Riding the Pine

Whatever. It's cool. I don't even want to play, anyway. Pfff...I mean, he's got all the stress of proving himself, and I get to sit here and look cool. And boy, do I look cool. I'm gonna see if any hot chicks want a piece of this after the game. I'll just turn around and quickly scan the crowd and pretend I'm too cool to make eye contact with anyone. Gotta put a little water in my hair first...there. Here goes.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with a very serious look, turns back around)

Sweet.

I think that went well. Tum ta tum...lots of people showed up today. Tum te ta te too... Boringggggggg. Hey, you, defenceman. Rough game out there? Yeah, looks shitty. Good thing I don't have to play...suckers. Ha!

...

Oh! Oh! Did you see that?! Did you see what he did? Like, seriously...you're starting THIS guy? DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID? Fucking hell, I'm way better than that... DUDE! COVER YOUR REBOUNDS! 25 ALWAYS SHOOTS LOW! Holy Christ let me play. I can't fucking take this anymore. STICK SIDE! STICK SIDE!

You know what? Fuck it. This is a lost cause. This team sucks, and if they're stupid enough to start this retard, they deserve to lose. It's a team game, you say? Well fuck you. If I can't be part of the team, then I don't have to care. I look cool sitting here anyway. I'm gonna do that serious look thing to the crowd again. Maybe I'll make eye contact with a hot girl this time.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with serious look, turns back around)

I'm awesome at that. I love wearing all this equipment, too. Makes me look badass. I'm like a robot. NO! Like a mech. Yeah, a mech. Guhhh, that mech game sucked for Xbox. I think Batman would be a sweet game if they actually put the effort in. Like GTA, except you're Batman. How fucking cool would that be?

...

I'm cooler than Batman. Yeah, if Batman was out here on the ice, he'd fucking fall right on his fat ass. Batskates my ass. He couldn't save shit. The Flash would be pretty good at hockey, I think. Maybe the Green Lantern, too. I can't wait for that Justice League movie. The Flash is in that right? Hey, you, defenceman, THE FLASH IS IN THAT NEW JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE RIGHT? Hey, don't fucking ignore me, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME. Whatever...fuck him. Where's the Gatorade?

DAMN YOU Reverse Racism!

This is so dumb.

Watch commercials on tv. Look for a commercial that centers around 2 or 3 people...obviously, this is the vast majority of commercials. Now, the vast majority of THESE commercials are usually trying to be funny, making one of the characters a bumbling idiot or a fool.

This is the interesting part.

In 90% of all commercials like this, the smart and savvy person will be black. The fool? Always white. No matter what. There will never be a black person cast in a role that makes them look foolish. It's also weird that it is always the exact same setup. The fool HAS to be white. The smooth guy HAS to be black. Like not even asian or spanish. Ever. Always black. I have no idea why the smooth guy has to be black. Because black people are stereotyped as being cool? The exact same format will apply to so many commercials in all areas...NFL.com, Campbell's soup, Muchmusic, the new Xbox 360 Wrestling game, etc. I've seen about 3 different ones today. A hearty "fuck you" goes out to you, advertising.

This offends me not as a white person, but as someone who thinks society is just way too wrapped up in trying to not look racist. People so scared of doing anything to offend any minority, that they'll do the exact opposite, essentially coming out and flat-out saying: "Look! See? I've cast a BLACK guy in this role! See? See? HA HA HA! GUESS WHO ISN'T A RACIST!!" It's like the people who go out of their way to show that they voted for Barack Obama, just to prove they aren't racist.

They're wrong. All this proves is that they care way too much about the color of someone's skin. Back to Obama for a sec...if you voted for Obama, you better have fucking voted for him because you like his policies, his ideas, or his youthful vigor. I think he'll be an awesome president. But for any race, if you voted for him solely because he's black, you are mentally retarded. Anyway, back to this advertising bullshit. Seriously, watch for these commercials. They're on all the time. I know there's nothing really anyone can do, because people are idiots and they'll freak out if a minority is degraded in a commercial. So all I ask is that you just recognize that it's there.

And maybe write a stupid blog post about it.

DAMMIT, the toilet paper should be rolling forward!

(enters bathroom)

HOLY CAT-FUCKING JESUS!

WHO replaced the toilet paper, put on a roll with ONE PLY, and then PLACED THE ENTIRE GODDAMN THING COMPLETELY FUCKING BACKWARDS?!?!

I mean, I deal with shit daily. On the field, off the field, but this is the last straw. When Mike Singletary takes his spot on the shitter, that toilet paper better be in THE OPTIMAL POSITION FOR ASS-WIPING! I don't fucking ask for much around here. The least this whole fucked-up organization could do for me is keep the toilets in decently half-ass condition.

(shits)

Christ, these idiots know I can't see the bottom of the toilet paper when it's on backwards, and I fucking told them I like to be conservative with the amount of toilet paper I use.

DAMMIT!

I DIDN'T WANT 4 PIECES! THIS IS TOO MUCH!
Fucking hell...now I have to rip this into 2 separate pieces so I can use them later in my ass-wiping...gotta set them on my lap here...FUCK I HATE YOU WHOEVER DID THIS...ok got to get a 3-piecer this time. Got it....

(sheets fall off lap)

OH. MY. GOD. I HATE THIS ENTIRE FUCKING ORGANIZATION RUN BY A BUNCH OF BUTTFUCKING ASSHOLES I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE! A PISS COVERED FLOOR WITH MY PRECIOUS TP!

(reaches down to the floor to pick up dropped toilet paper, promptly falls over and knocks himself out on the stall door.)

(Vernon Davis enters, shit on his head.)

VD: Now we even, bitch.

Drinking

Why do I drink? Am I drunk right now? The answer to both those questions is a resounding "YES!" I think I drink(that rhymes BITCH)to have fun. BUT IS IT NECESSARY? NO! I can have fun when I don't drink, but really, not even close to as much. That's probably true in many aspects, but I'm tired. HOLY SHIT REMEMBER WHEN RICHARD FELL DOWN THAT HILL???? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA FUCK that was funny. Wow I'm really tired. I usually fall asleep on the couch every single weekend night, but I bet I can make it upstairs and brush my teeth. Yes, I think I'll be able to do that while typing here laying at a really awkward angle. AW Shit work tomorrow I'm gonna go work. FUCK. So in summation, keep it real.

I Like You...But You're Crazy

Funniest part of that movie...watched it over and over today.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard has Career Day, Brings Kyle Along for the Ride

Guess who was 24-of-34 for 334 yards and had a 121.4 rating to go with 2 touchdowns today?

That's right. Kyle mawfuckin Orton. Of course, he played the Lions, but still. He's Kyle Orton. Frankly, I'm stunned he didn't run for 200 yards and throw another 5 touchdowns. He's better than he showed today, so hopefully he picks it up next week.

From the Yahoo Summary: Like many NFL players, Orton loves playing the Lions. “Yeah, I do for some reason,”

What a mystery! What could the reason be?! Somebody get Sherlock Holmes on the phone!

This was Jon Kitna's breaking news on Yahoo: "The Associated Press reports Detroit Lions QB Dan Orlovsky relieved QB Jon Kitna in the third quarter of the team's Week 5 game. He went 13-for-23 for 97 yards and one touchdown in the game. He set career highs in completions, attempts and yards."

Originally I didn't think anything of it, but how stupid is the last part? It's so dumb. I thought maybe he had reached milestones in all those categories or something, but not even close. Of course he reached career highs. Every time he completes a pass or even attempts one he's setting a new career high. Idiots.

Next: Fuck you Bud Light. You have "drinkability?" Let's get this straight. You have a product. You need to have a reason that people will choose your product over other similar products. So you made up an adjective to describe your product, and you base your entire ad campaign around it? Right...that'll work. And what does that even mean? I sure hope you can fucking drink it. It's a "drink" and I am able to "drink" this so-called "drink." That clears a lot up.

Every company should do that! Let's buy footballs from Nike because they're footbally. Choose Nintendo Wii over other game consoles because it has high levels of videogameliness!
OMG EVERYONE LETS GO TO BEST BUY AND GET 360'S!

I Love This Commercial

The Discovery Channel is a great channel. It's the one channel that, at this current time, I can't find any flaws with. They always have original programming and it's usually awesome. They don't advertise dumb stereotypes or show programs that portray false idols. I love the Discovery Channel.

