Friday, April 13, 2007

Zach Attack!

In the wake of Zach Johnson triumphantly winning the Green Jacket at Augusta last Sunday, one might ask what the future holds for the major-winning Jesus-freak. Well, here's an idea.

Sunday, April 8 2007:
After the ensuing 'hoopla' that followed his win, Zach Johnson attended a celebration in his honor at the clubhouse. He is congratulated by many of his fellow players and family. Tiger Woods is not in attendance cause he's an asshole.

Monday, April 9 2007:
Johnson awakes in his hotel next to his wife. The baby is awake. After completing his fatherly duties, Johnson sits back and revels about his victory the day before. He wonders if it was simply a dream or reality. He heads to the washroom to shower and get ready for the day ahead of him and spends a solid 12 minutes flexing in the mirror with the Green Jacket on.

April 20 2008:
It has been over year since Zach Johnson's Masters victory and things aren't going that great. Though he hasn't won since then, things are starting to look up. He had a top 10 finish last month. That was pretty sweet. Zach assumes he's just going through a rough patch and assumes things will all start coming together like they did last year. He wonders if he should stop flexing in the mirror with the Jacket everyday. Maybe it's bad luck.

March, 15 2010:
Zach Johnson has still not one an event since the 2007 Masters and is now wondering if another victory will ever happen. He seems to be playing worse. Since his top 10 in '08, Zach has only a top 25 to speak of and missing the cut now is no longer that big of a deal...he just laughs and hits the buffet. Zach's wife is getting a bit worried about him. She noted that he has gained 50 pounds since the Masters, he hasn't been attending church regularly and his attitude has seemed to take a bad turn. Zach thinks shes a bitch.

October, 4 2015:
Zach has given up golf. He spends most of his time eating and reminiscing of the good old days of the Nationwide Tour. He now weighs over 450 pounds and found out last week that he now has diabetes. His wife has left him and took the kids, Zach blames this on Jesus being a "prick" and hasn't been to church since. Plus he started to have difficulty fitting into the pews. His greatest accomplishment is no longer winning the Masters...its now simply getting out of bed in the morning on his first try. Zach is thinking about a comeback, although he hasn't picked up a club in months and sometime forgets the fact that he makes John Daly look healthy.

May, 21 2020:
Zach has died. Heart-attack, age 44. He was found dead with his head in a bowl of his favorite meal: spaghetti and M&Ms, topped with what is assumed to be some sort of custard. Funeral attendance was few, his wife had cut ties with him after he apparently tried to eat one of his children during one of his weekend visits. Most of his family had disowned him due to his constant hatred towards everyone and also due to the fact he had trouble with door frames. He asked to be buried, but digging a hole that size would be extravagant, so cremation was done without any objection from his family. His ashes were filled to the brim of a water cooler jug and were buried in his hometown cemetery. He will be remembered as a kind, loving and compassionate family man...who then became a menacing fat piece of shit who no one liked.
In loving memory...
Zach Johnson