Boners for Batman, Shriveled for Spencer, and Other Recent Rumblings

Since I have incredibly little time to post on here, savor this.

-The Dark Knight keeps getting new trailers. I know you already know this, but I'm 100% sure this movie will be the fucking best movie of the year. By FAR. But in recent days I've thought about all the trailers and teasers they keep putting out. It's starting to get to be too many. I can't resist watching them when they come out, but dammit...I don't want to see the entire movie before I can get into a Batman zone. Showing me a cool clip in the middle of another TV show throws me off my game.

-I saw a clip of Spencer Pratt on FilmDrunk the other day, and he's a fucking idiot. I feel like an idiot mentioning his name here because he has absolutely no reason to be talked about at all. He's some douchebag on The Hills. Letterman rips into him pretty good about being nothing, but Spencer is one of those guys who don't realize they are hated almost universally by average people. He refers to himself as a partner for aspiring rappers(as a job) and says he gets 100,000 to go to clubs. He won't go to a club for less than 100,000. Fuck him.

-You know, there are a lot of shitty commercials on TV. A LOT. But I've found that Mr. Sub is consistently able to put out very good commercials. They don't usually make a heap of sense, but they are always memorable and funny. Kudos to them. Rogers is still at their usual shitheadedness when it comes to commercials. I refuse to buy anything from them because of their bombarding me with these god-awful ads.

-I was in Superstore the other day, and as a former employee, I noticed their new monthly uniforms were long-sleeved collared shirts. I also noticed that everyone there has decided to roll up the sleeves, and not button the collared shirt completely. Every employee I saw had this. Many more had necklaces(guys) or other bullshit to make themselves think they look like a rebel or something. All I know is they were all going for a certain look, and they all failed. This isn't really a big deal, but I just want them to be miserable and all conform while I figure out if the lower fat ranch dressing is worth spending 47 more cents for.

-This is completely irrelevant to anyone's life, but the last couple times I've been at the gym, there has been this girl about my age who runs on the treadmill. She is moderately good-looking. Fake tans too much, bleaches her hair I'm guessing and is a little chubby. Anyways, she runs really intensely on the treadmill, like she's running a marathon. About half the time, she sets the treadmill on an incline and runs on that for a long time. Thing is, she holds on the handles at the front and just leans back on the treadmill so she's actually running straight, making the entire point of running on an incline useless. This goes on for 20 minutes or so and it just kills me whenever I happen to glance over. She looks so fucking stupid leaning all the way back, she has no clue she looks so dumb, and the exercise is completely useless. It's awesome.

Phillly: City of Brotherly Sex

Christ. I have been so lazy for the longest time. I can't even do a proper post on this shit heap....

Anyway, the fucking Canadiens. What bags of garbage.

I have to shave my fucking head now because they lost their series. Which is horseshit because Philly lost how many games down the stretch. Like 17, I think? Without a win? That's abysmal, teams should fold if that happens, let alone be allowed in the playoffs. Lord Jesus...IF ONLY those fucking abortions missed the playoffs. I would be so happy.

Not only that, I would have my hair right now. It wasn't even a bad bet at the time. Montreal was riding Price and brought them through game seven (mind you, I thought Boston was severely underrated and I knew it would go to 6 or 7). Even still, Philly's previous series was no picnic, and I thought Montreal was far superior. Most did actually, and I thought it was a sure bet that they would get past them...5...maybe 6 games tops. Not even.

Now I'm fucking bald. Which is just dynamite.

As of now, it looks like a dumb ass bet to make, but I didn't think Philly would ever win. I know they weren't that big of a long shot...but the Habs were a very consistent and talented team (if I could describe vaguely). Philly's second half of the season was fucking atrocious. I didn't expect the outcome, it really caught me by surprise. They went down 3-1 and I almost cried. Fuck those flaming cheese-steak eating pouch-lickers.

Flyers Fans



Anyway, I'm mad. My own fault? Yes. But fuck off.

