Riding the Pine

Whatever. It's cool. I don't even want to play, anyway. Pfff...I mean, he's got all the stress of proving himself, and I get to sit here and look cool. And boy, do I look cool. I'm gonna see if any hot chicks want a piece of this after the game. I'll just turn around and quickly scan the crowd and pretend I'm too cool to make eye contact with anyone. Gotta put a little water in my hair first...there. Here goes.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with a very serious look, turns back around)

Sweet.

I think that went well. Tum ta tum...lots of people showed up today. Tum te ta te too... Boringggggggg. Hey, you, defenceman. Rough game out there? Yeah, looks shitty. Good thing I don't have to play...suckers. Ha!

...

Oh! Oh! Did you see that?! Did you see what he did? Like, seriously...you're starting THIS guy? DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID? Fucking hell, I'm way better than that... DUDE! COVER YOUR REBOUNDS! 25 ALWAYS SHOOTS LOW! Holy Christ let me play. I can't fucking take this anymore. STICK SIDE! STICK SIDE!

You know what? Fuck it. This is a lost cause. This team sucks, and if they're stupid enough to start this retard, they deserve to lose. It's a team game, you say? Well fuck you. If I can't be part of the team, then I don't have to care. I look cool sitting here anyway. I'm gonna do that serious look thing to the crowd again. Maybe I'll make eye contact with a hot girl this time.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with serious look, turns back around)

I'm awesome at that. I love wearing all this equipment, too. Makes me look badass. I'm like a robot. NO! Like a mech. Yeah, a mech. Guhhh, that mech game sucked for Xbox. I think Batman would be a sweet game if they actually put the effort in. Like GTA, except you're Batman. How fucking cool would that be?

...

I'm cooler than Batman. Yeah, if Batman was out here on the ice, he'd fucking fall right on his fat ass. Batskates my ass. He couldn't save shit. The Flash would be pretty good at hockey, I think. Maybe the Green Lantern, too. I can't wait for that Justice League movie. The Flash is in that right? Hey, you, defenceman, THE FLASH IS IN THAT NEW JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE RIGHT? Hey, don't fucking ignore me, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME. Whatever...fuck him. Where's the Gatorade?

DAMN YOU Reverse Racism!

This is so dumb.

Watch commercials on tv. Look for a commercial that centers around 2 or 3 people...obviously, this is the vast majority of commercials. Now, the vast majority of THESE commercials are usually trying to be funny, making one of the characters a bumbling idiot or a fool.

This is the interesting part.

In 90% of all commercials like this, the smart and savvy person will be black. The fool? Always white. No matter what. There will never be a black person cast in a role that makes them look foolish. It's also weird that it is always the exact same setup. The fool HAS to be white. The smooth guy HAS to be black. Like not even asian or spanish. Ever. Always black. I have no idea why the smooth guy has to be black. Because black people are stereotyped as being cool? The exact same format will apply to so many commercials in all areas...NFL.com, Campbell's soup, Muchmusic, the new Xbox 360 Wrestling game, etc. I've seen about 3 different ones today. A hearty "fuck you" goes out to you, advertising.

This offends me not as a white person, but as someone who thinks society is just way too wrapped up in trying to not look racist. People so scared of doing anything to offend any minority, that they'll do the exact opposite, essentially coming out and flat-out saying: "Look! See? I've cast a BLACK guy in this role! See? See? HA HA HA! GUESS WHO ISN'T A RACIST!!" It's like the people who go out of their way to show that they voted for Barack Obama, just to prove they aren't racist.

They're wrong. All this proves is that they care way too much about the color of someone's skin. Back to Obama for a sec...if you voted for Obama, you better have fucking voted for him because you like his policies, his ideas, or his youthful vigor. I think he'll be an awesome president. But for any race, if you voted for him solely because he's black, you are mentally retarded. Anyway, back to this advertising bullshit. Seriously, watch for these commercials. They're on all the time. I know there's nothing really anyone can do, because people are idiots and they'll freak out if a minority is degraded in a commercial. So all I ask is that you just recognize that it's there.

And maybe write a stupid blog post about it.

DAMMIT, the toilet paper should be rolling forward!

(enters bathroom)

HOLY CAT-FUCKING JESUS!

WHO replaced the toilet paper, put on a roll with ONE PLY, and then PLACED THE ENTIRE GODDAMN THING COMPLETELY FUCKING BACKWARDS?!?!

I mean, I deal with shit daily. On the field, off the field, but this is the last straw. When Mike Singletary takes his spot on the shitter, that toilet paper better be in THE OPTIMAL POSITION FOR ASS-WIPING! I don't fucking ask for much around here. The least this whole fucked-up organization could do for me is keep the toilets in decently half-ass condition.

