan will throw down a pretty serious year. Only ten pitchers had more strikeouts after the All-Star break last year and his numbers got better every month. He needs to emerge as almost dominant and make 30 some starts.

I don't feel so great about Rios. Obviously the guy is really good, but I'm afraid he's never going to take it to the next level. His numbers have been identical for the last two years which, to me, indicates that he's reached his peak. I heard he came to Spring Training with 20 pounds of muscle so hopefully his power numbers go up. I'd like to see some more plate discipline too.

2. Don't lose nine games in a row in May

This is pretty obvious, but it was pretty much the season last year. If they would've won half these games, they would have been at least within shouting distance of the Wild Card in September.

3. A Good Start by Frank Thomas

This guy can still hit but has been a notoriously slow starter the last couple years. Last year he turned it up right around the time the Jays fell out of contention. They can't afford that, so he needs to be more consistent.

4. A More consistent Halladay

This falls in with the Thomas thing, in that they can't afford to fall behind in the standings if they want to make the playoffs. Roy was as good as can be expected at this point in his career for most of the year, but had a disastrous May and a weak June which, not coincidentally, coincided with his appendectomy and the nine game losing streak. The declining strikeout rate also concerns me, and they should have John McDonald out there whenever he pitches because of this.

5. Another Huge Year from the 'Pen

I can't possibly complain about the performance of the relievers last year, but I'm going to preemptively complain about this years performance. With no Janssen and no Beej for at least the first month, we're going to see a lot of Jason Frasor, Brandon League, and Scott Downs for the first while. This has the potential to work great as long as Gibby does not attempt to make Downs' arm fall off again.

6. Bounce back years from Vern and Overbay

These guys were simply awful last year, partially due to injury, partially due to general shitty play. This can't happen again.

7. Stay Healthy

This is probably a pipe dream, I'll admit, but it's pretty much the only chance we've got. Pretty hard to win with replacement level players and on a team this thin, you're pretty much getting AAA guys. It's probably a bad omen that Janssen is gone for the year, and Rolen and the Beej are out at least until early May and AJ already had problems.

Who the hell am I kidding? This team is going no where fast unless they get extremely lucky. New York isn't that great anymore, but there's enough other good teams in the AL that they will need to be almost flawless to make the playoffs.

7 Reasons Why The Blue Jays Will, Once Again, Lose

  1. Casey Janssen tore his labrum. I had to look up what the hell that was, but even before then it just sounded bad. Anything with "pitcher" and "torn" means bad news; unless you're Josh Beckett, then you replace "torn" with "gaping vagina". Anyway, this breaks my heart for two reasons: Casey Janssen is a solid pitcher with balls of steel who can go in and hold a lead or just eat up innings, and his career could be hurt because of this (although not too likely). They still have Downs, Accardo, and Ryan, but Janssen had a good chance at that 5th spot in the rotation.

  2. Speaking of that 5th starter, reason number two is: Jesse Litsch. Yeah, he tossed a gem in his first career start. Too bad he still isn't good. Not overpowering, doesn't have control, and decent stamina at best. Hooray for forcing Wolverine into the game after three innings! Note: I saw he pitched well today. It was one game...he stills blows.

  3. Our two big acquisitions of the off-season: Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. That twat MBE would disagree with me here, but I'm telling you right now they aren't much of an upgrade from last year. Eckstein is better offensively than past Jays shortstops, but he had that horrendous dickduster and his fantastic .960 fielding percentage will remind me of Royce "Fucking Tool" Clayton. Rolen won't play much, but even when he does he'll be a mediocre hitter at best and a slightly more agile Troy Glaus. Okay, way more agile.

  4. Marco Scutaro. If you take playing time from Aaron Hill like Fucking Tool did to Johnny Mac, I'll shit everywhere. Aaron Hill is a badass, and he proved last year he can play the whole year. Just ride the pine and be happy with it, Scrote.

  5. John Gibbons, please don't fuck with the bullpen. I know you can't blame him for losses, but I'm blaming him for some losses last year. You have a fantastic bullpen this year so don't wear down two guys' arms within the first 2 weeks. And I like the idea of playing the matchups in the 8th/9th with B.J. and Accardo (MBE style). They've both proven they can close games, so just put either one in when the matchup suits them instead of forcing B.J. to play the 9th every game.