Some explanations are that Price is was not near ready for the playoffs. It would have been picture perfect, though. Picture it, a young 'tender wins the Cup, à la Patrick Roy, Montreal goes crazy and the Cup is back in Canada (I know its Montreal, but fuck it). Even if that was a stretch, they should have beat Philly. I mean, all Philly is are a bunch of cheap-shotting cunts who rely on their off-and-on offence to win games. Which just happen to be on...as with Marty Biron (consistently for once). Obviously great for Philly...but who would have thought that? Maybe Riley, because he has a such a gaping wet spot for them. Or maybe he just loves Lindros...and his huge cunt.

Off topic

Fuck was he a bitch. Had one good year....and only because it was shortened due to a lockout...or else Scott Stevens would have sent him into a coma a few years early. Lindros is the Keyshawn Johnson of the NHL.

Back on...

Watching that series, Montreal had no fucking clue what they were doing. Which was not how they played in the previous series...even in a close one. They didn't deserve to win more than one game in the Philly one. It was embarrassing. But I still feel like I should express my resentment...

I mean, its Philly...they play so simple a child could dissect their shitty system and their defence is straight-up retarded. No exaggeration. They have as much hockey sense as a jar of smashed assholes.

Whatever...go Pittsburgh. Cindy Crosby and Malkin should take care of 'em. God knows Fleury won't. That dude must have sold his soul to the Devil to get into the Conference Finals.

People That Suck

At a normal, organized blog, I would probably just write these down and let Cock Cleaner put them in one of his "People I Hate" posts. Unfortunately, our blog blows and none of us know what is going on.

People who go to Sarcan with too few or too many cans/bottles

I went to Sarcan the other day with 1.5 bags of cans and 2 milk crates of bottles (parents may be borderline alcoholics). This managed to get me a pretty respectable 23 dollars - I consider anything over 20 dollars a success. But what I did means nothing, because I'm not fucking stupid like everyone else.

This place was packed. They had three lines going and it still had six people per line. Now that I think about it, I'm a bit of a moron for staying. There were people walking in there after me with TWO SMALL SHOPPING BAGS of cans. You know what that probably got them? One dollar and fifty fucking cents. Is $1.50 really worth forty-five minutes of your time?

Then there are the people with 13-14 bags and about six cases of some shit beer (like Black Ice). You do know that there's a limit on how much they can give you, right? They can't just give you the $300 or so that your shit is worth. Come to think of it, why the fuck are you saving your cans and bottles for so long? Is your life really that busy that you can't go to Sarcan every month or so when that 3rd bag fills up? Or are you just such a pile of shit that you drink 12 bags worth of cans in a month? Either way, die.

Also, why do people hate Sarcan workers so much? I always hear them getting ragged on, but I've had no problems with them. If anything, congratulate them for not killing themselves while they do the most monotonous job in the world. People that hate Sarcan workers also fuckin' suck.

Jays fans that boo their own players on a regular basis

First off, the Jays lost a heartbreaker tonight in 14 innings. Burnett got tagged with the loss (naturally) after the Jays ran out of relievers and had to toss him in there. The relief pitching was pretty fantastical, getting out of quite a few jams (a couple no outs, bases loaded situations).

On to the people that suck. I don't want to sound like Drunk Jays Fans and beak Toronto's fans, but they get fucking annoying sometimes. They regularly boo their own pitchers after walks - doesn't matter if it was a 10-pitch at-bat - and they boo after strikeouts. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know it sucks to watch your team fail, but it's one fucking out/walk. If The Big Hurt is 0-4 with 4 K's or Burnett walked the last 3 guys, a little boo might suffice, but don't do it every god damn time.

I also have a new beef with Jamie Campbell and Josh Hamilton (Rangers OF). I had no idea who the guy was until the last series the Jays had with them, but Campbell just loves to slobber all over his cock.

Campbell: And Josh Hamilton is up to the dish. This hot piece of ass doesn't even need a bat. He could just catch the ball with his bare hand and throw it over the fence. Look at those muscles...god...I just...goooooooo.

What a dick.

It's About Fucking Time

In the "what took you so long" department, we don't have to listen to Bryant Gumbel next year. As we discussed last football season, Gumbel appeared to be fucking awful at announcing football games.


Mock Draft Ver. 2.0

1. Miami - Jake Long - Fits need and makes more sense financially. 30 million for a defensive lineman is way over market value.

