Here lies an admittedly rudimentary list of what I think are the best 8 lines in the history of Seinfeld. Why 8? Because I could go for days but this has to end somewhere. Now, these are pulled completely off the top of my head with no research or even effort to remember. Hell, the quotes might not even be right. So if you don't agree, you can fuck right off.

8. "Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
"You're not a little anything Newman."

This needs no context. I don't even know what episode it's from.

7. "It's like putting your whole mouth in the bowl."

We all know this little dipshit was right, but the annoying way he confronts George makes him so contemptible it is ridiculous.

6. "The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

The best line from a classic Costanza rant. No one knows what the hell it means but they don't bother asking to find out either.

5. "Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!"

Delivery is everything here. The way Cosmo's voice jumps up during delicious is just
smashing.

4. "You're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that I just blew your mind?"

This is the perfect Kramer line.

3. "Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're they're best seller."
"Yeah..well...I had sex with your wife!"
"Um George, his wife's in a coma."

George tries about 20 times harder at a good comeback than he does at any other single task during the series, and still fails. It's his life in a nutshell.

2. "And you wanna be my latex salesman...."

The fact the George is lying face down with his pants around his ankles really moved this up the rankings.

1. "I'm out."

So simple, so funny. Every time I see this episode, the line makes me lose control of my bowels.

Randy Mcmichael's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Randy! Hope you throw parties better than you throw your wife.





You want to touch God? Reach out and touch me then assholes! but you CAN'T because I'm untouchable!

Breaking News!

Tom Brady was shot in the head with rifle yesterday, and though he didn't die, he did suffer permanent brain damage. Were he playing for any team other than the Patriots, he would have been released, but, according to a spokesman for the team, the Patriots still plan to play Brady during the regular season. "There's really no change in the gameplan for the Patriots with a retard under center," says Fred Thompkins, a professional analyst. "all we have to do is teach him to somehow launch the football in the air. Once we've figured out his throwing capacity we'll just design our receiver routes to fit his throws. The receivers will obviously catch it every time, so it's not a big deal." says passing coach Geoff Jenkins.

The man who shot Brady was none other than Matt Cassel, the backup quarterback. Apparently he really wanted the starting job, and our correspondent Cuba Sugar caught up with Matt as he was being taken away.

Cuba: Hey! Matt! Are you stupid? Why would you shoot Tom Brady?
Matt: Fuck you I'm Matt the mother fuckin Castle! Built of solid granite! I can do whatev I feel, when I feel!
Cuba: Okay, do you realize that the team would just trade or pick up someone who's actually good if Tom wasn't around?
Matt: You kiddin? I catapult that football down the field like no one's business, slam my drawbridge down any faggot's throat that comes near me, not to mention scoring touchdowns like I throw used whores into the moat! But I do get sacked a lot.
Cuba: Oh really? Well if that's happeni...
Matt: SACKED as in I fuck all the peasants in my fucking castle!

Cassel was then led away to his holding cell, where he will remain until his hearing.
Tom Brady was conscious within hours of his surgery and was expected to resume practice the following day. Owner Robert Kraft said Cassel will be allowed to return the team after he's finished his jailtime. After Matt Cassel was told Brady would still be playing this coming season, he remarked: Great now I'm backing up a shitwad who can't tell the difference between crap and a candy cane.

Seven Awesome Things About The Internet

1. the obvious pick

2. Wikipedia


Looking for the answer to anything? Go to Wikipedia. Anything you're looking for, you'll find it. Teachers say not to use Wikipedia because it's mostly made up. Well that's straight up bullcrap. There's so many checks before you can edit a topic and any facts have to be confirmed by a reliable source and an expert.

Here's a couple entries to get your motor going...

Festivus

Val Kilmer

Cunt

3. Google Earth

Because you can see your house.

Google Earth

actually google maps is easier and you don't have to download anything

4. Fantasy Sports

Fantasy sports sites organize everything for you and calculate all your points, letting you stick to watching the sport and enjoying it instead of analyzing it. Plus it's the closest most people will ever be to managing something.

5. The Dramatic Prairie-Dog

The best 5 seconds you'll ever spend.



6. Ebay

A great place to look for bargains and stuff you can only find in certain places. Looking for a game? Got that. What about an antique piece of furniture? Got that. How about a used thong? Got that.