(shits)

Christ, these idiots know I can't see the bottom of the toilet paper when it's on backwards, and I fucking told them I like to be conservative with the amount of toilet paper I use.

DAMMIT!

I DIDN'T WANT 4 PIECES! THIS IS TOO MUCH!
Fucking hell...now I have to rip this into 2 separate pieces so I can use them later in my ass-wiping...gotta set them on my lap here...FUCK I HATE YOU WHOEVER DID THIS...ok got to get a 3-piecer this time. Got it....

(sheets fall off lap)

OH. MY. GOD. I HATE THIS ENTIRE FUCKING ORGANIZATION RUN BY A BUNCH OF BUTTFUCKING ASSHOLES I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE! A PISS COVERED FLOOR WITH MY PRECIOUS TP!

(reaches down to the floor to pick up dropped toilet paper, promptly falls over and knocks himself out on the stall door.)

(Vernon Davis enters, shit on his head.)

VD: Now we even, bitch.

Drinking

Why do I drink? Am I drunk right now? The answer to both those questions is a resounding "YES!" I think I drink(that rhymes BITCH)to have fun. BUT IS IT NECESSARY? NO! I can have fun when I don't drink, but really, not even close to as much. That's probably true in many aspects, but I'm tired. HOLY SHIT REMEMBER WHEN RICHARD FELL DOWN THAT HILL???? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA FUCK that was funny. Wow I'm really tired. I usually fall asleep on the couch every single weekend night, but I bet I can make it upstairs and brush my teeth. Yes, I think I'll be able to do that while typing here laying at a really awkward angle. AW Shit work tomorrow I'm gonna go work. FUCK. So in summation, keep it real.

I Like You...But You're Crazy

Funniest part of that movie...watched it over and over today.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard has Career Day, Brings Kyle Along for the Ride

Guess who was 24-of-34 for 334 yards and had a 121.4 rating to go with 2 touchdowns today?

That's right. Kyle mawfuckin Orton. Of course, he played the Lions, but still. He's Kyle Orton. Frankly, I'm stunned he didn't run for 200 yards and throw another 5 touchdowns. He's better than he showed today, so hopefully he picks it up next week.

From the Yahoo Summary: Like many NFL players, Orton loves playing the Lions. “Yeah, I do for some reason,”

What a mystery! What could the reason be?! Somebody get Sherlock Holmes on the phone!

This was Jon Kitna's breaking news on Yahoo: "The Associated Press reports Detroit Lions QB Dan Orlovsky relieved QB Jon Kitna in the third quarter of the team's Week 5 game. He went 13-for-23 for 97 yards and one touchdown in the game. He set career highs in completions, attempts and yards."

Originally I didn't think anything of it, but how stupid is the last part? It's so dumb. I thought maybe he had reached milestones in all those categories or something, but not even close. Of course he reached career highs. Every time he completes a pass or even attempts one he's setting a new career high. Idiots.

Next: Fuck you Bud Light. You have "drinkability?" Let's get this straight. You have a product. You need to have a reason that people will choose your product over other similar products. So you made up an adjective to describe your product, and you base your entire ad campaign around it? Right...that'll work. And what does that even mean? I sure hope you can fucking drink it. It's a "drink" and I am able to "drink" this so-called "drink." That clears a lot up.

Every company should do that! Let's buy footballs from Nike because they're footbally. Choose Nintendo Wii over other game consoles because it has high levels of videogameliness!
OMG EVERYONE LETS GO TO BEST BUY AND GET 360'S!

I Love This Commercial

The Discovery Channel is a great channel. It's the one channel that, at this current time, I can't find any flaws with. They always have original programming and it's usually awesome. They don't advertise dumb stereotypes or show programs that portray false idols. I love the Discovery Channel.

Kid Rock: Making Me Want To Kill Myself All Summer Long

You've no doubt heard Kid Rock's song "All Summer Long." Everyone has...it's the fucking "anthem of the summer!" or so some say. And it's a terrible, terrible song. Summer has come to an end and so has the huge popularity run of this song(although it's still going), but fact is, this baby should have been smothered the second it came out.

It's a big pile-on of three songs. Most noticably, Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London." It also rips off "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyd and Steve Miller Band's "Take the Money and Run."I'll give Kid Rock some credit here, as it's quite a feat to rip off 3 songs without getting sued. Most people are only familiar with the "Sweet Home Alabama" rip-off, but it's quite apparent "Werewolves of London" is his worst offense.



I think there is something severely wrong with music when musicians can blatantly rip off songs, repackage them a little differently, then release them back into the public again and they go to #1. Thing is, it's not really their fault. Once again, it comes back around to stupid people. Most people have already heard all these songs. I've heard all three of those songs before, and I like them in their individual ways. They're pretty good. So I don't really want to hear them again, EVERY 5TH SONG. I liked "Sweet Child o' Mine" when I first heard it, and I still like it, but I sure don't want to hear a slightly different version of it a million times when I'm listening to the radio. Nor should anyone else. So it's the same thing with "All Summer Long," I would think.