Kid Rock: Making Me Want To Kill Myself All Summer Long

You've no doubt heard Kid Rock's song "All Summer Long." Everyone has...it's the fucking "anthem of the summer!" or so some say. And it's a terrible, terrible song. Summer has come to an end and so has the huge popularity run of this song(although it's still going), but fact is, this baby should have been smothered the second it came out.

It's a big pile-on of three songs. Most noticably, Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London." It also rips off "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyd and Steve Miller Band's "Take the Money and Run."I'll give Kid Rock some credit here, as it's quite a feat to rip off 3 songs without getting sued. Most people are only familiar with the "Sweet Home Alabama" rip-off, but it's quite apparent "Werewolves of London" is his worst offense.



I think there is something severely wrong with music when musicians can blatantly rip off songs, repackage them a little differently, then release them back into the public again and they go to #1. Thing is, it's not really their fault. Once again, it comes back around to stupid people. Most people have already heard all these songs. I've heard all three of those songs before, and I like them in their individual ways. They're pretty good. So I don't really want to hear them again, EVERY 5TH SONG. I liked "Sweet Child o' Mine" when I first heard it, and I still like it, but I sure don't want to hear a slightly different version of it a million times when I'm listening to the radio. Nor should anyone else. So it's the same thing with "All Summer Long," I would think.

Of course, it doesn't happen that way. People ate the song up and it reached #1 on numerous billboard charts.

I don't particularly mind when musicians take inspiration from old songs. Like Johnny Cash's "Hurt"(taken from Nine Inch Nails) or GNR's "Knockin on Heaven's Door"(taken from Bob Dylan). The musicians add their own original flavour to the song. What I hate about this one is that Kid Rock has just added some fake-southern wannabe lyrics to the exact same music. He doesn't have an original flavour to add. He's got nothing. Let's face it, he's not a real talented guy.

Kid Rock, you're a buttfucking piece of shit

Ha

An Innocent Typo...OR IS IT?

"Associated Press- DES MOINES, Iowa - The president of an Iowa college says he's sorry about an unfortunate and offensive typo in a school handbook.

A calendar entry for Feb. 16, 2009, was supposed to read "Black History Lunch and Learn." Instead, it says "Black History Linch and Learn."

The handbook was distributed to about 10,000 students before the mistake was discovered."

That's some funny shit right there, but I find it really hard to believe this is a typo. You know they're typing this stuff in Word, or at least something similar. Of course whatever program they're using is going to have spellcheck. So how is it even possible to miss that? Linch isn't a word, unless you're talking about Linch, a loose collection of hamlets and a civil parish in the Chichester District of West Sussex, England. And that most definitely is not in the Microsoft Word dictionary. It would have clearly shown up as an error.

I doubt anything will happen to the guy who typed it(fire him), and people will probably forget all about it in a couple days, but it's interesting to see these little jolts of blatant racial hatred once in awhile.

Some Things That Are Stupid. Some That Are Awesome.

Wrestling= Stupid.

Maltesers commercials= Stupid.

KIA radio commercials= Stupid. KIA is so nice and gooooduh...funny the first time, sickening the 500th time.

Peeing after holding it in for a long time= Awesome.

Juliette Lewis= Stupid. Incredibly ugly, and lots of people think she's hot. They're stupid too.

Taking a giant crap that comes out smooth and clean= Awesome.

Brandon Marshall= Awesome.

Idiots in classes who feel the need to say something despite the fact they have
absolutely nothing to say= Stupid.

When you do a group thing in class, and there's a mildly hot girl, who is also half-retarded, that wants to lead everyone in the discussion.= Stupid.

The guy who is desperately trying to make sexual relations with the afore-mentioned mildly hot girl by agreeing completely with everything she says and pretending like he's super cool by not caring about the material being discussed= Stupid.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard= Still Awesome.

The Philadelphia Bomb Squad being called in and exploding hot dogs that had been heavily wrapped and left outside the stadium.= Stupid.

Everyone saying "better safe than sorry!" after the hot dogs had been blown up.= Stupid. Hooray for widespread terrorism fears! Get fucked.

Cracked.com photoshop contests= Awesome.

My First Feature Production

I know you'll enjoy this. It's the first film of many I plan on starring in. Here.

Hey! A Post!

BURNING QUESTION: Why does TSN hire woman sportscasters?

When Jennifer Hedger came on board, I felt....well...weird about it. That's really the only way I can describe it. It's like this. I watch most sports, or at least the highlights of most sports. The sports I watch are played by men, watched by men, everything about these sports involves men. They are made for men. The typical feeling on women involving themselves with men's sports is that they just shouldn't be there. Stay out of a man's way when it comes to sports, they say. That stereotype is propagated over and over through various commercials and other advertisements like that.

Sure there's the odd woman who likes football or something. That's great. Some girls like sports, but not many. So when you're broadcasting to a mass audience that consists of 95% men, why have the person who is doing the broadcasting project a massive negative image on the sport? If almost everyone believes women don't know anything about sports, well guess what...a SPORTS program isn't going to be well-received if it's delivered by a fucking WOMAN. It's like if you and all your friends are Nazis all sitting around at home, and a Jew comes to the door trying to sell you tanks at a discount price. He knows full well you are a Nazi, and he goes on explaining all the new features of the the tanks. The tanks really ARE awesome. Well, since you really need the tanks, you'll buy them. But you're thinking: "Damn, that was weird. That Jew is lucky I already know my shit about tanks or I'd be pissed. I'd feel way better if it was another Nazi selling me those tanks."

The broadcaster might know something about sports, but that really doesn't matter. She's the embodiment of anti-sports. You're just sacrificing the quality and reputation of your programming if you put her on the air.

Jennifer Hedger is alright, but she's a woman. I've already got it in my head that she's only there because TSN is trying to diversify their station, so I'm not buying her act. She's a good actor though. The thing that set me off here is this new woman they brought in. She is atrocious...the worst sportscaster I've seen yet. Seriously, what are they trying to do over there?

Brett Favre: Keeping The Madden Curse Alive

All this talk about Brett Favre is making everybody - even those fucking cheeseheads - mental, but we are all forgetting one very important aspect of his comeback: it gives the Madden Curse a chance to continue. When EA gave Favraro the Madden cover, it looked like he would be free from a career-ending injury or yet another shit terrible season. Lucky for us, he has decided to test the Madden Curse this season.

I'm not looking for a season in which Favraro rides the pine for the Packers, either. That might be sufficient to justify the Curse, but I think John Madden needs to step up his game. Really fuck his shit up. Maybe a frothy-mouthed and disoriented Shawne Merriman can snap his neck. While Favre is walking off the field after a crucial interception (This one can only happen if the Panthers get him, which would have the added bonus of being week 1). Maybe Favre will throw a touchdown to an eligible lineman, then proceed to put said lineman on his shoulders. Vertebrae will fracture, his spine will compress, the lineman will fall on him. Everybody wins.

Maybe, just maybe, the Curse will really reward the world. Favraro will stay with the Packers, who will go 18-0 on their way to the Super Bowl (probably against the Dolphins). Of course, he will not have played in any of those games because he's an asshole. In the Super Bowl, however, with the game tied 2-2 and the Pack in the redzone with :15 remaining, Aaron Rodgers will have a chunk of hair pulled out by Joey Porter (naturally) and be forced to leave the game. It's Favraro time!

All he needs to do is get a clean handoff to Ricky Williams (high as a kite) so they can kick a game-winning field goal. But he sees a hole in the defense! Audible! He sends his only wide-out on a fade and underthrows him by 12 yards where, for whatever reason, Paul Soliai is waiting. As he rumbles down the sideline with time expired, Favraro is the only man with a shot at him (the guy weighs 355 fucking pounds). Soliai promptly stiff arms Favraro, compressing his spine and fracturing several vertebrae (again, 355 fucking pounds). While the Fins celebrate their championship, Shawne Merriman rushes the field and snaps Favraro's neck.

That John Madden is one crazy S.O.B.

Boners for Batman, Shriveled for Spencer, and Other Recent Rumblings

Since I have incredibly little time to post on here, savor this.

