Disgruntled

Stupid People Make Me Do Stupid Things

2012-01-19T23:47:00.000-06:00

I went on Facebook last night because I have few real friends, and I saw a little discussion on somebody's wall about SOPA. This discussion wasn't on one of my friends' walls - it was just something a friend had commented on. The first stupid thing I did was read the discussion, because it blinded me with rage and essentially ruined my night.

Without getting into too much detail, the topic started with a simple "What the hell are we going to do without all of our websites?!?", which is a perfectly reasonable concern when it comes to this shit bill. Then some asshole (let's call him Dick Lips) decided to chime in with something stupid like "HA! Silly girl...we're in Canada! This bill doesn't affect us at all!" You know what her response was? "Oh thank god! I was worried it would ruin the internet." Now, I'm perfectly fine with people not understanding SOPA and what it can lead to. It's a complicated and horribly vague bill that even the people voting on it don't fully understand. What I'm not fine with is people spreading misinformation on a topic that so few people understand, leading to people just taking their word for it. If you haven't bothered to research the bill and actually learn about it, don't act like your smart by just making shit up.

This is where I started to get pathetic. Rather than just letting it go and moving on with my night of butthole fingering, I decided I needed to inform these people how wrong Dick Lips is and that we're all going to die when the internet sucks. However, because I'm not friends with this girl, I couldn't comment on it. Take a wild guess what I did. Nope, more pathetic. Even sadder. That's right - I told the girl I was talking to to comment on it for me. If that isn't the saddest fucking thing you can do on Facebook, I don't know what is. Not only did she agree to it, but she was actually excited! She saw it as a way to impress people with random knowledge, and I saw it as a way to anonymously tell a guy he's stupid. Win-win.

I would guess I spent a total of about 75 minutes relaying information to her, waiting for Dick Lips to respond with more stupid, dropping more knowledge on him, and so on (FWIW, his main argument was that the domains are global, so the US can't shut them down for anyone outside the US. He also said something about the websites being multinational corporations. He might be legally retarded). Worst 75 minutes of my life. It was like arguing with a tree. Eventually, I got so upset that I stooped even lower into loserdom. Yep, I sent a friend request to the girl. For the sole purpose of telling this guy how wrong he was. It wasn't even about helping other people understand SOPA anymore. I just wanted to see this idiot admit defeat. I woke up this morning, saw that she accepted my friend request, and wrote a paragraph explaining why he was wrong. I won. There was no way Dick Lips could refute my research and expertise. Everyone would see how SOPA affects Canadians, and I'm the genius that delivered that to them.

Nope. Nobody responded. Pretty sure nobody gave a shit anymore. All I did was spend way too much time trying to show up some random guy on Facebook. Fuck.

I Want This

2011-03-27T14:39:00.004-06:00

This guy is my hero.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

2011-02-23T13:17:00.003-06:00

News story on Yahoo!

"Domino’s delivery driver comes to the rescue of elderly daily customer

Every day for the past three years, 82-year-old Jean Wilson of Memphis has ordered a large, thin-crust pepperoni pizza and two diet cokes from a local Domino's Pizza. Some are now saying that Wilson's Domino's habit may have saved her life.

Wilson recently had a fall in her house and wound up not being able to power herself up. So after her regular order failed to surface for three days delivery driver Susan Guy--who said she's come home numerous times in the past to find her cancer-stricken mother on the floor after a fall--took it upon herself to drive to Wilson's house to check on her.

"I said, 'she hasn't called in three days?' " Guy told the Today Show. "I have to go."

Guy told the show that when she arrived at Wilson's address, she beat on all the windows and doors of the house, but heard no response, so she called 911. When police paramedics arrived and entered the home, they found Wilson on the floor. She's reportedly doing well, and is expected to return home soon."

Let's not waste time. What the FUCK is this lady doing ordering a large pizza every day for 3 FUCKING YEARS?! That's the kind of behaviour that gets you locked up in a mental institution. Say it costs $20 for the large pizza and two diet cokes. I have no idea. That's over $7000 a year, and over $21,000 for 3 years! Are they serious? EVERY DAY for 3 whole years? That's what the article says. No "almost every day for 3 years." I can't even comprehend how a person can do that. You have to be mentally ill. And besides the actual ordering of the pizza, HOW DOES SHE EAT A LARGE PIZZA AND DRINK 2 DIET COKES WHEN SHE'S 82 FUCKING YEARS OLD? Yeah, no shit she fell and couldn't get up.

Your 2011 Grammy Review

2011-02-14T08:53:00.004-06:00

If we're using correct punctuation, it's the Grammies. But we're not. And really, it’s an indication of the type of night the public experiences when watching the Grammys. Looks good, but something is off. The Grammys look really good, but really, are just musicians congratulating themselves for making music. To me, the Grammys are an opportunity to watch elaborate performances and collaborations. I couldn’t give two shits who wins Best Contemporary Pop Album by a Duet or whatever other garbage is out there. As for the actual awards, I remember two things.

1. Best New Artist was won by someone who isn’t Justin Bieber or Drake.

2. Arcade Fire won Album of the Year.

That’s it. And you know what? Both of those awards are completely meaningless. Eddie Vedder said it best when Pearl Jam won Best Hard Rock Performance: "I don't know what this means. I don't think it means anything".

Let’s get on to a list of things people DO remember.

1. Lady Gaga. I can’t remember anything she said or did because I was staring at those plastic shoulders she had. Lady Gaga, YOU SCARY. She must have some deep emotional issues.
2. Everything Justin Bieber did. I hate him, but I respect the quality of his performances. It’s all downhill from here, Justin. Your voice is clearly in the midst of changing, and you’re not a good singer anymore. You won’t ever be nominated for another Grammy other than Best New Artist, so I hope you enjoyed it. Good job. And fuck you.
3. Mumford & Sons are the best. Avett Brothers were also good. I just think folk rock is so darn cool. “Ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more!” (Repeat 50 times)
4. Jason Segel’s dig at Lady Gaga was hilarious.
5. Eminem’s re-introduction of Dr. Dre was really well done. Whoever that female singer is was good too. I really liked the anticipation of Dr. Dre coming out.
6. The John Mayer-Norah Jones-Keith Urban cover of Dolly Parton’s Jolene was awesome. Great guitaring, guys.
7. Marc Antony and Jennifer Lopez are massive turds.
8. What does Will.I.Am do to his hair? There’s a big chunk missing. I don’t understand.
9. Did one single person there wear a normal black suit and tie? Why can’t anyone do that?
10. Lea Michelle saying: “Wimmers.” I had to look up who that was, because Glee is stupid.
11. Mick Jagger is incredibly spry for being so old. Great stuff.
12. Esperanza Spalding’s speech was top notch. That was probably the most concise, heartfelt, and grateful speech I’ve had the pleasure of hearing.
13. Kris Kristofferson! He’s a man’s man.
14. Was Arcade Fire supposed to play that last song? I don’t think so, but that was funny. “We’re gonna play another song cause we like music.” Annnnnd queue the rappers all boiling over with rage.

Hmm

2011-01-12T14:28:00.003-06:00

Gonna start updating this thing again...because the average of 1 person a day who visits this page tells me there's a real demand out there for a shitty writer posting meaningless garbage on a very infrequent basis.

What is Wrong with the World?

2010-03-05T15:43:00.003-06:00

This.

This is the most important issue IN THE WORLD according to Yahoo.

I see this sort of garbage on the Yahoo.com homepage all the time, but every once in awhile I like to remind everyone that our society, as a whole, is mentally retarded.

Superbowl

2010-02-08T21:22:00.003-06:00

I was totally going to change my Facebook profile picture to my best impression of the Manning Face. That would have been hilarious to about 3 people, including me, and retarded to the rest. But that wasn't what swayed my decision. Ultimately, it was laziness. But man, I would sit there all day and laugh at my own profile.

Someone else do it.

Props, etc.

2010-02-04T18:11:00.003-06:00

What this here blog needs is a Super Bowl props post. 86% of all websites will do one of these (or has already), so we might as well strike while the iron is hot. Or something. Let's win some money!

Biggest Lead by either Team: O/U 15.5 points

This just seems insane to me. How the hell is one of these teams going to get a three score lead? No defense is stopping anyone that many times in a row. This will require a pick-six or something equally fluky. UNDER.

Who will the MVP thank first?:

God (2.4)

Family (9)

Teammates (2)

Coach (13)

Does not thank anyone (3.5)

I wish I could go off the board here. If New Orleans wins, whoever wins the MVP will thank their fans/people of New Orleans. I bet I could get some solid odds on that. Neither of the quarterbacks seem like men of God, and Brees hates his dead mom, so family's out. Fuck it, I'm going with DOES NOT THANK ANYONE.

Longest touchdown: O/U 51.5 yards

This is fucking retarded. 51.5? That's completely unreasonable. When was the last time there was a play that long in the Super Bowl? Oh, last year, right. And two years before that. And the year before that. Shit. Still, I like my odds here. 50+ yards TD's are hard to come by, especially against the Colts Cover-2. UNDER.

Will either team score three unanswered times?:

Yes (1.6)

N0 (2.3)

Am I being naive here? Why does 'No' have way longer odds? The only way this is happening is if there's a score near the end of the first half followed by the same team receiving the second half kick and scoring. NO.

MVP:

Manning (1.57)

Brees (3.15)

Bush (9)

Wayne (11)

Garçon (11)

Collie (21)

Thomas (11)

Clark (13)

Hartley (76)

The smart bet is obviously the QB for whoever you think will win. But that's little to no fun. I'm going with Garçon. Jabari Greer is really good, and the Saints will shut down Reggie a la Jets. Luckily, Tracy Porter kind of sucks and Peyton will pick on him. I also like Collie or Clark at those odds. If you're into the Saints, take a flyer on Pierre Thomas. GARÇON.

Total Score: O/U 56.5 points

Yes, both offenses are great. But Colts games are short. Both teams are going to get roughly 6 possessions. This is a pretty large number. I strongly suggest betting the UNDER.

The Most Accurate Superbowl Prediction Ever

2010-01-28T16:20:00.002-06:00

The good ol' Superbowl is finally here again. Everyone is making predictions, so we might as well hop on board. Of course, everyone is making predictions about the actual game, which is completely hopeless. I won't bother with THAT little piece of the pie. No sir.

And since I'm here anyways...fuck the Superbowl double week. If you disagree, fuck you. These two weeks are terrible in every way. There is NOTHING worth reporting, yet the media has its mouth on everything. This is supposed to build up excitement for the game, but instead it sucks the life out of you through the bunghole. The Probowl? Beat me to death with a dildo instead.

The two weeks preceding the Superbowl should be called Female Puberty Week. The two weeks are a celebration of nothing. There's nothing to get excited about, until the actual Superbowl. Everyone's looking for something during these two weeks, but they won't find anything. Until Superbowl Sunday comes. BOOM. In all it's glory. And it is beautiful.

There is ONE thing I can remember from the last 4 Superbowl Female Puberty weeks. When the Colts played the Bears, Brian Urlacher wore a VitaminWater hat. This was a big deal. BREAKPOINT, BITCH. Worst 2 weeks ever.

On to the predictions...

-These 2 weeks are fucking awful.

-Everyone who accurately predicts the end result was lucky, but will act like a prick anyway.

- I will be drunk.

- I will eat too much food, sit there, and complain about it. All in a ploy to get everyone to notice that I ate too much food, because for some reason I will be proud of this.

- 10 minutes after the Superbowl ends, everyone will immediately become sad because there won't be football for a long, long time.

- I will hunt down and kill whoever signed me up for Arablounge.com dating service.

- I will eat Honey Garlic wings.

- Many people will invariably shout out during the game: "Why couldn't you do that in the fantasy season, asshole?!!" and proceed to complain about their fantasy team. You may kick this person in the face.

- You'll think Hurricane Katrina happened last year(actually 2005).

- See so many shots of Archie Manning, his face will be engraved in your brain.

- See so many shots of Kim Kardashian, her ass will be engraved in your brain.

- You'll think: "Why is Kim Kardashian famous at all?" And no one will be able to answer you.

- Everyone in Canada will get to see the world's worst halftime commercials ever.

The Story of How I Came to be Autistic

2010-01-12T14:46:00.008-06:00

At work the other day, I finally received from feedback on an issue very near and dear to my heart. That is to say, is "how's it going?" a question or a greeting.

Are you asking how it's going? Or is it a different version of hi? If I respond by telling you how it's going and you didn't actually want to know, then I seem like an idiot. If I don't, then it's like "what the hell is that guy's problem?" WHICH IS IT? Is this frustration warranted?

Crazy pills indeed. A guy at work told me the story of someone (also at work) I see on a regular basis who happens to be autistic, and you'd never know. This guy is a little awkward, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, he's overcome a lot, and he's even married, but the thing that really stuck out was a little mini-story inside the story. One day when the autistic guy started work, he was asked "how's it going?" by the storyteller, and the autistic guy proceed to tell him how it was going. The storyteller used this as an example of his mental issues. He said these exact words: "He didn't realize that "how's it going" is only a greeting, and he just didn't understand expressions like that. So he kept telling me about how his life was going."

It was at this point that my concentration got sucked into a black hole and disappeared forever. There it was! The truth! "How's it going?" is considered a greeting! And more importantly...I'm autistic! It certainly is a relief to finally have some clarification on THAT one as well. Killed two birds with one stone right there. Now I know what you're thinking. "Am I REALLY autistic?" A search on autism clears that up right away.

Characteristics:

Compulsive Behaviour, such as strong memorization... and arranging objects in stacks or lines- When I was a kid, I used to know tons of different car names, and I knew them very well. I remember a picture I have where I've lined up toy cars in a huge line to show my brother.

Sameness and Ritualistic Behaviour- Every year I swear I'm going to do better at school, but I end up doing the exact same things all the time. Finally, I know it's because I'm autistic. Totally telling my parents that.

Self-injury- Easy. I had a small scab on my left arm that I kept scratching off, and now it's a lumpy, stupid scar.

Show distress for unusual reasons - How's it going?

