Thursday, January 19, 2012

Stupid People Make Me Do Stupid Things

I went on Facebook last night because I have few real friends, and I saw a little discussion on somebody's wall about SOPA. This discussion wasn't on one of my friends' walls - it was just something a friend had commented on. The first stupid thing I did was read the discussion, because it blinded me with rage and essentially ruined my night.

Without getting into too much detail, the topic started with a simple "What the hell are we going to do without all of our websites?!?", which is a perfectly reasonable concern when it comes to this shit bill. Then some asshole (let's call him Dick Lips) decided to chime in with something stupid like "HA! Silly girl...we're in Canada! This bill doesn't affect us at all!" You know what her response was? "Oh thank god! I was worried it would ruin the internet." Now, I'm perfectly fine with people not understanding SOPA and what it can lead to. It's a complicated and horribly vague bill that even the people voting on it don't fully understand. What I'm not fine with is people spreading misinformation on a topic that so few people understand, leading to people just taking their word for it. If you haven't bothered to research the bill and actually learn about it, don't act like your smart by just making shit up.

This is where I started to get pathetic. Rather than just letting it go and moving on with my night of butthole fingering, I decided I needed to inform these people how wrong Dick Lips is and that we're all going to die when the internet sucks. However, because I'm not friends with this girl, I couldn't comment on it. Take a wild guess what I did. Nope, more pathetic. Even sadder. That's right - I told the girl I was talking to to comment on it for me. If that isn't the saddest fucking thing you can do on Facebook, I don't know what is. Not only did she agree to it, but she was actually excited! She saw it as a way to impress people with random knowledge, and I saw it as a way to anonymously tell a guy he's stupid. Win-win.

I would guess I spent a total of about 75 minutes relaying information to her, waiting for Dick Lips to respond with more stupid, dropping more knowledge on him, and so on (FWIW, his main argument was that the domains are global, so the US can't shut them down for anyone outside the US. He also said something about the websites being multinational corporations. He might be legally retarded). Worst 75 minutes of my life. It was like arguing with a tree. Eventually, I got so upset that I stooped even lower into loserdom. Yep, I sent a friend request to the girl. For the sole purpose of telling this guy how wrong he was. It wasn't even about helping other people understand SOPA anymore. I just wanted to see this idiot admit defeat. I woke up this morning, saw that she accepted my friend request, and wrote a paragraph explaining why he was wrong. I won. There was no way Dick Lips could refute my research and expertise. Everyone would see how SOPA affects Canadians, and I'm the genius that delivered that to them.

Nope. Nobody responded. Pretty sure nobody gave a shit anymore. All I did was spend way too much time trying to show up some random guy on Facebook. Fuck.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Want This

This guy is my hero.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

News story on Yahoo!

"Domino’s delivery driver comes to the rescue of elderly daily customer

Every day for the past three years, 82-year-old Jean Wilson of Memphis has ordered a large, thin-crust pepperoni pizza and two diet cokes from a local Domino's Pizza. Some are now saying that Wilson's Domino's habit may have saved her life.

Wilson recently had a fall in her house and wound up not being able to power herself up. So after her regular order failed to surface for three days delivery driver Susan Guy--who said she's come home numerous times in the past to find her cancer-stricken mother on the floor after a fall--took it upon herself to drive to Wilson's house to check on her.

"I said, 'she hasn't called in three days?' " Guy told the Today Show. "I have to go."

Guy told the show that when she arrived at Wilson's address, she beat on all the windows and doors of the house, but heard no response, so she called 911. When police paramedics arrived and entered the home, they found Wilson on the floor. She's reportedly doing well, and is expected to return home soon."

Let's not waste time. What the FUCK is this lady doing ordering a large pizza every day for 3 FUCKING YEARS?! That's the kind of behaviour that gets you locked up in a mental institution. Say it costs $20 for the large pizza and two diet cokes. I have no idea. That's over $7000 a year, and over $21,000 for 3 years! Are they serious? EVERY DAY for 3 whole years? That's what the article says. No "almost every day for 3 years." I can't even comprehend how a person can do that. You have to be mentally ill. And besides the actual ordering of the pizza, HOW DOES SHE EAT A LARGE PIZZA AND DRINK 2 DIET COKES WHEN SHE'S 82 FUCKING YEARS OLD? Yeah, no shit she fell and couldn't get up.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Your 2011 Grammy Review

If we're using correct punctuation, it's the Grammies. But we're not. And really, it’s an indication of the type of night the public experiences when watching the Grammys. Looks good, but something is off. The Grammys look really good, but really, are just musicians congratulating themselves for making music. To me, the Grammys are an opportunity to watch elaborate performances and collaborations. I couldn’t give two shits who wins Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Duet or whatever other garbage is out there. As for the actual awards, I remember two things.