-The Dark Knight keeps getting new trailers. I know you already know this, but I'm 100% sure this movie will be the fucking best movie of the year. By FAR. But in recent days I've thought about all the trailers and teasers they keep putting out. It's starting to get to be too many. I can't resist watching them when they come out, but dammit...I don't want to see the entire movie before I can get into a Batman zone. Showing me a cool clip in the middle of another TV show throws me off my game.

-I saw a clip of Spencer Pratt on FilmDrunk the other day, and he's a fucking idiot. I feel like an idiot mentioning his name here because he has absolutely no reason to be talked about at all. He's some douchebag on The Hills. Letterman rips into him pretty good about being nothing, but Spencer is one of those guys who don't realize they are hated almost universally by average people. He refers to himself as a partner for aspiring rappers(as a job) and says he gets 100,000 to go to clubs. He won't go to a club for less than 100,000. Fuck him.

-You know, there are a lot of shitty commercials on TV. A LOT. But I've found that Mr. Sub is consistently able to put out very good commercials. They don't usually make a heap of sense, but they are always memorable and funny. Kudos to them. Rogers is still at their usual shitheadedness when it comes to commercials. I refuse to buy anything from them because of their bombarding me with these god-awful ads.

-I was in Superstore the other day, and as a former employee, I noticed their new monthly uniforms were long-sleeved collared shirts. I also noticed that everyone there has decided to roll up the sleeves, and not button the collared shirt completely. Every employee I saw had this. Many more had necklaces(guys) or other bullshit to make themselves think they look like a rebel or something. All I know is they were all going for a certain look, and they all failed. This isn't really a big deal, but I just want them to be miserable and all conform while I figure out if the lower fat ranch dressing is worth spending 47 more cents for.

-This is completely irrelevant to anyone's life, but the last couple times I've been at the gym, there has been this girl about my age who runs on the treadmill. She is moderately good-looking. Fake tans too much, bleaches her hair I'm guessing and is a little chubby. Anyways, she runs really intensely on the treadmill, like she's running a marathon. About half the time, she sets the treadmill on an incline and runs on that for a long time. Thing is, she holds on the handles at the front and just leans back on the treadmill so she's actually running straight, making the entire point of running on an incline useless. This goes on for 20 minutes or so and it just kills me whenever I happen to glance over. She looks so fucking stupid leaning all the way back, she has no clue she looks so dumb, and the exercise is completely useless. It's awesome.

Phillly: City of Brotherly Sex

Christ. I have been so lazy for the longest time. I can't even do a proper post on this shit heap....

Anyway, the fucking Canadiens. What bags of garbage.

I have to shave my fucking head now because they lost their series. Which is horseshit because Philly lost how many games down the stretch. Like 17, I think? Without a win? That's abysmal, teams should fold if that happens, let alone be allowed in the playoffs. Lord Jesus...IF ONLY those fucking abortions missed the playoffs. I would be so happy.

Not only that, I would have my hair right now. It wasn't even a bad bet at the time. Montreal was riding Price and brought them through game seven (mind you, I thought Boston was severely underrated and I knew it would go to 6 or 7). Even still, Philly's previous series was no picnic, and I thought Montreal was far superior. Most did actually, and I thought it was a sure bet that they would get past them...5...maybe 6 games tops. Not even.

Now I'm fucking bald. Which is just dynamite.

As of now, it looks like a dumb ass bet to make, but I didn't think Philly would ever win. I know they weren't that big of a long shot...but the Habs were a very consistent and talented team (if I could describe vaguely). Philly's second half of the season was fucking atrocious. I didn't expect the outcome, it really caught me by surprise. They went down 3-1 and I almost cried. Fuck those flaming cheese-steak eating pouch-lickers.

Flyers Fans



Anyway, I'm mad. My own fault? Yes. But fuck off.

Some explanations are that Price is was not near ready for the playoffs. It would have been picture perfect, though. Picture it, a young 'tender wins the Cup, à la Patrick Roy, Montreal goes crazy and the Cup is back in Canada (I know its Montreal, but fuck it). Even if that was a stretch, they should have beat Philly. I mean, all Philly is are a bunch of cheap-shotting cunts who rely on their off-and-on offence to win games. Which just happen to be on...as with Marty Biron (consistently for once). Obviously great for Philly...but who would have thought that? Maybe Riley, because he has a such a gaping wet spot for them. Or maybe he just loves Lindros...and his huge cunt.

Off topic

Fuck was he a bitch. Had one good year....and only because it was shortened due to a lockout...or else Scott Stevens would have sent him into a coma a few years early. Lindros is the Keyshawn Johnson of the NHL.

Back on...

Watching that series, Montreal had no fucking clue what they were doing. Which was not how they played in the previous series...even in a close one. They didn't deserve to win more than one game in the Philly one. It was embarrassing. But I still feel like I should express my resentment...

I mean, its Philly...they play so simple a child could dissect their shitty system and their defence is straight-up retarded. No exaggeration. They have as much hockey sense as a jar of smashed assholes.

Whatever...go Pittsburgh. Cindy Crosby and Malkin should take care of 'em. God knows Fleury won't. That dude must have sold his soul to the Devil to get into the Conference Finals.

People That Suck

At a normal, organized blog, I would probably just write these down and let Cock Cleaner put them in one of his "People I Hate" posts. Unfortunately, our blog blows and none of us know what is going on.

People who go to Sarcan with too few or too many cans/bottles

I went to Sarcan the other day with 1.5 bags of cans and 2 milk crates of bottles (parents may be borderline alcoholics). This managed to get me a pretty respectable 23 dollars - I consider anything over 20 dollars a success. But what I did means nothing, because I'm not fucking stupid like everyone else.

This place was packed. They had three lines going and it still had six people per line. Now that I think about it, I'm a bit of a moron for staying. There were people walking in there after me with TWO SMALL SHOPPING BAGS of cans. You know what that probably got them? One dollar and fifty fucking cents. Is $1.50 really worth forty-five minutes of your time?

Then there are the people with 13-14 bags and about six cases of some shit beer (like Black Ice). You do know that there's a limit on how much they can give you, right? They can't just give you the $300 or so that your shit is worth. Come to think of it, why the fuck are you saving your cans and bottles for so long? Is your life really that busy that you can't go to Sarcan every month or so when that 3rd bag fills up? Or are you just such a pile of shit that you drink 12 bags worth of cans in a month? Either way, die.

Also, why do people hate Sarcan workers so much? I always hear them getting ragged on, but I've had no problems with them. If anything, congratulate them for not killing themselves while they do the most monotonous job in the world. People that hate Sarcan workers also fuckin' suck.

Jays fans that boo their own players on a regular basis

First off, the Jays lost a heartbreaker tonight in 14 innings. Burnett got tagged with the loss (naturally) after the Jays ran out of relievers and had to toss him in there. The relief pitching was pretty fantastical, getting out of quite a few jams (a couple no outs, bases loaded situations).

On to the people that suck. I don't want to sound like Drunk Jays Fans and beak Toronto's fans, but they get fucking annoying sometimes. They regularly boo their own pitchers after walks - doesn't matter if it was a 10-pitch at-bat - and they boo after strikeouts. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know it sucks to watch your team fail, but it's one fucking out/walk. If The Big Hurt is 0-4 with 4 K's or Burnett walked the last 3 guys, a little boo might suffice, but don't do it every god damn time.

I also have a new beef with Jamie Campbell and Josh Hamilton (Rangers OF). I had no idea who the guy was until the last series the Jays had with them, but Campbell just loves to slobber all over his cock.

Campbell: And Josh Hamilton is up to the dish. This hot piece of ass doesn't even need a bat. He could just catch the ball with his bare hand and throw it over the fence. Look at those muscles...god...I just...goooooooo.

What a dick.

It's About Fucking Time

In the "what took you so long" department, we don't have to listen to Bryant Gumbel next year. As we discussed last football season, Gumbel appeared to be fucking awful at announcing football games.


Mock Draft Ver. 2.0

1. Miami - Jake Long - Fits need and makes more sense financially. 30 million for a defensive lineman is way over market value.