Lack of affection- I do not like most people, and I do not have a girlfriend.

Have difficulty in making friends- Well maybe if people weren't so stupid.

Thanks, internet. Now I'm certain that I'm suffering from autism. At least we solved the issue of "How's it going?" I'm not changing my response. Mr. Storyteller can get fucked.

To Pull or Not to Pull?

2009-12-27T21:31:00.005-06:00

Just some semi-incoherent, point form thoughts about the Colts decision to pull everyone in today's game:

1. Good theory, horrific execution. I'm all for sitting down Peyton, et al. when playoff seedings have been locked down. One missed blitz pickup and the whole season goes down the shitter. But the timing couldn't have been worse. The way Caldwell (or Polian, or whoever ultimately made the decision) pulled the starters at a seemingly random point midway through the third corner was unbelievable. Why lead everyone to think you're going to go for 15-0 and then just pull the rug out from under them? Why not pull them at halftime or after the third quarter? The timing of the move was infuriatingly bizarre.

2. There was no reason to be so coy with the media. It once again comes back to antagonizing the fan base. If Caldwell or Polian had indicated that this was the plan for the week, I think most rational people would have understood. But when the offensive starters played the first series of the third quarter, it made everyone watching think they were going for the win. The air was completely sucked out of the stadium when Painter ran onto the field. I could taste the disappointment through my TV speakers.

3. There's something to be said about taking the pressure of being undefeated off the team going into the playoffs. But the way it was handled will turn the decision itself into a huge distraction. The media will have a field day with it. Net gain: zero at best.

4. Way to throw Painter to the wolves. The kid might be ruined forever. Not that he was ever going to be good to begin with.

5. This move sets up morons with an easy way to criticize the Colts should they lose in the playoffs. The old story of the Colts losing because they rest players couldn't be more wrong. The 2003 team killed Denver and KC before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. The 2004 team again crushed Denver before losing on the road to the eventual champions, the Patriots. You can throw the "rust" excuse right out the window considering they won playoff games before losing. The 2005 team lost a pretty crazy Divisional game to the eventual champion Steelers, two weeks after James Dungy killed himself. I think the off the field issues and Mike Vanderjagt missing a 46 yard field goal had more to do with losing a close game than resting starters did. The 2006 team didn't have a chance to rest anyone and won the Super Bowl. Please note that the 2002 Colts couldn't rest and lost immediately. The 2007 team rested starters and lost to the Chargers. This team was really beat up. Freeney didn't play, Mathis was not 100%, and Clark played with a broken hand (the potential game winning pass bounced off a bandaged hand). Marvin Harrison coughed up a killer fumble in the red zone. Most importantly, the defense fell apart in the second half, after a fine first half. Rest was no issue. The 2008 Colts rested and got beat by Mike Scifres and a Gijon Robinson missed block in the fourth quarter. The game was played in San Diego even though they were 8-8 while the Colts went 12-4. Oh, and the Chargers got the 16th draft pick, while the Colts picked 27th. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Anyway, myth debunked.

6. It sucked watching Peyton and Reggie and Dallas just sitting glumly on the bench as they watched a chance at history slip away. They know you don't get a chance to go undefeated every year. It takes a few bounces, a decent schedule, and good health. The looks on their faces said it all about what they wanted the coaches to do. Having said that, people who I've read on message boards saying the players are going to quit on the coaches because of this move is the most retarded thing you could possibly say. Obviously these guys still want the Super Bowl.

7. I've also been in message board conversations where people have asked me: "If they lose in the Divisional round, will you still be ok with the decision?" Of fucking course I will, because if they lose, this will have absolutely nothing to do with what happened today. Keep this shit in perspective. The Colts still have as good a chance as anyone to win the bloody Super Bowl.

8. Whether it was Caldwell or Polian who ultimately decided that starters should be benched today, I must commend him for having mighty big balls. He had to have known that this would be looked upon with a critical eye, and that if the team does not win the Super Bowl, fingers will be pointed directly at him, however unconnected the two events might be. The easier decision would have been leave everyone in. If there are injuries, its just bad luck; if they lose in the playoffs, its the players fault.

9. Summary: resting people, smart. Benching everyone in the middle of the third quarter in a game you're winning while currently 14-0 after not making any real indication you were planning on benching everyone, stupid. I agree with why they did it, but it felt like a big middle finger to the fans. I personally am alright with it, but I don't blame Colts fans for feeling like the got jobbed.

Thoughts I Was Thinking About

2009-12-15T10:11:00.003-06:00

-The hot new Christmas item this year is apparently Zhu Zhu pets. From my research on them, they're little mechanical hamsters that are programmed to respond to objects you buy them. So let's get this straight. Hamsters are fucking stupid and useless, and nobody actually wants one. They're substitutes for real pets. Zhu Zhu pets are substitutes for hamsters. That makes them doubly useless. I'LL TAKE 4.

-I shouldn't be surprised, considering hot Christmas toys in the past have been things like Furby, Tamagochi and Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck you kids who want to take of robots. All I wanted when I was a kid was Lego. Easily the best Christmas present you could have given me. I should have been an architect. "Look at this cool base I made for my spaceship! This jeep has wings so I can land it on the spaceship too and AWW MAN I NEED A 4 BLOCK TO FINISH MY BASE WALL." Lego rules.

-The Littlest Hobo is hilarious. The 30 minute block of time takes me all the way back to 1996. The commercials are the exact same as they were back then. There's the Bodybreak ads and public service messages every single break. Maybe tomoorrrrrow I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on da da da da dooo!

-I just saw the Nike Soccer ad from last year. I love it. Watch it now.

-What's with the weird alcohol advertising going on lately? There's the ad we know and love, where the guy is running through trees exploding from the ground, but there's others. The Smirnoff commercial where they all play instruments in the sewer, or paint an old gas station black and party inside, or the Bacardi commercial where they make an island in the middle of a lake. Who among us is willing to go to that much work for one night of drinking? Not worth it at all. They must have been drinking too much Bacardi when they came up with that idea. "Guys, guys, guys...let's make an ISLAND, and party on it!!" I lost interest already, dude.

-Finally, something went my way in Yahoo Fantasy Football. I won by 2 once they made the day-after adjustments. I was out of the playoffs before, but now I'm in! Yay! Sorry for sounding like Mike Silver. "I bet the Head Coach of USCB Women's Basketball team, Lindsay Gottlieb will have trouble in HER league. BUT WHAT ABOUT MALIBU? He was 3 points up for the 2 seed. I told her to start Reggie Bush, and she did. I can't believe that UCSB Women’s basketball coach Lindsay Gottlieb did that. I think she'll take the 2 seed. By the way, have I mentioned my daughter's soccer team won yesterday?" I absolutely cannot stand Silver's Gameface.

Ode to Roy

2009-12-14T20:55:00.003-06:00

I was going to write a long-winded paean to the majestic steed that is Roy Halladay, but I couldn't think of anything that hasn't already been said about the man. I wouldn't even be posting this if I didn't already type in that title. What a peach. Ode to Roy! Ha! Fuck, I'm good.

But seriously, Doc's the greatest. The best athlete I've ever had the pleasure of following, non-Peyton Manning division. The time he one hit the Yankees in September was the most fun I've ever had sitting on my couch alone on a Friday night. I have no doubt that he'll destroy the National League next year.

There's no point in evaluating the trade, since I don't know enough about any of the prospects rumored to be involved. It doesn't even matter who the Jays get back anyway. We're losing Roy Halladay. This trade is going to feel like a solid punch to the gut no matter what.

So in lieu of any analysis, I'll simply say this: Thanks for the memories, Doc. You'll be missed.

Can we not?

2009-12-05T16:24:00.002-06:00

I'd just like to alert everyone that, even though winter is only 4 days old, I'm already extremely sick of the "So much for global warming, eh?" joke. All you assholes say it like you think you're the first person to ever come up with such a brilliant witticism. Please shut up. That is all.

Jokes Minus Jokes

2009-12-04T16:04:00.004-06:00

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Corporal Smithson.

Corporal Smithson who?

Corporal Smithson, sir, with Marine Corp. It is my duty to inform you that your 2 sons have been killed in Iraq. I regret to inform you that they were forced to have anal sex with each other before being executed and dragged through the streets.

...

A chimpanzee, a lion, and a man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you 3?"

The man says: "What? 3? What are you talking about?

The bartender says: "You came in with a chimpanzee and a lion."

The man says: "What are you ta...SWEET JESUS A LION!"

This noise startles the lion, who, out of instinct, immediately attacks the man, severing his arm and clamping down on his carotid artery in order to neutralize the threat. Lions are territorial animals and don't respond well to sudden noises or movements. Turns out some teenagers had accidentally let animals escape from the nearby zoo in their attempt at juvenile fun. One teenager was mauled to death, while the other 2 were charged with a variety of crimes. Not to mention they had the death of their good friend on their conscience.

...

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The airlines have actually cut out airline snacks entirely, due to the harsh economic times. There do remain a few airlines that provide a very small bag of trail mix, but this is very high in salt and low in nutrition.

...

Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street, people point and say: "Is that a man or a woman?"

...

3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

They faced an extremely odd test to get into heaven that was solely based on quick wit, and not their life accomplishments or good deeds. It was an extremely unfair process, and all the families of the dead men were extremely heartbroken at this sudden loss of a family member.
...

Why did the pedophile get fired from his job at the steel mill?

Because he didn't provide his criminal record to the manager. When they found out, he got fired. A couple unfortunate clicks on the internet, and now he's essentially unemployable.

...

Did you hear the one about the extremely hairy man with an art history degree?

He has slowly come to realize his career choice hasn't been fulfilling at all, but he's too old to do anything else.

...

SNL

2009-12-03T16:46:00.002-06:00

I watched part of an episode of SNL last Saturday. And GOOD GOD, was that the most astoundingly poor decision of the night.

The first skit: and it had Gerard Butler sitting at his desk interviewing a guy for a job. They have a serious conversation for about 30 seconds, then Butler's assistant comes in. She makes these weird noises for and says "You're my boss huuuuuuuuhuhuhuhuh" and everyone in the studio starts laughing. Then Butler tells here to go away, so she does, but then she opens the door again and makes more noises, none of which I can tell are words, and leaves again. Everyone is laughing. Then she appears at the window, holding a dead mouse in her hand, makes more noises for a longer time period, then finally the skit ends.

Second skit:
Gerard Butler as King Leonidas. Unsurprisingly, everyone has their chests covered. I can't quite remember the exact details of this one, but the joke was that everyone was gay, and not admitting it. Rest assured, no funny lines used.

Third skit:Weekend Update. Some lady came on, sat there humming for awhile, while the audience gradually faded in and out of laughter. I guess it got funnier, then less funny, then funnier. Not sure how that works. Then I turned off the TV.

Bold Analysis: F - Fucking garbage. I have never, ever seen a show this bad. I had been lazily reclining on the couch when this came on, but by the end I was on the edge of my seat. I was enthralled by the shittiness of these skits. How can something this bad get made? It confuses the hell out of me. You're supposed to have a team of writers working each week to make a one hour show, and between all the stupid trumpets, advertisements, and dicking around, you need around 40 minutes of actual material. Writers, come up with 40 minutes of something MILDLY funny. Last year I thought SNL was on the upswing, but I was wrong. They've jumped into a canyon.

On a related note, the audience laughter baffles me. These things ARE NOT funny. People go into these comedy shows and just laugh at everything mindlessly. It doesn't have to be funny. They're at a show that is supposed to be funny, so they find everything funny. It reminds me of that time Jerry Seinfeld was on a late night show, and Michael Richards came on to apologize for his comments, and while he's explaining himself, the crowd is just laughing away. Nothing about it is funny, but everyone's laughing. Jerry has to tell the crowd to shut up. It's weird that people see something unfunny and just start laughing because of where they are. Something about that scares me.

Anyway, SNL is horrid. And everyone on that show should be shot. They rely on Digital Shorts to be funny, but those require elaborate setups and camera work. They can't make straight up funny skits. Kill 'em.

Well, That Sucks

2009-11-30T13:49:00.003-06:00

It's the day after the Riders lost to the Alouettes in the Grey Cup, and everyone is sad. I've never experienced that sort of defeat. The last second soul-crushing loss is a unique sort of loss. I didn't read the newspaper this morning at all, and I plan on trying to forget about the Riders entirely until next season. I hope something crazy happens very soon so I can move on to thinking about that.

Also, good job dicks for ears. You won the poll. And I'm sure it didn't come down to voting on multiple computers at all. Ideas for next poll?

200th Blog Post Celebration

2009-11-27T16:09:00.002-06:00

To commemorate this momentus occasion 200 posts of shitty blogging, we must celebrate. But first, let's take a look back at other historical events that happened on this day.

-Jaleel White, born in 1976.

-1991 - The UN Security Council unanimously adopted a resolution that led the way for the establishment of a UN peacekeeping operation in Yugoslavia.

-1997 - Bjork was admitted to the hospital in Reykjavik, Iceland, with a high fever. The singer was forced to cancel many upcoming dates due to a kidney infection.

While this milestone pales in comparison to those monumental events, I take solace in the fact this blog has lasted that long. Okay, party time!

Googly

2009-11-25T00:40:00.002-06:00

I can't decide what the dumbest part about this Google Search Suggestion is. Is the fact that the song "whatcha say" managed to get three hits in there? Is it the terrible fact that "what to do when your bored" spells "you're" wrong(meaning that more people CAN'T than CAN spell "you're" correctly)?

Anyway, I have to get back to making my fruit salad.

Good Morning!

2009-11-23T15:30:00.004-06:00

When I wake up in the morning, I like to read the newspaper while I eat breakfast. In order of reading it goes sports, then the front page, the comics, and finally the entertainment section. My weekday breakfast morning ALWAYS ends one of two ways:

Scenario 1. I'm actually up early enough to peruse all the afore-mentioned topics, and I'll become angry after reading the entertainment section. On the other hand, I probably also was up early enough to make eggs or something awesome for breakfast. Morning = bad.

