Friday, March 5, 2010

What is Wrong with the World?


This is the most important issue IN THE WORLD according to Yahoo.

I see this sort of garbage on the homepage all the time, but every once in awhile I like to remind everyone that our society, as a whole, is mentally retarded.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I was totally going to change my Facebook profile picture to my best impression of the Manning Face. That would have been hilarious to about 3 people, including me, and retarded to the rest. But that wasn't what swayed my decision. Ultimately, it was laziness. But man, I would sit there all day and laugh at my own profile.

Someone else do it.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Props, etc.

What this here blog needs is a Super Bowl props post. 86% of all websites will do one of these (or has already), so we might as well strike while the iron is hot. Or something. Let's win some money!

Biggest Lead by either Team: O/U 15.5 points

This just seems insane to me. How the hell is one of these teams going to get a three score lead? No defense is stopping anyone that many times in a row. This will require a pick-six or something equally fluky. UNDER.

Who will the MVP thank first?:
God (2.4)
Family (9)
Teammates (2)
Coach (13)
Does not thank anyone (3.5)

I wish I could go off the board here. If New Orleans wins, whoever wins the MVP will thank their fans/people of New Orleans. I bet I could get some solid odds on that. Neither of the quarterbacks seem like men of God, and Brees hates his dead mom, so family's out. Fuck it, I'm going with DOES NOT THANK ANYONE.

Longest touchdown: O/U 51.5 yards

This is fucking retarded. 51.5? That's completely unreasonable. When was the last time there was a play that long in the Super Bowl? Oh, last year, right. And two years before that. And the year before that. Shit. Still, I like my odds here. 50+ yards TD's are hard to come by, especially against the Colts Cover-2. UNDER.

Will either team score three unanswered times?:
Yes (1.6)
N0 (2.3)

Am I being naive here? Why does 'No' have way longer odds? The only way this is happening is if there's a score near the end of the first half followed by the same team receiving the second half kick and scoring. NO.

Manning (1.57)
Brees (3.15)
Bush (9)
Wayne (11)
Garçon (11)
Collie (21)
Thomas (11)
Clark (13)
Hartley (76)

The smart bet is obviously the QB for whoever you think will win. But that's little to no fun. I'm going with Garçon. Jabari Greer is really good, and the Saints will shut down Reggie a la Jets. Luckily, Tracy Porter kind of sucks and Peyton will pick on him. I also like Collie or Clark at those odds. If you're into the Saints, take a flyer on Pierre Thomas. GARÇON.

Total Score: O/U 56.5 points

Yes, both offenses are great. But Colts games are short. Both teams are going to get roughly 6 possessions. This is a pretty large number. I strongly suggest betting the UNDER.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever

The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.

And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.

The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.

There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.

On to the predictions...

-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.

-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.

- I will be drunk.

- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.

- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.

- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for dating service.

- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.

- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.

- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).

- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.

- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.

- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.

- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Story of How I Came to be Autistic

At work the other day, I finally received from feedback on an issue very near and dear to my heart. That is to say, is "how's it going?" a question or a greeting.

Are you asking how it's going? Or is it a different version of hi? If I respond by telling you how it's going and you didn't actually want to know, then I seem like an idiot. If I don't, then it's like "what the hell is that guy's problem?" WHICH IS IT? Is this frustration warranted?

Crazy pills indeed. A guy at work told me the story of someone (also at work) I see on a regular basis who happens to be autistic, and you'd never know. This guy is a little awkward, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, he's overcome a lot, and he's even married, but the thing that really stuck out was a little mini-story inside the story. One day when the autistic guy started work, he was asked "how's it going?" by the storyteller, and the autistic guy proceed to tell him how it was going. The storyteller used this as an example of his mental issues. He said these exact words: "He didn't realize that "how's it going" is only a greeting, and he just didn't understand expressions like that. So he kept telling me about how his life was going."

It was at this point that my concentration got sucked into a black hole and disappeared forever. There it was! The truth! "How's it going?" is considered a greeting! And more importantly...I'm autistic! It certainly is a relief to finally have some clarification on THAT one as well. Killed two birds with one stone right there. Now I know what you're thinking. "Am I REALLY autistic?" A search on autism clears that up right away.


Compulsive Behaviour, such as strong memorization... and arranging objects in stacks or lines- When I was a kid, I used to know tons of different car names, and I knew them very well. I remember a picture I have where I've lined up toy cars in a huge line to show my brother.

Sameness and Ritualistic Behaviour- Every year I swear I'm going to do better at school, but I end up doing the exact same things all the time. Finally, I know it's because I'm autistic. Totally telling my parents that.

Self-injury- Easy. I had a small scab on my left arm that I kept scratching off, and now it's a lumpy, stupid scar.

Show distress for unusual reasons - How's it going?

Lack of affection- I do not like most people, and I do not have a girlfriend.

Have difficulty in making friends- Well maybe if people weren't so stupid.

Thanks, internet. Now I'm certain that I'm suffering from autism. At least we solved the issue of "How's it going?" I'm not changing my response. Mr. Storyteller can get fucked.