A Revelation!

When car companies are designing their cars, they way they judge how far to make their vehicles off the ground is by this method.

1st step: roll a soccer ball under the vehicle and adjust the axles so a soccer ball can roll under just enough to get stuck and not roll completely through.

2nd step: adjust the muffler and driveshaft, as well as the bottom of the engine according to the height of a basketball. Be sure to not allow the basketball to pass by these things, as like the soccer ball.

Voilà! the perfect car!

One person I have a major beef with:

Fucking Pierre Maguire. The human shit show that can be found making his retarded, half-baked comments on TSN Hockey Night. The guy is a twat. The man used to be a G.M. and yet is consistently wrong with his comments. This isn't just me talking, there are many who hate this bald piece of shit with as much passion as I do.

I've never heard so many people call bullshit at his views on in-game events. I mean, if any other commentator says something that you don't agree with or think was really incorrect...you just either shrug it off or make a small comment and thats it. When Maguire says these incredibly stupid things, he says it in a way that makes you want to get up and kick your fucking TV. He's just so smug and confident in every dumb ass thing he says and it is so goddamn painful.

So don't watch him? Believe me, I actually do go out of my way not to listen to him. If he's on, I'd find another game, which isn't really a problem to begin with, since I usually watch CBC from the get-go. I was found recently subjecting myself to his bullshit tonight, I had to. The Islanders were playing on TSN (it's 2-2 right now) against Buffalo and got ready to sit down and watch. Maguire is on the job...for some reason I thought it would be okay. No.

It's not just the things he says...its also how unnecessarily excited he gets...and his fucking asinine "Monsters of the Game". If he says something correct he sounds like its a huge revelation and it should go in one of his articles...when its usually common sense. Alternatively, its something so wrong its like he's not even watching the game and just giving Gord Miller head underneath the desk.

Besides the fact that I hate the dude. He made a brutal call on the game I am watching right now, which pretty much tempted me to write this during the intermission. Jason Blake got blatantly checked from behind by Teppo Numminen. Teppo is a good guy, he doesn't do stupid shit...but in this instance, he pushed Blake headfirst into the boards and Blake went down. Maguire chimes in by saying that Teppo shouldn't get a penalty because it wasn't a crushing hit....that Teppo is not a dirty player and he didn't mean to. What the fuck? Who cares what kind of player he's considered? He fucking pushed a player with his head down, half a foot away from the boards. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a crushing hit...but it's not like he love-tapped him either....he was on the move. Still, you don't do that shit. Either way, Maguire should think for a second before he says anything and if what comes out of his mouth makes any sense.

Anyway. Fuck...3-2 Sabres. Barely 2 minutes in. Isles' defense is so useless.

3 things I have major beef with..

First: I went to Subway today, and ordered a turkey breast sub. Nothing out of the ordinary. So we're going through the usual routine of picking the bread then him putting the meat on it. Finally we arrive at the cheese selection process. Seriously man, those cheese slices are triangles for a fucking reason. It should be common knowledge that two triangles of this cheese make a form similar to a parrallelogram(bent rectangle for you retards). The goal is to get maximum cheese distribution so as to enjoy cheese in every bite of your sub. For some reason, this idiot is unable to see the dynamics of cheese and places each slice so it looks like the teeth on dinosaurs you drew as a kid. This means NO cheese in some places and DOUBLE cheese in others! TRAVESTY!

Second: At work, people are constantly bringing me items they'd like to buy and asking how much they are. A typical encounter goes something like this:

guy: Hi there!, can you tell me how much this is?

me: Hey! Sure thing(much enthused)! Just give me a sec here!

guy: Sure!

me: hmm seems someone ripped the pricetag off this...I'll just try and find it on the computer...hmm i'm not finding it here..

guy: Really? So it must be free then? heh heh

me: yeah...must be...heh..yeah i can't give it to you free

guy: hey that's ok i'm just kidding

FUCK YOU guy.

Third, Best Buy phones me about my broken laptop today and says: yeah it looks like we're going to have to do a system restore, but it's not covered by your warranty. That'll be 60$. Also if you want any files recovered and backed up, that'll be another 60$. So..(calculating)...that'll be 120$.
Warranties should be one piece of paper labelled: if it breaks, we'll fix it. Buy the warranty, and we'll fix it every time. This is such complete bullcrap.
Don't fuck everyone over with separate warranties for different parts.


Yeah, needless to say, I'm a little on the crazy/mad side today.

Zach Attack!

In the wake of Zach Johnson triumphantly winning the Green Jacket at Augusta last Sunday, one might ask what the future holds for the major-winning Jesus-freak. Well, here's an idea.

Sunday, April 8 2007:
After the ensuing 'hoopla' that followed his win, Zach Johnson attended a celebration in his honor at the clubhouse. He is congratulated by many of his fellow players and family. Tiger Woods is not in attendance cause he's an asshole.

Monday, April 9 2007:
Johnson awakes in his hotel next to his wife. The baby is awake. After completing his fatherly duties, Johnson sits back and revels about his victory the day before. He wonders if it was simply a dream or reality. He heads to the washroom to shower and get ready for the day ahead of him and spends a solid 12 minutes flexing in the mirror with the Green Jacket on.