Scenario 2. I get up and have to rush out, eating cereal or toast and just quickly scanning the front page or sports. Whatever's open already. Morning = still bad.

You might have noticed that both scenarios ended in bad mornings. As it should be. I'm not one of those people that are grumpy, need coffee, can't wake up, etc. Mornings just fucking blow. You have a full day of tasks ahead of you that need doing. And that blows.

BUT, do you know what would make mornings in which I can read the entertainment section much more tolerable? If I didn't have to read SOME RANDOMLY SELECTED TURD BAG TELLING ME THE NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE IS SUPER AWESOME. I trusted Roger Ebert with my movie reviews. Movie reviews were meaningful! Now there's a different person every goddamn week, and usually 2 or 3 of them to boot. Ok, this stupid girl gave the Blind Side 3 out of 5 stars, and this dude over here gave 2012 3 out of 4 stars. You know what I give the newspaper and its movie reviewers? 2 fists out of 1 ass.

These people don't know shit about movies. Go read Roger Ebert's wikipedia page. I'll wait. Now look up Jay Stone, one of the regular dipshits that reviews movies. Find anything? Try Google.

This is straight out of his biography on the Ottawa Citizen website, and I couldn't believe how perfectly worded this was.

"Jay Stone has worked for The Ottawa Citizen for so long that he gets his 25-year watch this year. Fresh out of the University of Toronto, he started his newspaper career in 1971 at the Packet and Times in Orillia, Ont., as the worst reporter-photographer in the Thomson newspaper chain, and subsequently moved on to become the worst assistant editor at Southam Business Publications in Toronto."

Then...

"He became a film critic in 1994. His qualifications are that he has seen a lot of films and enjoys writing about them."

I think I can pretty much leave this post with that.

Shut up Silver

2009-11-20T12:20:00.002-06:00

I don't give one giant shit about your moronic friends and their stupid fantasy pool.

In my vocabulary, Malibu is now synonymous with cock.

Your daughter's soccer team can go get raped.

Cal can eat shit.

Your Yahoo Search Words of the Week are incredibly idiotic.

NO ONE PERSON ALIVE reads all your lyric-altering garbage. What the fuck is that? Stop.

The Reading Royals? Do you seriously think ANYBODY cares about them?

Where ya getting flown out to this week? To the best game? Well LA DEE FUCKING DA. Good for you.

I'll do some Don Julio shots for you if you quit filling "The Gameface" with shit.
I hate it.

Bright Headlights. You Know What's Coming.

2009-11-17T13:10:00.002-06:00

There isn't a more aggravating car accessory around.

I'm of the opinion that night driving would be significantly easier if all car lights were dimmer. I've driven around when there are no cars out and it's dark, and I can see shitloads better. I'm convinced that car lights have gotten to the point where the only reason you decide to buy them is to blind the shit out of people, or if you're an irrational idiot.

I see countless commercials for brighter headlights that show two things:

1. Driving down a forest highway and seeing a deer suddenly pop up in the headlights.

2. Driving down a city road and seeing a kid suddenly pop up in the headlights.

The first one is mildly realistic, although highly improbable. The odds that the extra space you can see in the dark actually prevent you from hitting a deer are very slim, and those go along with the odds of hitting a deer in the first place. Most deer collisions are either because the driver is staring mindlessly down the road not paying attention, or because the deer happens to be crossing the road at the same time a car is passing. They don't just stand on highways and stare down the road. Even if one did one time, the majority don't. Anyway, long point short, don't buy headlights so you can avoid fucking deer on the highway.

The second is just stupid. What are kids doing on the road at night anyway? Playing night baseball? Kids will never run into the street for no reason at night. Unless they're trying to put McDonalds cups full of nails in the street for you to run over with your car. If that's the case, RUN THOSE JIZZRAGS RIGHT THE FUCK OVER.

So I've come to the conclusion that the only people who buy bright headlights are irrational parents and dickheads(because what makes you look more badass than blinding people?).

Yo, I'm Jim Caldwell, and I'm Allergic to Talking

2009-11-15T21:33:00.006-06:00

Yo dawgs, it ain't like the hives be illin on my face, but they always gettin in the way of me doin my thang. I be tryin to hit up da clubs, and I get all these hoes all up inmaFACE. Back off bitches. I gettin hives when tellin bitches to back off. But the bitches don't stop, so I gotsta talk. JIM'S FACIN SOME BITCHASS CONUNDRUMS UP IN HEEEERE.

NFL Week 9 Power Rankings

2009-11-04T12:14:00.004-06:00

These ones come with even LESS details than before!

1. Colts
2. Vikings - I bet the Vikings would beat the Saints, based on no thought process. But I'm sure the logic is kicking around somewhere.
3. Saints - A Saints - Colts Superbowl would be fantastic.
4. Patriots - I don't know.
5. Bengals - Fuck the AFC North is good. It seems like the Bengals, Ravens, and Steelers will beat everybody else they play except themselves. The Bengals have a 2-game season starting this week, if they win, lock up the division and possibly a bye.
6. Steelers
7. Ravens
8. Broncos - I'll overreact to their loss. The Ravens crushed them, and I expect the Steelers would do the same. The Patriots would beat them if they played again, and so would the Bengals. Now that teams know what this Broncos team plays like, they can gameplan for it. The Broncos were almost like an expansion team this year, no one knew what to expect at the start. I expect the Broncos will remain around this spot until the end of the year.
9.Eagles - The Eagles WILL make the playoffs, and they are always a threat to go all the way, just like every other year.
10. Packers - Good team, they've just happened to play the Vikings(who rock) and the Bengals(very close game). There's no shame in losing to the Vikings, and the Packers are still a very good team.
11. Dallas - Homo can get them a couple big wins here and there.
12. Cardinals - They're obviously going to make the playoffs again, thanks to the league's shittiest division. That pisses me off.
13. Texans - Daniels is a big loss, but Walter can pick up the slack. Their defence is playing very good now, and they can sneak into the playoffs. Colts twice in 3 weeks won't be fun, but the Colts have lost a couple defensive starters, so maybe we'll get a couple shootouts.
14. Atlanta- They were able to make some very good defensive plays against the Saints that should have put them in winning position, but they still didn't win. They're a good team, but there's still some work that needs to be done.
15. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches - Still awesome. Can't decide if cutting them diagonally is better than right across.
16. Dolphins- Way to fuck the Jets up.
17. Jets - Way to fuck up.
18. Chargers - Like a worse version of the Texans
19. Bears
20. Panthers- I say the Panthers finish strong, possibly beating the Saints.
21. 49ers
22. Titans- Chris Johnson
23. Seahawks
24. Redskins
25 and so on. - I'm fucking done with this.

New TV Shows on FOX

2009-11-01T19:10:00.006-06:00

Can't wait for the new Wanda Sykes show. Looks so good. Seen the preview? She asks her sound technician if he's ever eaten a vegetable. HA! That will be the entirety of the show. She'll stand there, make sassy black woman jokes to and about everyone, and hilarity will surely ensue. So excited!

While watching the World Series, I also noticed that Seth McFarlane happens to be the owner of 4 shows on Fox. Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, and now some sort of variety show called "Almost Live." I liked Family Guy, but not really anymore. I watched American Dad once, hated it. Never seen the Cleveland Show, and I have no plans too. They're all the same fucking show anyways. Almost Live will just be continuation of whatever you want to call McFarlane's "style." I call it "shitty," but to each his own.

Oh, and I've never seen Brothers, but it probably sucks dog cock as well. Strahan promotes it endlessly, which makes me want to see it even less. I have no respect for any company that insists on driving its product down your throat. Tease me, companies. Then I become curious about what you're selling, instead of feeling like I'm being raped with it.

*Wow, after re-reading that last paragraph, I can't even believe how sexual that got. I didn't even intend that. That might be the gayest paragraph I've ever written.

The release of Windows 7 has brought on a whole new onslaught of Mac and PC ads. In the spirit of being fair and unbiased, they can both go fuck themselves. So sick of the "Mac and PC" garbage, and equally sick of Microsoft's attempt to counter with "I'm a PC and blah blah I'm hip blah."

Hmm...What to Hate...

2009-10-28T16:17:00.002-06:00

How about people talking loudly in a quiet public environment?

Fuck you, people talking loudly in a quiet public environment. Ex. Libraries...and so on. I don't know any other examples. Fuck you.

If you want to go "ball wit some boys" during a break, fine. If you're "hittin up Sohos and Habanos" on friday, that's super. Guess what? I'M HUNTING YOU DOWN AND KILLING YOU, SO THANKS FOR ANNOUNCING YOUR WHEREABOUTS TO EASE MY QUEST. It's pretty simple. You're aware you're in a library, and you're also aware there are many people trying to do work there. So don't fucking yell at people right beside you and walk around yelling at people. I can't even comprehend how these people function in everyday life. It's such a simple consideration, and when I see someone who can't recognize that, it blows my mind. What kind of environment were you raised in? What do you when you're with your family? You're not at Habanos yet, SO STOP TALKING LIKE YOU'RE THERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

NFL Power Rankings

2009-10-27T12:14:00.003-06:00

Power Rankings are so arbitrary and useless. But THESE ones come with no real analysis at all! Yay!

1. Colts

Ain't no one stopping the Colts. They do whatever they want. It makes me pretty sad.

2. Saints

Every time Drew Brees throws the ball, he yells "DREW BREEEEES!!" They'll be the top team in the NFC. Look at their schedule. The Pats, and that's it.

3. Vikings

They should have beat the Steelers, and fuck the Steelers' defence. They're not "incredible" because Chester Taylor can't catch. He catches that ball, and everyone knob-slobs Favre and wonders what's wrong with the Steelers.

4.Broncos

Just goes to show how fast a team turnaround can be. Really though? The shittiest defence last year, lost their franchise QB, AND drafted another fucking runningback, which they had plenty of in the first place.

5. Patriots

Assholes. I really hope something bad happens to them. However, I bet a divisional playoff loss is the actual outcome. Which is fine by me.

6. Bengals

I told everyone I knew all year that they would be good, and they are. Eat it. Looking at the schedule, if they can beat either the Steelers or Ravens again, I like them winning the division.

7. Steelers

I've given up on lifting the toilet seat up when I piss. I feel that I'm accurate enough to hit the bowl straight through. If I miss, there's nothing toilet paper can't fix.

8. Packers

They can beat anyone in the league if they can protect him and he gets the ball out quicker. Why are so many people Packers fans? I don't understand.

9. Ravens

The Ravens have switched, and their offense is now the good part of their team. Their defense is getting worked. I like them, but they'll need a lot of luck to make the playoffs.

10. Cardinals

What's with Kurt Warner's jersey? It looks so obscenely different from everyone else's in the league. Just get the cool-looking quarterback sleeves and quit it with this shit.

11. Eagles

RAIDERS! I won't get over that for awhile. Oh, and Michael Vick is fucking TERRIBLE. I can't believe he's on that team.

12. Cowboys

I like Tony Romo, but I also like seeing Tony Romo fail miserably. I'm often conflicted. But the failures are so much more spectacular when the postseason rolls around, so it's an easy decision then.

13. Texans

Their offense is deadly, I look forward to their second-half breakthrough. I feel like people who live in Texas outside of Houston who cheer for the Texans are considered gay. I don't know why.

14. Atlanta

Could make the playoffs because the NFC is pretty bad this year. Their offense can't be as anemic as it was against the Cowboys though, or they're looking at 8-8.

15. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Use mozza cheese. Fuck. Those are some good grilled cheese sandwiches. Whoever thought of melting cheese on things is a goddamn hero.

16. Jets

I had started writing about Mike Silver's columns, then I decided it would take too long.

17. Giants
Ok, I think the Giants suck. Everyone was all "their secondary is the best in the league" when they played the Saints. It wasn't. They just played incredibly shitty teams. Yeah, you can beat the Raiders by a lot. Congrats. I say no playoffs for the Giants. AND WHY ARE THEIR JERSEYS SO TIGHT??

18. Dolphins

Chad Henne is our franchise quarterback! He's a great talent!....said everyone after he did good in his first game. What's that? One game proves nothing? No kidding.

19. Chargers

Oh yes, I love it. I don't expect them in the playoffs this year. No running game, no defense, good luck.

20. Bears

Oh Jay. Football players need to be more humble when they make career decisions. If you've got a great line and great receivers, take what you can get. The Bears offense as a whole is so bad. When Housh was searching for a team, he visited Minnesota, then decided against playing with them because they had a shitty quarterback at the time. I thought that was awesome. Lions beating them isn't out of the question.

21. Seahawks

I like figuring out little things that are sad about people. Like a guy I know wears a hat all the time. I've never really noticed or thought anything about it until one time I saw him without a hat, and he was balding. And I saw him mingling with younger people once in an unappropriate hat environment, and he was wearing a hat. Just accept who you are!! And shave it into a horseshoe already...

22. 49ers

Alex Smith is their new starting quarterback. Good luck with all that.

23. Panthers

I really like Jake Delhomme. His on-field antics are absolutely hilarious. His fried chicken commercials are equally as hilarious. I wish I could talk to him. Boy does he suck this year.

24. Jaguars

Who cares.

25. Bills

That's pretty crazy that they've only allowed one WR touchdown all year...to Brian Hartline. I like that A LOT. They still suck. And Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't going to help things.

26. Redskins

I saw an NFL Films thing on Jim Zorn and Steve Largent last night. It was awesome. I hadn't known much at all about Zorn before he took the head coach job, and I bet a lot of people were the same way. He's driven a yellow Beetle to work every day of his life, he loves fake field goals and Steve Largent is his best friend. I love learning that kind of stuff. There was also a segment about Centers and Quarterbacks and their relationship. I could watch NFL films all day long and never get bored.

27. Chiefs

Larry's gettin frustrated!

28. Saskatchewan Roughriders

Great game against the Lions. Darian Durant is awesome, and I'm sick of people who want to bench him after a mediocre performance. He has one bad game sometimes and everyone gets all crazy to bench him.