1. Best New Artist was won by someone who isn’t Justin Bieber or Drake.

2. Arcade Fire won Album of the Year.

That’s it. And you know what? Both of those awards are completely meaningless. Eddie Vedder said it best when Pearl Jam won Best Hard Rock Performance: "I don't know what this means. I don't think it means anything".

Let’s get on to a list of things people DO remember.

1. Lady Gaga. I can’t remember anything she said or did because I was staring at those plastic shoulders she had. Lady Gaga, YOU SCARY. She must have some deep emotional issues.
2. Everything Justin Bieber did. I hate him, but I respect the quality of his performances. It’s all downhill from here, Justin. Your voice is clearly in the midst of changing, and you’re not a good singer anymore. You won’t ever be nominated for another Grammy other than Best New Artist, so I hope you enjoyed it. Good job. And fuck you.
3. Mumford & Sons are the best. Avett Brothers were also good. I just think folk rock is so darn cool. “Ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more!” (Repeat 50 times)
4. Jason Segel’s dig at Lady Gaga was hilarious.
5. Eminem’s re-introduction of Dr. Dre was really well done. Whoever that female singer is was good too. I really liked the anticipation of Dr. Dre coming out.
6. The John Mayer-Norah Jones-Keith Urban cover of Dolly Parton’s Jolene was awesome. Great guitaring, guys.
7. Marc Antony and Jennifer Lopez are massive turds.
8. What does Will.I.Am do to his hair? There’s a big chunk missing. I don’t understand.
9. Did one single person there wear a normal black suit and tie? Why can’t anyone do that?
10. Lea Michelle saying: “Wimmers.” I had to look up who that was, because Glee is stupid.
11. Mick Jagger is incredibly spry for being so old. Great stuff.
12. Esperanza Spalding’s speech was top notch. That was probably the most concise, heartfelt, and grateful speech I’ve had the pleasure of hearing.
13. Kris Kristofferson! He’s a man’s man.
14. Was Arcade Fire supposed to play that last song? I don’t think so, but that was funny. “We’re gonna play another song cause we like music.” Annnnnd queue the rappers all boiling over with rage.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Gonna start updating this thing again...because the average of 1 person a day who visits this page tells me there's a real demand out there for a shitty writer posting meaningless garbage on a very infrequent basis.

Friday, March 5, 2010

What is Wrong with the World?


This is the most important issue IN THE WORLD according to Yahoo.

I see this sort of garbage on the homepage all the time, but every once in awhile I like to remind everyone that our society, as a whole, is mentally retarded.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I was totally going to change my Facebook profile picture to my best impression of the Manning Face. That would have been hilarious to about 3 people, including me, and retarded to the rest. But that wasn't what swayed my decision. Ultimately, it was laziness. But man, I would sit there all day and laugh at my own profile.

Someone else do it.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Props, etc.

What this here blog needs is a Super Bowl props post. 86% of all websites will do one of these (or has already), so we might as well strike while the iron is hot. Or something. Let's win some money!

Biggest Lead by either Team: O/U 15.5 points

This just seems insane to me. How the hell is one of these teams going to get a three score lead? No defense is stopping anyone that many times in a row. This will require a pick-six or something equally fluky. UNDER.

Who will the MVP thank first?:
God (2.4)
Family (9)
Teammates (2)
Coach (13)
Does not thank anyone (3.5)

I wish I could go off the board here. If New Orleans wins, whoever wins the MVP will thank their fans/people of New Orleans. I bet I could get some solid odds on that. Neither of the quarterbacks seem like men of God, and Brees hates his dead mom, so family's out. Fuck it, I'm going with DOES NOT THANK ANYONE.

