Monday, November 23, 2009

Good Morning!

When I wake up in the morning, I like to read the newspaper while I eat breakfast. In order of reading it goes sports, then the front page, the comics, and finally the entertainment section. My weekday breakfast morning ALWAYS ends one of two ways:

Scenario 1. I'm actually up early enough to peruse all the afore-mentioned topics, and I'll become angry after reading the entertainment section. On the other hand, I probably also was up early enough to make eggs or something awesome for breakfast. Morning = bad.

Scenario 2. I get up and have to rush out, eating cereal or toast and just quickly scanning the front page or sports. Whatever's open already. Morning = still bad.

You might have noticed that both scenarios ended in bad mornings. As it should be. I'm not one of those people that are grumpy, need coffee, can't wake up, etc. Mornings just fucking blow. You have a full day of tasks ahead of you that need doing. And that blows.

BUT, do you know what would make mornings in which I can read the entertainment section much more tolerable? If I didn't have to read SOME RANDOMLY SELECTED TURD BAG TELLING ME THE NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE IS SUPER AWESOME. I trusted Roger Ebert with my movie reviews. Movie reviews were meaningful! Now there's a different person every goddamn week, and usually 2 or 3 of them to boot. Ok, this stupid girl gave the Blind Side 3 out of 5 stars, and this dude over here gave 2012 3 out of 4 stars. You know what I give the newspaper and its movie reviewers? 2 fists out of 1 ass.

These people don't know shit about movies. Go read Roger Ebert's wikipedia page. I'll wait. Now look up Jay Stone, one of the regular dipshits that reviews movies. Find anything? Try Google.

This is straight out of his biography on the Ottawa Citizen website, and I couldn't believe how perfectly worded this was.

"Jay Stone has worked for The Ottawa Citizen for so long that he gets his 25-year watch this year. Fresh out of the University of Toronto, he started his newspaper career in 1971 at the Packet and Times in Orillia, Ont., as the worst reporter-photographer in the Thomson newspaper chain, and subsequently moved on to become the worst assistant editor at Southam Business Publications in Toronto."


"He became a film critic in 1994. His qualifications are that he has seen a lot of films and enjoys writing about them."

I think I can pretty much leave this post with that.