29. Raiders

I hope Al Davis lives forever. He runs a football team the way I've run Madden teams in the past. Get whoever has the top 40 time, pay players whatever they ask, pick up whoever seems like they have the highest overall rating. If a quarterback has high throw power, you can just develop his accuracy. All Madden moves. I bet Al plays a lot of Madden.

30. Titans

Please start Vince Young. Him and Jamarcus can doom black quarterbacks for eternity. They will singlehandedly erase all the work Martin Luther King did.

31. Lions

Is this almost over?

32. Rams

At least this team seems to believe they are building toward something. In the meantime, they should have shipped off Bulger for whatever they can get. A rookie QB next year, couple other good pickups, and they could be 6-10. That's a step.

33. Browns

Being an NFL player on a really bad team would be the worst. It would ruin your entire year with sadness, disappointment, and injuries. And especially if you know that next year the team will be just as shitty.

34. Buccaneers

Finally. Time for lunch.

The Economics of Getting Wasted

2009-10-23T14:24:00.002-06:00

BACKGROUND: This was a class assignment for one of my economics classes awhile ago. Cool beans.

Why would anyone opt to purchase a small case of beer rather than a big one?

When you purchase a large quantity of beer, you may not drink it all that night or on that weekend, but you'll eventually drink it. So why would anyone ever get something like a six-pack when the marginal cost per beer is higher than if you would get the largest case of beer available?

This not only applies to beer, but to types of hard alcohol as well. A large amount of people opt to purchase their alcohol in quantities of six beers or 375ml of hard alcohol. The economic option for anyone who engages in the regular consumption of alcohol should be to buy as much as they can when they are in need of it. One fundamental assumption of this study is that there is no difference in quality when purchasing alcohol in bulk, unlike other goods, such as fruits. A person saves money by buying large amounts of alcohol at the point that they need it, provided they have ample funds to do so. Say a person purchases six beers and 375ml of hard alcohol per week, and another purchases fifteen beers and a 750ml bottle of hard alcohol every two weeks. The second person's choice is much better. He saves money by not having to make the trip to the liquor store, thereby saving him the cost of time and gas. He also saves money because buying alcohol in higher quantities means a lower marginal cost per unit of alcohol.

Another economic situation within this example is the liquor store. The liquor stores realizes it is economic for people to purchase large amounts of alcohol, and the price reduction is clear when you purchase a larger amount of anything in the store. They are encouraging people to buy more alcohol because they make a bigger profit in the short run, and people realize they save money in the long run. Now what about the liquor store's profits in the long run? It seems as though the liquor store would eventually lose money. Logic dictates that if people are saving money from buying alcohol in the long run, the liquor store will lose money in the long run, but this is not the case. The liquor store keeps the short run profits up because people are constantly purchasing alcohol, until they grow too old. By this point, younger people have substituted for them. The consumer turnover helps keep up these profits. The liquor store's short run profits are also its long run profits, and people are still able to save money in the long run.

A reason why someone might purchase a small amount of alcohol is the opportunity cost of purchasing a large amount. When you do purchase a large amount of alcohol, depending on your lifestyle, you sacrifice your public image. People will assume you are an alcoholic or at least a heavy drinker if they see you with such large amounts of alcohol, when in fact, you're just an economist. The opportunity cost is how much you are willing to sacrifice your public image for the money saved by buying alcohol in large amounts. For many people in university, the trade-off is simple, because you're surrounded by people that value alcohol and saving money(no matter how much) over public perception. As we grow older, we associate in smaller group gatherings and public perception's value becomes much greater. The value of money, time and gas saved by purchasing large amounts of alcohol is often substantially less than the value of public perception for people looking to earn the respect of their peers.

The same opportunity cost is evident again, at the liquor store. There is a 3 litre unit of alcohol, called a Texas Mickey, that can be purchased in the store. Previous arguments show that this unit will have a marginal cost lower than that of a smaller unit of alcohol. However, this is wrong in this particular case. A Texas Mickey is an item that cannot be practical for anyone attending any sort of gathering, with the exception of a big party. People attending this sort of party will find it appealling, and these are the type of people that do not value sophisticated public perception. It should be recalled that the trade-off for public perception is the money saved. Again, this isn't the case. Since Texas Mickeys are very likely to be purchased by groups of these people, the marginal cost is still low per person because they'll split the bill, and they get the added value of the novelty of the item. They'll still have a low marginal cost, despite the fact that the Texas Mickey has a higher cost per unit of alcohol. That is why the liquor store is able to charge more for a Texas Mickey.

What we've seen is that it is economically feasible for someone to purchase large amounts of alcohol at the point where they need it. Someone who opts to purchase a small amount of alcohol values their public perception over the value of money, time and gas saved.

Backpacks with Wheels

2009-10-23T14:18:00.003-06:00

I see countless number of Asian people at the university who have these fucking backpacks with wheels. I HATE them. Carry your backpack like everyone else and deal with the weight. Want to know why you're 120 pounds? Because you avoid doing even the most mundane tasks that could exercise any muscles you have. Fuck you.

Update

2009-10-23T14:17:00.001-06:00

I'm going to start this up again regularly. I'll recap the times I get drunk so I can remember them later, talk about stupid things, make fun of people, and talk about sports

Hahaha

2009-03-02T16:15:00.001-06:00

This is kind of old, but so funny. Man I have to stop doing this crap when I should be studying...

ohhhh MAN

2009-02-10T22:18:00.000-06:00

Transformers 2 is gonna be SWEET.

CC out.

Riding the Pine

2008-11-21T18:31:00.003-06:00

Whatever. It's cool. I don't even want to play, anyway. Pfff...I mean, he's got all the stress of proving himself, and I get to sit here and look cool. And boy, do I look cool. I'm gonna see if any hot chicks want a piece of this after the game. I'll just turn around and quickly scan the crowd and pretend I'm too cool to make eye contact with anyone. Gotta put a little water in my hair first...there. Here goes.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with a very serious look, turns back around)

Sweet.

I think that went well. Tum ta tum...lots of people showed up today. Tum te ta te too... Boringggggggg. Hey, you, defenceman. Rough game out there? Yeah, looks shitty. Good thing I don't have to play...suckers. Ha!

...

Oh! Oh! Did you see that?! Did you see what he did? Like, seriously...you're starting THIS guy? DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID? Fucking hell, I'm way better than that... DUDE! COVER YOUR REBOUNDS! 25 ALWAYS SHOOTS LOW! Holy Christ let me play. I can't fucking take this anymore. STICK SIDE! STICK SIDE!

You know what? Fuck it. This is a lost cause. This team sucks, and if they're stupid enough to start this retard, they deserve to lose. It's a team game, you say? Well fuck you. If I can't be part of the team, then I don't have to care. I look cool sitting here anyway. I'm gonna do that serious look thing to the crowd again. Maybe I'll make eye contact with a hot girl this time.

(turns around, quickly scans crowd with serious look, turns back around)

I'm awesome at that. I love wearing all this equipment, too. Makes me look badass. I'm like a robot. NO! Like a mech. Yeah, a mech. Guhhh, that mech game sucked for Xbox. I think Batman would be a sweet game if they actually put the effort in. Like GTA, except you're Batman. How fucking cool would that be?

...

I'm cooler than Batman. Yeah, if Batman was out here on the ice, he'd fucking fall right on his fat ass. Batskates my ass. He couldn't save shit. The Flash would be pretty good at hockey, I think. Maybe the Green Lantern, too. I can't wait for that Justice League movie. The Flash is in that right? Hey, you, defenceman, THE FLASH IS IN THAT NEW JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE RIGHT? Hey, don't fucking ignore me, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME. Whatever...fuck him. Where's the Gatorade?

DAMN YOU Reverse Racism!

2008-11-16T15:42:00.009-06:00

This is so dumb.

Watch commercials on tv. Look for a commercial that centers around 2 or 3 people...obviously, this is the vast majority of commercials. Now, the vast majority of THESE commercials are usually trying to be funny, making one of the characters a bumbling idiot or a fool.

This is the interesting part.

In 90% of all commercials like this, the smart and savvy person will be black. The fool? Always white. No matter what. There will never be a black person cast in a role that makes them look foolish. It's also weird that it is always the exact same setup. The fool HAS to be white. The smooth guy HAS to be black. Like not even asian or spanish. Ever. Always black. I have no idea why the smooth guy has to be black. Because black people are stereotyped as being cool? The exact same format will apply to so many commercials in all areas...NFL.com, Campbell's soup, Muchmusic, the new Xbox 360 Wrestling game, etc. I've seen about 3 different ones today. A hearty "fuck you" goes out to you, advertising.

This offends me not as a white person, but as someone who thinks society is just way too wrapped up in trying to not look racist. People so scared of doing anything to offend any minority, that they'll do the exact opposite, essentially coming out and flat-out saying: "Look! See? I've cast a BLACK guy in this role! See? See? HA HA HA! GUESS WHO ISN'T A RACIST!!" It's like the people who go out of their way to show that they voted for Barack Obama, just to prove they aren't racist.

They're wrong. All this proves is that they care way too much about the color of someone's skin. Back to Obama for a sec...if you voted for Obama, you better have fucking voted for him because you like his policies, his ideas, or his youthful vigor. I think he'll be an awesome president. But for any race, if you voted for him solely because he's black, you are mentally retarded. Anyway, back to this advertising bullshit. Seriously, watch for these commercials. They're on all the time. I know there's nothing really anyone can do, because people are idiots and they'll freak out if a minority is degraded in a commercial. So all I ask is that you just recognize that it's there.

And maybe write a stupid blog post about it.

DAMMIT, the toilet paper should be rolling forward!

2008-10-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

(enters bathroom)

HOLY CAT-FUCKING JESUS!

WHO replaced the toilet paper, put on a roll with ONE PLY, and then PLACED THE ENTIRE GODDAMN THING COMPLETELY FUCKING BACKWARDS?!?!

I mean, I deal with shit daily. On the field, off the field, but this is the last straw. When Mike Singletary takes his spot on the shitter, that toilet paper better be in THE OPTIMAL POSITION FOR ASS-WIPING! I don't fucking ask for much around here. The least this whole fucked-up organization could do for me is keep the toilets in decently half-ass condition.

(shits)

Christ, these idiots know I can't see the bottom of the toilet paper when it's on backwards, and I fucking told them I like to be conservative with the amount of toilet paper I use.

DAMMIT!

I DIDN'T WANT 4 PIECES! THIS IS TOO MUCH!
Fucking hell...now I have to rip this into 2 separate pieces so I can use them later in my ass-wiping...gotta set them on my lap here...FUCK I HATE YOU WHOEVER DID THIS...ok got to get a 3-piecer this time. Got it....

(sheets fall off lap)

OH. MY. GOD. I HATE THIS ENTIRE FUCKING ORGANIZATION RUN BY A BUNCH OF BUTTFUCKING ASSHOLES I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE! A PISS COVERED FLOOR WITH MY PRECIOUS TP!

(reaches down to the floor to pick up dropped toilet paper, promptly falls over and knocks himself out on the stall door.)

(Vernon Davis enters, shit on his head.)

VD: Now we even, bitch.

Drinking

2008-10-25T03:00:00.003-06:00

Why do I drink? Am I drunk right now? The answer to both those questions is a resounding "YES!" I think I drink(that rhymes BITCH)to have fun. BUT IS IT NECESSARY? NO! I can have fun when I don't drink, but really, not even close to as much. That's probably true in many aspects, but I'm tired. HOLY SHIT REMEMBER WHEN RICHARD FELL DOWN THAT HILL???? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA FUCK that was funny. Wow I'm really tired. I usually fall asleep on the couch every single weekend night, but I bet I can make it upstairs and brush my teeth. Yes, I think I'll be able to do that while typing here laying at a really awkward angle. AW Shit work tomorrow I'm gonna go work. FUCK. So in summation, keep it real.

I Like You...But You're Crazy

2008-10-16T00:11:00.002-06:00

Funniest part of that movie...watched it over and over today.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard has Career Day, Brings Kyle Along for the Ride

2008-10-05T17:48:00.004-06:00

Guess who was 24-of-34 for 334 yards and had a 121.4 rating to go with 2 touchdowns today?

That's right. Kyle mawfuckin Orton. Of course, he played the Lions, but still. He's Kyle Orton. Frankly, I'm stunned he didn't run for 200 yards and throw another 5 touchdowns. He's better than he showed today, so hopefully he picks it up next week.

From the Yahoo Summary: Like many NFL players, Orton loves playing the Lions. “Yeah, I do for some reason,”

What a mystery! What could the reason be?! Somebody get Sherlock Holmes on the phone!

This was Jon Kitna's breaking news on Yahoo: "The Associated Press reports Detroit Lions QB Dan Orlovsky relieved QB Jon Kitna in the third quarter of the team's Week 5 game. He went 13-for-23 for 97 yards and one touchdown in the game. He set career highs in completions, attempts and yards."

Originally I didn't think anything of it, but how stupid is the last part? It's so dumb. I thought maybe he had reached milestones in all those categories or something, but not even close. Of course he reached career highs. Every time he completes a pass or even attempts one he's setting a new career high. Idiots.

Next: Fuck you Bud Light. You have "drinkability?" Let's get this straight. You have a product. You need to have a reason that people will choose your product over other similar products. So you made up an adjective to describe your product, and you base your entire ad campaign around it? Right...that'll work. And what does that even mean? I sure hope you can fucking drink it. It's a "drink" and I am able to "drink" this so-called "drink." That clears a lot up.

Every company should do that! Let's buy footballs from Nike because they're footbally. Choose Nintendo Wii over other game consoles because it has high levels of videogameliness!
OMG EVERYONE LETS GO TO BEST BUY AND GET 360'S!

I Love This Commercial

2008-10-05T13:15:00.002-06:00

The Discovery Channel is a great channel. It's the one channel that, at this current time, I can't find any flaws with. They always have original programming and it's usually awesome. They don't advertise dumb stereotypes or show programs that portray false idols. I love the Discovery Channel.