  6. Rod Barajas. What the fuck J.P.?

  7. Seriously, he blows.

But in all honesty, I like the looks of their pitching this year - don't screw it up, Gibbons - with (almost) everyone seeming to be healthy, but their bats/defense won't cut it. Then again, Vern can't possibly have another season like last year, can he?

Go Jays!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

F--cking Seth Rogen

this video isn't good. i just don't really have anything else to post.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

It's Moshzilla!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Your NCAA Headquarters Are HERE

For everything you needed to know about March Madness, this should be your only source of information.

On day one, even though it's not over yet, there was only one real headline.

Oral Roberts sucked major dick.

Seriously, they blew. Hard. I've never seen a team so unable to wrap their lips around the concept of defence. DeJuan Blair was huge in the middle, and Oral Roberts just could not penetrate them down low. At one point, they were 5-9 from beyond the 3-point line and 1-16 from everywhere else. That's so pathetic.

Pittsburgh was too big for Oral Roberts. No matter what Oral Roberts did, Pittsburgh's hugeness just made anything Oral Roberts did seem insignificant and useless. It must have frustrating for Pittsburgh just to have to put up with it. Oral tried running up and down the outside, that didn't work. They tried sticking it inside, that didn't work. Oral just couldn't get their stroke down against a big Pitt team.

On top of that, Pitt blanketed Oral on defence. It got really rough, actually. Oral Roberts would have needed to lube their entire team up just to get out of the coverage.

At Oral Roberts, they live with constant reminders of the school motto, “Expect a Miracle,” but there were no miracles this day, not against that team. All they got was shock. You could see it smeared all over their faces.

Are Automatic Car Washes Are F--king Retarded?

If it's extremely cold out and you don't have a garage and for some reason you absolutely have to wash your car and don't feel like drying it with towels or something, then an automatic car wash is mildly acceptable.

Other than that, there is only one possible good reason to go to an automatic car wash.

You have to be a lazy asshole who has no concept of cost-effectiveness. I consistently see cars lined up to get into these places on beautiful days and can't understand why in the world you'd go there.

Here are pros and cons of an automated car wash.

-You don't have to go through the effort of getting out of your car and washing your car yourself. Interestingly enough, you probably also fervently wish there were escalators in your house.

-There's a dryer at the end that sort of dries off your car. Meaning you're under the delusion that a car is much like a regular person, who enjoys being being dried off right after they're done a shower.

-It costs 7$-9$ minimum? I got beef with that. I spend 2$-3$ on car washes. I go to that new hand carwash. I spend 1$ on that soap spray, give the car a quick spray all around for 30 seconds, then switch to the foam brush. I let the foam flow out onto the car for the rest of my minute. Then, I just use the brush and scrub it down for however long that takes me. I'll use the second 1$ to just rinse it off. Simple enough, and my car is just as clean as anyone elses. So automated car washes cost around 6$ more for me.

-I can clean my own car way better than that machine. That machine is just happy to go back and forth and the same speed over every section of the car. Well say there's some spots dirtier than others? Maybe you gotta spend a little time cleaning a bit more on those areas. NOOOOO SIRREE! You ain't doing that in one o' your fancy car washes.

-Think of what you could buy instead. All kinds of awesome shit. A BJ from MBE's sister.That's right! 5$ limited time offer!


Conclusion: I'm awesome.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Hey...Shut up.

"That was the TSN turning point!"

This is a phrase that when used correctly, provides a dose of humor and an interesting reference to pop culture. It works like a charm in certain situations. However, when used the wrong way, it makes you look like a complete fucking tool and a giant dickhole. But it's the absolute worst when it's accepted by the entire group and the stupid comment goes unnoticed.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Happy Birthday Trent! Have Your Locker Empty By Tomorrow, Please

After a season full of incompletions, interceptions, and fumbles, Trent Dilfer (pictured, left) has had his contract terminated by the San Fransisco 49ers. Dilfer started six games last year (with one (losing) relief appearance) - losing all but one - before getting knocked the fuck out and later outshined by a subpar rookie. It's expected that this will be the end of his career, as getting cut by the 49ers is pretty much a career breaker. And even if it isn't, it would probably force you to reconsider your profession.