2. St. Louis - Chris Long - Least risky pick.

3. Atlanta - Matt Ryan - Joey Harrington and Chris Redman.

4. Oakland - Darren McFadden - Too good to pass up. This team might actually be good if JaMarcus is half decent.

5. Kansas City - Glenn Dorsey - Want Ryan or Jake Long so just go with best available.

6. New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - Could be their Merriman or Ware.

7. New England - Derrick Harvey - I'd take a corner, but they don't invest in corners. They do invest in linebackers though, and they're old and thin there.

8. Baltimore - Leodis McKelvin - Samari ain't what he used to be.

9. Cincinnati - Sedrick Ellis - The obvious pick.

10. New Orleans - Mike Jenkins - Jason David.

11. Buffalo - Devin Thomas - Apparently Malcom Kelly blew shit in his workouts and is no longer considered first round material. They really need a receiver so I guess they reach for Thomas.

12. Denver - Ryan Clady - The loss of Lepsis means tonnes of question marks on the line.

13. Charlotte - Chris Williams - Need a lineman. Will take whoever the Broncos don't take between these two.

14. Chicago - Branden Albert - They need help pretty much everywhere on offense. Start in the trenches.

15. Detroit - Rashard Mendenhall - Mendenhall is almost as good as McFadden in my books (which I realize could not possibly mean less) and they cut Kevin Jones so if he gets past the Bears...

A Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I hate

People who litter: I know some people who go out of their way to litter. Why do they do it? I don't know. It just makes no sense to me. I could see if it was really really inconvenient, then it can be alright to litter. But to go out of your way to throw garbage onto the grass just blows my mind. A conversation with someone who litters is terrible.

Me: Why did you throw it out the window? I have a garbage in my car and there's garbage can 2 feet away from where we're parked. You're a real asshole, you know that?

Litterer: HAHA Okaaaayyyy tree hugger! Who cares?! Big deal! So what?!

Me: Fuckin hell...

There's nothing you can really say to them, because they've already got it stuck in their head that it's cool to litter. One person telling them they're a dick won't solve anything. Yeah, it's somewhat about the environment, but that's only part of it. You don't want pets and other animals eating your mcdonalds wrapper and you're just making work for someone. Most important of all, have some fucking respect. When you litter, you're not a badass, you're a jackass.

People from Saskatoon: I can't express my disdain for people from Saskatoon enough. Pretty much everyone in that city is a pompous dickhead with their head shoved up their asshole. All they can talk about is how great their fucking city is. Listening to the radio today, people from Saskatoon were calling in saying they should move the football team to Saskatoon, there would be no football team without Saskatoon fans, their girls were hotter, blah blah blah. Seriously, what's better about Saskatoon? They have 2 circle drives for fuck's sake. Their university is really nice, but c'mon...it's fucking school. You go to school to learn, not to sit around and stare at shit. Listen, I like Saskatoon. It's a nice city and all that and I'm sure the people are friendly until you tell them you're from Regina and they all run away going EWWWWWW REGINA! ...but that's beside the point. Saskatoon is a good city, but it's pretty much the exact same as Regina. There's no point in fighting Regina over being a better city. You're not going to win, you're accomplishing nothing, and you're wasting your time. We need to unite against other cities...like Calgary. What a giant shithole.

Congrats on Your New Balls, Cincinnati Bengals

Bengals News: As a fan of the Bengals, this is good to see. Marvin Lewis has already put Chad Johnson in his place, and did it very well. His speech on the topic was very pretty tough and he made it crystal clear that Chad Johnson will be a Bengal next season. I think Chad will play, and play well. If the Bengals can somehow do better this year and manage to make the playoffs, Chad won't be a problem.

In other Bengal news, they cut Chris Henry. This is another step in the right direction for the Bengals. After he turned himself in on an assault charge this morning, the Bengals announced they were going to cut him. He's a player, but man...get a fucking brain. I don't think it's entirely his fault, and people might just be taking advantage of his troublesome past, but in any case, it all comes back to him. If you're fortunate enough to be able to play in the NFL, you CANNOT be doing dumb shit. He got a second chance with the Bengals after last year, so he should have been sitting at home and working out or something every night. Thing is, his priorities are all fucked up. If you pick going out and drinking every night over playing in the NFL, if I was an owner, I would not want you on my team. Some people just don't realize how lucky they are.