Kid Rock: Making Me Want To Kill Myself All Summer Long

2008-09-30T21:39:00.003-06:00

You've no doubt heard Kid Rock's song "All Summer Long." Everyone has...it's the fucking "anthem of the summer!" or so some say. And it's a terrible, terrible song. Summer has come to an end and so has the huge popularity run of this song(although it's still going), but fact is, this baby should have been smothered the second it came out.

It's a big pile-on of three songs. Most noticably, Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London." It also rips off "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyd and Steve Miller Band's "Take the Money and Run."I'll give Kid Rock some credit here, as it's quite a feat to rip off 3 songs without getting sued. Most people are only familiar with the "Sweet Home Alabama" rip-off, but it's quite apparent "Werewolves of London" is his worst offense.

I think there is something severely wrong with music when musicians can blatantly rip off songs, repackage them a little differently, then release them back into the public again and they go to #1. Thing is, it's not really their fault. Once again, it comes back around to stupid people. Most people have already heard all these songs. I've heard all three of those songs before, and I like them in their individual ways. They're pretty good. So I don't really want to hear them again, EVERY 5TH SONG. I liked "Sweet Child o' Mine" when I first heard it, and I still like it, but I sure don't want to hear a slightly different version of it a million times when I'm listening to the radio. Nor should anyone else. So it's the same thing with "All Summer Long," I would think.

Of course, it doesn't happen that way. People ate the song up and it reached #1 on numerous billboard charts.

I don't particularly mind when musicians take inspiration from old songs. Like Johnny Cash's "Hurt"(taken from Nine Inch Nails) or GNR's "Knockin on Heaven's Door"(taken from Bob Dylan). The musicians add their own original flavour to the song. What I hate about this one is that Kid Rock has just added some fake-southern wannabe lyrics to the exact same music. He doesn't have an original flavour to add. He's got nothing. Let's face it, he's not a real talented guy.

Kid Rock, you're a buttfucking piece of shit

Ha

2008-09-28T13:38:00.001-06:00

An Innocent Typo...OR IS IT?

2008-09-25T11:27:00.004-06:00

"Associated Press- DES MOINES, Iowa - The president of an Iowa college says he's sorry about an unfortunate and offensive typo in a school handbook.

A calendar entry for Feb. 16, 2009, was supposed to read "Black History Lunch and Learn." Instead, it says "Black History Linch and Learn."

The handbook was distributed to about 10,000 students before the mistake was discovered."

That's some funny shit right there, but I find it really hard to believe this is a typo. You know they're typing this stuff in Word, or at least something similar. Of course whatever program they're using is going to have spellcheck. So how is it even possible to miss that? Linch isn't a word, unless you're talking about Linch, a loose collection of hamlets and a civil parish in the Chichester District of West Sussex, England. And that most definitely is not in the Microsoft Word dictionary. It would have clearly shown up as an error.

I doubt anything will happen to the guy who typed it(fire him), and people will probably forget all about it in a couple days, but it's interesting to see these little jolts of blatant racial hatred once in awhile.

Some Things That Are Stupid. Some That Are Awesome.

2008-09-24T14:14:00.006-06:00

Wrestling= Stupid.

Maltesers commercials= Stupid.

KIA radio commercials= Stupid. KIA is so nice and gooooduh...funny the first time, sickening the 500th time.

Peeing after holding it in for a long time= Awesome.

Juliette Lewis= Stupid. Incredibly ugly, and lots of people think she's hot. They're stupid too.

Taking a giant crap that comes out smooth and clean= Awesome.

Brandon Marshall= Awesome.

Idiots in classes who feel the need to say something despite the fact they have
absolutely nothing to say= Stupid.

When you do a group thing in class, and there's a mildly hot girl, who is also half-retarded, that wants to lead everyone in the discussion.= Stupid.

The guy who is desperately trying to make sexual relations with the afore-mentioned mildly hot girl by agreeing completely with everything she says and pretending like he's super cool by not caring about the material being discussed= Stupid.

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard= Still Awesome.

The Philadelphia Bomb Squad being called in and exploding hot dogs that had been heavily wrapped and left outside the stadium.= Stupid.

Everyone saying "better safe than sorry!" after the hot dogs had been blown up.= Stupid. Hooray for widespread terrorism fears! Get fucked.

Cracked.com photoshop contests= Awesome.

My First Feature Production

2008-09-24T00:19:00.001-06:00

I know you'll enjoy this. It's the first film of many I plan on starring in. Here.

Hey! A Post!

2008-09-22T20:15:00.002-06:00

BURNING QUESTION: Why does TSN hire woman sportscasters?

When Jennifer Hedger came on board, I felt....well...weird about it. That's really the only way I can describe it. It's like this. I watch most sports, or at least the highlights of most sports. The sports I watch are played by men, watched by men, everything about these sports involves men. They are made for men. The typical feeling on women involving themselves with men's sports is that they just shouldn't be there. Stay out of a man's way when it comes to sports, they say. That stereotype is propagated over and over through various commercials and other advertisements like that.

Sure there's the odd woman who likes football or something. That's great. Some girls like sports, but not many. So when you're broadcasting to a mass audience that consists of 95% men, why have the person who is doing the broadcasting project a massive negative image on the sport? If almost everyone believes women don't know anything about sports, well guess what...a SPORTS program isn't going to be well-received if it's delivered by a fucking WOMAN. It's like if you and all your friends are Nazis all sitting around at home, and a Jew comes to the door trying to sell you tanks at a discount price. He knows full well you are a Nazi, and he goes on explaining all the new features of the the tanks. The tanks really ARE awesome. Well, since you really need the tanks, you'll buy them. But you're thinking: "Damn, that was weird. That Jew is lucky I already know my shit about tanks or I'd be pissed. I'd feel way better if it was another Nazi selling me those tanks."

The broadcaster might know something about sports, but that really doesn't matter. She's the embodiment of anti-sports. You're just sacrificing the quality and reputation of your programming if you put her on the air.

Jennifer Hedger is alright, but she's a woman. I've already got it in my head that she's only there because TSN is trying to diversify their station, so I'm not buying her act. She's a good actor though. The thing that set me off here is this new woman they brought in. She is atrocious...the worst sportscaster I've seen yet. Seriously, what are they trying to do over there?

Brett Favre: Keeping The Madden Curse Alive

2008-07-16T20:17:00.007-06:00

All this talk about Brett Favre is making everybody - even those fucking cheeseheads - mental, but we are all forgetting one very important aspect of his comeback: it gives the Madden Curse a chance to continue. When EA gave Favraro the Madden cover, it looked like he would be free from a career-ending injury or yet another shit terrible season. Lucky for us, he has decided to test the Madden Curse this season.

I'm not looking for a season in which Favraro rides the pine for the Packers, either. That might be sufficient to justify the Curse, but I think John Madden needs to step up his game. Really fuck his shit up. Maybe a frothy-mouthed and disoriented Shawne Merriman can snap his neck. While Favre is walking off the field after a crucial interception (This one can only happen if the Panthers get him, which would have the added bonus of being week 1). Maybe Favre will throw a touchdown to an eligible lineman, then proceed to put said lineman on his shoulders. Vertebrae will fracture, his spine will compress, the lineman will fall on him. Everybody wins.

Maybe, just maybe, the Curse will really reward the world. Favraro will stay with the Packers, who will go 18-0 on their way to the Super Bowl (probably against the Dolphins). Of course, he will not have played in any of those games because he's an asshole. In the Super Bowl, however, with the game tied 2-2 and the Pack in the redzone with :15 remaining, Aaron Rodgers will have a chunk of hair pulled out by Joey Porter (naturally) and be forced to leave the game. It's Favraro time!

All he needs to do is get a clean handoff to Ricky Williams (high as a kite) so they can kick a game-winning field goal. But he sees a hole in the defense! Audible! He sends his only wide-out on a fade and underthrows him by 12 yards where, for whatever reason, Paul Soliai is waiting. As he rumbles down the sideline with time expired, Favraro is the only man with a shot at him (the guy weighs 355 fucking pounds). Soliai promptly stiff arms Favraro, compressing his spine and fracturing several vertebrae (again, 355 fucking pounds). While the Fins celebrate their championship, Shawne Merriman rushes the field and snaps Favraro's neck.

That John Madden is one crazy S.O.B.

Boners for Batman, Shriveled for Spencer, and Other Recent Rumblings

2008-06-16T22:57:00.007-06:00

Since I have incredibly little time to post on here, savor this.

-The Dark Knight keeps getting new trailers. I know you already know this, but I'm 100% sure this movie will be the fucking best movie of the year. By FAR. But in recent days I've thought about all the trailers and teasers they keep putting out. It's starting to get to be too many. I can't resist watching them when they come out, but dammit...I don't want to see the entire movie before I can get into a Batman zone. Showing me a cool clip in the middle of another TV show throws me off my game.

-I saw a clip of Spencer Pratt on FilmDrunk the other day, and he's a fucking idiot. I feel like an idiot mentioning his name here because he has absolutely no reason to be talked about at all. He's some douchebag on The Hills. Letterman rips into him pretty good about being nothing, but Spencer is one of those guys who don't realize they are hated almost universally by average people. He refers to himself as a partner for aspiring rappers(as a job) and says he gets 100,000 to go to clubs. He won't go to a club for less than 100,000. Fuck him.

-You know, there are a lot of shitty commercials on TV. A LOT. But I've found that Mr. Sub is consistently able to put out very good commercials. They don't usually make a heap of sense, but they are always memorable and funny. Kudos to them. Rogers is still at their usual shitheadedness when it comes to commercials. I refuse to buy anything from them because of their bombarding me with these god-awful ads.

-I was in Superstore the other day, and as a former employee, I noticed their new monthly uniforms were long-sleeved collared shirts. I also noticed that everyone there has decided to roll up the sleeves, and not button the collared shirt completely. Every employee I saw had this. Many more had necklaces(guys) or other bullshit to make themselves think they look like a rebel or something. All I know is they were all going for a certain look, and they all failed. This isn't really a big deal, but I just want them to be miserable and all conform while I figure out if the lower fat ranch dressing is worth spending 47 more cents for.

-This is completely irrelevant to anyone's life, but the last couple times I've been at the gym, there has been this girl about my age who runs on the treadmill. She is moderately good-looking. Fake tans too much, bleaches her hair I'm guessing and is a little chubby. Anyways, she runs really intensely on the treadmill, like she's running a marathon. About half the time, she sets the treadmill on an incline and runs on that for a long time. Thing is, she holds on the handles at the front and just leans back on the treadmill so she's actually running straight, making the entire point of running on an incline useless. This goes on for 20 minutes or so and it just kills me whenever I happen to glance over. She looks so fucking stupid leaning all the way back, she has no clue she looks so dumb, and the exercise is completely useless. It's awesome.

Phillly: City of Brotherly Sex

2008-05-09T02:29:00.015-06:00

Christ. I have been so lazy for the longest time. I can't even do a proper post on this shit heap....

Anyway, the fucking Canadiens. What bags of garbage.

I have to shave my fucking head now because they lost their series. Which is horseshit because Philly lost how many games down the stretch. Like 17, I think? Without a win? That's abysmal, teams should fold if that happens, let alone be allowed in the playoffs. Lord Jesus...IF ONLY those fucking abortions missed the playoffs. I would be so happy.

Not only that, I would have my hair right now. It wasn't even a bad bet at the time. Montreal was riding Price and brought them through game seven (mind you, I thought Boston was severely underrated and I knew it would go to 6 or 7). Even still, Philly's previous series was no picnic, and I thought Montreal was far superior. Most did actually, and I thought it was a sure bet that they would get past them...5...maybe 6 games tops. Not even.

Now I'm fucking bald. Which is just dynamite.

As of now, it looks like a dumb ass bet to make, but I didn't think Philly would ever win. I know they weren't that big of a long shot...but the Habs were a very consistent and talented team (if I could describe vaguely). Philly's second half of the season was fucking atrocious. I didn't expect the outcome, it really caught me by surprise. They went down 3-1 and I almost cried. Fuck those flaming cheese-steak eating pouch-lickers.

Flyers Fans

Anyway, I'm mad. My own fault? Yes. But fuck off.

Some explanations are that Price is was not near ready for the playoffs. It would have been picture perfect, though. Picture it, a young 'tender wins the Cup, à la Patrick Roy, Montreal goes crazy and the Cup is back in Canada (I know its Montreal, but fuck it). Even if that was a stretch, they should have beat Philly. I mean, all Philly is are a bunch of cheap-shotting cunts who rely on their off-and-on offence to win games. Which just happen to be on...as with Marty Biron (consistently for once). Obviously great for Philly...but who would have thought that? Maybe Riley, because he has a such a gaping wet spot for them. Or maybe he just loves Lindros...and his huge cunt.

Off topic

Fuck was he a bitch. Had one good year....and only because it was shortened due to a lockout...or else Scott Stevens would have sent him into a coma a few years early. Lindros is the Keyshawn Johnson of the NHL.

Back on...

Watching that series, Montreal had no fucking clue what they were doing. Which was not how they played in the previous series...even in a close one. They didn't deserve to win more than one game in the Philly one. It was embarrassing. But I still feel like I should express my resentment...

I mean, its Philly...they play so simple a child could dissect their shitty system and their defence is straight-up retarded. No exaggeration. They have as much hockey sense as a jar of smashed assholes.

Whatever...go Pittsburgh. Cindy Crosby and Malkin should take care of 'em. God knows Fleury won't. That dude must have sold his soul to the Devil to get into the Conference Finals.

People That Suck

2008-04-14T21:46:00.005-06:00

At a normal, organized blog, I would probably just write these down and let Cock Cleaner put them in one of his "People I Hate" posts. Unfortunately, our blog blows and none of us know what is going on.

People who go to Sarcan with too few or too many cans/bottles

I went to Sarcan the other day with 1.5 bags of cans and 2 milk crates of bottles (parents may be borderline alcoholics). This managed to get me a pretty respectable 23 dollars - I consider anything over 20 dollars a success. But what I did means nothing, because I'm not fucking stupid like everyone else.

This place was packed. They had three lines going and it still had six people per line. Now that I think about it, I'm a bit of a moron for staying. There were people walking in there after me with TWO SMALL SHOPPING BAGS of cans. You know what that probably got them? One dollar and fifty fucking cents. Is $1.50 really worth forty-five minutes of your time?

