I went on Facebook last night because I have few real friends, and I saw a little discussion on somebody's wall about SOPA. This discussion wasn't on one of my friends' walls - it was just something a friend had commented on. The first stupid thing I did was read the discussion, because it blinded me with rage and essentially ruined my night.
Without getting into too much detail, the topic started with a simple "What the hell are we going to do without all of our websites?!?", which is a perfectly reasonable concern when it comes to this shit bill. Then some asshole (let's call him Dick Lips) decided to chime in with something stupid like "HA! Silly girl...we're in Canada! This bill doesn't affect us at all!" You know what her response was? "Oh thank god! I was worried it would ruin the internet." Now, I'm perfectly fine with people not understanding SOPA and what it can lead to. It's a complicated and horribly vague bill that even the people voting on it don't fully understand. What I'm not fine with is people spreading misinformation on a topic that so few people understand, leading to people just taking their word for it. If you haven't bothered to research the bill and actually learn about it, don't act like your smart by just making shit up.
This is where I started to get pathetic. Rather than just letting it go and moving on with my night of butthole fingering, I decided I needed to inform these people how wrong Dick Lips is and that we're all going to die when the internet sucks. However, because I'm not friends with this girl, I couldn't comment on it. Take a wild guess what I did. Nope, more pathetic. Even sadder. That's right - I told the girl I was talking to to comment on it for me. If that isn't the saddest fucking thing you can do on Facebook, I don't know what is. Not only did she agree to it, but she was actually excited! She saw it as a way to impress people with random knowledge, and I saw it as a way to anonymously tell a guy he's stupid. Win-win.
I would guess I spent a total of about 75 minutes relaying information to her, waiting for Dick Lips to respond with more stupid, dropping more knowledge on him, and so on (FWIW, his main argument was that the domains are global, so the US can't shut them down for anyone outside the US. He also said something about the websites being multinational corporations. He might be legally retarded). Worst 75 minutes of my life. It was like arguing with a tree. Eventually, I got so upset that I stooped even lower into loserdom. Yep, I sent a friend request to the girl. For the sole purpose of telling this guy how wrong he was. It wasn't even about helping other people understand SOPA anymore. I just wanted to see this idiot admit defeat. I woke up this morning, saw that she accepted my friend request, and wrote a paragraph explaining why he was wrong. I won. There was no way Dick Lips could refute my research and expertise. Everyone would see how SOPA affects Canadians, and I'm the genius that delivered that to them.
Nope. Nobody responded. Pretty sure nobody gave a shit anymore. All I did was spend way too much time trying to show up some random guy on Facebook. Fuck.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Stupid People Make Me Do Stupid Things
Posted by Inbred Nation at 11:47 PM 14 comments
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ
News story on Yahoo!
"Domino’s delivery driver comes to the rescue of elderly daily customer
Every day for the past three years, 82-year-old Jean Wilson of Memphis has ordered a large, thin-crust pepperoni pizza and two diet cokes from a local Domino's Pizza. Some are now saying that Wilson's Domino's habit may have saved her life.
Wilson recently had a fall in her house and wound up not being able to power herself up. So after her regular order failed to surface for three days delivery driver Susan Guy--who said she's come home numerous times in the past to find her cancer-stricken mother on the floor after a fall--took it upon herself to drive to Wilson's house to check on her.
"I said, 'she hasn't called in three days?' " Guy told the Today Show. "I have to go."
Guy told the show that when she arrived at Wilson's address, she beat on all the windows and doors of the house, but heard no response, so she called 911. When police paramedics arrived and entered the home, they found Wilson on the floor. She's reportedly doing well, and is expected to return home soon."