April 20 2008:
It has been over year since Zach Johnson's Masters victory and things aren't going that great. Though he hasn't won since then, things are starting to look up. He had a top 10 finish last month. That was pretty sweet. Zach assumes he's just going through a rough patch and assumes things will all start coming together like they did last year. He wonders if he should stop flexing in the mirror with the Jacket everyday. Maybe it's bad luck.

March, 15 2010:
Zach Johnson has still not one an event since the 2007 Masters and is now wondering if another victory will ever happen. He seems to be playing worse. Since his top 10 in '08, Zach has only a top 25 to speak of and missing the cut now is no longer that big of a deal...he just laughs and hits the buffet. Zach's wife is getting a bit worried about him. She noted that he has gained 50 pounds since the Masters, he hasn't been attending church regularly and his attitude has seemed to take a bad turn. Zach thinks shes a bitch.

October, 4 2015:
Zach has given up golf. He spends most of his time eating and reminiscing of the good old days of the Nationwide Tour. He now weighs over 450 pounds and found out last week that he now has diabetes. His wife has left him and took the kids, Zach blames this on Jesus being a "prick" and hasn't been to church since. Plus he started to have difficulty fitting into the pews. His greatest accomplishment is no longer winning the Masters...its now simply getting out of bed in the morning on his first try. Zach is thinking about a comeback, although he hasn't picked up a club in months and sometime forgets the fact that he makes John Daly look healthy.

May, 21 2020:
Zach has died. Heart-attack, age 44. He was found dead with his head in a bowl of his favorite meal: spaghetti and M&Ms, topped with what is assumed to be some sort of custard. Funeral attendance was few, his wife had cut ties with him after he apparently tried to eat one of his children during one of his weekend visits. Most of his family had disowned him due to his constant hatred towards everyone and also due to the fact he had trouble with door frames. He asked to be buried, but digging a hole that size would be extravagant, so cremation was done without any objection from his family. His ashes were filled to the brim of a water cooler jug and were buried in his hometown cemetery. He will be remembered as a kind, loving and compassionate family man...who then became a menacing fat piece of shit who no one liked.
In loving memory...
Zach Johnson
(1976-2020)

KD

The Anytime Meal of champion butt-fuckers?
maybe
a basketball player making a dumb decision?
i guess we'll see

In this post, I will discuss viewpoints from both TBF and Man Hole. To summarize both arguments:

pro-draft KD: 1.guaranteed money 2. higher skill level development
non pro-draft KD:1. body not able to handle NBA stress yet 2. No position he would excel at 3. guaranteed number one overall next year if he waits.


it's tough to tell, but you need to weigh the odds that he'll get injured next year. Though very unlikely, there's always a chance. and if he got injured bad in college next year, well he'd be f'd in the a for the draft and lose a chance at big money. His skillz will develop either way, although better yet differently at the NBA level. He isn't big enough to be able to the same things he did against college players, so he'd have to adjust the way he plays, then readjust when he packs on the muscle(like me). He would most definitely be a bench-rider for the first year until he could figure a position to play. He's guaranteed huge money but will lose out on the chance for a national championship, develop naturally and play basketball at the top of his game.

Should he get injured badly whilst remaining in college, well, he'll lose everything and be spending the rest of his day eating the Anytime Meal for which he was named, because he sure won't be able to afford the high-priced macaroni-a-la-mode-with-la-sauce-du-fromage(ooo yeah it's delish!) he would get in the fancy NBA. And he for sure wouldn't be able to be a champion butt-fucker if he wasn't in the NBA. No anal gangbang parties for you Kevin Durant, just you, michael olowokandi and a nine-inch dildo(with balls!).

Lindsey's piss poor Blog post

In rebuttal to the previous completely hair brained post, I present a myriad of reasons why Kevin Durant made the right decision by declaring for the draft.

1. Money. I'm assuming KD will make money similar to what LeBron James made when he was a rookie, which is the rookie maximum. Since I'm not a completely useless piece of shit, I looked this particular number up. It was 4,018,000. Since the salary cap has grown a little since then, I think Durant will make around 4.5 million. This is of course peanuts compared to the 20 million he's guaranteed from Nike. You never know if your knee is going to explode like Shaun Livingston's did there a month ago.

2. Improvement. Playing another year in college is a waste of time for Big Kev. He's already completely dominant. He will improve way, way more in the NBA playing against guys who are in his league talent wise.

And since a myriad is best defined as "two", I will stop there. But I have more if you ask me.

Kevin Durant's Piss Poor Decision

I really don't even have anything valid to back that title up, but I'll give it 110%.

First off, I think he needs at least 2 more years of college just so he has time to get up around 160 pounds. He's going to need braces on every joint in his body just to prevent them from falling off.

Second, I have no idea what position the kid's going to play in the NBA (ya that's right, I called him a kid). Small forward? I don't think he can play either guard spot (sure as hell can't play point), and he would get broken into pieces in the post. He may have dominated college, but he didn't play against anybody his height with a hint of athletic ability. Note: That statement could be completely false. I have no idea who he played against, it's just an assumption.

Third, he goes first overall if he waits just one more year. I saw a report today saying Oden is going to declare pretty soon here, so top spot is locked up there. Durant might not be in it for the money, but who doesn't want to go first overall in the draft? You get shitloads of money.

That's all I can think of. Other than that, good for you Kevin. I hope you bring a championship to Boston.

Or Memphis.