Then there are the people with 13-14 bags and about six cases of some shit beer (like Black Ice). You do know that there's a limit on how much they can give you, right? They can't just give you the $300 or so that your shit is worth. Come to think of it, why the fuck are you saving your cans and bottles for so long? Is your life really that busy that you can't go to Sarcan every month or so when that 3rd bag fills up? Or are you just such a pile of shit that you drink 12 bags worth of cans in a month? Either way, die.

Also, why do people hate Sarcan workers so much? I always hear them getting ragged on, but I've had no problems with them. If anything, congratulate them for not killing themselves while they do the most monotonous job in the world. People that hate Sarcan workers also fuckin' suck.

Jays fans that boo their own players on a regular basis

First off, the Jays lost a heartbreaker tonight in 14 innings. Burnett got tagged with the loss (naturally) after the Jays ran out of relievers and had to toss him in there. The relief pitching was pretty fantastical, getting out of quite a few jams (a couple no outs, bases loaded situations).

On to the people that suck. I don't want to sound like Drunk Jays Fans and beak Toronto's fans, but they get fucking annoying sometimes. They regularly boo their own pitchers after walks - doesn't matter if it was a 10-pitch at-bat - and they boo after strikeouts. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know it sucks to watch your team fail, but it's one fucking out/walk. If The Big Hurt is 0-4 with 4 K's or Burnett walked the last 3 guys, a little boo might suffice, but don't do it every god damn time.

I also have a new beef with Jamie Campbell and Josh Hamilton (Rangers OF). I had no idea who the guy was until the last series the Jays had with them, but Campbell just loves to slobber all over his cock.

Campbell: And Josh Hamilton is up to the dish. This hot piece of ass doesn't even need a bat. He could just catch the ball with his bare hand and throw it over the fence. Look at those muscles...god...I just...goooooooo.

What a dick.

It's About Fucking Time

2008-04-11T22:08:00.004-06:00

In the "what took you so long" department, we don't have to listen to Bryant Gumbel next year. As we discussed last football season, Gumbel appeared to be fucking awful at announcing football games.

Mock Draft Ver. 2.0

1. Miami - Jake Long - Fits need and makes more sense financially. 30 million for a defensive lineman is way over market value.

2. St. Louis - Chris Long - Least risky pick.

3. Atlanta - Matt Ryan - Joey Harrington and Chris Redman.

4. Oakland - Darren McFadden - Too good to pass up. This team might actually be good if JaMarcus is half decent.

5. Kansas City - Glenn Dorsey - Want Ryan or Jake Long so just go with best available.

6. New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - Could be their Merriman or Ware.

7. New England - Derrick Harvey - I'd take a corner, but they don't invest in corners. They do invest in linebackers though, and they're old and thin there.

8. Baltimore - Leodis McKelvin - Samari ain't what he used to be.

9. Cincinnati - Sedrick Ellis - The obvious pick.

10. New Orleans - Mike Jenkins - Jason David.

11. Buffalo - Devin Thomas - Apparently Malcom Kelly blew shit in his workouts and is no longer considered first round material. They really need a receiver so I guess they reach for Thomas.

12. Denver - Ryan Clady - The loss of Lepsis means tonnes of question marks on the line.

13. Charlotte - Chris Williams - Need a lineman. Will take whoever the Broncos don't take between these two.

14. Chicago - Branden Albert - They need help pretty much everywhere on offense. Start in the trenches.

15. Detroit - Rashard Mendenhall - Mendenhall is almost as good as McFadden in my books (which I realize could not possibly mean less) and they cut Kevin Jones so if he gets past the Bears...

A Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I hate

2008-04-10T17:11:00.004-06:00

People who litter: I know some people who go out of their way to litter. Why do they do it? I don't know. It just makes no sense to me. I could see if it was really really inconvenient, then it can be alright to litter. But to go out of your way to throw garbage onto the grass just blows my mind. A conversation with someone who litters is terrible.

Me: Why did you throw it out the window? I have a garbage in my car and there's garbage can 2 feet away from where we're parked. You're a real asshole, you know that?

Litterer: HAHA Okaaaayyyy tree hugger! Who cares?! Big deal! So what?!

Me: Fuckin hell...

There's nothing you can really say to them, because they've already got it stuck in their head that it's cool to litter. One person telling them they're a dick won't solve anything. Yeah, it's somewhat about the environment, but that's only part of it. You don't want pets and other animals eating your mcdonalds wrapper and you're just making work for someone. Most important of all, have some fucking respect. When you litter, you're not a badass, you're a jackass.

People from Saskatoon: I can't express my disdain for people from Saskatoon enough. Pretty much everyone in that city is a pompous dickhead with their head shoved up their asshole. All they can talk about is how great their fucking city is. Listening to the radio today, people from Saskatoon were calling in saying they should move the football team to Saskatoon, there would be no football team without Saskatoon fans, their girls were hotter, blah blah blah. Seriously, what's better about Saskatoon? They have 2 circle drives for fuck's sake. Their university is really nice, but c'mon...it's fucking school. You go to school to learn, not to sit around and stare at shit. Listen, I like Saskatoon. It's a nice city and all that and I'm sure the people are friendly until you tell them you're from Regina and they all run away going EWWWWWW REGINA! ...but that's beside the point. Saskatoon is a good city, but it's pretty much the exact same as Regina. There's no point in fighting Regina over being a better city. You're not going to win, you're accomplishing nothing, and you're wasting your time. We need to unite against other cities...like Calgary. What a giant shithole.

Congrats on Your New Balls, Cincinnati Bengals

2008-04-03T15:56:00.003-06:00

Bengals News: As a fan of the Bengals, this is good to see. Marvin Lewis has already put Chad Johnson in his place, and did it very well. His speech on the topic was very pretty tough and he made it crystal clear that Chad Johnson will be a Bengal next season. I think Chad will play, and play well. If the Bengals can somehow do better this year and manage to make the playoffs, Chad won't be a problem.

In other Bengal news, they cut Chris Henry. This is another step in the right direction for the Bengals. After he turned himself in on an assault charge this morning, the Bengals announced they were going to cut him. He's a player, but man...get a fucking brain. I don't think it's entirely his fault, and people might just be taking advantage of his troublesome past, but in any case, it all comes back to him. If you're fortunate enough to be able to play in the NFL, you CANNOT be doing dumb shit. He got a second chance with the Bengals after last year, so he should have been sitting at home and working out or something every night. Thing is, his priorities are all fucked up. If you pick going out and drinking every night over playing in the NFL, if I was an owner, I would not want you on my team. Some people just don't realize how lucky they are.

So...this really thins out the receivers on the Bengals. After Housh and CJ, it's Antonio Chatman. Obviously, they need to fill those spots. Malcolm Kelly, the best WR, isn't rated high enough to be taken #9. I'm guessing they'll take the best DT or DE available at their spot, then take a receiver next round. They might trade up a few spots to make sure they get Sedrick Ellis. In any case, they'll be taking a defensive player with whatever pick they end up with.

I don't know what the Bengals have been doing with their team. Look at their 2005 roster. The team now consists of pretty much the exact same players, just minus most of the good ones. No one has gotten better. It's like they've traded all their draft picks the last 2 years for an old sandwich.

Broncos News: Fucking Brandon Marshall. He's going to miss the entire offseason because of his stupid arm. I don't know how you almost rip your arm off wrestling with a family member, and I don't know why he's a grown man(and a giant football player) wrestling family members, but this just sucks.

For the draft, the Broncos are pretty much guaranteed to take an Offensive Tackle. They gotta protect Cutler better than last year.

Eagles News: Eagles, get a fucking wide receiver. McNabb is a great player, but he can only do so much with Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis. If they just had one really good receiver, it would probably catapult them back into the NFC Championship game. McNabb has never complained about his receivers, but look how good they were when T.O. was there.

They'll probably draft some defensive loser. I say take the best WR available, shore up linebacking or safety in the second and third rounds.

I Got A Hate-on For These Commercials

2008-04-01T18:48:00.003-06:00

All-Bran: All-Bran had a good idea. When they came out with that "These All-Bran snacks taste really good," that was funny. I really liked that commercial.

As usual, once companies get a hold on something good, they beat it into the fucking ground. They had a guy going around the office saying that phrase and people spit water all over him, and NOW they have a guy eating cereal in a meeting saying the phrase. Don't these companies get it? IT'S NOT FUNNY. It's just like those Capital One "Hands in my pocket" commercials. If someone tells you a funny joke, you'll laugh. If they tell you the joke tomorrow, you might chuckle. If they tell you that joke 3 times a day for a week, you'll kick them in the junk.

If you want your company and commercial to be memorable, don't air it every second commercial. Make it a rare occurence, so people will be able to actually remember it for being funny and clever, not for being shoved down their throats.

Maltesers: Maltesers commercials are stupid. The one with the couple watching a movie is the worst. The girl asks for a piece of the candy the way a porn star asks for an eggplant up her vagina. Then the guy gives her a Maltesers by sucking through the straw and holding the candy on the straw before dropping into her mouth. It ends with the two of them giggling like retards for some unknown reason. Apparently eating candy makes you laugh or something. The goal, I guess is to show that the candy is light. Yeah, good job Maltesers, I really want to buy your fucking candy because it's light. Idiots.

The Somewhat Recurrent Topic: People I Hate.

2008-04-01T16:40:00.005-06:00

Today: People who have to do some sort of "gang sign" in pictures.

Why? I don't understand. Are they just looking for something to do with their hands? It makes no sense.

The most common hand sign is giving the "peace sign" in pictures. If you're a girl, you must always look to the side, still keeping your eyes on the camera, and then make your lips pouty. Oh...nearly forgot...the peace sign must always be sideways. If you're a guy, doesn't really matter. Just make sure it's sideways. And that's how you can look like a fucking tool in all your pictures.

I have a suggestion. When someone takes a picture of you, just fucking stand there and smile. You can put your hands in your pocket, maybe around someone's shoulder, cross them if you want...hell just leave them hanging there. I really don't care, as long as it's not some sort of stupid gangster sign.

Listen...if you're not a black rapper trying to make a statement, then don't do the fucking sign. You're not a gangster...you're a smegma bag.

2008-03-31T18:18:00.003-06:00

So, Madden 09 on August 12. Time to get way too excited and set myself up for disappointment! This is my favorite tradition of the year.

Apparently there's a 20th anniversary edition that includes NFL Head Coach 09 and a bunch of other bullshit. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Guess how much this costs? 89.99! And that's American, so I'm sure they'll jack it up another five bucks up here. I'm not going to call it highway robbery, because you do get two games. Expressway robbery? Freeway robbery maybe? Either way, I probably won't buy Madden first day, maybe not at all if it doesn't impress me.

7 Things That Must Happen if The Jays are Going to Win the Wild Card

2008-03-27T21:55:00.002-06:00

Unlike other contributors to this blog, I have not given up on the Blue Jays before the season has started. Granted, they are still likely to finish third with a record that is four games above .500, followed by the inevitable firing of Riccardi, followed by three shitty rebuilding years, followed by four mediocre years, followed by the cycle starting again. That being said, the Yankees are not nearly the powerhouse they've been recently and the Red Sox have a lot of question marks in their rotation, especially if Beckett misses significant time. I've decided Toronto will need to win at least 93 games to have a chance at the Wild Card, and I feel like this is possible if most of the following happen.

1. Big breakout years years by Alex Rios and Dusty Lambchops

I'm pretty confident McGowan will throw down a pretty serious year. Only ten pitchers had more strikeouts after the All-Star break last year and his numbers got better every month. He needs to emerge as almost dominant and make 30 some starts.

I don't feel so great about Rios. Obviously the guy is really good, but I'm afraid he's never going to take it to the next level. His numbers have been identical for the last two years which, to me, indicates that he's reached his peak. I heard he came to Spring Training with 20 pounds of muscle so hopefully his power numbers go up. I'd like to see some more plate discipline too.

2. Don't lose nine games in a row in May

This is pretty obvious, but it was pretty much the season last year. If they would've won half these games, they would have been at least within shouting distance of the Wild Card in September.

3. A Good Start by Frank Thomas

This guy can still hit but has been a notoriously slow starter the last couple years. Last year he turned it up right around the time the Jays fell out of contention. They can't afford that, so he needs to be more consistent.

4. A More consistent Halladay

This falls in with the Thomas thing, in that they can't afford to fall behind in the standings if they want to make the playoffs. Roy was as good as can be expected at this point in his career for most of the year, but had a disastrous May and a weak June which, not coincidentally, coincided with his appendectomy and the nine game losing streak. The declining strikeout rate also concerns me, and they should have John McDonald out there whenever he pitches because of this.

5. Another Huge Year from the 'Pen

I can't possibly complain about the performance of the relievers last year, but I'm going to preemptively complain about this years performance. With no Janssen and no Beej for at least the first month, we're going to see a lot of Jason Frasor, Brandon League, and Scott Downs for the first while. This has the potential to work great as long as Gibby does not attempt to make Downs' arm fall off again.

6. Bounce back years from Vern and Overbay

These guys were simply awful last year, partially due to injury, partially due to general shitty play. This can't happen again.

7. Stay Healthy

This is probably a pipe dream, I'll admit, but it's pretty much the only chance we've got. Pretty hard to win with replacement level players and on a team this thin, you're pretty much getting AAA guys. It's probably a bad omen that Janssen is gone for the year, and Rolen and the Beej are out at least until early May and AJ already had problems.

Who the hell am I kidding? This team is going no where fast unless they get extremely lucky. New York isn't that great anymore, but there's enough other good teams in the AL that they will need to be almost flawless to make the playoffs.