So...this really thins out the receivers on the Bengals. After Housh and CJ, it's Antonio Chatman. Obviously, they need to fill those spots. Malcolm Kelly, the best WR, isn't rated high enough to be taken #9. I'm guessing they'll take the best DT or DE available at their spot, then take a receiver next round. They might trade up a few spots to make sure they get Sedrick Ellis. In any case, they'll be taking a defensive player with whatever pick they end up with.

I don't know what the Bengals have been doing with their team. Look at their 2005 roster. The team now consists of pretty much the exact same players, just minus most of the good ones. No one has gotten better. It's like they've traded all their draft picks the last 2 years for an old sandwich.


Broncos News: Fucking Brandon Marshall. He's going to miss the entire offseason because of his stupid arm. I don't know how you almost rip your arm off wrestling with a family member, and I don't know why he's a grown man(and a giant football player) wrestling family members, but this just sucks.

For the draft, the Broncos are pretty much guaranteed to take an Offensive Tackle. They gotta protect Cutler better than last year.

Eagles News: Eagles, get a fucking wide receiver. McNabb is a great player, but he can only do so much with Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis. If they just had one really good receiver, it would probably catapult them back into the NFC Championship game. McNabb has never complained about his receivers, but look how good they were when T.O. was there.

They'll probably draft some defensive loser. I say take the best WR available, shore up linebacking or safety in the second and third rounds.

I Got A Hate-on For These Commercials

All-Bran: All-Bran had a good idea. When they came out with that "These All-Bran snacks taste really good," that was funny. I really liked that commercial.

As usual, once companies get a hold on something good, they beat it into the fucking ground. They had a guy going around the office saying that phrase and people spit water all over him, and NOW they have a guy eating cereal in a meeting saying the phrase. Don't these companies get it? IT'S NOT FUNNY. It's just like those Capital One "Hands in my pocket" commercials. If someone tells you a funny joke, you'll laugh. If they tell you the joke tomorrow, you might chuckle. If they tell you that joke 3 times a day for a week, you'll kick them in the junk.

If you want your company and commercial to be memorable, don't air it every second commercial. Make it a rare occurence, so people will be able to actually remember it for being funny and clever, not for being shoved down their throats.

Maltesers: Maltesers commercials are stupid. The one with the couple watching a movie is the worst. The girl asks for a piece of the candy the way a porn star asks for an eggplant up her vagina. Then the guy gives her a Maltesers by sucking through the straw and holding the candy on the straw before dropping into her mouth. It ends with the two of them giggling like retards for some unknown reason. Apparently eating candy makes you laugh or something. The goal, I guess is to show that the candy is light. Yeah, good job Maltesers, I really want to buy your fucking candy because it's light. Idiots.

The Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I Hate.

Today: People who have to do some sort of "gang sign" in pictures.

Why? I don't understand. Are they just looking for something to do with their hands? It makes no sense.

The most common hand sign is giving the "peace sign" in pictures. If you're a girl, you must always look to the side, still keeping your eyes on the camera, and then make your lips pouty. Oh...nearly forgot...the peace sign must always be sideways. If you're a guy, doesn't really matter. Just make sure it's sideways. And that's how you can look like a fucking tool in all your pictures.




I have a suggestion. When someone takes a picture of you, just fucking stand there and smile. You can put your hands in your pocket, maybe around someone's shoulder, cross them if you want...hell just leave them hanging there. I really don't care, as long as it's not some sort of stupid gangster sign.

Listen...if you're not a black rapper trying to make a statement, then don't do the fucking sign. You're not a gangster...you're a smegma bag.

So, Madden 09 on August 12. Time to get way too excited and set myself up for disappointment! This is my favorite tradition of the year.

Apparently there's a 20th anniversary edition that includes NFL Head Coach 09 and a bunch of other bullshit. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Guess how much this costs? 89.99! And that's American, so I'm sure they'll jack it up another five bucks up here. I'm not going to call it highway robbery, because you do get two games. Expressway robbery? Freeway robbery maybe? Either way, I probably won't buy Madden first day, maybe not at all if it doesn't impress me.