NBA Rules are Useless

Sadly, the most enforced rule in the NBA is one put in place by the commissioner because he's scared of black people. I think they're old enough to dress however they want. I don't even think 95% of them are dangerous in any way. Hell, they don't even have a guy close to Pac Man's league (although Ron Artest is trying). Instead, David Stern could start worrying about the lack of officiating during the games. Maybe that would get the black people to quit! Here's my list of shit they need to start enforcing:

1. Travelling: Now I know that calling this would mean a whistle every 5 seconds, but it's just ridiculous. I'm pretty sure I could take a 6-step approach to dunk the ball, and I'm white. Not only should they call it for dunks and such, but when they catch the damn ball on the perimeter they take 3 steps before stopping.
2. Early Entry on Free Throws: Okay this one is basically just because I hate watching Jason Kidd run in from the 3-point line before the guy releases the ball. If they called him for it every time, not only would he have 60 less triple-doubles, but the other team would make 10 extra free throws per game. Fuckin' cheater.
3. Offensive 3 Seconds: Not only is it unfair that Shaq is 150 pounds heavier than everybody else, but he's allowed to sit in the key for 12 seconds to get position. And to make matters worse for the defense, if they lean a little too hard on his back while they're getting elbows to the shnoz, they get called for a foul. P.S. It's not just Shaq that does it, he's just taken advantage of it the best
4. Moving Screens: Even though Steve Nash and Amare live off of them, pick and rolls are impossible to guard when the screener boxes out the defender. That's not a screen, that's bullshit. More bullshit is when the big man chest bumps the defending point guard the whole way down the court. Just because he has his hands in the air does not mean he isn't setting a blatantly illegal screen.

I blame female referees.

Thanks to some gentle badgering by Riley, I have realized that those Jays recaps completely sucked. They read like bad newspaper articles. So, in their stead, I think I might just write something in between each series to kind of document the flow of the season and how things are going. To start it off, I only have two things to say today.

Alex Rios and Aaron Hill are driving the offense from the 6 and 7 holes. This is worrisome on many levels. While it is great that we have reliable hitters at the bottom of the order to extend rallies, production is still needed from the heart because there will be nights when Hill and Rios go 1-8 and 0-8 and such. Glaus pitched in tonight but I think this point is still valid.

This also ties in with the above complaint. Pull your socks up Frank Thomas. JP didn't sign you to hit for average, I know, but this 1-4 bullshit is wearing on me. We need more than warning track shots from you.

Back at home tommorrow against the Tigers. Mike Maroth vs. Tomo Ohka. Godspeed

A Golb: Playoff Preview

With the final games of the season just wrapping up, it's now that time of the year that everyone (in Canada) lives for. The Stanley Cup Playoffs. And you know what that means? Stanley Cup Playoff Previews! Oh, and maybe a prediction or two.

Now in case there's some of you who don't know the teams involved in the playoffs. Relax. I'll be mentioning them here. But you really should already know, I mean, you are a hockey fan right? Why else would you have gotten to the end of the second paragraph?

Or maybe you just don't watch the NHL until the playoffs. I've heard of people like that. In that case, maybe these predictions will help you seem smarter to all your hockey-enthused friends and maybe they might deem you worthy to take part in their exciting hockey arguments like who would win a face-off between Tyler Arnason and Trevor Letowski.

Right on.

Okay, here they are. I just want to mention in advance that I AM a New York Islanders fan. I don't know why and I don't know how. But I am. Maybe its because I thought they had pretty jerseys. Either way, there will be no bias.



Western Conference


(1) Detroit Red Wings vs (8) Calgary Flames

The Wings are hot right now and their only weakness they have on their depth chart is a couple of key injuries to Bertuzzi, Chelios and Zetterberg. Regardless, they have superb depth throughout all their lines and its easy to see how they led the conference. Not only do the Wings have solid players filling their squad they also have loads of experience with the likes of Maltby, Holmstrom, Draper (who are all on the same line), Lidstrom and Schneider. Not to mention Dom Hasek between the pipes. The Wings young guns seem to be picking it up just at the right time as well and should give the team added exuberance.
The Flames have been to a Cup final recently and there are still members on the team who will use that experience to try and make things right this time. I'm just not convinced that this team is a better version than the 2004 version. They will definitely give the Wings a good run in the series, I don't doubt that. But beside their top line, I can't see any of the Flames potentially outplaying their counterparts. They have experience in Amonte, Friesen, Yelle and Warrener, but they will be hard-pressed to defeat a more rounded and skilled Detroit team. If they win, it will be because of tons of hard-work, smart checks and Miikka Kiprusoff.

Prediction: 4-2 Detoit


(2) Anaheim Ducks vs (7) Minnesota Wild

I think this series has the potential to be close, to be completely honest. I know the Ducks are a formidable team and own arguable two of the best defensemen in the league in Pronger and Niedermayer, but they seem to have trouble against the Wild all year. This is the playoffs however and its a whole new ball game, so in turn, I will give top marks to the Ducks offensive capabilities. They have their superstar in Teemu Selanne, who will be counted on for a steady flow of offense in the series (plus he's dynamite on the powerplay). What's even better than their offense is their defense. Minus Pronger and Niedermayer, they have a great, hard-checking defensive corps with Beauchemin, O'Donnell and Jackman. Goaltending is a slight question mark with Giguere being out, but Bryzgalov is proven and will not necessarily be a downgrade for the team in the series. With that said, these games might come down to him.
The Wild were relentless in their bid for a playoff spot and were rewarded with the seventh seed. This is mostly due to the return of Marian Gaborik, who is absolutely phenomenal when paired with Demitra. Side note: When I heard of the signing of Pavol at the start of the season I concluded that the Art Ross should be handed to Gaborik, no questions asked. Didn't happen. Probably because both those guys are made of poorly made glass. Anyway, expect Lemaire to continue his suffocating defensive tactics in this series and still lose. Not just because he's French either.