I just don't understand this decision from the Niners. This is Trent Fucking Dilfer we're talking about here. The guy won a Superbowl! Sure, he may have thrown more TDs than INTs only once last year, but look at what he's done in the past. In 2000, he quarterbacked the Ravens to a wild card berth and a Superbowl, despite being seen trying to lose every week.

Actually, that's pretty much all he's done. He's so shitty he couldn't even blow a game properly. Happy birthday Trent, and good luck in free agency.


Greg Oden participated in his first practice with the Blazers since undergoing microfracture surgery on his right knee. Unfortuneately for the Blazers, Oden has missed his entire rookie season and has been unable to help the team make a serious run for the playoffs. Unfortuneately for Greg Oden, he still looks like a grizzled Vietnam War veteran.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Butch Harmon Will Not Put Up With Your Bullshit

In an effort to find some kind of sports news that was both awesome and not already on a blog everybody reads, I found a nice piece about John Daly on Yahoo!. Apparently, people are starting to get sick of his so-called "shenanigans".

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing
in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most
important thing in his life is getting drunk.”
That would be Butch Harmon, Daly's swing coach, explaining why he will no longer be offering Daly his services. I guess Daly spent 2-hour rain delay at a tournament - which he got into on a sponsor's exemption because his fat ass lost his PGA Tour card - drinking in a Hooters, then brought Jon Gruden out to caddy for him when play resumed. Needless to say, he missed the cut.

Colour me impressed. Not only did he give a big fuck you to the PODS Championship people by bringing out an NFL coach to caddy for him, but he shot a 77 after drinking for two and a half hours straight. And because this is John Daly, we can probably assume that those two and a half hours were not spent drinking one or two beers. They were more likely spent doing jag bombs, drinking absinthe, and beating women.

As for Butch, he watches a guy shoot a 77 (probably) blind drunk, then ditches him? Most people couldn't shoot 110 on those courses sober, let alone pissed. If he was as good a coach as he thinks he is, he would have Daly practicing drunk to better prepare him for tournament play.

Hilarious Update: According to Yahoo! (again), Daly was kicked out of the Arnold Palmer Invitational this weekend because he missed his tee time for the wednesday Pro-Am. He claims he was told the wrong tee time, but we all know he was just too shitfaced to wake up. Anyway, he also got Nick O'Hern and Ryuji Imada booted from the tourney because they were next up after Daly and weren't there early enough, I guess. Good old John, trying to ruin as many people's lives as he can before the inevitable heart failure.

Mock Draft Ver. 1.0

The NFL Draft is fast approaching, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to opine on who I feel each team should take. I don't know a tonne about the prospects, so a lot of this will be based on team need. But, and be honest here, who would you rather have building your team, me or Bill Parcells? That's what I thought.

1. Miami Dolphins - Matt Ryan, QB

Even though it seems like McFadden is the best prospect and athlete in this class, I feel like when you have the first overall pick, you should take a quarterback because you cannot succeed in the NFL without good quarterback play. Plus, Ronnie Brown is very good, providing he comes back from his injury, and running backs are a dime a dozen, unlike quarterbacks. If Parcells doesn't like Ryan or any other QB's in the draft he should trade down for a package of picks and whatnot. John Beck will not win you a Super Bowl.

2. St. Louis Rams - Chris Long, DE

While Long does not appear to bring any one terrific skill to the table, he will be a reliable end for many years.

3. Atlanta Falcons - Glenn Dorsey, DT

The Falcons need a quarterback badly, but with Ryan gone and Michael Turner making McFadden unnecessary, the Falcons should take this opportunity to take a potentially dominant defensive lineman. Combined with last year's first rounder Jamaal Anderson and John Abraham, the Falcons have the makings of a pretty decent defensive line.

4. Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden, RB

Because Justin Fargas is not as good as his numbers were last year.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Jake Long, OT

Because Damion McIntosh is not that good period.

6. New York Jets - Keith Rivers, OLB

The Jets already acquired a nosetackle for their 3-4 D, so I doubt they are taking Sedrick Ellis here and Vernon Gholston is not good enough against the run to play end in the 3-4. This leaves Rivers, a pretty good looking OLB.

7. New England Patriots - Leodis McKelvin, CB

They need help in the secondary and corner makes as much sense as any other position.

