Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Masses Are Mentally Retarded

"Meet The Spartans" beat out "Rambo" and "Untraceable" for no. 1 at the box office.


It doesn't matter if you think Stallone is too old, don't like gory movies, not in the mood for action, feel like seeing a funny movie, or whatever. But if you knowingly and willingly choose to see "Meet The Spartans" over any other movie in theatres, you are a goddamn retard.

Is society this fucked up that any dickhead can gather all the pop-culture fads in to one giant bowl, take a proverbial dump in this bowl, and put it in theatres to make millions? The answer is yes.

This travesty pretty much coincides with news in general today. People prefer to know every little detail about a meaningless person than about events that could affect their lives. Example. Headline on Yahoo today: Halle Berry gets new haircut


Thank God! It's a good thing Yahoo is on top of this breaking news! Oh, this just in, Christian Bale just had a poop! And look at Mariah Carey's new dress! AND FUCK MY ASS WITH A GRAPEFRUIT ANGELINA JOLIE IS WALKING HER DOG IN THE PARK! Who cares that the government is imposing new laws and cutting benefits in different programs? That stuff is soooo boring!

The directors and writers of Meet the Spartans(as well as Epic Movie, Date Movie): Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck you Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck all your stupid movies. You two ballsack lickers are just feeding the idiot's hunger for life-engulfing celebrity news.

Jason and Aaron on set, plum full of douchejuice

I can't imagine going their movies and not being totally hammered. I'm guessing I'd become more and more enraged with each passing unfunny joke until I stood and yelled: THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST FUCKING MOVIE IN THE WORLD. Then I'd pick up people in the theatre and throw them into the screen(probably).

Yet Meet the Spartans is the movie of choice for the masses. It raked in 18.7 million in its opening weekend, which, according to my calculations if each ticket was 10$, makes 1.87 million undiagnosed mentally handicapped people.


Nazi Synthesizer said...

Is anyone really surprised? The States (and here) are full-up on idiots who think half-baked ideas for a movie like this are funny. This shit wouldn't even hold up in a SNL skit. It's that bad.

The very fact that there are people in this world who think this sort of thing (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.) is disturbing and actually kind of frightening. It sickens me.

Friedberg and Seltzer need to die. The very fact they are employed is mind-boggling. I can only hope they are already ostracized in Hollywood and whenever they walk down the street, people kick them in their vaginas.

It absolutely makes me 100% sure there is no God. That these two faggots are rich as fuck, for writing the worst fucking horse shit movies I have ever witnessed. That anyone's ever witness. I am dirt fucking poor and these two are are fucking each other with solid gold dildos. Where's the justice? Honestly, I had a more mature and intellectual sense of humor when I was in grade 3. Seriously, back then, even I would have thought their movies were way too fucking terrible and unfunny. And I went to see Kazaam.

Clock Cleaner said...

the same people who watch these movies make tv shows like "Hogan Knows Best" and "The Bussey Bunch" and any show on MTV popular.

PigBearMan? said...

Whoa...let's not bring Hootie into this. I can't handle how fucking crazy people are over celebrities. Why the fuck do people care that Britney Spears' sister is pregnant at whatever fuckin age she is? Sam got knocked up by a guy that went to jail for cocaine possession in grade 10 or 11 and nobody in the world fucking cared. People are stupid and armageddon is the only way to rid the world of them...maybe some crazy new end of the world that hasn't been put on screen yet. Make it exciting.

Clock Cleaner said...

I'm telling you...get a group of disgruntled ex-soldiers, buy some sniper rifles, and start picking off celebrities. They'd be heroes.

Wally MS said...

If you guys hate these movies so much, shouldnt you hate all the scary movies. You should especially hate the first one because that is the movie that started it all.

On the celebrity thread, forget about soldiers or sniper rifles. You could hire a bum to just shoot them in face. It would be everywhere because there are at least 50 paparazzi following every person that has ever been in a movie or had a song in the top 500. Barring that, JUST FUCKING IGNORE THEM. I don't want my news to revolve around who Paris Hilton is blowing today.

PigBearMan? said...

Marc, fuck you for liking Epic/Date Movie. By not saying you hate them I must assume you fucking loved it. Plus we all hate them, so you must like it.

How can you even compare them to the first Scary Movie? It was written by the Wayans brothers so you know that there is at least comedic talent behind it. Same with the second one actually. The third one was pretty good too actually (Charlie "Whore Fucker" Sheen is the balls), but the fourth was where it went downhill.

And the first Scary Movie did not "start it all". They did something (somewhat) creative and put some effort into making a funny movie, rather than pumping out a new, shitty script every 3 months to steal money from retards across North America. The guys in that Cowboys video on KSK are the reason these movies succeed.

The Manute Bol Experience said...

I have an idea that could put an end to all of our problems.

A law is instituted where every five to ten years every person has to be interviewed by this panel of judges who hold each person's life in their hands. Each interviewee is hooked to a polygraph and graded in a pass/fail system. Pass, and you walk out and move on with life. If you fail, however, you are immediately killed by lethal injection or are otherwise executed.

You would be judged on simple, everyday things like which movies you see, the comments you make, and any other socially unacceptable things that you do. Each negative action would be given a negative point value and exceedingly awesome actions would earn you positive points. If you pass a certain threshold of negative, it's all over. For example, going to see Meet the Spartans on opening weekend is -30 points, murder is -25, and so on. Do something good, like cure polio, and you earn positive points.

Of course, it would be pretty nerve racking to go get interviewed for this process knowing that there is a firing squad waiting through door number two, but I think it could work. At the very least, it would motivate people to not act like shitheads.

Nazi Synthesizer said...

I like that idea.

Scary movies were retarded, but at least you got a few stupid laughs. More than you can say about Epic/Date/Spartans.

Wayans brothers are in the same shit heap. Don't even get me started about them. They are pretty funny comedic actors, but can't write anything that doesn't fucking embarrass themselves. The White Chick? What the fuck was that?

Wally MS said...

I never saw Date/Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans, so back the fuck off. Secondly, yes the first Scary Movie was funny. But because of its funnyness and the fact it was a somewhat box office hit, pursuaded people to make other shitty movies along the same line.

I like the lie detector law. But the executions would be better carried out en masse. They just make new Meet the Spartan type movies. People go see it, but the theatre does double duty as a gas/crematorium. Or if that is too Nazi-ish, you could make the lie detector chair an electric/lethal injection chair.

O the possibilities are endless.

PigBearMan? said...

Man you can't compare the Wayans brothers of Scary Movie to the Wayans brothers of White Chicks. They just stopped caring after a while...

Nazi Synthesizer said...

It's the same fucking jokes. Although, White Chicks was a much dumber idea. Besides that, I don't see much of a difference. I watched the first Scary Movie when it came out and thought it was the funniest shit on earth. I was also 12. The very age these people act who go see Meet the Spartans. I've watched Scary Movie recently, laughed a couple times, but realized how immature you have to be to laugh the way I did back then.