Prediction: 4-3 Ducks


(3) Vancouver Canucks vs (6) Dallas Stars

Are you fucking serious? The Canucks made the playoffs? Third seed? Pff, now I know you're shitting me. This is what I would have been heard saying if I was not aware of anything that happened with the Canucks this year. No word of a lie, I totally expected Vancouver to be golfing right now if you asked me back in October. I know Luongo is great, possibly the best besides Brodeur, but I didn't think he'd steal more than a handful of games while the team in front of him shit down their leg the entire season. Well...I'm wrong. Luongo stole much more than a handful and the team in front of him played fairly well. Daniel and Henrik Sedin emerged as the teams new go-to guy(s), unseating Markus Naslund (what the fuck happend to him?). The team is overall decent and have played with heart and determination all year. They have a tough and underrated defense and will be helped by world-class goaltending. They won't score much as it is so if the Sedins aren't producing here...they're fucked. Seriously, who's gonna pick up the slack? Taylor Pyatt? Matt Cooke? Trevor Linden? Fuck, maybe 10 years ago.
The Dallas Stars have a solid team, as always and expect them to play the Canucks tight defensively and make good on most of their chances to score when they get them. They have some high quality snipers on the team and backed by another quality defense. Again, this series might come down to goaltending too...if it wasn't a yearly tradition for Marty Turco to choke. It's actually pretty funny how that always happens. But be sure with the likes of Modano, Nagy and Zubov this team won't just fade without potting a couple in. And by couple...I actually mean two.

Prediction: 4- 1 Canucks


(4) Nashville Predators vs (5) San Jose Sharks

Well I certainly thought Nashville would be higher than this. Their team is pretty stacked. Defense is a little young, but really...have you seen their top three lines (without injuries)? It's almost unfair. Still...they did fuck around the last few games of the year and got themselves the fourth seed that they probably deserve. Can't argue with Forsberg at all, proven playoff player, all-round sniper and he's been doing great lately. Gotta watch that ankle though, okay big guy? Because if you don't stay healthy and win a Stanley Cup for Nashville...Dave Poile is going to completely break your ankle off and beat you to death with it. Besides that...Kariya will add his scoring and play-making touch, David Legwand will try and build on the season he's having with a good playoff and I have a strange feeling Alexander Radulov will be a factor in this series. Plus, Vokoun is back now and if he falters they have superb back-up, Chris Mason to steer the team into the second round.
Oh, kind of gave away my prediction for this series with that last sentence. Whatever, its fine. The Sharks will undoubtedly ride their first line for success and since this is not NHL 06 and there is such thing as fatigue, then I'm going to assume they will have to resort to their depth at some point. Now don't get me wrong, they don't have a terrible team by any means...but it just isn't the type of team that will get you past the first round against a formidable Nashville team which is much better than it's fourth seed suggests. Also, I'm not sure whether Nabokov will choke or not but, like Nashville, they have a strong back-up. In the end, I think the Sharks need Thornton, Marleau and Cheech to get as many points as possible while they are on the ice...and depend on the rest of their team to hold then lead if they get it. Or hope Bill Guerin can find a time-machine.

Prediction: 4-1 Predators




Eastern Conference


(1) Buffalo Sabres vs New York Islanders

New York Islanders win in five.


Alright, no bias. But this is bullshit.


Probably the best team in the league, the Buffalo Sabres will most likely make quick work of the Islanders. With Briere, Drury, Vanek, Roy, Miller and others having great seasons its going to be quite the task for the Islanders to even win a game against the Sabres. Plus, Tim Connolly is returning and should add some extra creativity and skill to the mix...until he suffers his 8th concussion halfway through the second of game two. With that said, there really isn't a weakness on the Sabres' squad and are going to be quick. This should be easy for them.
Boy was I ever happy when Wade Dubielewicz poke-checked the hell out of Sergei Brylin to win the game and move onto the playoffs. I was so happy I shrieked like a 12 year old girl and then promptly pissed myself. What made it even awesomer is that by winning...the Isles totally fucked the Leafs. It was great. Anyway...the Isles have some quickness as well. Jason Blake. He's pretty fast. Aaron Asham too. So there. I think they have some great weapons on the team with Yashin (no longer "completely" useless), Ryan Smyth (what a steal), Blake, Satan and Poti. Also they will be much aided by the added experience and production of Mike Sillinger. Who might be around 50. Of course this would all be different if Ricky D was between the pipes. I'd be predicting an upset. Maybe.