7.Youtube

It allows any dumb coked-out asshole to put anything at all they want on the internet for everyone to see. Point in case: this guy.

Raise Up Bitch

"...and thats all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be, cocksuckin', pussy-eatin' prankstas. Cuz when the fire dies down what the fuck you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

Coming soon...

lengthy posts. in the meantime, enjoy a lolcat i made along with som moar phunee stuf.

Loco Logos #2

That title is just too good to only use once. So now i bring you the 2 best and 2 worst logos in each major North American sport(NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB).

It is my belief that in order to have a good logo, it must have these essential things.

1. A good logo should not be too complicated. When you're a kid and trying to draw your favorite team's logo, you shouldn't have to be Rembrandt to draw it.
2. It should kinda represent the area where the team is.
3. It should have something to do with the name of the team.
4. Overall good and menacing looks

My selections might not quite follow these guidelines, so...fuck you.


First up, the NFL

The best:

The Denver Broncos


Not too complicated (maybe a little too many details on the horse's face), great color scheme, good representation of the team. A modern look, but not over the top.




Represents the city and team perfectly, simple to draw and even good looking.

Honorable mention: New England

Worst Logos

The Detroit Lions



A shadow of a jumping blue lion? Lame. You can't distinguish any features and if the team wasn't called the lions, you'd think it was a disfigured retard in the midst of falling over.


Well let's see if you can guess which team is next..


who else but...




The Cleveland Browns!



The epitomy of a crappy logo. In the beginning, the team held a contest to figure out what to name themselves. The city of Cleveland, being the absolute idiots that they are, voted to name their team the Browns (Note: That's a dumb fucking color to name your team after.) Though it's been disputed over whether they chose the name Browns because of Paul Brown the coach or Joe "Brown Bomber" Louis, the outcome remains the same. The team is still named the Browns. Now when naming your team, the next step is to create a logo. Naturally, no smart person would name a team the Browns, so they surprisingly couldn't come up with logo either. So what they do is just use a brown helmet. Good job Cleveland! Not creative at all, though a perfect representation of the team name(which in turn is not creative at all). Not easy to draw(that 3D helmet is not easy to draw at all). To boot, not good looking at all.

Dishonorable mention: Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, Minnesota Vikings


The other sports later...

Loco Logos

James Dean, rollerblades, hockey stick guitars, records...this logo has it all.






Really, I can't believe someone in the head office doesn't take a look a their new logo and go: "Gee, you know our logo looks EXACTLY like a figure skate."






"Mommy...what are those two figures doing?"

"FUCKING."





Now there's absolutely no excuse for this one. That can only be a penis sticking out of the figure's front mid-section and that can only be a baby's mouth he's about to penetrate.





What do they even do at the pediatric center? Oh, never mind, it's right in the logo.






When the Empire State Building had butt sex with the sun.

Champions League Final

Final score: 2-1 for AC Milan over Liverpool.

Liverpool more or less controlled the game, but Milan took it by scoring on their both and only attempts. Filippo Inzaghi scored both goals and proved he was the man to play after much controversy over whether him or Gilardino would start up front.

As usual the Italians were up to their old tricks and were diving all over the place. The most notable one was when a Liverpool player had the ball down the sideline and tried lobbing it in but hit a Milan player less than 2 feet away. The Milan player instantly dropped and started pointing to his stomach like he'd been shot. He looked
like he had an alien inside his chest and it was about to burst out. Luckily for him, the extensively trained doctors in their suits and white gloves had the perfect cure for his terrible injury. Spray can to the rescue! He was up and ready to play in no time. The beauty of slow-motion replays really captures the retardedness of most dives. You can see exactly how they weren't touched at all and the amazed disbelief on the fouling player's face. A neat idea would be if the ref could look up at a screen in the stadium and determine if he dove or not, then punishing accordingly.

Anyway Liverpool was down 2-0 before dirk kuyt, who i despise and doesn't get the privilege of capital letters in his name, headed a deflected corner kick past Dida the goalie. Even the lanky bastard Crouch came close, but it was too little too late.

The whistle blew and the crying began. Wiping the sweat and grease out of their eyes, the Italians hugged and rejoiced before hoisting the trophy. Then they all put on their pink, open-collared shirts, gelled all their hair into faux-hawks, trimmed their stubble, piled into their miatas (not before chowing down on some spaghetti with Ragu), then headed off to the discos for wine and spirits!

