Weekly NFL Rankings

Fuck the monday night game.

AFC

The pompous jackasses...

1.New England- Stupid awesome fuckers. They aren't unbeatable, but they're about as damn close as you can come to it. It's obvious their running game sucks, making them throw a lot. The thing is, the Patriots can throw all day long if they want to. We should all just sit back and enjoy the clusterfuck to the Superbowl.

2.Indianapolis- They are very good, and when Marvin Harrison is back and fully healthy, they will be able to challenge New England. After their slight midseason pants crap, they've come back to form and beat the very tough Jags. Manning gives the Colts the ability to win every week no matter who they play.

3.Pittsburgh- They have great defense, a tough offense, and Hines Ward's smiling. Tough to beat indeed. Like the Colts, they have no real glaring weaknesses. A game between them would be much like a battle between a turd sandwich and a giant douche.Very close.

The decent fucks...

4. Jacksonville- Solid. They would beat every other team in the conference except for the top three. It seems like they're really good, but Garrard can only make so many plays with Dennis "Penis" Northcutt and Reggie Williams.

5.A Whale's Vagina- They've rediscovered their offense, mainly LT. I think they'll really pick it up down the stretch. Or they'll collapse. This team can be really good or really bad. They could potentially take down one of the top three teams, but for some unk'NORV'n reason, they haven't lived up to expectations.

6. Cleveland- Their offense is very assiduous. Look that up, retards. Their defense is pretty shitty, but the Browns have the offensive power and ability to get into shootouts with other teams except the top three. They're a luckier version of the Bengals.

7. Tennessee- Their entire team winning apparently lies on a defensive tackle. If they make the playoffs, good fuckin luck.

You're feeling it, nice tits, nice ass, then the pants come off and you feel it. A bulge...

8. Cincinnati- If anything more could go wrong for this team, I don't know what that would be.

9. Denver- Champ is getting burned, the rest of their defense is getting run over, and their offense just ain't pulling through. Jay Cutler needs to be playing better, but at least Stan's dad thinks he'll be good someday.

10. Houston- They'd be better if Matt Schaub could finish just one game without being a fuckhead.

The shit slides down the leg...

11. Buffalo- I'm on to you Trent. You can't keep up this decent charade for much longer. I see your Bledsoe mobility and your spaghetti arm. Your team isn't that good and I don't like you or the rest of your offence. I do like your scrappy defence. And Marshawn Lynch. And Applebees.

12. Baltimore- C'mon Billick, you fired your best friend for THIS kind of offensive genius?

13. Oakland- Al Davis said he won't quit until the Raiders win a Superbowl. That had to have been a joke.

And plops onto the floor...

14. New York- Mangina's team ain't good at all.

15. Kansas City- Bad.

16. Miami- If touchdowns were cum, this team's defence would be a cum dumpster.



Dedicated to: Sean Taylor... and the sly couple in that Viagra commercial. They ditch going to a movie with their friends to presumably have sex. Recap: The couple seem to be all ready to drive to the movie after having met their friends at a restaurant (apparently). Then the SUV doesn't start. "Go ahead, we'll catch up!" the husband remarks. After they get back into the SUV, The audience then finds out the wife rigged the SUV to not start. The husband knowingly says "How did you know which wire to unhook?" The wife just looks smug.

What a pair. Why would they go to all the trouble to go out and get dressed up if they weren't planning on going out at all? Maybe they just didn't want to go to see that particular movie. It must have been Beowulf.

NFC later

Look out Tony Romo!

John Madden: "Does anybody in this league smile as much as Hines Ward?"

You've got company, Homo.

Fuck Joe Gibbs

I'll make a list of his bullshit later...I just need this to be here so I don't suddenly forget that he sucks.

R.I.P Meast

He was one bad SOB, and it was awesome. He'll live on in my Madden franchise for years to come...until he retires.

The Snake's Lament

YES! I LOVVVE retirement! I'm having a fucking ball. A BALL!

(sitting at home watching the monday nighter)


"Ohhhh Jay Cutler is sooo good at rolling out of the pocket! Look at the way he twists those hips to make those throws!"

Fuck that.

(takes a swig of whiskey)

You know who's better at rolling out? fucking ME.

I lead you to the playoffs, to A 14 AND 2 RECORD, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?

(takes shot of Daniels) WOO!

Nothing. Dick-all. So here I am stuck either fighting a gay fuckhead for a starting job, or retiring.
Well...queers be damned.