Let's not waste time. What the FUCK is this lady doing ordering a large pizza every day for 3 FUCKING YEARS?! That's the kind of behaviour that gets you locked up in a mental institution. Say it costs $20 for the large pizza and two diet cokes. I have no idea. That's over $7000 a year, and over $21,000 for 3 years! Are they serious? EVERY DAY for 3 whole years? That's what the article says. No "almost every day for 3 years." I can't even comprehend how a person can do that. You have to be mentally ill. And besides the actual ordering of the pizza, HOW DOES SHE EAT A LARGE PIZZA AND DRINK 2 DIET COKES WHEN SHE'S 82 FUCKING YEARS OLD? Yeah, no shit she fell and couldn't get up.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 1:17 PM 2 comments
Monday, February 14, 2011
Your 2011 Grammy Review
If we're using correct punctuation, it's the Grammies. But we're not. And really, it’s an indication of the type of night the public experiences when watching the Grammys. Looks good, but something is off. The Grammys look really good, but really, are just musicians congratulating themselves for making music. To me, the Grammys are an opportunity to watch elaborate performances and collaborations. I couldn’t give two shits who wins Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Duet or whatever other garbage is out there. As for the actual awards, I remember two things.
1. Best New Artist was won by someone who isn’t Justin Bieber or Drake.
2. Arcade Fire won Album of the Year.
That’s it. And you know what? Both of those awards are completely meaningless. Eddie Vedder said it best when Pearl Jam won Best Hard Rock Performance: "I don't know what this means. I don't think it means anything".
Let’s get on to a list of things people DO remember.
1. Lady Gaga. I can’t remember anything she said or did because I was staring at those plastic shoulders she had. Lady Gaga, YOU SCARY. She must have some deep emotional issues.
2. Everything Justin Bieber did. I hate him, but I respect the quality of his performances. It’s all downhill from here, Justin. Your voice is clearly in the midst of changing, and you’re not a good singer anymore. You won’t ever be nominated for another Grammy other than Best New Artist, so I hope you enjoyed it. Good job. And fuck you.
3. Mumford & Sons are the best. Avett Brothers were also good. I just think folk rock is so darn cool. “Ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more!” (Repeat 50 times)
4. Jason Segel’s dig at Lady Gaga was hilarious.
5. Eminem’s re-introduction of Dr. Dre was really well done. Whoever that female singer is was good too. I really liked the anticipation of Dr. Dre coming out.
6. The John Mayer-Norah Jones-Keith Urban cover of Dolly Parton’s Jolene was awesome. Great guitaring, guys.
7. Marc Antony and Jennifer Lopez are massive turds.
8. What does Will.I.Am do to his hair? There’s a big chunk missing. I don’t understand.
9. Did one single person there wear a normal black suit and tie? Why can’t anyone do that?
10. Lea Michelle saying: “Wimmers.” I had to look up who that was, because Glee is stupid.
11. Mick Jagger is incredibly spry for being so old. Great stuff.
12. Esperanza Spalding’s speech was top notch. That was probably the most concise, heartfelt, and grateful speech I’ve had the pleasure of hearing.
13. Kris Kristofferson! He’s a man’s man.
14. Was Arcade Fire supposed to play that last song? I don’t think so, but that was funny. “We’re gonna play another song cause we like music.” Annnnnd queue the rappers all boiling over with rage.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 8:53 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Hmm
Gonna start updating this thing again...because the average of 1 person a day who visits this page tells me there's a real demand out there for a shitty writer posting meaningless garbage on a very infrequent basis.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 2:28 PM 0 comments
Friday, March 5, 2010
What is Wrong with the World?
This.
This is the most important issue IN THE WORLD according to Yahoo.
I see this sort of garbage on the Yahoo.com homepage all the time, but every once in awhile I like to remind everyone that our society, as a whole, is mentally retarded.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 3:43 PM 0 comments
Monday, February 8, 2010
Superbowl
I was totally going to change my Facebook profile picture to my best impression of the Manning Face. That would have been hilarious to about 3 people, including me, and retarded to the rest. But that wasn't what swayed my decision. Ultimately, it was laziness. But man, I would sit there all day and laugh at my own profile.
Someone else do it.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 9:22 PM 0 comments
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Props, etc.