Prediction: 4-2 Buffalo


(2) New Jersey Devils vs (7) Tampa Bay Lightning

New Jersey is a tight defensive team and is the proud owner of probably the greatest goaltender in the world right now. Great team on both sides of the puck, the Devils will be a force to be reckoned with. Patrik Elias, Brian Gionta and Brian Rafalski will be counted on for great performances in the series. Brodeur will do his thing and they should come away with this one. Probably early too. Side note: Watching TSN today...they had Jeremy Roenick on. The fucker predicts Tampa Bay to win the cup. What the fuck is wrong with him? He used to be great. Now he's just a slick, old, grease ball who sits back and makes retarded predictions....and repeats them in succession about 40 times cause no one responded to how dumb it was.
Tampa Bay is a lot like San Jose...one line...an okay defense...and a goalie who could fuck up and no one would be surprised. However, they do have the Rocket Richard trophy winner in their midst and that's gotta count for something. The line of Prospal, Lecavalier and St. Louis should continue their success...they are pretty much too good to be held completely scoreless. Again, like San Jose, they need to exploit that line and let the rest of the team do their jobs. They have a great role player in Tim Taylor and some young guys who can make a difference with Ryan Craig and Shane O'Brien. Though, still...can they beat Brodeur?

Prediction: 4-1 Devils


(3) Atlanta Thrashers vs (6) New York Rangers

Wow, the Thrashers have quite the collection of snipers. Kovalchuk, Hossa, Kozlov and then one fat/slow star in Keith Tkachuk. Most people have been arguing that Atlanta lacks depth past their first line, I agree I guess...but I don't find it as bad as other teams. I mean, they've got Scott Mellanby back there, Bobby Holik too, Jonny Sim is underrated in my opinion...Eric Boulton. Kari Lehtonen is decent and has played healthy enough to get Atlanta to the playoffs, so thats not half bad. But yeah, I think the Thrashers definitely have a shot. You don't think so? You're telling me you're going to doubt Eric Boulton?
The Rangers are assholes and they deserve bad thing that has ever happened to them. But hey, they finished the season red hot and look to use that momentum to upset the Thrashers in round one. Jagr and Nylander will be the main threats here, with Straka and Shanny bringing the added scoring touches and extra experience. The rest of their team is pretty deep which is why I'm kind of debating who to pick here. Besides that, I thought the signing of Sean Avery was great and he's been a perfect fit for the Rangers all year. They're all dickheads anyway, why not add one more. Even though he is a head of dick...I kind of like the way Avery plays, plus he does chip in on the score sheet regularly. Goaltending will not be an issue, Henrik Lundqvist has been sublime so far and I think he'll do a great job. For being a dickhead.

Predicition: 4 - 3 Thrashers


(4) Ottawa Senators vs (5) Pittsburgh Penguins

To give you an idea of how this series is beginning...the Senators coach, Bryan Murray, just called his team the underdogs. Well, if he needs to ignore basic facts to get his team fired up then he should go for it, but if anyone has anything to prove its the Pittsburgh Penguins, who are in the playoffs thanks to a few of teenagers. Back to the Senators. Lethal top line that contains one of the best snipers, Dany Heatley, a great passer, Jason Spezza and a mixture of both with Alfredsson. Also, of course, the Sens have depth throughout their lines and should get far into the playoffs. If they weren't notorious for choking all the goddamn time...but I guess the Leafs aren't in it this year, so maybe that will help. I'm not entirely sold on this Ray Emery either. We'll have to see how he fares this series...but I bet we see Gerber at some point.
Pittsburgh has the league's top scorer and best rookie and have finally made the playoffs again. At least we finally know they're improving, but taking 2 first overalls and 1 second picks to do so is pretty rediculous. Having a great team is one thing...but having a great, young team is better. Crosby, Malkin, Staal, Christensen, Talbot, Fleury, it doesn't end. Plus one of the best offensive d-men in the league in Sergei Gonchar. No, I think its safe to say they should be set for awhile. Not without experience either, the Pens can rely on Roberts and Recchi for leadership throughout their playoff. Maybe the Sens are the underdogs.

Prediction: 4-2 Pittsburgh



Alright, there you have it. The playoff preview. It is now 6:00 AM and I'm going to go get some more coffee. Then head to school. Then work. Then put my head in the oven.

TSN are a bunch of cockbags

Here's something that aggravates me. Why do TV networks say they're going to show something and then not show it? TSN said they were going to show a replay of the game between Valencia and Chelsea tonight at 10. It's on the guide and even their website. I planned my whole day around watching this particular game. I avoided scores and the whole deal. Then I sit down in my easy chair at around 9:55 and switch to TSN, making sure not to look at the ticker, just in case. SportsCentre is on. 10 rolls around. After a commercial it's still SportsCentre. What the fuck? I think. Turns out SportsCentre, the same goddamn loop they repeat 14 times every day is on until 1030. Not only that, they feel the need to show highlights of the game which sent me scrambling to the remote to change the channel. Thankfully, I didn't see any goals.

In a maneuver that partially redeemed themselves, TSN put the soccer game on at 1030. But I was still pissed off because they started it at the 25 minute mark. Why would you plan to broadcast a sporting event and then not show the first third of it? I guess they would rather just show the highlights. Fucking retards

The NBA's Finest

Since nobody actually watches NBA games, I figured I would pick out the best ones and give quick recaps. Having only looked at a box score or two, these could be completely inaccurate and ridiculous.

Boston Celtics 96, Atlanta Hawks 104

With nothing but dignity on the line, Atlanta managed to pull off an impressive home victory against the surging Celtics. Both teams looked to the bench for a late miracle run to the playoffs, leaving all the tremendously talented players to watch this game from the sidelines.