(another swig of whiskey)

Now I'm stuck at home, playing HANDBALL for christ's sake. HANDBALL! Is that even a fucking sport?

Eric Plummer: Hey! C'mon now, we got fourth in last week's tournament and you were ecstatic about it. Don't be tryi..

Bah! I was faking...Who in their right mind would choose handball over football? I choose feet over hands!
I (chugs an Old Milwaukee)...what?

DAMMIT I could be out there...I SHOULD be out there. I can do that easy.
I'm the SNAKE.

(shot of Daniels)

HAHA I bite your wife's titties with my FANGS! Oh yeah!!! Football!!
Whats a....SHIT I should be playing. Why aren't I playing? I should play for the Broncos!

(swig of whiskey)

Hey! They're playing right now! I better get to the stadium. Whoop... don't forget the ROAD BEERS BABAAAYYY!!!

(driving to the stadium) WELCOME TO THE JUNNGGGGLLEEEE ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES...WE GOT EVERYTHING except JAKKKKE PLUMMMMAAAAA!!!

(Storming post-game conference)

Guys! GUYS! I'm here! Don't worry! Let's go... what are you waiting for? TO THE FIELD!!! I'm back...where's my uniform? Why is everyone standing around? SHANNY! c'mere...give your ol' boy a hug. How ya been? Where's your little fuck buddy? OH THERE HE IS! JAY! Remember me! I'm BACK bitch. Lets see how YOU like having your starting job taken away. PLUMMER is BACCCKK!!!! GET PUMPED!!! HEY! GET BACK!!BACK PLUMMER GOES...HE ROLLS OUT OF THE PODIUM...TOUCHDOWN!!!! (tackled by security guards)

(Security drags Jake away and throw him outside)


Ah FUCK..

DAMN YOU SHANAHANANAHAN! IMMA GET MY REVENGE!


(barfs)


HEYYOUioughtakickyourWHERESMYCAR?ahfuckit....I'lljust...BOO!

Transformers Goofs

I love Transformers, but after recently re-watching the movie, I could not help but notice many errors.


Factual Error: In the city battle scene, Mikaela is seen driving Bumblebee around in a tow truck while he shoots at the Decepticons. She is driving very fast, as well as backwards and weaving through traffic. As Mikaela is a girl, how could she be driving this way and not crashing? It's preposterous that a woman could even pass another driver, never mind going backwards fast.

Human Error: When Mikaela is walking home from the lake party, my throbbing dong opened up a cream factory inside my pants. I need new pants.



Factual Error: When U.S. Soldiers are running from Scorponok in a middle eastern country, they run into a town of Middle Easterns that decide to help them. What gives?


Weird Error: At the very beginning of the movie, Blackout(helicopter) destroys an entire army base in minutes. When he's in the city, a rag-tag group of soldiers take him down no problem. Get your head out of your ass Blackout. Fuckhead.

Continuity Error: During the city battle scene, Barricade(police car) says he's on his way, but never shows up. The Decepticons procede to lose the battle and most of them die. Where the fuck did Barricade go?

Tony Kornheiser's Bedtime Thoughts

Tom Brady.


Tom Brady Tom Brady.
Tom Brady? Brady Brady Brady Brady.
Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady.
Tommmmmmmmmmmmm BRADY.
Tommmmmmmmmmmmm Bradyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Tom Brady.


Peyton Manning? TOM BRADY!

TOM! BRADDDDYYYYY! TOM! BRADDDYYYYYYYY!




Tom Brady.

a need to see basis

Changes

This blog will now be known as the neckbeard brigade.

ASSLICKER DICKFART!

Hooray

ass!...ASS!

The second half of season 11 of South Park kicked off on Wednesday.

DONKEY BONER!

First one is about cartman and tourette's syndrome...now that i think about it's amazing they didn't think about the concept sooner.

PISSSSSS! PISS COMING FROM MY ASSSS!!

www.allsp.com has it up, so hurry and go watch it.

COCK! TAMPON DICKSHIT!

Strap Yourself In...

The 2007-08 NHL season has begun. Analysis' and predictions upcoming!

The Patriots Offensive Woes Continue

38-14

38-14

38-7

34-13

Notice a trend?

A once mighty Patriots offence has experienced a significant drop off in points scored.

Not only have the Patriots decreased their total point output, but the injuries keep adding up in a vastly depleted WR corps.