7 Reasons Why The Blue Jays Will, Once Again, Lose

2008-03-27T00:17:00.010-06:00

Casey Janssen tore his labrum. I had to look up what the hell that was, but even before then it just sounded bad. Anything with "pitcher" and "torn" means bad news; unless you're Josh Beckett, then you replace "torn" with "gaping vagina". Anyway, this breaks my heart for two reasons: Casey Janssen is a solid pitcher with balls of steel who can go in and hold a lead or just eat up innings, and his career could be hurt because of this (although not too likely). They still have Downs, Accardo, and Ryan, but Janssen had a good chance at that 5th spot in the rotation.
Speaking of that 5th starter, reason number two is: Jesse Litsch. Yeah, he tossed a gem in his first career start. Too bad he still isn't good. Not overpowering, doesn't have control, and decent stamina at best. Hooray for forcing Wolverine into the game after three innings! Note: I saw he pitched well today. It was one game...he stills blows.

Our two big acquisitions of the off-season: Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. That twat MBE would disagree with me here, but I'm telling you right now they aren't much of an upgrade from last year. Eckstein is better offensively than past Jays shortstops, but he had that horrendous dickduster and his fantastic .960 fielding percentage will remind me of Royce "Fucking Tool" Clayton. Rolen won't play much, but even when he does he'll be a mediocre hitter at best and a slightly more agile Troy Glaus. Okay, way more agile.

Marco Scutaro. If you take playing time from Aaron Hill like Fucking Tool did to Johnny Mac, I'll shit everywhere. Aaron Hill is a badass, and he proved last year he can play the whole year. Just ride the pine and be happy with it, Scrote.

John Gibbons, please don't fuck with the bullpen. I know you can't blame him for losses, but I'm blaming him for some losses last year. You have a fantastic bullpen this year so don't wear down two guys' arms within the first 2 weeks. And I like the idea of playing the matchups in the 8th/9th with B.J. and Accardo (MBE style). They've both proven they can close games, so just put either one in when the matchup suits them instead of forcing B.J. to play the 9th every game.

Rod Barajas. What the fuck J.P.?

Seriously, he blows.

But in all honesty, I like the looks of their pitching this year - don't screw it up, Gibbons - with (almost) everyone seeming to be healthy, but their bats/defense won't cut it. Then again, Vern can't possibly have another season like last year, can he?

Go Jays!

F--cking Seth Rogen

2008-03-26T19:12:00.001-06:00

this video isn't good. i just don't really have anything else to post.

It's Moshzilla!

2008-03-23T22:50:00.001-06:00

Your NCAA Headquarters Are HERE

2008-03-20T20:50:00.000-06:00

For everything you needed to know about March Madness, this should be your only source of information.

On day one, even though it's not over yet, there was only one real headline.

Oral Roberts sucked major dick.

Seriously, they blew. Hard. I've never seen a team so unable to wrap their lips around the concept of defence. DeJuan Blair was huge in the middle, and Oral Roberts just could not penetrate them down low. At one point, they were 5-9 from beyond the 3-point line and 1-16 from everywhere else. That's so pathetic.

Pittsburgh was too big for Oral Roberts. No matter what Oral Roberts did, Pittsburgh's hugeness just made anything Oral Roberts did seem insignificant and useless. It must have frustrating for Pittsburgh just to have to put up with it. Oral tried running up and down the outside, that didn't work. They tried sticking it inside, that didn't work. Oral just couldn't get their stroke down against a big Pitt team.

On top of that, Pitt blanketed Oral on defence. It got really rough, actually. Oral Roberts would have needed to lube their entire team up just to get out of the coverage.

At Oral Roberts, they live with constant reminders of the school motto, “Expect a Miracle,” but there were no miracles this day, not against that team. All they got was shock. You could see it smeared all over their faces.

Are Automatic Car Washes Are F--king Retarded?

2008-03-20T20:44:00.000-06:00

If it's extremely cold out and you don't have a garage and for some reason you absolutely have to wash your car and don't feel like drying it with towels or something, then an automatic car wash is mildly acceptable.

Other than that, there is only one possible good reason to go to an automatic car wash.

You have to be a lazy asshole who has no concept of cost-effectiveness. I consistently see cars lined up to get into these places on beautiful days and can't understand why in the world you'd go there.

Here are pros and cons of an automated car wash.

Pros
-You don't have to go through the effort of getting out of your car and washing your car yourself. Interestingly enough, you probably also fervently wish there were escalators in your house.

-There's a dryer at the end that sort of dries off your car. Meaning you're under the delusion that a car is much like a regular person, who enjoys being being dried off right after they're done a shower.

Cons
-It costs what...like 7$-9$ minimum? I got beef with that. I spend 2$-3$ on car washes. I go to that new hand carwash. I spend 1$ on that soap spray, give the car a quick spray all around for 30 seconds, then switch to the foam brush. I let the foam flow out onto the car for the rest of my minute. Then, I just use the brush and scrub it down for however long that takes me. I'll use the second 1$ to just rinse it off. Simple enough, and my car is just as clean as anyone elses. So automated car washes cost around 6$ more for me.

-I can clean my own car way better than that machine. That machine is just happy to go back and forth and the same speed over every section of the car. Well say there's some spots dirtier than others? Maybe you gotta spend a little time cleaning a bit more on those areas. NOOOOO SIRREE! You ain't doing that in one o' your fancy car washes.

-Think of what you could buy instead. All kinds of awesome shit. A BJ from MBE's sister.That's right! 5$ limited time offer!

...

Conclusion: I'm awesome.

Hey...Shut up.

2008-03-14T16:15:00.001-06:00

"That was the TSN turning point!"

This is a phrase that when used correctly, provides a dose of humor and an interesting reference to pop culture. It works like a charm in certain situations. However, when used the wrong way, it makes you look like a complete fucking tool and a giant dickhole. But it's the absolute worst when it's accepted by the entire group and the stupid comment goes unnoticed.

Happy Birthday Trent! Have Your Locker Empty By Tomorrow, Please

2008-03-13T20:30:00.007-06:00

After a season full of incompletions, interceptions, and fumbles, Trent Dilfer (pictured, left) has had his contract terminated by the San Fransisco 49ers. Dilfer started six games last year (with one (losing) relief appearance) - losing all but one - before getting knocked the fuck out and later outshined by a subpar rookie. It's expected that this will be the end of his career, as getting cut by the 49ers is pretty much a career breaker. And even if it isn't, it would probably force you to reconsider your profession.

I just don't understand this decision from the Niners. This is Trent Fucking Dilfer we're talking about here. The guy won a Superbowl! Sure, he may have thrown more TDs than INTs only once last year, but look at what he's done in the past. In 2000, he quarterbacked the Ravens to a wild card berth and a Superbowl, despite being seen trying to lose every week.

Actually, that's pretty much all he's done. He's so shitty he couldn't even blow a game properly. Happy birthday Trent, and good luck in free agency.

Rejoice!

2008-03-13T16:36:00.004-06:00

Greg Oden participated in his first practice with the Blazers since undergoing microfracture surgery on his right knee. Unfortuneately for the Blazers, Oden has missed his entire rookie season and has been unable to help the team make a serious run for the playoffs. Unfortuneately for Greg Oden, he still looks like a grizzled Vietnam War veteran.

Butch Harmon Will Not Put Up With Your Bullshit

2008-03-11T23:59:00.015-06:00

In an effort to find some kind of sports news that was both awesome and not already on a blog everybody reads, I found a nice piece about John Daly on Yahoo!. Apparently, people are starting to get sick of his so-called "shenanigans".

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing
in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most
important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

That would be Butch Harmon, Daly's swing coach, explaining why he will no longer be offering Daly his services. I guess Daly spent 2-hour rain delay at a tournament - which he got into on a sponsor's exemption because his fat ass lost his PGA Tour card - drinking in a Hooters, then brought Jon Gruden out to caddy for him when play resumed. Needless to say, he missed the cut.

Colour me impressed. Not only did he give a big fuck you to the PODS Championship people by bringing out an NFL coach to caddy for him, but he shot a 77 after drinking for two and a half hours straight. And because this is John Daly, we can probably assume that those two and a half hours were not spent drinking one or two beers. They were more likely spent doing jag bombs, drinking absinthe, and beating women.

As for Butch, he watches a guy shoot a 77 (probably) blind drunk, then ditches him? Most people couldn't shoot 110 on those courses sober, let alone pissed. If he was as good a coach as he thinks he is, he would have Daly practicing drunk to better prepare him for tournament play.

Hilarious Update: According to Yahoo! (again), Daly was kicked out of the Arnold Palmer Invitational this weekend because he missed his tee time for the wednesday Pro-Am. He claims he was told the wrong tee time, but we all know he was just too shitfaced to wake up. Anyway, he also got Nick O'Hern and Ryuji Imada booted from the tourney because they were next up after Daly and weren't there early enough, I guess. Good old John, trying to ruin as many people's lives as he can before the inevitable heart failure.

Mock Draft Ver. 1.0

2008-03-11T18:29:00.002-06:00

The NFL Draft is fast approaching, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to opine on who I feel each team should take. I don't know a tonne about the prospects, so a lot of this will be based on team need. But, and be honest here, who would you rather have building your team, me or Bill Parcells? That's what I thought.

1. Miami Dolphins - Matt Ryan, QB

Even though it seems like McFadden is the best prospect and athlete in this class, I feel like when you have the first overall pick, you should take a quarterback because you cannot succeed in the NFL without good quarterback play. Plus, Ronnie Brown is very good, providing he comes back from his injury, and running backs are a dime a dozen, unlike quarterbacks. If Parcells doesn't like Ryan or any other QB's in the draft he should trade down for a package of picks and whatnot. John Beck will not win you a Super Bowl.

2. St. Louis Rams - Chris Long, DE

While Long does not appear to bring any one terrific skill to the table, he will be a reliable end for many years.

3. Atlanta Falcons - Glenn Dorsey, DT

The Falcons need a quarterback badly, but with Ryan gone and Michael Turner making McFadden unnecessary, the Falcons should take this opportunity to take a potentially dominant defensive lineman. Combined with last year's first rounder Jamaal Anderson and John Abraham, the Falcons have the makings of a pretty decent defensive line.

4. Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden, RB

Because Justin Fargas is not as good as his numbers were last year.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Jake Long, OT

Because Damion McIntosh is not that good period.

6. New York Jets - Keith Rivers, OLB

The Jets already acquired a nosetackle for their 3-4 D, so I doubt they are taking Sedrick Ellis here and Vernon Gholston is not good enough against the run to play end in the 3-4. This leaves Rivers, a pretty good looking OLB.

7. New England Patriots - Leodis McKelvin, CB

They need help in the secondary and corner makes as much sense as any other position.

8. Baltimore Ravens - Brian Brohm, QB

Because he is much better than anyone else on their quarterback depth chart, and all the stuff from the Dolphins applies.

9. Cincinnati Bengals - Vernon Gholston, DE

This guy has "Bigger version of Dwight Freeney" written all over him. 6-3, 266, 4.58 in the 40, 42 inch vert, enough said. In fact, I'm sure he'll go sooner than this given how much scouts love guys like this.

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins, CB

Thankfully for them, they have already replaced Jason David with Randall Gay. However, David is still slated to be the nickelback. This clearly needs to be addressed.

11. Buffalo Bills - Malcom Kelly, WR

The Bills defense seems to be coming together good enough, and at least Kelly would give them a receiver taller than 5 foot 7.

12. Denver Broncos - Chris Williams, OT

The nucleus of Denver's dominant O-lines of the past decade seems to have eroded.

13. Carolina Panthers - Kentwan Balmer, DT

The loss of Kris Jenkins frees up a spot on the inside of the defensive line.

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall, RB

Because it's never too early to give up on Cedric Benson. Plus, Mendenhall can catch much better than McFadden, or so I've heard.

15. Detroit Lions - Chris Clady, OT

Despite gaping holes in the secondary, this team needs to keep Kitna on his feet. I realize it's ninety percent his fault, but you still have to try.

*************************************************************************************

In other news:

Fernando Torres : Still awesome

Gustavo Chacin : Still awful

Pat Simmons : Really lucky

Kevin Martin and co. : Terrifyingly good

Shaun Alexander : Finally done?

A Completely Infeasible and Far Fetched Plan to Save the NHL

2008-03-06T21:41:00.003-06:00

There has been much discussion around these parts lately about the popularity of hockey now and in the future. I firmly believe the NHL is sliding slowly into irrelevance and you could make the argument that it is already irrelevant. Let's face it, when 80% of the franchises are located in a country that doesn't give a shit about the sport, there is a problem. That being said, there is hope....

Step 1: Retract some gosh darned teams

Why was hockey so badass in the fifties and sixties? A few reasons. A shallow player pool, resulting in amazing talent spread across every team; passionate rivalries because teams played early and often; and teams that didn't change players every week, giving more casual fans a better opportunity to learn the players, resulting in knowledgeable, passionate fan bases.

None of this exists now.

Solution: get rid of at least ten teams, preferably in places that are not selling tickets. I'm far too lazy to research who actually sells tickets, but I'm going to suggest who to contract.

Florida, Nashville, Atlanta, Carolina, Phoenix, Tampa Bay, Washington, San Jose, Columbus, and I would recommend consolidating L.A. and Anaheim into one team. Anaheim is in L.A. at this point.

I would love if more teams could be moved to Canada, but there does not seem to be places to put teams. Winnipeg and Quebec City are the only places big enough, but we know how that turned out.

Step 2: Slash costs.....Slash ticket prices

I realize costs are way down from before the lockout, but they are quickly escalating again. The NHL likes to pretend it can contend with the big boys as far as salaries, and as an extension of that, ticket prices. The reality is that they cannot. This league has nowhere near the revenue the other 'Big 3' has.

The NHL has an average salary of 1.75 million. The NFL has an average salary of 1.1 million. I realize NFL teams require twice as many players, but you must admit, this is retarded. Each NFL team makes 84 million dollars a year in TV money. The average NHL team takes in 81 million dollars a year total. This does not equate at all, especially when you consider how much more the NFL makes in terms of merchandising and other such things.

The way to bring people back to the rink is to reduce prices. The average family pretty much can't go to a game at this point. The only way to make this possible is to reduce costs, and this means reducing player salaries.

Step 3: Rule changes?