2. St. Louis - Chris Long - Least risky pick.

3. Atlanta - Matt Ryan - Joey Harrington and Chris Redman.

4. Oakland - Darren McFadden - Too good to pass up. This team might actually be good if JaMarcus is half decent.

5. Kansas City - Glenn Dorsey - Want Ryan or Jake Long so just go with best available.

6. New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - Could be their Merriman or Ware.

7. New England - Derrick Harvey - I'd take a corner, but they don't invest in corners. They do invest in linebackers though, and they're old and thin there.

8. Baltimore - Leodis McKelvin - Samari ain't what he used to be.

9. Cincinnati - Sedrick Ellis - The obvious pick.

10. New Orleans - Mike Jenkins - Jason David.

11. Buffalo - Devin Thomas - Apparently Malcom Kelly blew shit in his workouts and is no longer considered first round material. They really need a receiver so I guess they reach for Thomas.

12. Denver - Ryan Clady - The loss of Lepsis means tonnes of question marks on the line.

13. Charlotte - Chris Williams - Need a lineman. Will take whoever the Broncos don't take between these two.

14. Chicago - Branden Albert - They need help pretty much everywhere on offense. Start in the trenches.

15. Detroit - Rashard Mendenhall - Mendenhall is almost as good as McFadden in my books (which I realize could not possibly mean less) and they cut Kevin Jones so if he gets past the Bears...

A Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I hate

People who litter: I know some people who go out of their way to litter. Why do they do it? I don't know. It just makes no sense to me. I could see if it was really really inconvenient, then it can be alright to litter. But to go out of your way to throw garbage onto the grass just blows my mind. A conversation with someone who litters is terrible.

Me: Why did you throw it out the window? I have a garbage in my car and there's garbage can 2 feet away from where we're parked. You're a real asshole, you know that?

Litterer: HAHA Okaaaayyyy tree hugger! Who cares?! Big deal! So what?!

Me: Fuckin hell...

There's nothing you can really say to them, because they've already got it stuck in their head that it's cool to litter. One person telling them they're a dick won't solve anything. Yeah, it's somewhat about the environment, but that's only part of it. You don't want pets and other animals eating your mcdonalds wrapper and you're just making work for someone. Most important of all, have some fucking respect. When you litter, you're not a badass, you're a jackass.

People from Saskatoon: I can't express my disdain for people from Saskatoon enough. Pretty much everyone in that city is a pompous dickhead with their head shoved up their asshole. All they can talk about is how great their fucking city is. Listening to the radio today, people from Saskatoon were calling in saying they should move the football team to Saskatoon, there would be no football team without Saskatoon fans, their girls were hotter, blah blah blah. Seriously, what's better about Saskatoon? They have 2 circle drives for fuck's sake. Their university is really nice, but c'mon...it's fucking school. You go to school to learn, not to sit around and stare at shit. Listen, I like Saskatoon. It's a nice city and all that and I'm sure the people are friendly until you tell them you're from Regina and they all run away going EWWWWWW REGINA! ...but that's beside the point. Saskatoon is a good city, but it's pretty much the exact same as Regina. There's no point in fighting Regina over being a better city. You're not going to win, you're accomplishing nothing, and you're wasting your time. We need to unite against other cities...like Calgary. What a giant shithole.

Congrats on Your New Balls, Cincinnati Bengals

Bengals News: As a fan of the Bengals, this is good to see. Marvin Lewis has already put Chad Johnson in his place, and did it very well. His speech on the topic was very pretty tough and he made it crystal clear that Chad Johnson will be a Bengal next season. I think Chad will play, and play well. If the Bengals can somehow do better this year and manage to make the playoffs, Chad won't be a problem.

In other Bengal news, they cut Chris Henry. This is another step in the right direction for the Bengals. After he turned himself in on an assault charge this morning, the Bengals announced they were going to cut him. He's a player, but man...get a fucking brain. I don't think it's entirely his fault, and people might just be taking advantage of his troublesome past, but in any case, it all comes back to him. If you're fortunate enough to be able to play in the NFL, you CANNOT be doing dumb shit. He got a second chance with the Bengals after last year, so he should have been sitting at home and working out or something every night. Thing is, his priorities are all fucked up. If you pick going out and drinking every night over playing in the NFL, if I was an owner, I would not want you on my team. Some people just don't realize how lucky they are.

So...this really thins out the receivers on the Bengals. After Housh and CJ, it's Antonio Chatman. Obviously, they need to fill those spots. Malcolm Kelly, the best WR, isn't rated high enough to be taken #9. I'm guessing they'll take the best DT or DE available at their spot, then take a receiver next round. They might trade up a few spots to make sure they get Sedrick Ellis. In any case, they'll be taking a defensive player with whatever pick they end up with.

I don't know what the Bengals have been doing with their team. Look at their 2005 roster. The team now consists of pretty much the exact same players, just minus most of the good ones. No one has gotten better. It's like they've traded all their draft picks the last 2 years for an old sandwich.


Broncos News: Fucking Brandon Marshall. He's going to miss the entire offseason because of his stupid arm. I don't know how you almost rip your arm off wrestling with a family member, and I don't know why he's a grown man(and a giant football player) wrestling family members, but this just sucks.

For the draft, the Broncos are pretty much guaranteed to take an Offensive Tackle. They gotta protect Cutler better than last year.

Eagles News: Eagles, get a fucking wide receiver. McNabb is a great player, but he can only do so much with Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis. If they just had one really good receiver, it would probably catapult them back into the NFC Championship game. McNabb has never complained about his receivers, but look how good they were when T.O. was there.

They'll probably draft some defensive loser. I say take the best WR available, shore up linebacking or safety in the second and third rounds.

I Got A Hate-on For These Commercials

All-Bran: All-Bran had a good idea. When they came out with that "These All-Bran snacks taste really good," that was funny. I really liked that commercial.

As usual, once companies get a hold on something good, they beat it into the fucking ground. They had a guy going around the office saying that phrase and people spit water all over him, and NOW they have a guy eating cereal in a meeting saying the phrase. Don't these companies get it? IT'S NOT FUNNY. It's just like those Capital One "Hands in my pocket" commercials. If someone tells you a funny joke, you'll laugh. If they tell you the joke tomorrow, you might chuckle. If they tell you that joke 3 times a day for a week, you'll kick them in the junk.

If you want your company and commercial to be memorable, don't air it every second commercial. Make it a rare occurence, so people will be able to actually remember it for being funny and clever, not for being shoved down their throats.

Maltesers: Maltesers commercials are stupid. The one with the couple watching a movie is the worst. The girl asks for a piece of the candy the way a porn star asks for an eggplant up her vagina. Then the guy gives her a Maltesers by sucking through the straw and holding the candy on the straw before dropping into her mouth. It ends with the two of them giggling like retards for some unknown reason. Apparently eating candy makes you laugh or something. The goal, I guess is to show that the candy is light. Yeah, good job Maltesers, I really want to buy your fucking candy because it's light. Idiots.

The Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I Hate.

Today: People who have to do some sort of "gang sign" in pictures.

Why? I don't understand. Are they just looking for something to do with their hands? It makes no sense.

The most common hand sign is giving the "peace sign" in pictures. If you're a girl, you must always look to the side, still keeping your eyes on the camera, and then make your lips pouty. Oh...nearly forgot...the peace sign must always be sideways. If you're a guy, doesn't really matter. Just make sure it's sideways. And that's how you can look like a fucking tool in all your pictures.




I have a suggestion. When someone takes a picture of you, just fucking stand there and smile. You can put your hands in your pocket, maybe around someone's shoulder, cross them if you want...hell just leave them hanging there. I really don't care, as long as it's not some sort of stupid gangster sign.

Listen...if you're not a black rapper trying to make a statement, then don't do the fucking sign. You're not a gangster...you're a smegma bag.

So, Madden 09 on August 12. Time to get way too excited and set myself up for disappointment! This is my favorite tradition of the year.

Apparently there's a 20th anniversary edition that includes NFL Head Coach 09 and a bunch of other bullshit. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Guess how much this costs? 89.99! And that's American, so I'm sure they'll jack it up another five bucks up here. I'm not going to call it highway robbery, because you do get two games. Expressway robbery? Freeway robbery maybe? Either way, I probably won't buy Madden first day, maybe not at all if it doesn't impress me.

