Sunday, September 23, 2007

When did "What's up?" become a greeting

It's a fucking question...not a greeting

People walk by me at school and work and say "what's up" all the time. They're asking me what is up. Saying "what's up" isn't a greeting. Questions aren't greetings.

I'm walking down the hallway, some turd who I know walks by me and says "what's up." My mind goes into processing mode. Is he trying to initiate a conversation in the middle of this crowded hallway? Doesn't he see it's impossible to just stop and begin a conversation? Dear God, what is this cunt trying to pull? He's obviously just asked me a question, and I'll look like a jerk if I don't respond to his question.

But like what the fuck do they think is up?

I'm at school. Can you guess what I'm doing? IM GOING TO FUCKING SCHOOL. Weird, hey? Why would someone be at school and be doing anything other than going to school? Even if they were there for fun, it's still not interesting enough to have a conversation with someone about.
Maybe I'm at work. Guess what I'm doing now? WORKING.

On most occasions when people say "what's up" I just keep walking and yell "NOTHING MAN HOW ABOUT YOU." In the back of my head I just want to turn around and go punch them in the back of the head.

Sometimes people yell back "NOTHING." Sometimes they don't hear because they've already moved on to asking other people "what's up."

On msn, you say "what's up" and it's perfectly alright. You've begun a conversation. You're seeing if the person is actually there, too. Maybe they're going to work soon, maybe they have sports in a bit, maybe they're about to eat supper. So you ask "what's up."

"What's up" is not a greeting, and someone gives me the ol' "what's up" at least once a day.

Well I'll tell you what's up. My middle finger to those who use "what's up" as a greeting.

Things I Love

Taking huge dumps.

Honestly, is there anything better?

I just took a huge crap and now I'm sitting here just marvelling at how good it felt and how good I feel right now.

Here's how it usually goes. You get that feeling down in your've had a big supper, you know eventually you need to poop....and then it hits you. It's time. You don't need to rush to the bathroom, you've got time. Get up. Walk don't need to run and jostle everything about. You get to the bathroom, make sure no jackass has pissed on the seat, and calmly make your nest (I prefer two 3-pieces on either side). Maybe grab a comic book if you're so inclined. So now you take a seat and concentrate on the task at hand. You take a breath and clench your cheeks. Give it a good push and feel it start to make its way out. You can feel it sliding out slowly, so you take another breath and give it a solid push, making sure not to cut it off. With a sploosh, you know you've just let a giant dookie hit the water. Wipe once to see what the verdict is. A little bit of turd is on there, but that's expected. The second wipe is much better. Nothing.

Congratulations, You've just made the perfect ass goblin.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Dinner at the Joneses

As the regular season rolls around, players in the NFL get ready for a long and arduous season. A season where the focus is on football and there is rarely time to sit back with your family and relax. With two of their sons playing in the NFL, the Joneses had a rare opportunity to sit down and actually eat supper together before the season begins.


Thomas: Pass the turkey, Julius.

(Julius tosses a piece at Thomas.)

Thomas: (piece drops right through his hands) Goddammit Julius... no wonder they don't try the halfback pass with you.

(Asante Samuel picks up the piece and runs with it to the other side of the house, crouching in a corner and nibbling on the piece.)

Julius: What?! That was perfect! Here's another. (Julius tosses another piece.)

(Thomas drops it again.)

Thomas: Ma! There's sure a crapload of grub here.

(sidling up)Leon: Wanna split it?

Thomas: Hell NAH! I'm eating all I can before I come across some misfortune!

Julius: Yeah there really is a lot of food here.

Thomas: I'll get us some root beer to wash these eats down.

(Thomas inadvertently slips on the piece of turkey he dropped earlier. His ACL tears in 3 places.)

Julius: Ohhhh! I'm so full! (Marion Barber enters the room and promptly gobbles up the rest of Julius' food.)