8. Baltimore Ravens - Brian Brohm, QB

Because he is much better than anyone else on their quarterback depth chart, and all the stuff from the Dolphins applies.

9. Cincinnati Bengals - Vernon Gholston, DE

This guy has "Bigger version of Dwight Freeney" written all over him. 6-3, 266, 4.58 in the 40, 42 inch vert, enough said. In fact, I'm sure he'll go sooner than this given how much scouts love guys like this.

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins, CB

Thankfully for them, they have already replaced Jason David with Randall Gay. However, David is still slated to be the nickelback. This clearly needs to be addressed.

11. Buffalo Bills - Malcom Kelly, WR

The Bills defense seems to be coming together good enough, and at least Kelly would give them a receiver taller than 5 foot 7.

12. Denver Broncos - Chris Williams, OT

The nucleus of Denver's dominant O-lines of the past decade seems to have eroded.

13. Carolina Panthers - Kentwan Balmer, DT

The loss of Kris Jenkins frees up a spot on the inside of the defensive line.

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall, RB

Because it's never too early to give up on Cedric Benson. Plus, Mendenhall can catch much better than McFadden, or so I've heard.

15. Detroit Lions - Chris Clady, OT

Despite gaping holes in the secondary, this team needs to keep Kitna on his feet. I realize it's ninety percent his fault, but you still have to try.


In other news:

Fernando Torres : Still awesome

Gustavo Chacin : Still awful

Pat Simmons : Really lucky

Kevin Martin and co. : Terrifyingly good

Shaun Alexander : Finally done?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

A Completely Infeasible and Far Fetched Plan to Save the NHL

There has been much discussion around these parts lately about the popularity of hockey now and in the future. I firmly believe the NHL is sliding slowly into irrelevance and you could make the argument that it is already irrelevant. Let's face it, when 80% of the franchises are located in a country that doesn't give a shit about the sport, there is a problem. That being said, there is hope....

Step 1: Retract some gosh darned teams

Why was hockey so badass in the fifties and sixties? A few reasons. A shallow player pool, resulting in amazing talent spread across every team; passionate rivalries because teams played early and often; and teams that didn't change players every week, giving more casual fans a better opportunity to learn the players, resulting in knowledgeable, passionate fan bases.

None of this exists now.

Solution: get rid of at least ten teams, preferably in places that are not selling tickets. I'm far too lazy to research who actually sells tickets, but I'm going to suggest who to contract.

Florida, Nashville, Atlanta, Carolina, Phoenix, Tampa Bay, Washington, San Jose, Columbus, and I would recommend consolidating L.A. and Anaheim into one team. Anaheim is in L.A. at this point.

I would love if more teams could be moved to Canada, but there does not seem to be places to put teams. Winnipeg and Quebec City are the only places big enough, but we know how that turned out.

Step 2: Slash costs.....Slash ticket prices

I realize costs are way down from before the lockout, but they are quickly escalating again. The NHL likes to pretend it can contend with the big boys as far as salaries, and as an extension of that, ticket prices. The reality is that they cannot. This league has nowhere near the revenue the other 'Big 3' has.

The NHL has an average salary of 1.75 million. The NFL has an average salary of 1.1 million. I realize NFL teams require twice as many players, but you must admit, this is retarded. Each NFL team makes 84 million dollars a year in TV money. The average NHL team takes in 81 million dollars a year total. This does not equate at all, especially when you consider how much more the NFL makes in terms of merchandising and other such things.

The way to bring people back to the rink is to reduce prices. The average family pretty much can't go to a game at this point. The only way to make this possible is to reduce costs, and this means reducing player salaries.

Step 3: Rule changes?

I'm not necessarily in favour of any or all of these changes. Is it worth saving the game if you're just going to bastardize it into something unrecognizable? Nevertheless, consider the following:

Remove fighting : The effect this would have is arguable. Some love fighting, some hate it. My guess is this would be a wash. You'd lose as many as you gain. In fact, forget I even brought this up.

Enforce the obstruction rules : This also doesn't work in my opinion. It just results in more powerplays, which are just guys passing the puck around, and are not overly exciting. This section is not working out the way I planned it. Maybe this game is not salvageable.

Bigger nets : The problem with hockey in most peoples eyes is flow of the game. Making the net bigger only results in more goals, not more flow. The game becomes no more exciting. Bigger nets are also useless. This is why I never write anything on here.

