Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever

The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.

And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.

The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.

There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.

On to the predictions...

-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.

-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.

- I will be drunk.

- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.

- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.

- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for dating service.

- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.

- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.

- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).

- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.

- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.

- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.

- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Story of How I Came to be Autistic

At work the other day, I finally received from feedback on an issue very near and dear to my heart. That is to say, is "how's it going?" a question or a greeting.

Are you asking how it's going? Or is it a different version of hi? If I respond by telling you how it's going and you didn't actually want to know, then I seem like an idiot. If I don't, then it's like "what the hell is that guy's problem?" WHICH IS IT? Is this frustration warranted?

Crazy pills indeed. A guy at work told me the story of someone (also at work) I see on a regular basis who happens to be autistic, and you'd never know. This guy is a little awkward, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, he's overcome a lot, and he's even married, but the thing that really stuck out was a little mini-story inside the story. One day when the autistic guy started work, he was asked "how's it going?" by the storyteller, and the autistic guy proceed to tell him how it was going. The storyteller used this as an example of his mental issues. He said these exact words: "He didn't realize that "how's it going" is only a greeting, and he just didn't understand expressions like that. So he kept telling me about how his life was going."

It was at this point that my concentration got sucked into a black hole and disappeared forever. There it was! The truth! "How's it going?" is considered a greeting! And more importantly...I'm autistic! It certainly is a relief to finally have some clarification on THAT one as well. Killed two birds with one stone right there. Now I know what you're thinking. "Am I REALLY autistic?" A search on autism clears that up right away.


Compulsive Behaviour, such as strong memorization... and arranging objects in stacks or lines- When I was a kid, I used to know tons of different car names, and I knew them very well. I remember a picture I have where I've lined up toy cars in a huge line to show my brother.

Sameness and Ritualistic Behaviour- Every year I swear I'm going to do better at school, but I end up doing the exact same things all the time. Finally, I know it's because I'm autistic. Totally telling my parents that.

Self-injury- Easy. I had a small scab on my left arm that I kept scratching off, and now it's a lumpy, stupid scar.

Show distress for unusual reasons - How's it going?

Lack of affection- I do not like most people, and I do not have a girlfriend.

Have difficulty in making friends- Well maybe if people weren't so stupid.

Thanks, internet. Now I'm certain that I'm suffering from autism. At least we solved the issue of "How's it going?" I'm not changing my response. Mr. Storyteller can get fucked.