Friday, June 29, 2007

Here lies an admittedly rudimentary list of what I think are the best 8 lines in the history of Seinfeld. Why 8? Because I could go for days but this has to end somewhere. Now, these are pulled completely off the top of my head with no research or even effort to remember. Hell, the quotes might not even be right. So if you don't agree, you can fuck right off.

8. "Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
"You're not a little anything Newman."

This needs no context. I don't even know what episode it's from.

7. "It's like putting your whole mouth in the bowl."

We all know this little dipshit was right, but the annoying way he confronts George makes him so contemptible it is ridiculous.

6. "The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

The best line from a classic Costanza rant. No one knows what the hell it means but they don't bother asking to find out either.

5. "Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!"

Delivery is everything here. The way Cosmo's voice jumps up during delicious is just

4. "You're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that I just blew your mind?"

This is the perfect Kramer line.

3. "Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're they're best seller."
"Yeah..well...I had sex with your wife!"
"Um George, his wife's in a coma."

George tries about 20 times harder at a good comeback than he does at any other single task during the series, and still fails. It's his life in a nutshell.

2. "And you wanna be my latex salesman...."

The fact the George is lying face down with his pants around his ankles really moved this up the rankings.

1. "I'm out."

So simple, so funny. Every time I see this episode, the line makes me lose control of my bowels.

Randy Mcmichael's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Randy! Hope you throw parties better than you throw your wife.

You want to touch God? Reach out and touch me then assholes! but you CAN'T because I'm untouchable!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Breaking News!

Tom Brady was shot in the head with rifle yesterday, and though he didn't die, he did suffer permanent brain damage. Were he playing for any team other than the Patriots, he would have been released, but, according to a spokesman for the team, the Patriots still plan to play Brady during the regular season. "There's really no change in the gameplan for the Patriots with a retard under center," says Fred Thompkins, a professional analyst. "all we have to do is teach him to somehow launch the football in the air. Once we've figured out his throwing capacity we'll just design our receiver routes to fit his throws. The receivers will obviously catch it every time, so it's not a big deal." says passing coach Geoff Jenkins.

The man who shot Brady was none other than Matt Cassel, the backup quarterback. Apparently he really wanted the starting job, and our correspondent Cuba Sugar caught up with Matt as he was being taken away.

Cuba: Hey! Matt! Are you stupid? Why would you shoot Tom Brady?
Matt: Fuck you I'm Matt the mother fuckin Castle! Built of solid granite! I can do whatev I feel, when I feel!
Cuba: Okay, do you realize that the team would just trade or pick up someone who's actually good if Tom wasn't around?
Matt: You kiddin? I catapult that football down the field like no one's business, slam my drawbridge down any faggot's throat that comes near me, not to mention scoring touchdowns like I throw used whores into the moat! But I do get sacked a lot.
Cuba: Oh really? Well if that's happeni...
Matt: SACKED as in I fuck all the peasants in my fucking castle!

Cassel was then led away to his holding cell, where he will remain until his hearing.
Tom Brady was conscious within hours of his surgery and was expected to resume practice the following day. Owner Robert Kraft said Cassel will be allowed to return the team after he's finished his jailtime. After Matt Cassel was told Brady would still be playing this coming season, he remarked: Great now I'm backing up a shitwad who can't tell the difference between crap and a candy cane.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Seven Awesome Things About The Internet

1. the obvious pick

2. Wikipedia

Looking for the answer to anything? Go to Wikipedia. Anything you're looking for, you'll find it. Teachers say not to use Wikipedia because it's mostly made up. Well that's straight up bullcrap. There's so many checks before you can edit a topic and any facts have to be confirmed by a reliable source and an expert.

Here's a couple entries to get your motor going...


Val Kilmer


3. Google Earth

Because you can see your house.

Google Earth

actually google maps is easier and you don't have to download anything

4. Fantasy Sports

Fantasy sports sites organize everything for you and calculate all your points, letting you stick to watching the sport and enjoying it instead of analyzing it. Plus it's the closest most people will ever be to managing something.

5. The Dramatic Prairie-Dog

The best 5 seconds you'll ever spend.

6. Ebay

A great place to look for bargains and stuff you can only find in certain places. Looking for a game? Got that. What about an antique piece of furniture? Got that. How about a used thong? Got that.


It allows any dumb coked-out asshole to put anything at all they want on the internet for everyone to see. Point in case: this guy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Raise Up Bitch

"...and thats all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be, cocksuckin', pussy-eatin' prankstas. Cuz when the fire dies down what the fuck you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Coming soon...

lengthy posts. in the meantime, enjoy a lolcat i made along with som moar phunee stuf.