Tyrone Lue was the high scorer for the Hawks with 26, which is embarassing considering it's Tyrone Lue. Gerald Green, the undeserving winner of the Slam Dunk Contest, scored 33 in a losing cause.

New Jersey Nets 96, Washington Wizards 92

I accidentally changed the channel during the Blue Jays game and found this gem. Now I didn't get to watch much of it because nothing beats a Josh Towers - Zach Greinke matchup, but what I saw cracked me up.

Since Gilbert Arenas got cut from the US National Team, I've hated him with a passion. I'm not even sure why, maybe it's because deep down I feel the numbers 0 and 00 should be retired by the NBA to honour Greg Ostertag. Anyway, without Agent Double Zero, the Wizards looked almost scared to shoot. It's understandable considering they're used to being yelled at if they don't look for Arenas before shooting, but it just made me so happy knowing the Raptors might get to play them in the first round.

As for the game, Vince Carter probably took a 5-step approach for a breakaway dunk, Jason Kidd disobeyed league rules as usual by running in early from the 3-point line on a free throw to grab the rebound (fuck him, his triple-doubles are all tainted!), and Antawn Jamison proved once again that he is the greatest Tar Heel ever.

Indiana Pacers 86, Philadelphia 76ers 90

Somehow both of these teams are still in the playoff race, which makes this game at least a bit interesting. If I was a player on either team though, I would be trying to lose to avoid an abortion in the first round of playoffs.

Now I refuse to follow a team that thinks they are better without Allen Iverson, so I'm not sure why Korver and Iguodala didn't play. Lucky for them, Indiana shot a solid 33% with offensive powerhouse Danny Granger going 2 for 17 from the field.

All Philadelphia needs now is for Orlando to lose the rest of their games while winning all of their own. Good luck...bastards.

Other Scores:

• Miami Heat 82, Charlotte Bobcats 92
• Sacramento Kings 112, Memphis Grizzlies 100
• Los Angeles Clippers 100, New Oklahoma City Hornets 103
• New York Knicks 69, Chicago Bulls 98

The Out of Town Scoreboard

So I came up with a new name for this. The Out of Town Scoreboard. I heard that on the radio once.

Jays 3, Kansas City Royals 6

The Blue Jays fell to the Royals tonight as Zack Greinke held off his social anxiety disorder for long enough to shut down the Jays potent lineup.

Josh Towers started for the Jays and pitched reasonably well. He seemed to have good command of all his pitches and was spotting his fastball, which he needs to do to have success. He also had some good, late break on that little slider he throws. It also seemed like he struck a lot of guys out when there were runners in scoring position which is always a good thing. Josh's final line was 5.2, 1o H, 6 R, 6 K, 0 BB. 6 runs seems like a lot in 5.2 innings, yes, but only 3 were earned as the D betrayed him with four (4) errors. The big defensive lapse was Glaus' shitty throw in the 6th which Alex Gordon belted out to right for his first Major League home run. Towers never made it out of the inning as he allowed a double and a triple before Gibbons told him to hit the showers. Downs came in but shit the bed, allowing a base knock to David DeJesus to score the runner from third. Downs did recover to pitch a flawless 7th before Shaun Marcum came in for two good innings.

The offense never really got going tonight. A leadoff double by Rios was wasted. The Jays wouldn't threaten again until the fifth when Jason Smith, playing short for Clayton, was singled in from second by Rios. Aaron Hill and Greg Zaun kept their bats hot as they doubled and homered, respectively, to cut the lead to three in the seventh inning. This was all the Jays could muster though, and they went quietly in the last couple at-bats.

Positives : Towers pitched real good after being concerned that he did not have enough work (which makes sense because he had none). Although he gave up 10 H in only 5 plus innings, about 5 of them were cheap hits that were blooped over the infield. Also of a positive tone was the 2-4 outing that Rios had tonight. Hitting leadoff because Johnson was on the bench (more on this later), Rios got on base twice and even drove in a run.

Causes for concern: First of all, why the fuck would Gibbons start Stairs, Smith, and Jason Phillips in one game. I understand getting your bench some work. As Tabler said during the game, you can't have these guys sitting around for a week and then expect them to win a game with a pinch hit. Putting them all in at once reeks of stupidity though. Why not sub them in like one at a time ? There's a reason they aren't starting. To counter my own point, those three went 3-10 compared to a 5-25 from the rest of the lineup. Gibbons did give Zaun a PH at bat which he predictably turned into a 2-run tater. Besides retarded managing, causes for concern include the 4 errors and a complete lack of hitting from the middle of the order. Overbay, Vern, Frank, and Glaus were a combined 1-16 with 6 K's. That is simply unacceptable from those guys. Give Greinke credit however as he got them swinging on a lot of junk. Which is probably another cause for concern, but that's for another day.

Men of the Match: Rios for the 2-4 day he had leading off. Greg Zaun for the pinch hit homer that got the Jays in the game.

Vince Young mental aptitude award: John Gibbons for benching half of the fucking starting lineup.

A dumb weekly comic? maybe

man oh man it would suck if the pistons met the spurs in the NBA finals.
Note the speed lines behind the car to make it look like its going super fast

Blue Jays: Greatest Team Ever?

As I write this, the Toronto Blue Jays are tops of the East Division in what can only be described as an absolute butt-fucking of their rival teams. I will point out the obvious and say that this marks the certain end of the Jays playoff drought. No? Two words: Reed Johnson. Believe me. Just because he has a dick-duster doesn't mean he can't hit the ball.