What this here blog needs is a Super Bowl props post. 86% of all websites will do one of these (or has already), so we might as well strike while the iron is hot. Or something. Let's win some money!
Posted by Frank at 6:11 PM 1 comments
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever
The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.
And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.
The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.
There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.
On to the predictions...
-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.
-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.
- I will be drunk.
- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.
- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.
- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for Arablounge.com dating service.
- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.
- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.
- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).
- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.
- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.
- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.
- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 4:20 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Story of How I Came to be Autistic
At work the other day, I finally received from feedback on an issue very near and dear to my heart. That is to say, is "how's it going?" a question or a greeting.
Are you asking how it's going? Or is it a different version of hi? If I respond by telling you how it's going and you didn't actually want to know, then I seem like an idiot. If I don't, then it's like "what the hell is that guy's problem?" WHICH IS IT? Is this frustration warranted?
Crazy pills indeed. A guy at work told me the story of someone (also at work) I see on a regular basis who happens to be autistic, and you'd never know. This guy is a little awkward, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, he's overcome a lot, and he's even married, but the thing that really stuck out was a little mini-story inside the story. One day when the autistic guy started work, he was asked "how's it going?" by the storyteller, and the autistic guy proceed to tell him how it was going. The storyteller used this as an example of his mental issues. He said these exact words: "He didn't realize that "how's it going" is only a greeting, and he just didn't understand expressions like that. So he kept telling me about how his life was going."
It was at this point that my concentration got sucked into a black hole and disappeared forever. There it was! The truth! "How's it going?" is considered a greeting! And more importantly...I'm autistic! It certainly is a relief to finally have some clarification on THAT one as well. Killed two birds with one stone right there. Now I know what you're thinking. "Am I REALLY autistic?" A search on autism clears that up right away.
Characteristics:
Compulsive Behaviour, such as strong memorization... and arranging objects in stacks or lines- When I was a kid, I used to know tons of different car names, and I knew them very well. I remember a picture I have where I've lined up toy cars in a huge line to show my brother.
Sameness and Ritualistic Behaviour- Every year I swear I'm going to do better at school, but I end up doing the exact same things all the time. Finally, I know it's because I'm autistic. Totally telling my parents that.
Self-injury- Easy. I had a small scab on my left arm that I kept scratching off, and now it's a lumpy, stupid scar.
Show distress for unusual reasons - How's it going?
Lack of affection- I do not like most people, and I do not have a girlfriend.
Have difficulty in making friends- Well maybe if people weren't so stupid.
Thanks, internet. Now I'm certain that I'm suffering from autism. At least we solved the issue of "How's it going?" I'm not changing my response. Mr. Storyteller can get fucked.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 2:46 PM 0 comments
Sunday, December 27, 2009
To Pull or Not to Pull?
Just some semi-incoherent, point form thoughts about the Colts decision to pull everyone in today's game:
Posted by Frank at 9:31 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Thoughts I Was Thinking About
-The hot new Christmas item this year is apparently Zhu Zhu pets. From my research on them, they're little mechanical hamsters that are programmed to respond to objects you buy them. So let's get this straight. Hamsters are fucking stupid and useless, and nobody actually wants one. They're substitutes for real pets. Zhu Zhu pets are substitutes for hamsters. That makes them doubly useless. I'LL TAKE 4.
-I shouldn't be surprised, considering hot Christmas toys in the past have been things like Furby, Tamagochi and Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck you kids who want to take of robots. All I wanted when I was a kid was Lego. Easily the best Christmas present you could have given me. I should have been an architect. "Look at this cool base I made for my spaceship! This jeep has wings so I can land it on the spaceship too and AWW MAN I NEED A 4 BLOCK TO FINISH MY BASE WALL." Lego rules.
-The Littlest Hobo is hilarious. The 30 minute block of time takes me all the way back to 1996. The commercials are the exact same as they were back then. There's the Bodybreak ads and public service messages every single break. Maybe tomoorrrrrow I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on da da da da dooo!
