Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Masses Are Mentally Retarded

"Meet The Spartans" beat out "Rambo" and "Untraceable" for no. 1 at the box office.


It doesn't matter if you think Stallone is too old, don't like gory movies, not in the mood for action, feel like seeing a funny movie, or whatever. But if you knowingly and willingly choose to see "Meet The Spartans" over any other movie in theatres, you are a goddamn retard.

Is society this fucked up that any dickhead can gather all the pop-culture fads in to one giant bowl, take a proverbial dump in this bowl, and put it in theatres to make millions? The answer is yes.

This travesty pretty much coincides with news in general today. People prefer to know every little detail about a meaningless person than about events that could affect their lives. Example. Headline on Yahoo today: Halle Berry gets new haircut


Thank God! It's a good thing Yahoo is on top of this breaking news! Oh, this just in, Christian Bale just had a poop! And look at Mariah Carey's new dress! AND FUCK MY ASS WITH A GRAPEFRUIT ANGELINA JOLIE IS WALKING HER DOG IN THE PARK! Who cares that the government is imposing new laws and cutting benefits in different programs? That stuff is soooo boring!

The directors and writers of Meet the Spartans(as well as Epic Movie, Date Movie): Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck you Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck all your stupid movies. You two ballsack lickers are just feeding the idiot's hunger for life-engulfing celebrity news.

Jason and Aaron on set, plum full of douchejuice

I can't imagine going their movies and not being totally hammered. I'm guessing I'd become more and more enraged with each passing unfunny joke until I stood and yelled: THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST FUCKING MOVIE IN THE WORLD. Then I'd pick up people in the theatre and throw them into the screen(probably).

Yet Meet the Spartans is the movie of choice for the masses. It raked in 18.7 million in its opening weekend, which, according to my calculations if each ticket was 10$, makes 1.87 million undiagnosed mentally handicapped people.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Fresh Prince Previews the Superbowl

Will: Yo whats the hot pick with all da honeys? Uhuhuhuh Y'NAWIM SAYIN??
See, whatever the honeys like, I like! Y' NAWIM SAYIN??

(enter Carlton)

Carlton: You know WILL, I think the people expect an actual answer. You side-stepped the question and did not actually give an articulated answer. Also, You can't expect to treat women like objects your entire life. You need to grow up, Will. You MUST change.

Will: Carlton, you MUST grow.

(They get in each other's grills)

Carlton: Hey MISTER, I'm sick of your constant insults. Someone needs to teach you a lesson. Grow up. Why don't you act like an adult?

Will: Why don't you look like one?

(enter Uncle Phil)

Phil: Alright you two, settle down. (rings bell)Geoffrey?

(enter Geoffrey)

Geoffrey: You rang?

Phil: It's almost time for lunch Geoffrey. Can you please start making lunch?

(enter Jazzy Jeff as Phil is speaking)

Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Phil: "We" eat here soon, "you" eat here never.

Jazz: (looking Phil up and down) Looks like "you" eat here often.

Carlton: I agree with the big guy, it's time for lunch. Geoffrey, I would simply enjoy a sandwich for lunch today. Can you make me a sandwich?

Geoffrey: Certainly, sir.

Geoffrey:(placing a slice of bread on Carlton's head) There you are.

(enter Hilary)

Hilary: Omigod everyone! I was totally in a bug spray commercial today and there were these super hot guys everywhere! And look, they gave me a fake bug! Like, EW!

Carlton: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH(runs away screaming)

Will: Man, you'd think someone just told him he couldn't wear plaid for the rest of his life. Maybe then he'd get some honeys!! Y'NAWIM SAYIN?

Jazz: Weren't you people s'posed ta be previewing sumpin?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Green Bay Citizens Devastated

Football season is over.

Alright everyone, BACK TO THE PILE.

Sports Headline Writers Everywhere Rejoice

Aw man.

(Packers win coin toss in overtime)

How about..."Nice Try Eli" That's pretty good. It should be something with Favre, assuming they win here. Maybe "Brett's Back." That's pretty good. Let's go with that.

(Favre throws interception)

Dammit...alright, what else we got? The Giants should win here now. Alright, how about "Eli Leads Giants"...that's not really creative. At all.

(Tynes kicks winning field goal)

Well, now it's for sure something about the Giants. Don't want to say anything bad about poor old Brett Favre. Faggot.

Something with Lawrence Tynes after he missed those first two. "Redemption for Lawrence" Nah thats really bad.

Whoa hold on. I got it. Tynes missed two possible game winners. He hit the third one. So? "Third Time's The Charm" Genius hey? What do you think Bob? Isn't it great?

Bob Cobb: You should change "Time's" to "Tynes." "Third Tynes The Charm"

GOOD GOD BOB COBB. That is the headline of the century right there. No one can top that. Ever. Just looking at you is making me love you, Bob. May I enter you?

Bob: You may.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Great Debaters

You know that movie with Denzel?

Why oh why couldn't they have called the "Master Debaters"??

Poll News

According to a recent Yahoo Sports poll, 39% of people think Tim Duncan is an all time great, and 61% of people think he is great but too soft.

Studies also show that 100% of people would shit their pants if they ran into Ben Wallace on the street, and 73% of people think Drew Gooden's beard is actually his own pubic hair. So.