7 Things That Must Happen if The Jays are Going to Win the Wild Card

Unlike other contributors to this blog, I have not given up on the Blue Jays before the season has started. Granted, they are still likely to finish third with a record that is four games above .500, followed by the inevitable firing of Riccardi, followed by three shitty rebuilding years, followed by four mediocre years, followed by the cycle starting again. That being said, the Yankees are not nearly the powerhouse they've been recently and the Red Sox have a lot of question marks in their rotation, especially if Beckett misses significant time. I've decided Toronto will need to win at least 93 games to have a chance at the Wild Card, and I feel like this is possible if most of the following happen.

1. Big breakout years years by Alex Rios and Dusty Lambchops

I'm pretty confident McGowan will throw down a pretty serious year. Only ten pitchers had more strikeouts after the All-Star break last year and his numbers got better every month. He needs to emerge as almost dominant and make 30 some starts.

I don't feel so great about Rios. Obviously the guy is really good, but I'm afraid he's never going to take it to the next level. His numbers have been identical for the last two years which, to me, indicates that he's reached his peak. I heard he came to Spring Training with 20 pounds of muscle so hopefully his power numbers go up. I'd like to see some more plate discipline too.

2. Don't lose nine games in a row in May

This is pretty obvious, but it was pretty much the season last year. If they would've won half these games, they would have been at least within shouting distance of the Wild Card in September.

3. A Good Start by Frank Thomas

This guy can still hit but has been a notoriously slow starter the last couple years. Last year he turned it up right around the time the Jays fell out of contention. They can't afford that, so he needs to be more consistent.

4. A More consistent Halladay

This falls in with the Thomas thing, in that they can't afford to fall behind in the standings if they want to make the playoffs. Roy was as good as can be expected at this point in his career for most of the year, but had a disastrous May and a weak June which, not coincidentally, coincided with his appendectomy and the nine game losing streak. The declining strikeout rate also concerns me, and they should have John McDonald out there whenever he pitches because of this.

5. Another Huge Year from the 'Pen

I can't possibly complain about the performance of the relievers last year, but I'm going to preemptively complain about this years performance. With no Janssen and no Beej for at least the first month, we're going to see a lot of Jason Frasor, Brandon League, and Scott Downs for the first while. This has the potential to work great as long as Gibby does not attempt to make Downs' arm fall off again.

6. Bounce back years from Vern and Overbay

These guys were simply awful last year, partially due to injury, partially due to general shitty play. This can't happen again.

7. Stay Healthy

This is probably a pipe dream, I'll admit, but it's pretty much the only chance we've got. Pretty hard to win with replacement level players and on a team this thin, you're pretty much getting AAA guys. It's probably a bad omen that Janssen is gone for the year, and Rolen and the Beej are out at least until early May and AJ already had problems.

Who the hell am I kidding? This team is going no where fast unless they get extremely lucky. New York isn't that great anymore, but there's enough other good teams in the AL that they will need to be almost flawless to make the playoffs.

7 Reasons Why The Blue Jays Will, Once Again, Lose

1. Casey Janssen tore his labrum. I had to look up what the hell that was, but even before then it just sounded bad. Anything with "pitcher" and "torn" means bad news; unless you're Josh Beckett, then you replace "torn" with "gaping vagina". Anyway, this breaks my heart for two reasons: Casey Janssen is a solid pitcher with balls of steel who can go in and hold a lead or just eat up innings, and his career could be hurt because of this (although not too likely). They still have Downs, Accardo, and Ryan, but Janssen had a good chance at that 5th spot in the rotation.
   
   
2. Speaking of that 5th starter, reason number two is: Jesse Litsch. Yeah, he tossed a gem in his first career start. Too bad he still isn't good. Not overpowering, doesn't have control, and decent stamina at best. Hooray for forcing Wolverine into the game after three innings! Note: I saw he pitched well today. It was one game...he stills blows.
   


3. Our two big acquisitions of the off-season: Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. That twat MBE would disagree with me here, but I'm telling you right now they aren't much of an upgrade from last year. Eckstein is better offensively than past Jays shortstops, but he had that horrendous dickduster and his fantastic .960 fielding percentage will remind me of Royce "Fucking Tool" Clayton. Rolen won't play much, but even when he does he'll be a mediocre hitter at best and a slightly more agile Troy Glaus. Okay, way more agile.
   


4. Marco Scutaro. If you take playing time from Aaron Hill like Fucking Tool did to Johnny Mac, I'll shit everywhere. Aaron Hill is a badass, and he proved last year he can play the whole year. Just ride the pine and be happy with it, Scrote.
   


5. John Gibbons, please don't fuck with the bullpen. I know you can't blame him for losses, but I'm blaming him for some losses last year. You have a fantastic bullpen this year so don't wear down two guys' arms within the first 2 weeks. And I like the idea of playing the matchups in the 8th/9th with B.J. and Accardo (MBE style). They've both proven they can close games, so just put either one in when the matchup suits them instead of forcing B.J. to play the 9th every game.
   


6. Rod Barajas. What the fuck J.P.?
   


7. Seriously, he blows.
   

But in all honesty, I like the looks of their pitching this year - don't screw it up, Gibbons - with (almost) everyone seeming to be healthy, but their bats/defense won't cut it. Then again, Vern can't possibly have another season like last year, can he?

Go Jays!

F--cking Seth Rogen

this video isn't good. i just don't really have anything else to post.

It's Moshzilla!

Your NCAA Headquarters Are HERE

For everything you needed to know about March Madness, this should be your only source of information.

On day one, even though it's not over yet, there was only one real headline.

Oral Roberts sucked major dick.





Seriously, they blew. Hard. I've never seen a team so unable to wrap their lips around the concept of defence. DeJuan Blair was huge in the middle, and Oral Roberts just could not penetrate them down low. At one point, they were 5-9 from beyond the 3-point line and 1-16 from everywhere else. That's so pathetic.

Pittsburgh was too big for Oral Roberts. No matter what Oral Roberts did, Pittsburgh's hugeness just made anything Oral Roberts did seem insignificant and useless. It must have frustrating for Pittsburgh just to have to put up with it. Oral tried running up and down the outside, that didn't work. They tried sticking it inside, that didn't work. Oral just couldn't get their stroke down against a big Pitt team.

On top of that, Pitt blanketed Oral on defence. It got really rough, actually. Oral Roberts would have needed to lube their entire team up just to get out of the coverage.

At Oral Roberts, they live with constant reminders of the school motto, “Expect a Miracle,” but there were no miracles this day, not against that team. All they got was shock. You could see it smeared all over their faces.

Are Automatic Car Washes Are F--king Retarded?

If it's extremely cold out and you don't have a garage and for some reason you absolutely have to wash your car and don't feel like drying it with towels or something, then an automatic car wash is mildly acceptable.

Other than that, there is only one possible good reason to go to an automatic car wash.

You have to be a lazy asshole who has no concept of cost-effectiveness. I consistently see cars lined up to get into these places on beautiful days and can't understand why in the world you'd go there.

Here are pros and cons of an automated car wash.

Pros
-You don't have to go through the effort of getting out of your car and washing your car yourself. Interestingly enough, you probably also fervently wish there were escalators in your house.

-There's a dryer at the end that sort of dries off your car. Meaning you're under the delusion that a car is much like a regular person, who enjoys being being dried off right after they're done a shower.

Cons
-It costs what...like 7$-9$ minimum? I got beef with that. I spend 2$-3$ on car washes. I go to that new hand carwash. I spend 1$ on that soap spray, give the car a quick spray all around for 30 seconds, then switch to the foam brush. I let the foam flow out onto the car for the rest of my minute. Then, I just use the brush and scrub it down for however long that takes me. I'll use the second 1$ to just rinse it off. Simple enough, and my car is just as clean as anyone elses. So automated car washes cost around 6$ more for me.

-I can clean my own car way better than that machine. That machine is just happy to go back and forth and the same speed over every section of the car. Well say there's some spots dirtier than others? Maybe you gotta spend a little time cleaning a bit more on those areas. NOOOOO SIRREE! You ain't doing that in one o' your fancy car washes.

-Think of what you could buy instead. All kinds of awesome shit. A BJ from MBE's sister.That's right! 5$ limited time offer!

...

Conclusion: I'm awesome.

Hey...Shut up.

"That was the TSN turning point!"