There are probably some of you out there that might be the hypercritical type and argue that only six games have been played. Fuck you. Do you assholes know anything about baseball? Are you all retarded? Because no one knows more about this shit than me. Case closed.

Proof?

I have three years of Yahoo! Free Fantasy League Baseball under my belt, and won once. Can't argue with a champion. So prepare to be educated.

The Jays have won four games...out of six. Serious. Might as well hand them the pennant. I predict they continue their winning ways and finish the season 108-54. That should be good enough to capture the division. Vernon Wells will end his campaign with 55 home runs, Reed Johnson should tally around 191 RBIs and over 50 stolen bases. That's pretty much good enough to get into the Hall of Fame right there. Roy Halladay will set the league on fire with 299 strikeouts. B.J. Ryan will barely miss Eric Gagne's saves record. Which counts for shit in my books. Finally, Gustavo Chacin will drive while drunk at least two more times, possibly killing a small asian familly.

These predictions can't go wrong in my opinion, and I think if you all do your research (Use: Blue Jays Stat Page, calculator) you will begin to notice that maybe my foresight is much better than you thought. Yeah. Thought so.

The T.O. round-up

And here it is. The inaugural post in what could very well become a daily feature at this here golb: The Toronto sports round-up. I know, I know, the name is terrible.

Jays 9, Kansas City Royals 1

The Bluebirds layed the smack down on those candy-ass jabronies from Kansas City.

The good version of Allan James Burnett showed up (mostly) for the home-opener as he held KC to 3 hits in 6 and two-thirds. He did, however, get a little out of control at times and let the Royals load the bases in both the second and third innings but the infield turned two to get out of the second, and Alex Gordon and his .045 average struck out to end the third. How do you load the bases twice while only giving up three hits? You walk three batters and hit two more. After that little rough patch AJ went on cruise control until the seventh when John Buck hit a solo homer on a fastball that was served up on the inner half. All-in-all a good outing for Burnett after his disastrous first start of the year. The power-curve was hitting the zone for strikes and getting guys to go fishing in the dirt for it. He also had good command of the change. His heater went as high as 97 mph, and was clocked at 95 as late as the 7th. The one cause for concern was a little lack of control on the fastball, but nothing that can't be fixed. The even better part was that after the game Aaron Hill said that AJ didn't bring his best stuff today. Hopefully we'll see it next time out, which should be at home against Detroit on Saturday. As for the 'pen, Downs and Zambrano both pitched masterfully for short times. Accardo had a tough inning but got away unscathed. Accardo's stuff seemed alright, but he was also a little wild.

As for the lineup, they got the bats going right from the get go with three singles in the first, leading to Vernon Wells getting thrown out at the plate to end the inning. The next inning the Jays managed to load the bases before a Reed Johnson single scored one and a double down the first base line by Overbay cleared the bases. Overbay's double was actually controversial as a dumbass fan reached over the thing and grabbed the ball before the right fielder could pick it up, leading to a ground rule double. The argument was over whether or not Johnson would have scored from first. The ump ruled he would have, and Buddy Bell was tossed in the ensuing argument. Vern hit a homer in the fourth, and the Jays scored three in the fifth with some help from a wild pitch.

A good game for Toronto, but keep in mind it was KC and Odalis Perez. It's always good to win 9-1 though, no matter who it's against.

Men of the match : Aaron Hill for a sublime 3-3, 2 RBI, 1 BB performance
AJ Burnett for a solid outing (6.2, 3 H, 1ER, 3 BB, 5 K)

Zack Greinke vs. Josh Towers tommorrow at the 'Dome. Should be a wild one.

Raptors 111, Minnesota Timberwolves 100

The Raps outscored the T'Wolves by 17 in the fourth to come away with their fourth straight win. Toronto shot 6-9 from beyond the arc in the last quarter.

They also survived a sub par game from Mr. Raptor himself, Chris Bosh. Bosh had only 16 points, but did snag 13 boards.

Toronto held KG to just 17 as he went 7-23.

Every player who dressed for Toronto got at least 6 minutes of action and the bench had 32 points.

Calderon and Parker each hit the dagger threes down the stretch.

The Raps pulled to within one game of the Bulls for second in the East, which would assure home court advantage in the first two rounds.

Men of the Match: TJ Ford (17 PTS, 10 AST, 4 Reb)
Anthony Parker (24 PTS, 5/13 from 3, 4 AST)
Calderon for being the man in the fourth as usual (20 mins, 12 PTS, 7 AST)

Next up for Toronto: Home vs. Detroit this Friday (THE 13TH!?) The triumphant return of Andrea Bargnani. Hooray!

A preview for Champions

The UEFA Champions League resumes tuesday with a pair of scrumptious matches, each featuring a powerful English squad against some other team.

Chelsea @ Valencia (1 - 1)

The teams go in on level footing after a 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge last week. Valencia played a good road game, and despite holding only 41% of the possession managed to limit Chelsea's opportunities. One breakdown led to Didier Drogba's 30th goal of the campaign in the 53rd which equalized the game after a David Silva wonderstrike in the 30th minute.

Fernando Morientes, Valencia's leading scorer in the competition thus far, returns from a shoulder injury. Although he may not get the start, the veteran striker will surely help the team as they are still missing a large part of their midfield. Vicente, Ruben Baraja, and Edu are all out with various boo-boos. On the injury front for the Blues, Michael Essien will return from a knee injury to play against Valencia. Dutch midfielder Arjen Robben remains sidelined however, also with a knee injury.