Longest touchdown: O/U 51.5 yards

This is fucking retarded. 51.5? That's completely unreasonable. When was the last time there was a play that long in the Super Bowl? Oh, last year, right. And two years before that. And the year before that. Shit. Still, I like my odds here. 50+ yards TD's are hard to come by, especially against the Colts Cover-2. UNDER.

Will either team score three unanswered times?:
Yes (1.6)
N0 (2.3)

Am I being naive here? Why does 'No' have way longer odds? The only way this is happening is if there's a score near the end of the first half followed by the same team receiving the second half kick and scoring. NO.

Manning (1.57)
Brees (3.15)
Bush (9)
Wayne (11)
Garçon (11)
Collie (21)
Thomas (11)
Clark (13)
Hartley (76)

The smart bet is obviously the QB for whoever you think will win. But that's little to no fun. I'm going with Garçon. Jabari Greer is really good, and the Saints will shut down Reggie a la Jets. Luckily, Tracy Porter kind of sucks and Peyton will pick on him. I also like Collie or Clark at those odds. If you're into the Saints, take a flyer on Pierre Thomas. GARÇON.

Total Score: O/U 56.5 points

Yes, both offenses are great. But Colts games are short. Both teams are going to get roughly 6 possessions. This is a pretty large number. I strongly suggest betting the UNDER.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever

The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.

And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.

The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.

There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.

On to the predictions...

-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.

-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.

- I will be drunk.

- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.

- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.

- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for dating service.

- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.

- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.

- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).

- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.

- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.

- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.

- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Story of How I Came to be Autistic

At work the other day, I finally received from feedback on an issue very near and dear to my heart. That is to say, is "how's it going?" a question or a greeting.

Are you asking how it's going? Or is it a different version of hi? If I respond by telling you how it's going and you didn't actually want to know, then I seem like an idiot. If I don't, then it's like "what the hell is that guy's problem?" WHICH IS IT? Is this frustration warranted?

Crazy pills indeed. A guy at work told me the story of someone (also at work) I see on a regular basis who happens to be autistic, and you'd never know. This guy is a little awkward, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, he's overcome a lot, and he's even married, but the thing that really stuck out was a little mini-story inside the story. One day when the autistic guy started work, he was asked "how's it going?" by the storyteller, and the autistic guy proceed to tell him how it was going. The storyteller used this as an example of his mental issues. He said these exact words: "He didn't realize that "how's it going" is only a greeting, and he just didn't understand expressions like that. So he kept telling me about how his life was going."

It was at this point that my concentration got sucked into a black hole and disappeared forever. There it was! The truth! "How's it going?" is considered a greeting! And more importantly...I'm autistic! It certainly is a relief to finally have some clarification on THAT one as well. Killed two birds with one stone right there. Now I know what you're thinking. "Am I REALLY autistic?" A search on autism clears that up right away.


Compulsive Behaviour, such as strong memorization... and arranging objects in stacks or lines- When I was a kid, I used to know tons of different car names, and I knew them very well. I remember a picture I have where I've lined up toy cars in a huge line to show my brother.

Sameness and Ritualistic Behaviour- Every year I swear I'm going to do better at school, but I end up doing the exact same things all the time. Finally, I know it's because I'm autistic. Totally telling my parents that.

Self-injury- Easy. I had a small scab on my left arm that I kept scratching off, and now it's a lumpy, stupid scar.

Show distress for unusual reasons - How's it going?

Lack of affection- I do not like most people, and I do not have a girlfriend.

Have difficulty in making friends- Well maybe if people weren't so stupid.

Thanks, internet. Now I'm certain that I'm suffering from autism. At least we solved the issue of "How's it going?" I'm not changing my response. Mr. Storyteller can get fucked.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

To Pull or Not to Pull?

Just some semi-incoherent, point form thoughts about the Colts decision to pull everyone in today's game:

1. Good theory, horrific execution. I'm all for sitting down Peyton, et al. when playoff seedings have been locked down. One missed blitz pickup and the whole season goes down the shitter. But the timing couldn't have been worse. The way Caldwell (or Polian, or whoever ultimately made the decision) pulled the starters at a seemingly random point midway through the third corner was unbelievable. Why lead everyone to think you're going to go for 15-0 and then just pull the rug out from under them? Why not pull them at halftime or after the third quarter? The timing of the move was infuriatingly bizarre.

