Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever

The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.

And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.

The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.

There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.

On to the predictions...

-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.

-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.

- I will be drunk.

- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.

- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.

- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for dating service.

- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.

- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.

- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).

- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.

- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.

- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.

- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.