Forwards : Chelsea have the advantage upfront. Drogba has been the best striker in the world this season, and Shevchenko is no slouch. Solomon Kalou is also more than capable of putting one in. Expect David Villa to be the only forward for Valencia as they try to prevent goals. The aforementioned Morientes is available if need be.

Midfield : The advantage once again goes to Chelsea. The sublime midfield of Lampard, Ballack, Essien, and two of Mikel, Joe Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips, or Lassana Diarra is second to none in world football. The Spanish side has a depleted midfield at the moment and will be relying on Albelda, Raul Albiol, Joaquin, David Silva and most likely Miguel Angulo.

Defenders: As strong as John Terry is, I have to give this one to Valencia. Ayala, former Blue Del Horno, and Luis Miguel are all very stauch at the back. Ashley Cole is more of an attacking defender for Chelsea, and although Ricardo Carvalho is a rock, Valencia still has the upper hand. In net, Petr Cech is considered one of the best in the world, but Canizares can more than hold his own as well for Valencia.

Key Players: Valencia - Del Horno and Miguel. They need another good performance from the two centre backs if they wish to keep Chelsea off the board.

Chelsea - Andriy Shevchenko. If the Ukrainian can return to his AC Milan form of a couple years ago, it could be a long day for the defense as they try to keep him, Drogba, and the rest of the defending Premiership champs at bay.

Verdict: Expect Valencia to sit back and let Chelsea come to them. With the lead on away goals at the moment, Valencia should play very defensively as they tend to do all the time anyway. Chelsea is a very tired team as they continue to strive towards the Premiership title and the FA Cup, along with the Champions League. This has not allowed them to rest many key players down the stretch. Valencia, on the other hand, more or less sacrificed a win in the Primera as they rested for this game. I also expect a raucous crowd to be on hand at La Mestalla as they persuade Valencia to hold on. Even though Chelsea has more talent, I see a stellar defensive performance from Valencia as they win 1-0 on a late, counterattack goal from Joaquin that crushes the English superpower.

AS Roma @ Manchester United

Since I neither know nor care about this game let's just skip to the end.

Verdict : Man U rebounds from a dreadful first-leg performance, in which they deserved much worse than a 2-1 loss, to win 2-0 on goals by that uncouth Englishman Wayne Rooney and his svelte, Norweigian strike partner, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. United simply has too much talent to be losing to teams of Roma's caliber in such important matches, especially at Old Trafford.

Box office travesty

Blades of Glory, an okay comedy, took tops at the box office this weekend, followed by Meet the Robinsons(a cartoon), Are We Done Yet?(starring none other than Ice Cube), and then finally Grindhouse.

I have much beef with this, mainly the fact Grindhouse did worse than the dipshit movie with Ice Cube. who would see that movie? the first one was a complete diarrheafest and for some reason they made a sequel. That trailer with a screaming deer makes me want to punch my tv. Ill give that Grindhouse didn't do too much to show anyone what its actually about, but no way it should ever lose out to Ice Cube.
And as long as you make a cartoon movie it seems you automatically get to at least number 3.

Zach Johnson wins and loses

Congratulations to Zach Johnson, who won the masters, but more importantly, was charged with sexually molesting a small boy who he proclaimed to be his "baby." After finishing his golf game, he proceeded to pull a young boy out of the crowd and makeout with it for a couple minutes. Said a source i made up: "He was all over that poor kid, it was deplorable. I think i even saw a finger or two make it's way into the back of the diaper." Johnson seemed to think he did nothing wrong, saying: "Whatever, I just won the masters, I do what i want."

Johnson is out on 200,000$ bail and will appear in court on may 25th

NHL Playoffs are set

With the isles beating the devils, toronto's effort last night was all for naught. The devils decided to start clemmenson instead of brodeur, thereby assuring the isles of winning. The devils scored with a teeny bit of time left, but went on to lose 3-2 in a shootout.

So finally all the matchups are assured. The race for playoff spots seemed really ridiculous this year. No spot was assured with 3 games left. Every team was so close to each other and this year more than any other year in other sport, I have no frickin idea whos going to beat who. This is a stark contrast to the NBA, where a bottom seed beating a top seed is almost unheard of.

I don't know which i like better, having no clue in hell who will win, or knowing the final 4 teams that will play for the championship.

Easter is tomorrow...or today i guess because it's 12:49

Easter is today and i love it. Chocolate is far and away the best form that sugar could take. And by far its best derivative is a creme egg. Fucking balls those things are good. If they weren't something like a 1$ per egg I'd eat a boatload. I especially can't wait until april when they're down to 25 cents or something deadly like that.

whats in creme eggs? i think its pure liquefied sugar with icing to make it thicker.

Today in the NHL

today the nhl playoffs were more or less wrapped with all of the top 7 seeds securing their places in the playoffs (maybe im wrong). but it seems as though most of the matchups are set.

I was really looking forward to watching the leafs play the canadiens but apparently the game started a lot earlier than i was informed of. I had a two hour nap and when i awoke and saw that there were 7 minutes left in the game. I was all like FUCK!

At least i got to watch the end, which was okay. If new jersey can beat the isles, then the leafs go through. tough to say who will actually get the last spot though.