NFL Power Rankings

Power Rankings are so arbitrary and useless. But THESE ones come with no real analysis at all! Yay!

1. Colts

Ain't no one stopping the Colts. They do whatever they want. It makes me pretty sad.

2. Saints

Every time Drew Brees throws the ball, he yells "DREW BREEEEES!!" They'll be the top team in the NFC. Look at their schedule. The Pats, and that's it.

3. Vikings

They should have beat the Steelers, and fuck the Steelers' defence. They're not "incredible" because Chester Taylor can't catch. He catches that ball, and everyone knob-slobs Favre and wonders what's wrong with the Steelers.

4.Broncos

Just goes to show how fast a team turnaround can be. Really though? The shittiest defence last year, lost their franchise QB, AND drafted another fucking runningback, which they had plenty of in the first place.

5. Patriots

Assholes. I really hope something bad happens to them. However, I bet a divisional playoff loss is the actual outcome. Which is fine by me.

6. Bengals

I told everyone I knew all year that they would be good, and they are. Eat it. Looking at the schedule, if they can beat either the Steelers or Ravens again, I like them winning the division.

7. Steelers

I've given up on lifting the toilet seat up when I piss. I feel that I'm accurate enough to hit the bowl straight through. If I miss, there's nothing toilet paper can't fix.

8. Packers

They can beat anyone in the league if they can protect him and he gets the ball out quicker. Why are so many people Packers fans? I don't understand.

9. Ravens

The Ravens have switched, and their offense is now the good part of their team. Their defense is getting worked. I like them, but they'll need a lot of luck to make the playoffs.

10. Cardinals

What's with Kurt Warner's jersey? It looks so obscenely different from everyone else's in the league. Just get the cool-looking quarterback sleeves and quit it with this shit.

11. Eagles

RAIDERS! I won't get over that for awhile. Oh, and Michael Vick is fucking TERRIBLE. I can't believe he's on that team.

12. Cowboys

I like Tony Romo, but I also like seeing Tony Romo fail miserably. I'm often conflicted. But the failures are so much more spectacular when the postseason rolls around, so it's an easy decision then.

13. Texans

Their offense is deadly, I look forward to their second-half breakthrough. I feel like people who live in Texas outside of Houston who cheer for the Texans are considered gay. I don't know why.

14. Atlanta

Could make the playoffs because the NFC is pretty bad this year. Their offense can't be as anemic as it was against the Cowboys though, or they're looking at 8-8.

15. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Use mozza cheese. Fuck. Those are some good grilled cheese sandwiches. Whoever thought of melting cheese on things is a goddamn hero.

16. Jets

I had started writing about Mike Silver's columns, then I decided it would take too long.

17. Giants
Ok, I think the Giants suck. Everyone was all "their secondary is the best in the league" when they played the Saints. It wasn't. They just played incredibly shitty teams. Yeah, you can beat the Raiders by a lot. Congrats. I say no playoffs for the Giants. AND WHY ARE THEIR JERSEYS SO TIGHT??

18. Dolphins

Chad Henne is our franchise quarterback! He's a great talent!....said everyone after he did good in his first game. What's that? One game proves nothing? No kidding.

19. Chargers

Oh yes, I love it. I don't expect them in the playoffs this year. No running game, no defense, good luck.

20. Bears

Oh Jay. Football players need to be more humble when they make career decisions. If you've got a great line and great receivers, take what you can get. The Bears offense as a whole is so bad. When Housh was searching for a team, he visited Minnesota, then decided against playing with them because they had a shitty quarterback at the time. I thought that was awesome. Lions beating them isn't out of the question.

21. Seahawks

I like figuring out little things that are sad about people. Like a guy I know wears a hat all the time. I've never really noticed or thought anything about it until one time I saw him without a hat, and he was balding. And I saw him mingling with younger people once in an unappropriate hat environment, and he was wearing a hat. Just accept who you are!! And shave it into a horseshoe already...

22. 49ers

Alex Smith is their new starting quarterback. Good luck with all that.

23. Panthers

I really like Jake Delhomme. His on-field antics are absolutely hilarious. His fried chicken commercials are equally as hilarious. I wish I could talk to him. Boy does he suck this year.

24. Jaguars

Who cares.

25. Bills

That's pretty crazy that they've only allowed one WR touchdown all year...to Brian Hartline. I like that A LOT. They still suck. And Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't going to help things.

26. Redskins

I saw an NFL Films thing on Jim Zorn and Steve Largent last night. It was awesome. I hadn't known much at all about Zorn before he took the head coach job, and I bet a lot of people were the same way. He's driven a yellow Beetle to work every day of his life, he loves fake field goals and Steve Largent is his best friend. I love learning that kind of stuff. There was also a segment about Centers and Quarterbacks and their relationship. I could watch NFL films all day long and never get bored.


27. Chiefs

Larry's gettin frustrated!

28. Saskatchewan Roughriders

Great game against the Lions. Darian Durant is awesome, and I'm sick of people who want to bench him after a mediocre performance. He has one bad game sometimes and everyone gets all crazy to bench him.

29. Raiders

I hope Al Davis lives forever. He runs a football team the way I've run Madden teams in the past. Get whoever has the top 40 time, pay players whatever they ask, pick up whoever seems like they have the highest overall rating. If a quarterback has high throw power, you can just develop his accuracy. All Madden moves. I bet Al plays a lot of Madden.

30. Titans

Please start Vince Young. Him and Jamarcus can doom black quarterbacks for eternity. They will singlehandedly erase all the work Martin Luther King did.

31. Lions

Is this almost over?

32. Rams

At least this team seems to believe they are building toward something. In the meantime, they should have shipped off Bulger for whatever they can get. A rookie QB next year, couple other good pickups, and they could be 6-10. That's a step.

33. Browns

Being an NFL player on a really bad team would be the worst. It would ruin your entire year with sadness, disappointment, and injuries. And especially if you know that next year the team will be just as shitty.

34. Buccaneers

Finally. Time for lunch.