This is a phrase that when used correctly, provides a dose of humor and an interesting reference to pop culture. It works like a charm in certain situations. However, when used the wrong way, it makes you look like a complete fucking tool and a giant dickhole. But it's the absolute worst when it's accepted by the entire group and the stupid comment goes unnoticed.

Happy Birthday Trent! Have Your Locker Empty By Tomorrow, Please

After a season full of incompletions, interceptions, and fumbles, Trent Dilfer (pictured, left) has had his contract terminated by the San Fransisco 49ers. Dilfer started six games last year (with one (losing) relief appearance) - losing all but one - before getting knocked the fuck out and later outshined by a subpar rookie. It's expected that this will be the end of his career, as getting cut by the 49ers is pretty much a career breaker. And even if it isn't, it would probably force you to reconsider your profession.

I just don't understand this decision from the Niners. This is Trent Fucking Dilfer we're talking about here. The guy won a Superbowl! Sure, he may have thrown more TDs than INTs only once last year, but look at what he's done in the past. In 2000, he quarterbacked the Ravens to a wild card berth and a Superbowl, despite being seen trying to lose every week.

Actually, that's pretty much all he's done. He's so shitty he couldn't even blow a game properly. Happy birthday Trent, and good luck in free agency.

Rejoice!

Greg Oden participated in his first practice with the Blazers since undergoing microfracture surgery on his right knee. Unfortuneately for the Blazers, Oden has missed his entire rookie season and has been unable to help the team make a serious run for the playoffs. Unfortuneately for Greg Oden, he still looks like a grizzled Vietnam War veteran.

Butch Harmon Will Not Put Up With Your Bullshit

In an effort to find some kind of sports news that was both awesome and not already on a blog everybody reads, I found a nice piece about John Daly on Yahoo!. Apparently, people are starting to get sick of his so-called "shenanigans".

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing
in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most
important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

That would be Butch Harmon, Daly's swing coach, explaining why he will no longer be offering Daly his services. I guess Daly spent 2-hour rain delay at a tournament - which he got into on a sponsor's exemption because his fat ass lost his PGA Tour card - drinking in a Hooters, then brought Jon Gruden out to caddy for him when play resumed. Needless to say, he missed the cut.

Colour me impressed. Not only did he give a big fuck you to the PODS Championship people by bringing out an NFL coach to caddy for him, but he shot a 77 after drinking for two and a half hours straight. And because this is John Daly, we can probably assume that those two and a half hours were not spent drinking one or two beers. They were more likely spent doing jag bombs, drinking absinthe, and beating women.

As for Butch, he watches a guy shoot a 77 (probably) blind drunk, then ditches him? Most people couldn't shoot 110 on those courses sober, let alone pissed. If he was as good a coach as he thinks he is, he would have Daly practicing drunk to better prepare him for tournament play.

Hilarious Update: According to Yahoo! (again), Daly was kicked out of the Arnold Palmer Invitational this weekend because he missed his tee time for the wednesday Pro-Am. He claims he was told the wrong tee time, but we all know he was just too shitfaced to wake up. Anyway, he also got Nick O'Hern and Ryuji Imada booted from the tourney because they were next up after Daly and weren't there early enough, I guess. Good old John, trying to ruin as many people's lives as he can before the inevitable heart failure.

Mock Draft Ver. 1.0

The NFL Draft is fast approaching, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to opine on who I feel each team should take. I don't know a tonne about the prospects, so a lot of this will be based on team need. But, and be honest here, who would you rather have building your team, me or Bill Parcells? That's what I thought.

1. Miami Dolphins - Matt Ryan, QB

Even though it seems like McFadden is the best prospect and athlete in this class, I feel like when you have the first overall pick, you should take a quarterback because you cannot succeed in the NFL without good quarterback play. Plus, Ronnie Brown is very good, providing he comes back from his injury, and running backs are a dime a dozen, unlike quarterbacks. If Parcells doesn't like Ryan or any other QB's in the draft he should trade down for a package of picks and whatnot. John Beck will not win you a Super Bowl.

2. St. Louis Rams - Chris Long, DE

While Long does not appear to bring any one terrific skill to the table, he will be a reliable end for many years.

3. Atlanta Falcons - Glenn Dorsey, DT

The Falcons need a quarterback badly, but with Ryan gone and Michael Turner making McFadden unnecessary, the Falcons should take this opportunity to take a potentially dominant defensive lineman. Combined with last year's first rounder Jamaal Anderson and John Abraham, the Falcons have the makings of a pretty decent defensive line.

4. Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden, RB

Because Justin Fargas is not as good as his numbers were last year.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Jake Long, OT

Because Damion McIntosh is not that good period.

6. New York Jets - Keith Rivers, OLB

The Jets already acquired a nosetackle for their 3-4 D, so I doubt they are taking Sedrick Ellis here and Vernon Gholston is not good enough against the run to play end in the 3-4. This leaves Rivers, a pretty good looking OLB.

7. New England Patriots - Leodis McKelvin, CB

They need help in the secondary and corner makes as much sense as any other position.

8. Baltimore Ravens - Brian Brohm, QB

Because he is much better than anyone else on their quarterback depth chart, and all the stuff from the Dolphins applies.

9. Cincinnati Bengals - Vernon Gholston, DE

This guy has "Bigger version of Dwight Freeney" written all over him. 6-3, 266, 4.58 in the 40, 42 inch vert, enough said. In fact, I'm sure he'll go sooner than this given how much scouts love guys like this.

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins, CB

Thankfully for them, they have already replaced Jason David with Randall Gay. However, David is still slated to be the nickelback. This clearly needs to be addressed.

11. Buffalo Bills - Malcom Kelly, WR

The Bills defense seems to be coming together good enough, and at least Kelly would give them a receiver taller than 5 foot 7.

12. Denver Broncos - Chris Williams, OT

The nucleus of Denver's dominant O-lines of the past decade seems to have eroded.

13. Carolina Panthers - Kentwan Balmer, DT

The loss of Kris Jenkins frees up a spot on the inside of the defensive line.

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall, RB

Because it's never too early to give up on Cedric Benson. Plus, Mendenhall can catch much better than McFadden, or so I've heard.

15. Detroit Lions - Chris Clady, OT

Despite gaping holes in the secondary, this team needs to keep Kitna on his feet. I realize it's ninety percent his fault, but you still have to try.

*************************************************************************************

In other news:

Fernando Torres : Still awesome

Gustavo Chacin : Still awful

Pat Simmons : Really lucky

Kevin Martin and co. : Terrifyingly good

Shaun Alexander : Finally done?

A Completely Infeasible and Far Fetched Plan to Save the NHL

There has been much discussion around these parts lately about the popularity of hockey now and in the future. I firmly believe the NHL is sliding slowly into irrelevance and you could make the argument that it is already irrelevant. Let's face it, when 80% of the franchises are located in a country that doesn't give a shit about the sport, there is a problem. That being said, there is hope....

Step 1: Retract some gosh darned teams

Why was hockey so badass in the fifties and sixties? A few reasons. A shallow player pool, resulting in amazing talent spread across every team; passionate rivalries because teams played early and often; and teams that didn't change players every week, giving more casual fans a better opportunity to learn the players, resulting in knowledgeable, passionate fan bases.

None of this exists now.

Solution: get rid of at least ten teams, preferably in places that are not selling tickets. I'm far too lazy to research who actually sells tickets, but I'm going to suggest who to contract.

Florida, Nashville, Atlanta, Carolina, Phoenix, Tampa Bay, Washington, San Jose, Columbus, and I would recommend consolidating L.A. and Anaheim into one team. Anaheim is in L.A. at this point.

I would love if more teams could be moved to Canada, but there does not seem to be places to put teams. Winnipeg and Quebec City are the only places big enough, but we know how that turned out.

Step 2: Slash costs.....Slash ticket prices

I realize costs are way down from before the lockout, but they are quickly escalating again. The NHL likes to pretend it can contend with the big boys as far as salaries, and as an extension of that, ticket prices. The reality is that they cannot. This league has nowhere near the revenue the other 'Big 3' has.

The NHL has an average salary of 1.75 million. The NFL has an average salary of 1.1 million. I realize NFL teams require twice as many players, but you must admit, this is retarded. Each NFL team makes 84 million dollars a year in TV money. The average NHL team takes in 81 million dollars a year total. This does not equate at all, especially when you consider how much more the NFL makes in terms of merchandising and other such things.