Fed up

Okay Carson Palmer, that's about enough. It's like a rollercoaster ride with you.

These things keep adding up, and I must say, it's taking its toll on me.
I've decided to come up with a points system to keep track of things that Carson Palmer does that affect a rating i'm making up. A rating of 0 is alright. It means you haven't done anything bad or anything good to affect my view of you. A minus rating is bad, a plus rating is good. Fairly simple.


First theres your christmas list...

Wish list (quotes in brackets)[my quotes in square brackets]
1. The new Kevin Federline CD, Playing with Fire. ("A lot of people don't like K-Fed, but he's all right.") ["No he's not alright, he's a shit fucking asshole. That's a -10."]

2. A new tie rack. ("Even guys from Southern California wear ties.")["That's a dumb present.-2"]

3. A 10-point LTS crossbow. ("It's a new hobby of mine.")["Okay, that's cool. +7"]

4. Flavor of Love (Season 1) DVD. ("Flav is very smooth, and funny.")["Haha Flav is a retard and the girls on the show are the worst people on earth.-8"]

5. A pingpong table. ("Pingpong is fun and helps your hand-eye coordination.")[love ping-pong.+5]


Next there was the Carson Palmer's Cornhole Classic.

Carson set this up to endorse the game of Cornhole. The game of CORNHOLE. Basically horseshoes crossed with sodomy. you're throwing a bean bag in a hole. There's a link on his site and on the bengals web site. Whyyyyyyy Carson.[-4]


Of course, you can't forget how he came back from his injury. [+10]


Next, there's this ad that just came out for hot dogs.



That's another -4 for you.


Finally there's the heisman voting this year. As a winner, Carson receives the privilege of voting. He gets three votes, picking his top choice first and so on. So what does he do? He votes his brother in as the first pick....AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF with a +7. This gives him a +1 in my books. Good enough. GO BENGALS

Jules Winnfield: Youth Hockey Coach

Laughable and Maddening Things

Things are all around us.

Here's a list of many things that can be funny, yet make you mad at the same time.

1. The Blue Jays season
Today the Blue Jays got stomped by the Red Sox. To top it off, B.J Ryan is out for the season. It really is quite funny watching pitchers like Frasor, Marcum and Downs pitch their 2 innings and see who can let in more runs. It's maddening because the Jays had gone out and got the neccesary talent to succeed. Without a closer and a solid bullpen, there's just no way the Jays will have a good season. Jason Frasor is not the guy to fill in. You can't be a closer if you can barely throw better than these two guys.

http://www.mypartypost.com/watchflashbig/5138/Cincinnati_Mayor_First_Pitch

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9eDzJ_K9i_0

2. Cabbie on the Street
Honestly, I hate Cabbie. Going up to a famous athlete and essentially harassing them is not my idea of good t.v. All he does is wave his arms in front and around whoever he's talking to. The only way it's funny is seeing how uncomfortable he makes whoever he's talking to, and how oblivious he is to how much they want to punch him in the face. Example...today talking to David Ortiz... he says: How come you don't laugh when you smash home runs?" (leans in closer) and repeats: "when you SMASH home runs?" (leans in even closer about 2 inches from Ortiz's face) and repeats again: "WHEN YOU SMASH HOME RUNS?"

Why on earth they gave this asshole a job I'll never know.


3. Drivers who feel the need to drive as fast as they can all the time

Everyone drives fast. I do a lot of the time. When you're late as much as I am you need to drive fast.
But there is a common sense factor that is taken into account. When you see a light turn red, common sense would say take your foot off the pedal. You don't need to speed to the light then slam on the brakes when you know the light is red. It's funny because you know that if you time it right you can go through the light as soon as it turns green and beat the guy who speeds up to the red light and is stopped there.


4. Girl Bodybuilders

Actually I'd say bodybuilders in general. There's no point in looking like a freak.
Funny because they're all trying to compensate for something like small height or low-self esteem. And girl bodybuilders are so very creepy.

A Revelation!

When car companies are designing their cars, they way they judge how far to make their vehicles off the ground is by this method.