Their score of 34-13 this week is reflection of just how bad things have regressed in New England, when the once mighty Patriots look be coming back to Earth. When I asked how he felt about only winning 34-13 against the Bengals, one seemingly die-hard fan replied: "What the hell are you talking about ONLY winning 34-13? We fucking kicked their ass!" Insulted, I kicked him in the groin, elbowed him in the back of the head, then ran away.

With Kelley Washington out of the lineup AGAIN, the Patriots were forced to abandon their 5 Wide sets and insert a tight end into the mix. The Bengals capitalized on this by only allowing a first down every couple of plays, rather than every play.

The Patriots play the Browns next, and better get their offence back on track if they want to score 38 points or more. Potential problems they might run to include length of game and how fast a football is physically able to travel.

When did "What's up?" become a greeting

It's a fucking question...not a greeting

People walk by me at school and work and say "what's up" all the time. They're asking me what is up. Saying "what's up" isn't a greeting. Questions aren't greetings.

I'm walking down the hallway, some turd who I know walks by me and says "what's up." My mind goes into processing mode. Is he trying to initiate a conversation in the middle of this crowded hallway? Doesn't he see it's impossible to just stop and begin a conversation? Dear God, what is this cunt trying to pull? He's obviously just asked me a question, and I'll look like a jerk if I don't respond to his question.

But like what the fuck do they think is up?

I'm at school. Can you guess what I'm doing? IM GOING TO FUCKING SCHOOL. Weird, hey? Why would someone be at school and be doing anything other than going to school? Even if they were there for fun, it's still not interesting enough to have a conversation with someone about.
Maybe I'm at work. Guess what I'm doing now? WORKING.


On most occasions when people say "what's up" I just keep walking and yell "NOTHING MAN HOW ABOUT YOU." In the back of my head I just want to turn around and go punch them in the back of the head.

Sometimes people yell back "NOTHING." Sometimes they don't hear because they've already moved on to asking other people "what's up."

On msn, you say "what's up" and it's perfectly alright. You've begun a conversation. You're seeing if the person is actually there, too. Maybe they're going to work soon, maybe they have sports in a bit, maybe they're about to eat supper. So you ask "what's up."

"What's up" is not a greeting, and someone gives me the ol' "what's up" at least once a day.

Well I'll tell you what's up. My middle finger to those who use "what's up" as a greeting.

Things I Love

Taking huge dumps.

Honestly, is there anything better?

I just took a huge crap and now I'm sitting here just marvelling at how good it felt and how good I feel right now.

Here's how it usually goes. You get that feeling down in your stomach...you've had a big supper, you know eventually you need to poop....and then it hits you. It's time. You don't need to rush to the bathroom, you've got time. Get up. Walk slowly...you don't need to run and jostle everything about. You get to the bathroom, make sure no jackass has pissed on the seat, and calmly make your nest (I prefer two 3-pieces on either side). Maybe grab a comic book if you're so inclined. So now you take a seat and concentrate on the task at hand. You take a breath and clench your cheeks. Give it a good push and feel it start to make its way out. You can feel it sliding out slowly, so you take another breath and give it a solid push, making sure not to cut it off. With a sploosh, you know you've just let a giant dookie hit the water. Wipe once to see what the verdict is. A little bit of turd is on there, but that's expected. The second wipe is much better. Nothing.

Congratulations, You've just made the perfect ass goblin.

Dinner at the Joneses

As the regular season rolls around, players in the NFL get ready for a long and arduous season. A season where the focus is on football and there is rarely time to sit back with your family and relax. With two of their sons playing in the NFL, the Joneses had a rare opportunity to sit down and actually eat supper together before the season begins.


excerpt


Thomas: Pass the turkey, Julius.

(Julius tosses a piece at Thomas.)

Thomas: (piece drops right through his hands) Goddammit Julius... no wonder they don't try the halfback pass with you.

(Asante Samuel picks up the piece and runs with it to the other side of the house, crouching in a corner and nibbling on the piece.)

Julius: What?! That was perfect! Here's another. (Julius tosses another piece.)

(Thomas drops it again.)

Thomas: Whatever...wow Ma! There's sure a crapload of grub here.

(sidling up)Leon: Wanna split it?

Thomas: Hell NAH! I'm eating all I can before I come across some misfortune!

Julius: Yeah there really is a lot of food here.

Thomas: I'll get us some root beer to wash these eats down.

(Thomas inadvertently slips on the piece of turkey he dropped earlier. His ACL tears in 3 places.)

Julius: Ohhhh! I'm so full! (Marion Barber enters the room and promptly gobbles up the rest of Julius' food.)