7 Things That Must Happen if The Jays are Going to Win the Wild Card

Unlike other contributors to this blog, I have not given up on the Blue Jays before the season has started. Granted, they are still likely to finish third with a record that is four games above .500, followed by the inevitable firing of Riccardi, followed by three shitty rebuilding years, followed by four mediocre years, followed by the cycle starting again. That being said, the Yankees are not nearly the powerhouse they've been recently and the Red Sox have a lot of question marks in their rotation, especially if Beckett misses significant time. I've decided Toronto will need to win at least 93 games to have a chance at the Wild Card, and I feel like this is possible if most of the following happen.

1. Big breakout years years by Alex Rios and Dusty Lambchops

I'm pretty confident McGowan will throw down a pretty serious year. Only ten pitchers had more strikeouts after the All-Star break last year and his numbers got better every month. He needs to emerge as almost dominant and make 30 some starts.

I don't feel so great about Rios. Obviously the guy is really good, but I'm afraid he's never going to take it to the next level. His numbers have been identical for the last two years which, to me, indicates that he's reached his peak. I heard he came to Spring Training with 20 pounds of muscle so hopefully his power numbers go up. I'd like to see some more plate discipline too.

2. Don't lose nine games in a row in May

This is pretty obvious, but it was pretty much the season last year. If they would've won half these games, they would have been at least within shouting distance of the Wild Card in September.

3. A Good Start by Frank Thomas

This guy can still hit but has been a notoriously slow starter the last couple years. Last year he turned it up right around the time the Jays fell out of contention. They can't afford that, so he needs to be more consistent.

4. A More consistent Halladay

This falls in with the Thomas thing, in that they can't afford to fall behind in the standings if they want to make the playoffs. Roy was as good as can be expected at this point in his career for most of the year, but had a disastrous May and a weak June which, not coincidentally, coincided with his appendectomy and the nine game losing streak. The declining strikeout rate also concerns me, and they should have John McDonald out there whenever he pitches because of this.

5. Another Huge Year from the 'Pen

I can't possibly complain about the performance of the relievers last year, but I'm going to preemptively complain about this years performance. With no Janssen and no Beej for at least the first month, we're going to see a lot of Jason Frasor, Brandon League, and Scott Downs for the first while. This has the potential to work great as long as Gibby does not attempt to make Downs' arm fall off again.

6. Bounce back years from Vern and Overbay

These guys were simply awful last year, partially due to injury, partially due to general shitty play. This can't happen again.

7. Stay Healthy

This is probably a pipe dream, I'll admit, but it's pretty much the only chance we've got. Pretty hard to win with replacement level players and on a team this thin, you're pretty much getting AAA guys. It's probably a bad omen that Janssen is gone for the year, and Rolen and the Beej are out at least until early May and AJ already had problems.

Who the hell am I kidding? This team is going no where fast unless they get extremely lucky. New York isn't that great anymore, but there's enough other good teams in the AL that they will need to be almost flawless to make the playoffs.

7 Reasons Why The Blue Jays Will, Once Again, Lose

1. Casey Janssen tore his labrum. I had to look up what the hell that was, but even before then it just sounded bad. Anything with "pitcher" and "torn" means bad news; unless you're Josh Beckett, then you replace "torn" with "gaping vagina". Anyway, this breaks my heart for two reasons: Casey Janssen is a solid pitcher with balls of steel who can go in and hold a lead or just eat up innings, and his career could be hurt because of this (although not too likely). They still have Downs, Accardo, and Ryan, but Janssen had a good chance at that 5th spot in the rotation.
   
   
2. Speaking of that 5th starter, reason number two is: Jesse Litsch. Yeah, he tossed a gem in his first career start. Too bad he still isn't good. Not overpowering, doesn't have control, and decent stamina at best. Hooray for forcing Wolverine into the game after three innings! Note: I saw he pitched well today. It was one game...he stills blows.
   


3. Our two big acquisitions of the off-season: Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. That twat MBE would disagree with me here, but I'm telling you right now they aren't much of an upgrade from last year. Eckstein is better offensively than past Jays shortstops, but he had that horrendous dickduster and his fantastic .960 fielding percentage will remind me of Royce "Fucking Tool" Clayton. Rolen won't play much, but even when he does he'll be a mediocre hitter at best and a slightly more agile Troy Glaus. Okay, way more agile.
   