Of course, it doesn't happen that way. People ate the song up and it reached #1 on numerous billboard charts.

I don't particularly mind when musicians take inspiration from old songs. Like Johnny Cash's "Hurt"(taken from Nine Inch Nails) or GNR's "Knockin on Heaven's Door"(taken from Bob Dylan). The musicians add their own original flavour to the song. What I hate about this one is that Kid Rock has just added some fake-southern wannabe lyrics to the exact same music. He doesn't have an original flavour to add. He's got nothing. Let's face it, he's not a real talented guy.

Kid Rock, you're a buttfucking piece of shit

Ha

An Innocent Typo...OR IS IT?

"Associated Press- DES MOINES, Iowa - The president of an Iowa college says he's sorry about an unfortunate and offensive typo in a school handbook.

A calendar entry for Feb. 16, 2009, was supposed to read "Black History Lunch and Learn." Instead, it says "Black History Linch and Learn."

The handbook was distributed to about 10,000 students before the mistake was discovered."

That's some funny shit right there, but I find it really hard to believe this is a typo. You know they're typing this stuff in Word, or at least something similar. Of course whatever program they're using is going to have spellcheck. So how is it even possible to miss that? Linch isn't a word, unless you're talking about Linch, a loose collection of hamlets and a civil parish in the Chichester District of West Sussex, England. And that most definitely is not in the Microsoft Word dictionary. It would have clearly shown up as an error.

I doubt anything will happen to the guy who typed it(fire him), and people will probably forget all about it in a couple days, but it's interesting to see these little jolts of blatant racial hatred once in awhile.

Some Things That Are Stupid. Some That Are Awesome.

Wrestling= Stupid.

Maltesers commercials= Stupid.

KIA radio commercials= Stupid. KIA is so nice and gooooduh...funny the first time, sickening the 500th time.

Peeing after holding it in for a long time= Awesome.

Juliette Lewis= Stupid. Incredibly ugly, and lots of people think she's hot. They're stupid too.

Taking a giant crap that comes out smooth and clean= Awesome.

Brandon Marshall= Awesome.

Idiots in classes who feel the need to say something despite the fact they have
absolutely nothing to say= Stupid.

When you do a group thing in class, and there's a mildly hot girl, who is also half-retarded, that wants to lead everyone in the discussion.= Stupid.

The guy who is desperately trying to make sexual relations with the afore-mentioned mildly hot girl by agreeing completely with everything she says and pretending like he's super cool by not caring about the material being discussed= Stupid.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard= Still Awesome.

The Philadelphia Bomb Squad being called in and exploding hot dogs that had been heavily wrapped and left outside the stadium.= Stupid.

Everyone saying "better safe than sorry!" after the hot dogs had been blown up.= Stupid. Hooray for widespread terrorism fears! Get fucked.

Cracked.com photoshop contests= Awesome.

My First Feature Production

I know you'll enjoy this. It's the first film of many I plan on starring in. Here.

Hey! A Post!

BURNING QUESTION: Why does TSN hire woman sportscasters?

When Jennifer Hedger came on board, I felt....well...weird about it. That's really the only way I can describe it. It's like this. I watch most sports, or at least the highlights of most sports. The sports I watch are played by men, watched by men, everything about these sports involves men. They are made for men. The typical feeling on women involving themselves with men's sports is that they just shouldn't be there. Stay out of a man's way when it comes to sports, they say. That stereotype is propagated over and over through various commercials and other advertisements like that.

Sure there's the odd woman who likes football or something. That's great. Some girls like sports, but not many. So when you're broadcasting to a mass audience that consists of 95% men, why have the person who is doing the broadcasting project a massive negative image on the sport? If almost everyone believes women don't know anything about sports, well guess what...a SPORTS program isn't going to be well-received if it's delivered by a fucking WOMAN. It's like if you and all your friends are Nazis all sitting around at home, and a Jew comes to the door trying to sell you tanks at a discount price. He knows full well you are a Nazi, and he goes on explaining all the new features of the the tanks. The tanks really ARE awesome. Well, since you really need the tanks, you'll buy them. But you're thinking: "Damn, that was weird. That Jew is lucky I already know my shit about tanks or I'd be pissed. I'd feel way better if it was another Nazi selling me those tanks."

The broadcaster might know something about sports, but that really doesn't matter. She's the embodiment of anti-sports. You're just sacrificing the quality and reputation of your programming if you put her on the air.

