Jokes Minus Jokes

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Corporal Smithson.

Corporal Smithson who?

Corporal Smithson, sir, with Marine Corp. It is my duty to inform you that your 2 sons have been killed in Iraq. I regret to inform you that they were forced to have anal sex with each other before being executed and dragged through the streets.

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A chimpanzee, a lion, and a man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you 3?"

The man says: "What? 3? What are you talking about?

The bartender says: "You came in with a chimpanzee and a lion."

The man says: "What are you ta...SWEET JESUS A LION!"

This noise startles the lion, who, out of instinct, immediately attacks the man, severing his arm and clamping down on his carotid artery in order to neutralize the threat. Lions are territorial animals and don't respond well to sudden noises or movements. Turns out some teenagers had accidentally let animals escape from the nearby zoo in their attempt at juvenile fun. One teenager was mauled to death, while the other 2 were charged with a variety of crimes. Not to mention they had the death of their good friend on their conscience.

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What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The airlines have actually cut out airline snacks entirely, due to the harsh economic times. There do remain a few airlines that provide a very small bag of trail mix, but this is very high in salt and low in nutrition.

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Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street, people point and say: "Is that a man or a woman?"

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3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

They faced an extremely odd test to get into heaven that was solely based on quick wit, and not their life accomplishments or good deeds. It was an extremely unfair process, and all the families of the dead men were extremely heartbroken at this sudden loss of a family member.
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Why did the pedophile get fired from his job at the steel mill?

Because he didn't provide his criminal record to the manager. When they found out, he got fired. A couple unfortunate clicks on the internet, and now he's essentially unemployable.

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Did you hear the one about the extremely hairy man with an art history degree?

He has slowly come to realize his career choice hasn't been fulfilling at all, but he's too old to do anything else.

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