Here we go

It's the night of reckoning...

LIGHT IT UP NECKBEARD

Dumbass LeRetard

I'm Dan LeBatard! I'm retarded! BAM!

God PTI sucks if its not Tony and Mike

Ads I Approve Of, and Ads I Do Not

Approve- The Jeep Liberty commercial with the animals falling into the Jeep. First the squirrel, then the birds, then the wolf. Seriously I really love this commercial. It's hilarious. Why are they falling into the jeep? Why does the guy look like if he stops singing they'll kill him? Who cares? Funny shit.

Approve- The pepsi commercial with tony romo. I hated this commercial when it first came out, but now I've grown fond of it. FAR-LAAAHHH!!It must have grown on me. Wade doesn't question the play at all. I also like Tony Romo give the play in the huddle. There's no questioning the play-calling on this team at all.

Disapprove- Accutron. A watch commercial. So what happens in it? A fairly muscular man takes his shirt off and the camera rotates around him. A girl does the same thing in a sports bra. The shot alternates between rotating around the man, the woman, and the watch. Are they implying that the watch is nicely sculpted? Is it possible they are retarded?

Disapprove- Bell commercials. The badly animated beavers are so unfunny. Why they the continue putting them in commercials is beyond me.

Disapprove- Obviously all Rogers commercials. They'll only get worse this holiday season too.

Approve- The Chuck Norris commercial for some soft drink.

Disapprove- The "My Sportscenter" commercials. The people doing them always say stupidly scripted things with short halting pauses in between really fast shots of their sport. I hate them.

Oh my God! Fumble!

Hey!

What's that? Is that the ball? ITS THE BALL!

FUMBLLLLLLEEEE!

Everybody! Get the ball! It's loose!

I got it I got it I got it... Look at me! I'm so fast! Everybody is looking at me...I am the center of attention. I am the next Primetime...look how fast I run, faster than our gay fuck of runningback. YAAAA!!! Look at me go!

Why isn't anyone else cheering? Why is that ref laughing at me?

(runs by ref)

COCK-SUCKING PISS DRINKER!

(keeps running)

I'm at the 20...the 10! Touchdown for meeeeeeee!

Everybody! Look! I have the ball...I am the best defensive player in the world! Our defense is incredible!



...

WHAT? WHATCHU MEAN "INCOMPLETE PASS?!" That's BULLSHIT...I saw that ball clearly come..WHAT?! A FLAG? for what? When? I didn't say that...fuckin cock-sucking piss drinker...

Dammit Jerry. I was just finishing the play, you know? Coach always says don't give up...I don't care if was blatantly obvious that it was incomplete. Hey...I'm not retarded.

I just want to be loved.

That's all I ever wanted...

Thursday Night Football With...Bryant and Cris

tuning into this Thursday night game: Denver at Houston

"click"

BG: Hey everybody! Greg Gumbel here! Along with Joe Buck in the booth tonight...

Cris Collinsworth: "For the last fucking time...CRIS."

BG: Thanks for tuning into what seems to be tonight's broadcast from what looks like Mile High! We've got what appears to be a packed house for this matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Houston Oilers...The players appear to be ready to get this thing started. Any thoughts on how this will turn out, Bob?

CC: "The Broncos should be way more pr"

BG: OOP and the kick is off, annnnnd it looks like the Broncos really "booted" that one!
The Broncos returned the kick to somewhere around the 20...so we'll see Shane Rosenfield take the field for the Texans. He's got Andrew Jackson back at wide receiver so you KNOW they might possibly be ready to play...

First play...OHHHHH Andrew Hall bursts through the middle...and he'll have what seems to be a big gain up the middle for what would appear to be a first down.

CC: Appear? I think a 28 yard run can be classified as a first down...

BG: The Broncos are sending Travis Henry into the game as a sub now.

CC: Are you listening? Do you hear what I'm saying to you?

Bg: What was that Bob?

CC:...

Bg: back to the game

CC: YEARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

(Bashes Gumbel in face with his stool)

"commercial break"

update: Bryant Gumbel isn't commenting on the game today. Where could he be?

Occasional Beef

In honour of the original concept of this blog, I'll be filling you in on things I come across that are unforgivably fucking stupid. I find that TV producers do a great job of helping me find these things, so most will be TV based.