4. Marco Scutaro. If you take playing time from Aaron Hill like Fucking Tool did to Johnny Mac, I'll shit everywhere. Aaron Hill is a badass, and he proved last year he can play the whole year. Just ride the pine and be happy with it, Scrote.
   


5. John Gibbons, please don't fuck with the bullpen. I know you can't blame him for losses, but I'm blaming him for some losses last year. You have a fantastic bullpen this year so don't wear down two guys' arms within the first 2 weeks. And I like the idea of playing the matchups in the 8th/9th with B.J. and Accardo (MBE style). They've both proven they can close games, so just put either one in when the matchup suits them instead of forcing B.J. to play the 9th every game.
   


6. Rod Barajas. What the fuck J.P.?
   


7. Seriously, he blows.
   

But in all honesty, I like the looks of their pitching this year - don't screw it up, Gibbons - with (almost) everyone seeming to be healthy, but their bats/defense won't cut it. Then again, Vern can't possibly have another season like last year, can he?

Go Jays!

F--cking Seth Rogen

this video isn't good. i just don't really have anything else to post.

It's Moshzilla!

Your NCAA Headquarters Are HERE

For everything you needed to know about March Madness, this should be your only source of information.

On day one, even though it's not over yet, there was only one real headline.

Oral Roberts sucked major dick.





Seriously, they blew. Hard. I've never seen a team so unable to wrap their lips around the concept of defence. DeJuan Blair was huge in the middle, and Oral Roberts just could not penetrate them down low. At one point, they were 5-9 from beyond the 3-point line and 1-16 from everywhere else. That's so pathetic.

Pittsburgh was too big for Oral Roberts. No matter what Oral Roberts did, Pittsburgh's hugeness just made anything Oral Roberts did seem insignificant and useless. It must have frustrating for Pittsburgh just to have to put up with it. Oral tried running up and down the outside, that didn't work. They tried sticking it inside, that didn't work. Oral just couldn't get their stroke down against a big Pitt team.

On top of that, Pitt blanketed Oral on defence. It got really rough, actually. Oral Roberts would have needed to lube their entire team up just to get out of the coverage.

At Oral Roberts, they live with constant reminders of the school motto, “Expect a Miracle,” but there were no miracles this day, not against that team. All they got was shock. You could see it smeared all over their faces.

Are Automatic Car Washes Are F--king Retarded?

If it's extremely cold out and you don't have a garage and for some reason you absolutely have to wash your car and don't feel like drying it with towels or something, then an automatic car wash is mildly acceptable.

Other than that, there is only one possible good reason to go to an automatic car wash.

You have to be a lazy asshole who has no concept of cost-effectiveness. I consistently see cars lined up to get into these places on beautiful days and can't understand why in the world you'd go there.

Here are pros and cons of an automated car wash.

Pros
-You don't have to go through the effort of getting out of your car and washing your car yourself. Interestingly enough, you probably also fervently wish there were escalators in your house.

-There's a dryer at the end that sort of dries off your car. Meaning you're under the delusion that a car is much like a regular person, who enjoys being being dried off right after they're done a shower.

Cons
-It costs what...like 7$-9$ minimum? I got beef with that. I spend 2$-3$ on car washes. I go to that new hand carwash. I spend 1$ on that soap spray, give the car a quick spray all around for 30 seconds, then switch to the foam brush. I let the foam flow out onto the car for the rest of my minute. Then, I just use the brush and scrub it down for however long that takes me. I'll use the second 1$ to just rinse it off. Simple enough, and my car is just as clean as anyone elses. So automated car washes cost around 6$ more for me.

-I can clean my own car way better than that machine. That machine is just happy to go back and forth and the same speed over every section of the car. Well say there's some spots dirtier than others? Maybe you gotta spend a little time cleaning a bit more on those areas. NOOOOO SIRREE! You ain't doing that in one o' your fancy car washes.

-Think of what you could buy instead. All kinds of awesome shit. A BJ from MBE's sister.That's right! 5$ limited time offer!

...

Conclusion: I'm awesome.