2. There was no reason to be so coy with the media. It once again comes back to antagonizing the fan base. If Caldwell or Polian had indicated that this was the plan for the week, I think most rational people would have understood. But when the offensive starters played the first series of the third quarter, it made everyone watching think they were going for the win. The air was completely sucked out of the stadium when Painter ran onto the field. I could taste the disappointment through my TV speakers.

3. There's something to be said about taking the pressure of being undefeated off the team going into the playoffs. But the way it was handled will turn the decision itself into a huge distraction. The media will have a field day with it. Net gain: zero at best.

4. Way to throw Painter to the wolves. The kid might be ruined forever. Not that he was ever going to be good to begin with.

5. This move sets up morons with an easy way to criticize the Colts should they lose in the playoffs. The old story of the Colts losing because they rest players couldn't be more wrong. The 2003 team killed Denver and KC before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. The 2004 team again crushed Denver before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. You can throw the "rust" excuse right out the window considering they won playoff games before losing. The 2005 team lost a pretty crazy Divisional game to the eventual champion Steelers, two weeks after James Dungy killed himself. I think the off the field issues and Mike Vanderjagt missing a 46 yard field goal had more to do with losing a close game than resting starters did. The 2006 team didn't have a chance to rest anyone and won the Super Bowl. Please note that the 2002 Colts couldn't rest and lost immediately. The 2007 team rested starters and lost to the Chargers. This team was really beat up. Freeney didn't play, Mathis was not 100%, and Clark played with a broken hand (the potential game winning pass bounced off a bandaged hand). Marvin Harrison coughed up a killer fumble in the red zone. Most importantly, the defense fell apart in the second half, after a fine first half. Rest was no issue. The 2008 Colts rested and got beat by Mike Scifres and a Gijon Robinson missed block in the fourth quarter. The game was played in San Diego even though they were 8-8 while the Colts went 12-4. Oh, and the Chargers got the 16th draft pick, while the Colts picked 27th. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Anyway, myth debunked.

6. It sucked watching Peyton and Reggie and Dallas just sitting glumly on the bench as they watched a chance at history slip away. They know you don't get a chance to go undefeated every year. It takes a few bounces, a decent schedule, and good health. The looks on their faces said it all about what they wanted the coaches to do. Having said that, people who I've read on message boards saying the players are going to quit on the coaches because of this move is the most retarded thing you could possibly say. Obviously these guys still want the Super Bowl.

7. I've also been in message board conversations where people have asked me: "If they lose in the Divisional round, will you still be ok with the decision?" Of fucking course I will, because if they lose, this will have absolutely nothing to do with what happened today. Keep this shit in perspective. The Colts still have as good a chance as anyone to win the bloody Super Bowl.

8. Whether it was Caldwell or Polian who ultimately decided that starters should be benched today, I must commend him for having mighty big balls. He had to have known that this would be looked upon with a critical eye, and that if the team does not win the Super Bowl, fingers will be pointed directly at him, however unconnected the two events might be. The easier decision would have been leave everyone in. If there are injuries, its just bad luck; if they lose in the playoffs, its the players fault.

9. Summary: resting people, smart. Benching everyone in the middle of the third quarter in a game you're winning while currently 14-0 after not making any real indication you were planning on benching everyone, stupid. I agree with why they did it, but it felt like a big middle finger to the fans. I personally am alright with it, but I don't blame Colts fans for feeling like the got jobbed.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thoughts I Was Thinking About

-The hot new Christmas item this year is apparently Zhu Zhu pets. From my research on them, they're little mechanical hamsters that are programmed to respond to objects you buy them. So let's get this straight. Hamsters are fucking stupid and useless, and nobody actually wants one. They're substitutes for real pets. Zhu Zhu pets are substitutes for hamsters. That makes them doubly useless. I'LL TAKE 4.

-I shouldn't be surprised, considering hot Christmas toys in the past have been things like Furby, Tamagochi and Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck you kids who want to take of robots. All I wanted when I was a kid was Lego. Easily the best Christmas present you could have given me. I should have been an architect. "Look at this cool base I made for my spaceship! This jeep has wings so I can land it on the spaceship too and AWW MAN I NEED A 4 BLOCK TO FINISH MY BASE WALL." Lego rules.