1st step: roll a soccer ball under the vehicle and adjust the axles so a soccer ball can roll under just enough to get stuck and not roll completely through.

2nd step: adjust the muffler and driveshaft, as well as the bottom of the engine according to the height of a basketball. Be sure to not allow the basketball to pass by these things, as like the soccer ball.

Voilà! the perfect car!

One person I have a major beef with:

Fucking Pierre Maguire. The human shit show that can be found making his retarded, half-baked comments on TSN Hockey Night. The guy is a twat. The man used to be a G.M. and yet is consistently wrong with his comments. This isn't just me talking, there are many who hate this bald piece of shit with as much passion as I do.

I've never heard so many people call bullshit at his views on in-game events. I mean, if any other commentator says something that you don't agree with or think was really incorrect...you just either shrug it off or make a small comment and thats it. When Maguire says these incredibly stupid things, he says it in a way that makes you want to get up and kick your fucking TV. He's just so smug and confident in every dumb ass thing he says and it is so goddamn painful.

So don't watch him? Believe me, I actually do go out of my way not to listen to him. If he's on, I'd find another game, which isn't really a problem to begin with, since I usually watch CBC from the get-go. I was found recently subjecting myself to his bullshit tonight, I had to. The Islanders were playing on TSN (it's 2-2 right now) against Buffalo and got ready to sit down and watch. Maguire is on the job...for some reason I thought it would be okay. No.

It's not just the things he says...its also how unnecessarily excited he gets...and his fucking asinine "Monsters of the Game". If he says something correct he sounds like its a huge revelation and it should go in one of his articles...when its usually common sense. Alternatively, its something so wrong its like he's not even watching the game and just giving Gord Miller head underneath the desk.

Besides the fact that I hate the dude. He made a brutal call on the game I am watching right now, which pretty much tempted me to write this during the intermission. Jason Blake got blatantly checked from behind by Teppo Numminen. Teppo is a good guy, he doesn't do stupid shit...but in this instance, he pushed Blake headfirst into the boards and Blake went down. Maguire chimes in by saying that Teppo shouldn't get a penalty because it wasn't a crushing hit....that Teppo is not a dirty player and he didn't mean to. What the fuck? Who cares what kind of player he's considered? He fucking pushed a player with his head down, half a foot away from the boards. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a crushing hit...but it's not like he love-tapped him either....he was on the move. Still, you don't do that shit. Either way, Maguire should think for a second before he says anything and if what comes out of his mouth makes any sense.

Anyway. Fuck...3-2 Sabres. Barely 2 minutes in. Isles' defense is so useless.

3 things I have major beef with..

First: I went to Subway today, and ordered a turkey breast sub. Nothing out of the ordinary. So we're going through the usual routine of picking the bread then him putting the meat on it. Finally we arrive at the cheese selection process. Seriously man, those cheese slices are triangles for a fucking reason. It should be common knowledge that two triangles of this cheese make a form similar to a parrallelogram(bent rectangle for you retards). The goal is to get maximum cheese distribution so as to enjoy cheese in every bite of your sub. For some reason, this idiot is unable to see the dynamics of cheese and places each slice so it looks like the teeth on dinosaurs you drew as a kid. This means NO cheese in some places and DOUBLE cheese in others! TRAVESTY!

Second: At work, people are constantly bringing me items they'd like to buy and asking how much they are. A typical encounter goes something like this:

guy: Hi there!, can you tell me how much this is?

me: Hey! Sure thing(much enthused)! Just give me a sec here!

guy: Sure!

me: hmm seems someone ripped the pricetag off this...I'll just try and find it on the computer...hmm i'm not finding it here..

guy: Really? So it must be free then? heh heh

me: yeah...must be...heh..yeah i can't give it to you free

guy: hey that's ok i'm just kidding

FUCK YOU guy.

Third, Best Buy phones me about my broken laptop today and says: yeah it looks like we're going to have to do a system restore, but it's not covered by your warranty. That'll be 60$. Also if you want any files recovered and backed up, that'll be another 60$. So..(calculating)...that'll be 120$.
Warranties should be one piece of paper labelled: if it breaks, we'll fix it. Buy the warranty, and we'll fix it every time. This is such complete bullcrap.
Don't fuck everyone over with separate warranties for different parts.


Yeah, needless to say, I'm a little on the crazy/mad side today.