-I just saw the Nike Soccer ad from last year. I love it. Watch it now.
-What's with the weird alcohol advertising going on lately? There's the ad we know and love, where the guy is running through trees exploding from the ground, but there's others. The Smirnoff commercial where they all play instruments in the sewer, or paint an old gas station black and party inside, or the Bacardi commercial where they make an island in the middle of a lake. Who among us is willing to go to that much work for one night of drinking? Not worth it at all. They must have been drinking too much Bacardi when they came up with that idea. "Guys, guys, guys...let's make an ISLAND, and party on it!!" I lost interest already, dude.
-Finally, something went my way in Yahoo Fantasy Football. I won by 2 once they made the day-after adjustments. I was out of the playoffs before, but now I'm in! Yay! Sorry for sounding like Mike Silver. "I bet the Head Coach of USCB Women's Basketball team, Lindsay Gottlieb will have trouble in HER league. BUT WHAT ABOUT MALIBU? He was 3 points up for the 2 seed. I told her to start Reggie Bush, and she did. I can't believe that UCSB Women’s basketball coach Lindsay Gottlieb did that. I think she'll take the 2 seed. By the way, have I mentioned my daughter's soccer team won yesterday?" I absolutely cannot stand Silver's Gameface.
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 10:11 AM 4 comments
Monday, December 14, 2009
Ode to Roy
I was going to write a long-winded paean to the majestic steed that is Roy Halladay, but I couldn't think of anything that hasn't already been said about the man. I wouldn't even be posting this if I didn't already type in that title. What a peach. Ode to Roy! Ha! Fuck, I'm good.
Posted by Frank at 8:55 PM 0 comments
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Can we not?
I'd just like to alert everyone that, even though winter is only 4 days old, I'm already extremely sick of the "So much for global warming, eh?" joke. All you assholes say it like you think you're the first person to ever come up with such a brilliant witticism. Please shut up. That is all.
Posted by Frank at 4:24 PM 0 comments
Friday, December 4, 2009
Jokes Minus Jokes
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Corporal Smithson.
Corporal Smithson who?
Corporal Smithson, sir, with Marine Corp. It is my duty to inform you that your 2 sons have been killed in Iraq. I regret to inform you that they were forced to have anal sex with each other before being executed and dragged through the streets.
...
A chimpanzee, a lion, and a man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you 3?"
The man says: "What? 3? What are you talking about?
The bartender says: "You came in with a chimpanzee and a lion."
The man says: "What are you ta...SWEET JESUS A LION!"
This noise startles the lion, who, out of instinct, immediately attacks the man, severing his arm and clamping down on his carotid artery in order to neutralize the threat. Lions are territorial animals and don't respond well to sudden noises or movements. Turns out some teenagers had accidentally let animals escape from the nearby zoo in their attempt at juvenile fun. One teenager was mauled to death, while the other 2 were charged with a variety of crimes. Not to mention they had the death of their good friend on their conscience.
...
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The airlines have actually cut out airline snacks entirely, due to the harsh economic times. There do remain a few airlines that provide a very small bag of trail mix, but this is very high in salt and low in nutrition.
...
Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street, people point and say: "Is that a man or a woman?"
...
3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
They faced an extremely odd test to get into heaven that was solely based on quick wit, and not their life accomplishments or good deeds. It was an extremely unfair process, and all the families of the dead men were extremely heartbroken at this sudden loss of a family member.
...
Why did the pedophile get fired from his job at the steel mill?
Because he didn't provide his criminal record to the manager. When they found out, he got fired. A couple unfortunate clicks on the internet, and now he's essentially unemployable.
...
Did you hear the one about the extremely hairy man with an art history degree?
He has slowly come to realize his career choice hasn't been fulfilling at all, but he's too old to do anything else.
...
Posted by Clock Cleaner at 4:04 PM 0 comments