Jennifer Hedger is alright, but she's a woman. I've already got it in my head that she's only there because TSN is trying to diversify their station, so I'm not buying her act. She's a good actor though. The thing that set me off here is this new woman they brought in. She is atrocious...the worst sportscaster I've seen yet. Seriously, what are they trying to do over there?

Brett Favre: Keeping The Madden Curse Alive

All this talk about Brett Favre is making everybody - even those fucking cheeseheads - mental, but we are all forgetting one very important aspect of his comeback: it gives the Madden Curse a chance to continue. When EA gave Favraro the Madden cover, it looked like he would be free from a career-ending injury or yet another shit terrible season. Lucky for us, he has decided to test the Madden Curse this season.

I'm not looking for a season in which Favraro rides the pine for the Packers, either. That might be sufficient to justify the Curse, but I think John Madden needs to step up his game. Really fuck his shit up. Maybe a frothy-mouthed and disoriented Shawne Merriman can snap his neck. While Favre is walking off the field after a crucial interception (This one can only happen if the Panthers get him, which would have the added bonus of being week 1). Maybe Favre will throw a touchdown to an eligible lineman, then proceed to put said lineman on his shoulders. Vertebrae will fracture, his spine will compress, the lineman will fall on him. Everybody wins.

Maybe, just maybe, the Curse will really reward the world. Favraro will stay with the Packers, who will go 18-0 on their way to the Super Bowl (probably against the Dolphins). Of course, he will not have played in any of those games because he's an asshole. In the Super Bowl, however, with the game tied 2-2 and the Pack in the redzone with :15 remaining, Aaron Rodgers will have a chunk of hair pulled out by Joey Porter (naturally) and be forced to leave the game. It's Favraro time!

All he needs to do is get a clean handoff to Ricky Williams (high as a kite) so they can kick a game-winning field goal. But he sees a hole in the defense! Audible! He sends his only wide-out on a fade and underthrows him by 12 yards where, for whatever reason, Paul Soliai is waiting. As he rumbles down the sideline with time expired, Favraro is the only man with a shot at him (the guy weighs 355 fucking pounds). Soliai promptly stiff arms Favraro, compressing his spine and fracturing several vertebrae (again, 355 fucking pounds). While the Fins celebrate their championship, Shawne Merriman rushes the field and snaps Favraro's neck.

That John Madden is one crazy S.O.B.

Boners for Batman, Shriveled for Spencer, and Other Recent Rumblings

Since I have incredibly little time to post on here, savor this.

-The Dark Knight keeps getting new trailers. I know you already know this, but I'm 100% sure this movie will be the fucking best movie of the year. By FAR. But in recent days I've thought about all the trailers and teasers they keep putting out. It's starting to get to be too many. I can't resist watching them when they come out, but dammit...I don't want to see the entire movie before I can get into a Batman zone. Showing me a cool clip in the middle of another TV show throws me off my game.

-I saw a clip of Spencer Pratt on FilmDrunk the other day, and he's a fucking idiot. I feel like an idiot mentioning his name here because he has absolutely no reason to be talked about at all. He's some douchebag on The Hills. Letterman rips into him pretty good about being nothing, but Spencer is one of those guys who don't realize they are hated almost universally by average people. He refers to himself as a partner for aspiring rappers(as a job) and says he gets 100,000 to go to clubs. He won't go to a club for less than 100,000. Fuck him.

-You know, there are a lot of shitty commercials on TV. A LOT. But I've found that Mr. Sub is consistently able to put out very good commercials. They don't usually make a heap of sense, but they are always memorable and funny. Kudos to them. Rogers is still at their usual shitheadedness when it comes to commercials. I refuse to buy anything from them because of their bombarding me with these god-awful ads.

-I was in Superstore the other day, and as a former employee, I noticed their new monthly uniforms were long-sleeved collared shirts. I also noticed that everyone there has decided to roll up the sleeves, and not button the collared shirt completely. Every employee I saw had this. Many more had necklaces(guys) or other bullshit to make themselves think they look like a rebel or something. All I know is they were all going for a certain look, and they all failed. This isn't really a big deal, but I just want them to be miserable and all conform while I figure out if the lower fat ranch dressing is worth spending 47 more cents for.

-This is completely irrelevant to anyone's life, but the last couple times I've been at the gym, there has been this girl about my age who runs on the treadmill. She is moderately good-looking. Fake tans too much, bleaches her hair I'm guessing and is a little chubby. Anyways, she runs really intensely on the treadmill, like she's running a marathon. About half the time, she sets the treadmill on an incline and runs on that for a long time. Thing is, she holds on the handles at the front and just leans back on the treadmill so she's actually running straight, making the entire point of running on an incline useless. This goes on for 20 minutes or so and it just kills me whenever I happen to glance over. She looks so fucking stupid leaning all the way back, she has no clue she looks so dumb, and the exercise is completely useless. It's awesome.