Patriots News Conference Today

News conferences are such bullshit. The players never actually answer the questions because if they actually give a concrete answer the media will blow it out of proportion. All you hear are really vague, long speeches about how the team is coming together blah blah blah blah.

So what if Tom Brady could really express his feelings during a press conference?
(Actual Questions)

Hey Tom, do you think the success of football players depends on hard work or God-given talent?

That's a really dumb question. You obviously need the biological advantages, and it's also obvious you need to work hard at something. A midget could work his ass off and never even make his high-school football team. Some dickwad could have all the best advantages, but if he doesn't work hard then he'll go nowhere. Really, you couldn't answer this yourself? Just because you're in the room doesn't mean you should say something. Jesus.

Is it more fun to score 42 points in a half or win at the last second?

Well beating the shit out of a bad team isn't really that fun. It gets boring, you know? You prepare all week, waste all that time, come out, and the other team is fucking chickens out there. The only real "fun" part is crushing the hopes of thousands of fans. I'd rather win at the last second.

You said you took a nap before the superbowl against the rams, but your team has said they're full of adrenaline, so how are you this week?

I took a nap because I was tired. Who gives a shit? Next question.

Does pressure affect you good or bad?

See these rings? Let's try and figure out if I'm good under pressure. Let's seeeee. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...I'm not sure...anyone want to guess?

How has life changed as you get older?

Oh good question. I get to have sex with hotter women for sure. That's the main thing. I thinks that's really all that matters for me. I mean, in 3 years I'll be humping some perfect sex robot.

Now a question for you, Bill, how have you kept the players egos in check?


Sunday, January 13, 2008

Roger Goodell reacts to the Sunday's upsets

(Preparing for Superbowl with staff Sunday night)

Alright guys...and girl! Heh Heh Can't forget about you Amber! Anyway... Thanks for coming.

Hope everyone had a good time during our staff vacation in Thailand.

I know I did.

Two words.

Tsunami. Orphans.


Well...It's been a fairly slow week. The plans to maximize profits during these playoffs have gone as planned. I can't foresee any problems we could run into this weekend, where the Colts should easily handle the Chargers and the Cowboys will beat the Giants. I mean, everyone knows Rivers is a fucking whiny bitch anyway, so nothing will change if we tell the refs to call the game in the Colts favour. Not that we'd even have to do that, considering how shitty the Chargers are. Obviously the Cowboys will win. The Giants suck so bad.

Are you kidding?
Jeff, they have ELI MANNING.

Ooooo a great pass rush? Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. A great pass rush means nothing if your entire secondary have their arms up to their elbows in each other's asses for 3/4 of a game. Back on topic.

Alright, so just so everyone's got it straight. Colts and Patriots will be a huge draw. Packers and Cowboys will be a huge draw. This year we're gonna have to take the profit hit in the Superbowl. The Patriots will walk all over the Cowboys, and there's nothing we can do about that. The conference championships will more than make up for it though.

God, can you guys imagine the shit that would fly if those teams lose today? Hahahahaha a Packers-Giants conference final? If you'd said that to me at the beginning of this season I would have burned you at the stake immediately. Like seriously, just fucking shoot me if that ever happens. And the Chargers? Fuck right off. That would be fucking terrible for everyone, ever, if those teams win. A fucking travashamockery.

Intercom: Mr. Goodell, sorry to disturb you but I think you should turn on the TV and check out the highlights of the games.


Why? What could be so fuck.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


go see it

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Tom Brady's perfect season MY ASS

Oooooooooooo congratu-fucking-lations TOM.

Touchdown records, undefeated season, hottest girlfriend, the list goes on and on.

You may get MVP, but I'll be damned if you win a UNANIMOUS MVP. You may be the Golden Boy of America, but I'm gonna be that giant genital wart to your meaty cock. I will be that little nuisance that just eats at you day. That's right. I voted Brett Favre for MVP.

Suck on that you fucking twat.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Do you play team deathmatch? You do? You're a communist.

While playing Call of Duty 4 today I realized something. More on that later.

Team Deathmatch is far and away the most popular multi-player scenario out of the 20 or so that exist. At least 80% of all people playing are playing Team Deathmatch. The teams are divided up equally, or least as equal as the rankings make them out to be.

My gameplay strategy is this: I try to maintain a good kill/death ratio, thereby ensuring I am doing my part to win my team the game. I will not lose the game for my team, you can bet your ass on that. I won't have a ridiculous number of kills, but you'll be fucked sideways by a tractor if I'm on your team and we lose because of me. I like to work with my teammates to win.

This is a smart strategy, and I am no doubt not the only one who uses it.

HOWEVER, there are those who have the sole goal of getting points(in real-world= money). Some people do things solely to benefit themselves, not caring if the team wins or not. Get 24 kills and 32 deaths? Who cares, you're at the top of the leaderboard on your team. When you lose, make sure you declare how everyone below you sucks and how they cost you the game.

If you have two teams and one has only a couple guys who do really good, with the other team having everyone doing their part and doing decent, the second will win hands down. Why? Communism.

So what I've realized is that communism works. The team with everyone working together and each doing their part will win every time.

Of course, using you could sit in a corner and shoot everyone that came around the corner, but that's just gay.