MuchMusic

First off, I fucking hate almost all mainstream music. No matter how good a song might be, if it goes mainstream, it will eventually make you fucking crazy. You know who's fault that is? MuchMusic's (And regular radio, but luckily I'm no longer subjected to that bullshit). Other than Video On Trial, they have the shittiest programming I can find on TV. That may be because they have no programming whatsoever - as proven by the recent OC marathons every fucking day.

MuchVibe and RapCity are fucking abortions. I blame it on the fact that they refuse to have lesser known artists on the shows - they think that hip-hop revolves solely around Jay-Z and Akon. Not only that, but it's hard to listen to rap when every second word is taken out because society is mentally fucking weak. Actually, most stations have started to allow a lot of the "bad" words - shit, bitch, ass, but not fuck - but of course, MuchMusic can't have any of that. Pussies. This sounds completely made up, and I wouldn't blame anybody for not believing me, but while watching MuchVibe the other day, the playlist went like this: Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Soulja Boy, Timbaland, Chris Brown. How the fuck does that happen? Why the fuck did I keep watching?

The Countdown is actually what gets me the most pissed off. This doesn't even necessarily have to be pinned on MuchMusic; every music countdown is the same. The first problem with this stupid system is that songs start at the bottom and have to make an absolutely painfully slow climb to the top. By the time a song gets to the top, it's been on the countdown for about 8-10 weeks already, being played 15 times a day. To make things worse, it stays at the top for another 5 or so weeks, where it's plays per day gets bumped up even more. It's a vicious circle from hell. The second problem is that it's just fucking annoying music. How about putting a little variety in your music selection instead of showing the same bullshit every fucking day?

I can't believe I watch enough of this shit to know all of this. I couldn't even put half of my anger towards it into words. Fergie's music is ridiculous...just shit terrible. Same with Maroon 5. Fucking embarassing.

The Restitution of Kyle Orton

In celebration of Neckbeard's ascent to the rank known as elite starting quarterback and domination of the Vikings on Monday, tomorrow there will be a shit-load of posts. They won't neccesarily be about the Neckbeard, but he'll probably be included in some way.

So get your posts ready..ITS A CELEBRATION BITCH.

Larry Holmes

is being inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame.

This should be an advertising dream for Larry's Grillmaster.

Return of the Neckbeard

The Neckbeard will start next Monday night against the Vikings. On national TV!

Hide the Jack Daniels.

Weekly NFL Rankings

NFC

last week I said fuck the monday night game.

Well fuck me right in the ass.
These will be shorter than the AFC...and with a slightly angrier tone.



1. Dallas- ROMO. You fucking dick. All you do is run around and shotput the fucking football to whatever receiver is open. Looks like it's a fucking cakewalk out there.

2. Green Bay- Okay Aaron Rodgers, whats with the two "a"s in your name. You think you're sneaky A-Aron? I'm watching you. Or at least I'd like to be. Take a ride on the fucking pine Brett Favre. Let Jake Plummer's caveman successor have a go.

3. Minnesota- Minnesota is fucking BALLING right now. Jackson is starting to learn how to play QB, Purple Jesus is back, Sidney Rice is emerging, I'm telling you, they are gonna come close to winning the AFC.

4. Seattle- Buck the fuck up Tiki.

5. Tampa Bay-

6. New York- I hate this team. Way too inconsistent. Their jerseys are way too tight and their gray pants make me vomit.

7. Philadelphia- If Andy Reid concentrated as hard on winning as he does grooming his mustache, they'd be incredible.

8. Arizona- Go Kurt Warner! You're a fucking robot!

9.Detroit-

10. New Orleans-

11. Washington- Good luck with Todd Collins

12. Chicago Bears- What happened to this defence? Adam Archuleta.

13. St. Louis Rams- Brock Berlin

14. Carolina Panthers- David Carr

15. San Fran-

16. Atlanta- Chris Redman

Bryant Gumbel Seems To Be Retarded

When I watch a football game, I'm usually lucky enough to notice certain things like tipped balls, blocked kicks, interceptions, and the occasional touchdown. Bryant Gumbel, however, is not so lucky. He is somehow blessed with the ability to make you question things that you know you just witnessed.