-The Littlest Hobo is hilarious. The 30 minute block of time takes me all the way back to 1996. The commercials are the exact same as they were back then. There's the Bodybreak ads and public service messages every single break. Maybe tomoorrrrrow I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on da da da da dooo!

-I just saw the Nike Soccer ad from last year. I love it. Watch it now.

-What's with the weird alcohol advertising going on lately? There's the ad we know and love, where the guy is running through trees exploding from the ground, but there's others. The Smirnoff commercial where they all play instruments in the sewer, or paint an old gas station black and party inside, or the Bacardi commercial where they make an island in the middle of a lake. Who among us is willing to go to that much work for one night of drinking? Not worth it at all. They must have been drinking too much Bacardi when they came up with that idea. "Guys, guys, guys...let's make an ISLAND, and party on it!!" I lost interest already, dude.

-Finally, something went my way in Yahoo Fantasy Football. I won by 2 once they made the day-after adjustments. I was out of the playoffs before, but now I'm in! Yay! Sorry for sounding like Mike Silver. "I bet the Head Coach of USCB Women's Basketball team, Lindsay Gottlieb will have trouble in HER league. BUT WHAT ABOUT MALIBU? He was 3 points up for the 2 seed. I told her to start Reggie Bush, and she did. I can't believe that UCSB Women’s basketball coach Lindsay Gottlieb did that. I think she'll take the 2 seed. By the way, have I mentioned my daughter's soccer team won yesterday?" I absolutely cannot stand Silver's Gameface.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ode to Roy

I was going to write a long-winded paean to the majestic steed that is Roy Halladay, but I couldn't think of anything that hasn't already been said about the man. I wouldn't even be posting this if I didn't already type in that title. What a peach. Ode to Roy! Ha! Fuck, I'm good.

But seriously, Doc's the greatest. The best athlete I've ever had the pleasure of following, non-Peyton Manning division. The time he one hit the Yankees in September was the most fun I've ever had sitting on my couch alone on a Friday night. I have no doubt that he'll destroy the National League next year.

There's no point in evaluating the trade, since I don't know enough about any of the prospects rumored to be involved. It doesn't even matter who the Jays get back anyway. We're losing Roy Halladay. This trade is going to feel like a solid punch to the gut no matter what.

So in lieu of any analysis, I'll simply say this: Thanks for the memories, Doc. You'll be missed.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Can we not?

I'd just like to alert everyone that, even though winter is only 4 days old, I'm already extremely sick of the "So much for global warming, eh?" joke. All you assholes say it like you think you're the first person to ever come up with such a brilliant witticism. Please shut up. That is all.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Jokes Minus Jokes

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Corporal Smithson.

Corporal Smithson who?

Corporal Smithson, sir, with Marine Corp. It is my duty to inform you that your 2 sons have been killed in Iraq. I regret to inform you that they were forced to have anal sex with each other before being executed and dragged through the streets.


A chimpanzee, a lion, and a man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you 3?"

The man says: "What? 3? What are you talking about?

The bartender says: "You came in with a chimpanzee and a lion."

The man says: "What are you ta...SWEET JESUS A LION!"

This noise startles the lion, who, out of instinct, immediately attacks the man, severing his arm and clamping down on his carotid artery in order to neutralize the threat. Lions are territorial animals and don't respond well to sudden noises or movements. Turns out some teenagers had accidentally let animals escape from the nearby zoo in their attempt at juvenile fun. One teenager was mauled to death, while the other 2 were charged with a variety of crimes. Not to mention they had the death of their good friend on their conscience.


What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The airlines have actually cut out airline snacks entirely, due to the harsh economic times. There do remain a few airlines that provide a very small bag of trail mix, but this is very high in salt and low in nutrition.


Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street, people point and say: "Is that a man or a woman?"


3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

They faced an extremely odd test to get into heaven that was solely based on quick wit, and not their life accomplishments or good deeds. It was an extremely unfair process, and all the families of the dead men were extremely heartbroken at this sudden loss of a family member.

Why did the pedophile get fired from his job at the steel mill?

Because he didn't provide his criminal record to the manager. When they found out, he got fired. A couple unfortunate clicks on the internet, and now he's essentially unemployable.


Did you hear the one about the extremely hairy man with an art history degree?

He has slowly come to realize his career choice hasn't been fulfilling at all, but he's too old to do anything else.