The way to bring people back to the rink is to reduce prices. The average family pretty much can't go to a game at this point. The only way to make this possible is to reduce costs, and this means reducing player salaries.

Step 3: Rule changes?

I'm not necessarily in favour of any or all of these changes. Is it worth saving the game if you're just going to bastardize it into something unrecognizable? Nevertheless, consider the following:

Remove fighting : The effect this would have is arguable. Some love fighting, some hate it. My guess is this would be a wash. You'd lose as many as you gain. In fact, forget I even brought this up.

Enforce the obstruction rules : This also doesn't work in my opinion. It just results in more powerplays, which are just guys passing the puck around, and are not overly exciting. This section is not working out the way I planned it. Maybe this game is not salvageable.

Bigger nets : The problem with hockey in most peoples eyes is flow of the game. Making the net bigger only results in more goals, not more flow. The game becomes no more exciting. Bigger nets are also useless. This is why I never write anything on here.

Olympic Ice : This is the moneymaker. The argument here is that the rinks cannot accommodate the changes. I call bullshit. Just add a few more feet of the pipes under the ice. The only issue I can see here is that you lose a little bit of seating capacity, but in most markets these seats are empty anyway, which looks retarded on TV. As an added bonus, you get more expensive front row seats because the circumference of the ice is larger! It's a win-win. This should also clear up some space on the ice for some sweet stuff to happen. The best hockey I ever remember seeing is the 2002 Olympics. This may have had more to do with who won and such but whatever.

Four on Four : I think this is dumb. It's all I'm going to say.

Conclusion:

This is much longer than intended and I didn't say half the shit I wanted too. But it's a start. To me, the biggest problem is the economics of the league. Like I said, they want to compete with Baseball, Football, and most of all Basketball. The reality is that they cannot right now. Someday they might get back to the hey day of the early nineties, but that will not happen soon, and not without some big time changes to the league. Status Quo is simply not good enough.

The Popularity of Hockey

Where is hockey headed?
Will it popular in 10 years?
Will it be popular in 100 years?

Let's delve into the world of hockey.

In the 90s, hockey had reached its peak popularity. It was a major part of pop-culture in the U.S. Hockey was a part of TV and movies. The Mighty Ducks were all about hockey, and movies like Happy Gilmore and Wayne's World referenced to the sport quite a bit. Even the most popular show on TV, Seinfeld, talked about hockey(C'mon man, support the team. THE DEVILLLLLLS!!!!) for awhile. Hockey jerseys were worn regularly in movies (Christmas Vacation, Pushing Tin). Where is that kind of stuff now?

You don't see any of that today. Hockey is just not a part of pop-culture anymore.

...

The lost season a couple years ago has affected hockey badly. When people lost hockey, they simply moved on to other sports. Canadians didn't move on, but Americans did. Hockey was alright, but losing it was no big deal. And it's tough to win back fans when games are broadcast on the Outdoor Life Network.


...

Northern European countries and Russia are the only other places that care about hockey. Mainly because, like Canada, it's so freakin cold for a lot of the year. And when it's winter for a lot of the year, hockey is by far the best and most fun thing to do outside. Hockey does fairly well in these countries, but soccer still rules. Hockey won't die out, but it will never grow as popular as soccer. Soccer only continues to grow in this increasingly global world as a world-wide sport. Eventually it will be popular in North America and should eventually become the second most popular sport next to football in the US. People can only have so many sports to follow, and hockey is barely getting by as it is. Soccer might squeeze hockey out of the minds of Americans (keep in mind this is a long time from now). Canadians are very apt to do whatever Americans do and they follow American media closely, so when hockey is out of the public eye of Americans, hockey will eventually fall away from Canadians.

...

Just found this out. It may interest you to know that Nike is selling their hockey division to a group of investors headed by, you guessed it, a Canadian. Nike acquired Bauer in 1994 for 395$ million. Hockey was surging, with the league adding 4 expansion teams, relocating Minnesota's franchise to Dallas, and major networks airing hockey games. Originally trying to stand alone as a brand, they failed and had to fall back on the Bauer brand. Nike-Bauer sold well, but not well enough. Nike is now selling their hockey division for 200$ million...half of what they paid for it. Their products will be phased out in 2 years.

...

Registered hockey players in both Canada and the U.S. have declined for the second straight year. Not that big of a deal.


So you might be saying to yourself "Golly gee, looks like hockey ain't what it used to be." Consider THIS.

Here's a slightly racist theory. Most kids aspire to be great athletes in the sport of their choosing. With almost all the top athletes in sports like Football and Basketball being black, hockey is 99.9% white people. Parents might steer their kids towards a sport they know they can excel in, like hockey. If white people don't even get a look because of their skin color in other sports, hockey would at least accept them.

...

As long as winter is around, hockey will be around. Winter's not going away, so hockey is here to stay. I don't know how this global warming will turn out, but if it means longer winters, then hockey will only grow.

...

Hockey will weave its way back into the minds of Americans soon. The layoff was a setback, but hockey can recover. With physical sports like MMA growing more and more popular, hockey and its fighting will increase in popularity. Americans demand a physical game, and hockey delivers. With demand only growing for very physical sports, sports like cricket and soccer are unlikely to make their way into the market and establish themselves the way sports like football already have.



There.

I think I've touched on most things. Any others are welcome in the comments.
As for me, it's tough to say. I think hockey's popularity is declining, but hockey will never fade away. As long as batshit crazy countries like Canada are around to support it, I don't expect hockey to go anywhere. Its world popularity will decline if all European Countries have to follow is their own country's shitty leagues where the best players leave to play in North America. They rarely have an occasion to get excited about the sport, and when they do, Canada stomps in and shits all over them.

So what's in store for sports in the future? Who cares, we'll be dead.



So enjoy yourself.

Your Soccer Rundown

To catch you up to date with soccer happenings, here's a lil rundown of world events.

First, you got the Champions League. They're in the Round of 16 right now, with 4 teams of the Round of 8 decided today. Here they are.

Arsenal vs. AC Milan



Arsenal advanced to the round of 8 after defeating Milan 2-0 in the second leg. The game was poised to go into overtime until the 84th minute, when Fabregas sent a bouncer into the corner of the net from the top of the 18 yard box. Their second goal was just a result of Milan trying desperately to score a goal at the other end.

I guess Arsenal deserved to go through, but it's tough to say one deserved it more than the other when they're equally matched through 2 games until one team scores a lucky one right near the end. I had no qualms about this game's result, so I ended up cheering for Arsenal because AC Milan's jerseys are stupid and ugly.

Barcelona vs. Celtic



This game pretty much had a pre-determined outcome after Barcelona beat Celtic 3-2 in Glasgow, meaning Celtic would have to win by 2 in the second leg in Barcelona. Considering how good Barcelona is, a win just wasn't gonna happen. Barcelona won 1-0. I like Barcelona, but I like Celtic more. Celtic just doesn't have the star power to compete with a pwnasaurus like Barca.

-Editor's note here: I remain convinced that soccer is far and away the worst sport to take pictures of. You cannot take a picture of a free kick, a header, a tackle, or a shot without everyone in the picture looking like a retard. No other sport comes close.

Sevilla vs. Fenerbahce

This would have been a good game to watch. It even went to penalties because the aggregate score was 5-5 between the two games. Fenerbahce won, but they won't make it much farther. Losers.

Man U vs. Lyon

Another good game, but as expected, Manchester United advanced. Lyon hung in there, but Man U is just too good. Man U won 1-0 and advanced 2-0 on aggregate.

...

Now on to the World Rankings.

Canada is ranked 58th in the world. Considering it's been ranked in the 100s in recent years, I guess we'll take what we can get. Still, fuck that. 58th? That's bullshit. Guess who's 59th?

Bosnia-Herzegovina. Fucking BOSNIA. Remember them? Slobodan Milosevic, the butcher of the Balkans? Massive Civil War? Thousands of land mines? Ring a bell? It should. Bosnia-Herzegovina now has just over 3 million people. Canada has 30 million people.

Cripes! All the Bosnian team (if they can even find a team) has to play against is a team of landmines. And landmines don't lose!