On the Bears first field goal attempt, Robbie Gould's 48-yard field goal attempt was clearly tipped at the line, causing it to move in unnatural directions and stop at the 10 yard line. Or so it seemed. Gumbel tried to convince us that Gould is just that shitty of a kicker that he can't even get the ball to go 40 yards in a straight line. Luckily for him, modern technology exists and the producer was nice enough to show him a replay. During that replay, Gumbel - completely amazed by what he just discovered - exclaims: "That ball appeared to be tipped, Cris! It seems the Redskins may have got a hand on it!" Meanwhile, Collinsworth (thank God I like him at least) sat there speechless at his partner's lack of vision and common sense.

On the Redskins first field goal attempt (fuck you Suisham, pussy), Shaun Suisham's 47-yard field goal was straight enough, but landed about 3-4 yards short. Already pissed off that he didn't have the leg to kick a football 50 yards, I had to listen to Gumbel tell me that it was good. I don't know what the fuck he was looking at, but he actually made me think it might have made it. Turns out he was wrong again. Dumbass.

On countless other plays, Gumbel would just say the same stupid shit that confused me every time. He actually made me wish Tony Kornheiser did more games. On touchdown plays: "That ball appeared to be caught for a touchdown!" On 1st and 10 plays, after a guy would run for 18 yards: "They seem to be past the first down marker, Cris." Jesus H. Christ, it fucking happened! Nothing "seems" to be happening, it fucking IS! Get some goddamn judgment and tell us what actually happened on the field.

Except on field goals. Wait for a replay and think about it for a while.

So Close

This here blog's namesake had a scary moment the other day when Rex Grossman went down in the Bears-Redskins game...



...he couldn't remember if he had bought a bottle of Jack Daniels in real life or if he had bought it in a dream.

Oh No

This week in the NFL there were many games that were decided on dumb rules.
Ben Utecht fumbled that ball. Colts win.
Winslow was forced out. Buzzsaw wins.
Gaffney didn't have control. Fuckheads win.
Joe Gibbs is an idiot. Bills win.


I propose some changes around the NFL. They might not necessarily help anything, but they'd certainly be better for the NFL.

-Yellow Footballs. Just think about that. Try to wrap your small brains around that idea. It’s remarkable. Yellow Footballs!

- Four point conversions. (Self Explanatory)

- Expansion teams in every area code. Why wouldn’t we have a 280 team league? There is literally no good reason not to.

- Have cheerleaders cheer in the aisles. I'm sure the Jets fans would approve.

- 3D something. I haven’t decided yet, but definitely 3D.

- No New England Patriots. Because they ruin the NFL for everyone who likes a team besides them.

- Mandatory touchdown celebrations. Whichever team does the best one gets three extra points.

- Landmines. Think about it..."He's all alone! No one can catch him! It'll be a touchdo...NO! He's stepped on a land mine! The Chiefs are racing over to recover the ball! What a game!"

- $5 Trough Fist. Every game will have a trough of all the great food they serve ground up into one cornucopia of awesomeness. For five bucks you can reach in and grab as much as you can fit in your fist.

Let's see some more in the comments. Don't be shy.

Impossible is nothing

Reggie Bush took 6(maybe 5) games to score his first touchdown. He kept the faith and just kept trying his best. Eventually a red-zone play was called in his favour and he overcame the staggering obstacle of not getting a touchdown for a short while. Impossible is nothing.

I was watching a really good porno, and my dick didn't get really hard until 46 seconds in. I just kept watching and eventually it got really hard. Impossible is nothing.

It took my dog longer than normal to find the ball that I threw in the snow. My dog just kept looking, never giving up, and eventually found it. The odds were against it, as the ball was covered with snow, but it kept sniffing around, eventually overcoming those difficulties. Impossible is nothing.

I couldn't find the remote for my TV. I looked everywhere. On the table. Under the table. Under the seat cushions. Fuck. It was on the armrest. I overcame everyone doubting me to find that remote. Impossible is nothing.

Donald Trump couldn't buy out a hotel chain, meaning he wouldn't have enough space to add on a solid gold boathouse to his summer mansion. He overcame the hotel's objections and just built another summer mansion a mile down the road and added a solid gold boathouse to that. Impossible is nothing.

Kyle Boller

is BOWLING over the Patriots...Ha!




I still can't decide if I want the Patriots to go undefeated or not. I really, truly hate the 72' Dolphins (Mercury Morris makes me want to stick a spoon in my fucking eye socket), but if the Patriots go undefeated then years from now they might be holding on to the same life-consuming record. At least the Dolphins will die out.

Fucking fucks.