Olympic Ice : This is the moneymaker. The argument here is that the rinks cannot accommodate the changes. I call bullshit. Just add a few more feet of the pipes under the ice. The only issue I can see here is that you lose a little bit of seating capacity, but in most markets these seats are empty anyway, which looks retarded on TV. As an added bonus, you get more expensive front row seats because the circumference of the ice is larger! It's a win-win. This should also clear up some space on the ice for some sweet stuff to happen. The best hockey I ever remember seeing is the 2002 Olympics. This may have had more to do with who won and such but whatever.

Four on Four : I think this is dumb. It's all I'm going to say.


This is much longer than intended and I didn't say half the shit I wanted too. But it's a start. To me, the biggest problem is the economics of the league. Like I said, they want to compete with Baseball, Football, and most of all Basketball. The reality is that they cannot right now. Someday they might get back to the hey day of the early nineties, but that will not happen soon, and not without some big time changes to the league. Status Quo is simply not good enough.

The Popularity of Hockey

Where is hockey headed?
Will it popular in 10 years?
Will it be popular in 100 years?

Let's delve into the world of hockey.

In the 90s, hockey had reached its peak popularity. It was a major part of pop-culture in the U.S. Hockey was a part of TV and movies. The Mighty Ducks were all about hockey, and movies like Happy Gilmore and Wayne's World referenced to the sport quite a bit. Even the most popular show on TV, Seinfeld, talked about hockey(C'mon man, support the team. THE DEVILLLLLLS!!!!) for awhile. Hockey jerseys were worn regularly in movies (Christmas Vacation, Pushing Tin). Where is that kind of stuff now?

You don't see any of that today. Hockey is just not a part of pop-culture anymore.


The lost season a couple years ago has affected hockey badly. When people lost hockey, they simply moved on to other sports. Canadians didn't move on, but Americans did. Hockey was alright, but losing it was no big deal. And it's tough to win back fans when games are broadcast on the Outdoor Life Network.


Northern European countries and Russia are the only other places that care about hockey. Mainly because, like Canada, it's so freakin cold for a lot of the year. And when it's winter for a lot of the year, hockey is by far the best and most fun thing to do outside. Hockey does fairly well in these countries, but soccer still rules. Hockey won't die out, but it will never grow as popular as soccer. Soccer only continues to grow in this increasingly global world as a world-wide sport. Eventually it will be popular in North America and should eventually become the second most popular sport next to football in the US. People can only have so many sports to follow, and hockey is barely getting by as it is. Soccer might squeeze hockey out of the minds of Americans (keep in mind this is a long time from now). Canadians are very apt to do whatever Americans do and they follow American media closely, so when hockey is out of the public eye of Americans, hockey will eventually fall away from Canadians.


Just found this out. It may interest you to know that Nike is selling their hockey division to a group of investors headed by, you guessed it, a Canadian. Nike acquired Bauer in 1994 for 395$ million. Hockey was surging, with the league adding 4 expansion teams, relocating Minnesota's franchise to Dallas, and major networks airing hockey games. Originally trying to stand alone as a brand, they failed and had to fall back on the Bauer brand. Nike-Bauer sold well, but not well enough. Nike is now selling their hockey division for 200$ million...half of what they paid for it. Their products will be phased out in 2 years.


Registered hockey players in both Canada and the U.S. have declined for the second straight year. Not that big of a deal.

So you might be saying to yourself "Golly gee, looks like hockey ain't what it used to be." Consider THIS.

Here's a slightly racist theory. Most kids aspire to be great athletes in the sport of their choosing. With almost all the top athletes in sports like Football and Basketball being black, hockey is 99.9% white people. Parents might steer their kids towards a sport they know they can excel in, like hockey. If white people don't even get a look because of their skin color in other sports, hockey would at least accept them.


As long as winter is around, hockey will be around. Winter's not going away, so hockey is here to stay. I don't know how this global warming will turn out, but if it means longer winters, then hockey will only grow.


Hockey will weave its way back into the minds of Americans soon. The layoff was a setback, but hockey can recover. With physical sports like MMA growing more and more popular, hockey and its fighting will increase in popularity. Americans demand a physical game, and hockey delivers. With demand only growing for very physical sports, sports like cricket and soccer are unlikely to make their way into the market and establish themselves the way sports like football already have.