Teams ahead of Canada include Wales, Lithuania, Mali, Slovakia, Moldova, etc. Fucking Moldova.

Whatever Slovakia, Canada can still beat you at hockey. So shove your soccer ranking up your ass!
-Editor's note: No one gives a shit about hockey except Canadians

The US is down to 26th, which isn't bad, but they were ranked in the top 15 for quite awhile so thats kind of a downer.

If you're looking for a laugh, check out garfield without garfield. It's hilarious!

NFL Offseason Report: Bucs Inch One Step Closer To Creating The Perfect QB

The Buccaneers now have the oddest collection of quarterbacks this world has ever known. It's like they're hoping all the quarterbacks will engage in a big orgy and produce the singular greatest quarterback of all time.

One with Chris Simms' boyish good looks, Jeff Garcia's ability to bag incredibly hot girls despite looking like a chihuahua-horse with skin cancer , Bruce Gradkowski's skin tone, Luke McCown's ability to...pick his nose, Jake Plummer's ability to make laser precision throws while avoiding tackles with his incredibly quick feet, and now... the last piece of the puzzle...the go get 'em attitude and mental fortitude of...Dennis Quaid! Congratulations Bucs on your new acquisition!

Reverse Racism Running Rampant

Examples:

commercial #1: Car commercial. Two guys are in a car, driving down the road. The driver remarks how he can set play his music by saying the name of the artist out loud. The driver's friend then says "Michael Bolton," making the driver look like a fool when Michael Bolton comes on. The driver, needless to say, is embarrassed.

commercial #2: A Muchmusic commercial. Two guys want music. One does it the Muchmusic way, succeeding in doing whatever the hell it is he wanted to do. The other guy does it another way, failing in the process. The Muchmusic guy is clearly smarter, while the other guy is a fool.

commercial #3: McDonald's commercial. One guy has a burger from the dollar menu, another has a different burger. The McDonald's guy is portrayed as being way smarter and just all around awesomer. Awesomer is a word. Look it up. No? It's a word now, cockbag.

commercial #4:: Dominos "You've got 30 minutes" delivery commercial. Guy opens door to receive pizza, asks delivery person to guess what they did with their 30 minutes. Delivery person says (insert dumb act here), guy, who clearly did the aforementioned dumb act, says "No!" then shuts the door.


Enough examples.

Problem? In all these commercials, the fool was white. The smart person is black. In every single commercial with only 2 guys, if there a black person, they will ALWAYS be the smart, sensible person.

Here's how it goes.

A commercial where a white man is better than a black man.

Society: RACISM! OPPRESSION! Classic case of whites having power over blacks! NAZIS! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!

A commercial where a black man is better than a white man.

Society: (thumb up their ass)Huh? What's the problem?

...

There's a new movie coming out called "College Road Trip" which is pretty much the same exact situation. From what I can tell from the previews, it's basically a black family and a white family vacationing together, and the white people are complete dipshits and act like retards. Imagine if it was the other way around.

I just don't approve of this sort of thing. That's all I'll say on this topic.

Sorry...that you're all fuckheads

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple days. I'll get one up soon. I'll repeat, it's not hard to post something once in awhile. I'm looking at you MBE.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest you check out the sitemeter thing I got. Go to site referrals on the side bar when you enter. You get to see what people type in google to come to this site.

So far, the ones I like the best are:

1."Rogers Commercials suck"

-This has moved up to #1 in google. Congratulations Rogers, you fucking mongrels.

2."the influences of shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and My Super Sweet 16"

-This site is at #4 for that. Hooray!

3."Diamond Shreddies Bullshit"

-#1 again. Good job whatever your name is that posted that article. Fucking loser.

4."Muscular man cleaner"

-#5. I wonder what that guy was looking for when he typed that in. I'm pretty sure he meant Mr. Clean

5. Wait scratch that, this is number 1. I'm not going back up to rearrange this shit. Anyway. 1. "Kyle Orton Neckbeard"

-If you type that in, we're #5. That is fucking success, people. Look out obscure Deadspin link, here we come!

Others include: "how much does soulja boy make" at #5, "rogers commercial hate" at #1, and other stupid ones. Go look if you feel like it, although I've pretty much summarized here.

WIB post

Burgers or Pizza

Fuck, now I'm hungry.

Another MBS post...but NO! It's different!

Alright, another one. Jeez, if we can't debate on the morality of dogfucking, I don't know what to talk about. How about we turn this into a "Which Is Better?" post. We'll have two options, you choose your side. Alright? Now it's called a WIB post. Got that you fucking morons?

Sorry...that was mean. So the first topic will be thus:

Which is better?


A held-in big, solid, one-wipe poop VS. Pissing when you've held it for a long time

Rogers Commercials Suck Ass

For the love of God...

There is no possible way that Rogers commercials could get worse. I know we've discussed this many times, but really...it can't be emphasized enough. These ads are mind-numbingly retarded. The fucking idiots in marketing are utter failures. What the fuck are they thinking? I can imagine their meetings.

Idiot 1: Alright guys, time to crap out a new ad. Any ideas?

Idiot 2: Mmmm...I don't know. Maybe some gay buttsex will help us think.

Idiot 3: Yeah, gay buttsex.

(gay buttsex)

Idiot 1: Alright, what do we got?

Idiot 2: ...

Idiot 3: ...

Idiot 1: More buttsex?

What a bunch of donkeys.

This fairly new ad features, as usual, the infamous "Five Fucking Faggoteers" of Rogers' previous commercials. Presumably driving either to or from a trip to the mountains. One of the girls takes a picture of the driver, then procedes to mention to the group how she'll post it on facebook and that people will laugh at it, then post on her wall, thereby making her laugh.

Analysis: Alright, this is too stupid. You can figure it out your damn selves. I fucking hate Rogers. I hope the entire marketing team goes straight to hell.

Fuck you Rogers.

Shitty Fucking Ideas

In honour of the original concept of this blog, I'll be filling you in on things I come across that are unforgivably fucking stupid. I find that TV producers do a great job of helping me find these things, so most will be TV based.

Also, I changed the title to something more fitting. Chances are you fuckers didn't think I would ever take the time to write another one of these columns, but hey...Impossible is Nothing.


Shreddies

I've never really been a big fan of Shreddies cereal. Much like Special K or Rice Krispies, it doesn't have a whole lot to offer. The only time I eat it is when we're fresh out of all other cereal, but even then it's basically just a bowl of brown sugar with a couple Shreddies tossed in. Not only did it not have much taste, but it turned into complete mush after about four minutes. You could potentially blame that on the absurd amounts of brown sugar in it, but that would be unfair to the provider of taste.

Well, Post finally decided to put a stop to all that with their new cereal: Diamond Shreddies! Well fuck me sideways. To quote the fine people of Post: "Think that we can't make 100% whole grain wheat Shreddies cereal even better? Well, we just did!" We turned those motherfuckers 45 degrees! Won't taste like shit no more!

I still can't decide if this is a joke or not. It's mind numbingly retarded. They even have a fucking website for this stuff. Either way, Post, I'm not eating either of your bullshit cereals.

Adidas

We've talked about this many times, but I feel like the rest of our readers (I'm lookin' at you, Carl) should know about the bullshit spewing from Reggie Bush's mouth. The first one that I saw was of Jonah Lomu, so I rationally assumed that they would all be about people who faced serious adversity and managed to overcome it. Of course, that could not have been any more wrong.

The second ad I saw was Gilbert Arenas complaining about riding the pine for the first 40 games of his rookie season, even though the asshole ended up starting 30 games that year. Then he goes on to say he wanted to prove everyone wrong by getting really good. Once again, I rationally assumed that he was a late round draft pick with very little to offer. Nope. The prick went 31st overall out of Arizona. If anything, you should be trying to prove to people you deserved to be picked that high. Fuck you Gilbert, you're a shit stain on society.

The best ad of the bunch has to go to Reggie Bush's horrifying tale of adversity. "Six games into the season, I still had no touchdowns. I got a little frustrated." You mean this poor guy had to suffer through a national championship and Heisman Trophy at USC (think of the tang), getting drafted 2nd overall, AND not scoring for six weeks? Jesus H. Christ. If bosses were more like Mr. Tarkanian, we wouldn't have to worry about shit like this.