I think I've touched on most things. Any others are welcome in the comments.
As for me, it's tough to say. I think hockey's popularity is declining, but hockey will never fade away. As long as batshit crazy countries like Canada are around to support it, I don't expect hockey to go anywhere. Its world popularity will decline if all European Countries have to follow is their own country's shitty leagues where the best players leave to play in North America. They rarely have an occasion to get excited about the sport, and when they do, Canada stomps in and shits all over them.

So what's in store for sports in the future? Who cares, we'll be dead.

So enjoy yourself.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Your Soccer Rundown

To catch you up to date with soccer happenings, here's a lil rundown of world events.

First, you got the Champions League. They're in the Round of 16 right now, with 4 teams of the Round of 8 decided today. Here they are.

Arsenal vs. AC Milan

Arsenal advanced to the round of 8 after defeating Milan 2-0 in the second leg. The game was poised to go into overtime until the 84th minute, when Fabregas sent a bouncer into the corner of the net from the top of the 18 yard box. Their second goal was just a result of Milan trying desperately to score a goal at the other end.

I guess Arsenal deserved to go through, but it's tough to say one deserved it more than the other when they're equally matched through 2 games until one team scores a lucky one right near the end. I had no qualms about this game's result, so I ended up cheering for Arsenal because AC Milan's jerseys are stupid and ugly.

Barcelona vs. Celtic

This game pretty much had a pre-determined outcome after Barcelona beat Celtic 3-2 in Glasgow, meaning Celtic would have to win by 2 in the second leg in Barcelona. Considering how good Barcelona is, a win just wasn't gonna happen. Barcelona won 1-0. I like Barcelona, but I like Celtic more. Celtic just doesn't have the star power to compete with a pwnasaurus like Barca.

-Editor's note here: I remain convinced that soccer is far and away the worst sport to take pictures of. You cannot take a picture of a free kick, a header, a tackle, or a shot without everyone in the picture looking like a retard. No other sport comes close.

Sevilla vs. Fenerbahce

This would have been a good game to watch. It even went to penalties because the aggregate score was 5-5 between the two games. Fenerbahce won, but they won't make it much farther. Losers.

Man U vs. Lyon

Another good game, but as expected, Manchester United advanced. Lyon hung in there, but Man U is just too good. Man U won 1-0 and advanced 2-0 on aggregate.


Now on to the World Rankings.

Canada is ranked 58th in the world. Considering it's been ranked in the 100s in recent years, I guess we'll take what we can get. Still, fuck that. 58th? That's bullshit. Guess who's 59th?

Bosnia-Herzegovina. Fucking BOSNIA. Remember them? Slobodan Milosevic, the butcher of the Balkans? Massive Civil War? Thousands of land mines? Ring a bell? It should. Bosnia-Herzegovina now has just over 3 million people. Canada has 30 million people.

Cripes! All the Bosnian team (if they can even find a team) has to play against is a team of landmines. And landmines don't lose!

Teams ahead of Canada include Wales, Lithuania, Mali, Slovakia, Moldova, etc. Fucking Moldova.

Whatever Slovakia, Canada can still beat you at hockey. So shove your soccer ranking up your ass!
-Editor's note: No one gives a shit about hockey except Canadians

The US is down to 26th, which isn't bad, but they were ranked in the top 15 for quite awhile so thats kind of a downer.

If you're looking for a laugh, check out garfield without garfield. It's hilarious!

Monday, March 3, 2008

NFL Offseason Report: Bucs Inch One Step Closer To Creating The Perfect QB

The Buccaneers now have the oddest collection of quarterbacks this world has ever known. It's like they're hoping all the quarterbacks will engage in a big orgy and produce the singular greatest quarterback of all time.

One with Chris Simms' boyish good looks, Jeff Garcia's ability to bag incredibly hot girls despite looking like a chihuahua-horse with skin cancer , Bruce Gradkowski's skin tone, Luke McCown's ability to...pick his nose, Jake Plummer's ability to make laser precision throws while avoiding tackles with his incredibly quick feet, and now... the last piece of the puzzle...the go get 'em attitude and mental fortitude of...Dennis Quaid! Congratulations Bucs on your new acquisition!