I'm not necessarily in favour of any or all of these changes. Is it worth saving the game if you're just going to bastardize it into something unrecognizable? Nevertheless, consider the following:

Remove fighting : The effect this would have is arguable. Some love fighting, some hate it. My guess is this would be a wash. You'd lose as many as you gain. In fact, forget I even brought this up.

Enforce the obstruction rules : This also doesn't work in my opinion. It just results in more powerplays, which are just guys passing the puck around, and are not overly exciting. This section is not working out the way I planned it. Maybe this game is not salvageable.

Bigger nets : The problem with hockey in most peoples eyes is flow of the game. Making the net bigger only results in more goals, not more flow. The game becomes no more exciting. Bigger nets are also useless. This is why I never write anything on here.

Olympic Ice : This is the moneymaker. The argument here is that the rinks cannot accommodate the changes. I call bullshit. Just add a few more feet of the pipes under the ice. The only issue I can see here is that you lose a little bit of seating capacity, but in most markets these seats are empty anyway, which looks retarded on TV. As an added bonus, you get more expensive front row seats because the circumference of the ice is larger! It's a win-win. This should also clear up some space on the ice for some sweet stuff to happen. The best hockey I ever remember seeing is the 2002 Olympics. This may have had more to do with who won and such but whatever.

Four on Four : I think this is dumb. It's all I'm going to say.

Conclusion:

This is much longer than intended and I didn't say half the shit I wanted too. But it's a start. To me, the biggest problem is the economics of the league. Like I said, they want to compete with Baseball, Football, and most of all Basketball. The reality is that they cannot right now. Someday they might get back to the hey day of the early nineties, but that will not happen soon, and not without some big time changes to the league. Status Quo is simply not good enough.

The Popularity of Hockey

2008-03-06T15:35:00.013-06:00

Where is hockey headed?
Will it popular in 10 years?
Will it be popular in 100 years?

Let's delve into the world of hockey.

In the 90s, hockey had reached its peak popularity. It was a major part of pop-culture in the U.S. Hockey was a part of TV and movies. The Mighty Ducks were all about hockey, and movies like Happy Gilmore and Wayne's World referenced to the sport quite a bit. Even the most popular show on TV, Seinfeld, talked about hockey(C'mon man, support the team. THE DEVILLLLLLS!!!!) for awhile. Hockey jerseys were worn regularly in movies (Christmas Vacation, Pushing Tin). Where is that kind of stuff now?

You don't see any of that today. Hockey is just not a part of pop-culture anymore.

...

The lost season a couple years ago has affected hockey badly. When people lost hockey, they simply moved on to other sports. Canadians didn't move on, but Americans did. Hockey was alright, but losing it was no big deal. And it's tough to win back fans when games are broadcast on the Outdoor Life Network.

...

Northern European countries and Russia are the only other places that care about hockey. Mainly because, like Canada, it's so freakin cold for a lot of the year. And when it's winter for a lot of the year, hockey is by far the best and most fun thing to do outside. Hockey does fairly well in these countries, but soccer still rules. Hockey won't die out, but it will never grow as popular as soccer. Soccer only continues to grow in this increasingly global world as a world-wide sport. Eventually it will be popular in North America and should eventually become the second most popular sport next to football in the US. People can only have so many sports to follow, and hockey is barely getting by as it is. Soccer might squeeze hockey out of the minds of Americans (keep in mind this is a long time from now). Canadians are very apt to do whatever Americans do and they follow American media closely, so when hockey is out of the public eye of Americans, hockey will eventually fall away from Canadians.

...

Just found this out. It may interest you to know that Nike is selling their hockey division to a group of investors headed by, you guessed it, a Canadian. Nike acquired Bauer in 1994 for 395$ million. Hockey was surging, with the league adding 4 expansion teams, relocating Minnesota's franchise to Dallas, and major networks airing hockey games. Originally trying to stand alone as a brand, they failed and had to fall back on the Bauer brand. Nike-Bauer sold well, but not well enough. Nike is now selling their hockey division for 200$ million...half of what they paid for it. Their products will be phased out in 2 years.

...

Registered hockey players in both Canada and the U.S. have declined for the second straight year. Not that big of a deal.

So you might be saying to yourself "Golly gee, looks like hockey ain't what it used to be." Consider THIS.

Here's a slightly racist theory. Most kids aspire to be great athletes in the sport of their choosing. With almost all the top athletes in sports like Football and Basketball being black, hockey is 99.9% white people. Parents might steer their kids towards a sport they know they can excel in, like hockey. If white people don't even get a look because of their skin color in other sports, hockey would at least accept them.

...

As long as winter is around, hockey will be around. Winter's not going away, so hockey is here to stay. I don't know how this global warming will turn out, but if it means longer winters, then hockey will only grow.

...

Hockey will weave its way back into the minds of Americans soon. The layoff was a setback, but hockey can recover. With physical sports like MMA growing more and more popular, hockey and its fighting will increase in popularity. Americans demand a physical game, and hockey delivers. With demand only growing for very physical sports, sports like cricket and soccer are unlikely to make their way into the market and establish themselves the way sports like football already have.

There.

I think I've touched on most things. Any others are welcome in the comments.
As for me, it's tough to say. I think hockey's popularity is declining, but hockey will never fade away. As long as batshit crazy countries like Canada are around to support it, I don't expect hockey to go anywhere. Its world popularity will decline if all European Countries have to follow is their own country's shitty leagues where the best players leave to play in North America. They rarely have an occasion to get excited about the sport, and when they do, Canada stomps in and shits all over them.

So what's in store for sports in the future? Who cares, we'll be dead.

So enjoy yourself.

Your Soccer Rundown

2008-03-04T21:14:00.005-06:00

To catch you up to date with soccer happenings, here's a lil rundown of world events.

First, you got the Champions League. They're in the Round of 16 right now, with 4 teams of the Round of 8 decided today. Here they are.

Arsenal vs. AC Milan

Arsenal advanced to the round of 8 after defeating Milan 2-0 in the second leg. The game was poised to go into overtime until the 84th minute, when Fabregas sent a bouncer into the corner of the net from the top of the 18 yard box. Their second goal was just a result of Milan trying desperately to score a goal at the other end.

I guess Arsenal deserved to go through, but it's tough to say one deserved it more than the other when they're equally matched through 2 games until one team scores a lucky one right near the end. I had no qualms about this game's result, so I ended up cheering for Arsenal because AC Milan's jerseys are stupid and ugly.

Barcelona vs. Celtic

This game pretty much had a pre-determined outcome after Barcelona beat Celtic 3-2 in Glasgow, meaning Celtic would have to win by 2 in the second leg in Barcelona. Considering how good Barcelona is, a win just wasn't gonna happen. Barcelona won 1-0. I like Barcelona, but I like Celtic more. Celtic just doesn't have the star power to compete with a pwnasaurus like Barca.

-Editor's note here: I remain convinced that soccer is far and away the worst sport to take pictures of. You cannot take a picture of a free kick, a header, a tackle, or a shot without everyone in the picture looking like a retard. No other sport comes close.

Sevilla vs. Fenerbahce

This would have been a good game to watch. It even went to penalties because the aggregate score was 5-5 between the two games. Fenerbahce won, but they won't make it much farther. Losers.

Man U vs. Lyon

Another good game, but as expected, Manchester United advanced. Lyon hung in there, but Man U is just too good. Man U won 1-0 and advanced 2-0 on aggregate.

...

Now on to the World Rankings.

Canada is ranked 58th in the world. Considering it's been ranked in the 100s in recent years, I guess we'll take what we can get. Still, fuck that. 58th? That's bullshit. Guess who's 59th?

Bosnia-Herzegovina. Fucking BOSNIA. Remember them? Slobodan Milosevic, the butcher of the Balkans? Massive Civil War? Thousands of land mines? Ring a bell? It should. Bosnia-Herzegovina now has just over 3 million people. Canada has 30 million people.

Cripes! All the Bosnian team (if they can even find a team) has to play against is a team of landmines. And landmines don't lose!

Teams ahead of Canada include Wales, Lithuania, Mali, Slovakia, Moldova, etc. Fucking Moldova.

Whatever Slovakia, Canada can still beat you at hockey. So shove your soccer ranking up your ass!
-Editor's note: No one gives a shit about hockey except Canadians

The US is down to 26th, which isn't bad, but they were ranked in the top 15 for quite awhile so thats kind of a downer.

If you're looking for a laugh, check out garfield without garfield. It's hilarious!

NFL Offseason Report: Bucs Inch One Step Closer To Creating The Perfect QB

2008-03-03T22:05:00.007-06:00

The Buccaneers now have the oddest collection of quarterbacks this world has ever known. It's like they're hoping all the quarterbacks will engage in a big orgy and produce the singular greatest quarterback of all time.

One with Chris Simms' boyish good looks, Jeff Garcia's ability to bag incredibly hot girls despite looking like a chihuahua-horse with skin cancer , Bruce Gradkowski's skin tone, Luke McCown's ability to...pick his nose, Jake Plummer's ability to make laser precision throws while avoiding tackles with his incredibly quick feet, and now... the last piece of the puzzle...the go get 'em attitude and mental fortitude of...Dennis Quaid! Congratulations Bucs on your new acquisition!

Reverse Racism Running Rampant

2008-02-29T19:21:00.007-06:00

Examples:

commercial #1: Car commercial. Two guys are in a car, driving down the road. The driver remarks how he can set play his music by saying the name of the artist out loud. The driver's friend then says "Michael Bolton," making the driver look like a fool when Michael Bolton comes on. The driver, needless to say, is embarrassed.

commercial #2: A Muchmusic commercial. Two guys want music. One does it the Muchmusic way, succeeding in doing whatever the hell it is he wanted to do. The other guy does it another way, failing in the process. The Muchmusic guy is clearly smarter, while the other guy is a fool.

commercial #3: McDonald's commercial. One guy has a burger from the dollar menu, another has a different burger. The McDonald's guy is portrayed as being way smarter and just all around awesomer. Awesomer is a word. Look it up. No? It's a word now, cockbag.

commercial #4:: Dominos "You've got 30 minutes" delivery commercial. Guy opens door to receive pizza, asks delivery person to guess what they did with their 30 minutes. Delivery person says (insert dumb act here), guy, who clearly did the aforementioned dumb act, says "No!" then shuts the door.

Enough examples.

Problem? In all these commercials, the fool was white. The smart person is black. In every single commercial with only 2 guys, if there a black person, they will ALWAYS be the smart, sensible person.

Here's how it goes.

A commercial where a white man is better than a black man.

Society: RACISM! OPPRESSION! Classic case of whites having power over blacks! NAZIS! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!

A commercial where a black man is better than a white man.

Society: (thumb up their ass)Huh? What's the problem?

...

There's a new movie coming out called "College Road Trip" which is pretty much the same exact situation. From what I can tell from the previews, it's basically a black family and a white family vacationing together, and the white people are complete dipshits and act like retards. Imagine if it was the other way around.

I just don't approve of this sort of thing. That's all I'll say on this topic.

Sorry...that you're all fuckheads

2008-02-29T00:34:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple days. I'll get one up soon. I'll repeat, it's not hard to post something once in awhile. I'm looking at you MBE.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest you check out the sitemeter thing I got. Go to site referrals on the side bar when you enter. You get to see what people type in google to come to this site.

So far, the ones I like the best are:

1."Rogers Commercials suck"

-This has moved up to #1 in google. Congratulations Rogers, you fucking mongrels.

2."the influences of shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and My Super Sweet 16"

-This site is at #4 for that. Hooray!

3."Diamond Shreddies Bullshit"

-#1 again. Good job whatever your name is that posted that article. Fucking loser.

4."Muscular man cleaner"

-#5. I wonder what that guy was looking for when he typed that in. I'm pretty sure he meant Mr. Clean

5. Wait scratch that, this is number 1. I'm not going back up to rearrange this shit. Anyway. 1. "Kyle Orton Neckbeard"

-If you type that in, we're #5. That is fucking success, people. Look out obscure Deadspin link, here we come!

Others include: "how much does soulja boy make" at #5, "rogers commercial hate" at #1, and other stupid ones. Go look if you feel like it, although I've pretty much summarized here.

WIB post

2008-02-20T13:20:00.001-06:00

Burgers or Pizza

Fuck, now I'm hungry.

Another MBS post...but NO! It's different!

2008-02-20T13:05:00.004-06:00

Alright, another one. Jeez, if we can't debate on the morality of dogfucking, I don't know what to talk about. How about we turn this into a "Which Is Better?" post. We'll have two options, you choose your side. Alright? Now it's called a WIB post. Got that you fucking morons?

Sorry...that was mean. So the first topic will be thus:

Which is better?

A held-in big, solid, one-wipe poop VS. Pissing when you've held it for a long time

Rogers Commercials Suck Ass

2008-02-19T01:49:00.004-06:00

For the love of God...

There is no possible way that Rogers commercials could get worse. I know we've discussed this many times, but really...it can't be emphasized enough. These ads are mind-numbingly retarded. The fucking idiots in marketing are utter failures. What the fuck are they thinking? I can imagine their meetings.

Idiot 1: Alright guys, time to crap out a new ad. Any ideas?

Idiot 2: Mmmm...I don't know. Maybe some gay buttsex will help us think.

Idiot 3: Yeah, gay buttsex.

(gay buttsex)

Idiot 1: Alright, what do we got?

Idiot 2: ...

Idiot 3: ...

Idiot 1: More buttsex?

What a bunch of donkeys.

This fairly new ad features, as usual, the infamous "Five Fucking Faggoteers" of Rogers' previous commercials. Presumably driving either to or from a trip to the mountains. One of the girls takes a picture of the driver, then procedes to mention to the group how she'll post it on facebook and that people will laugh at it, then post on her wall, thereby making her laugh.

Analysis: Alright, this is too stupid. You can figure it out your damn selves. I fucking hate Rogers. I hope the entire marketing team goes straight to hell.

Fuck you Rogers.

Shitty Fucking Ideas

2008-02-18T03:45:00.011-06:00

In honour of the original concept of this blog, I'll be filling you in on things I come across that are unforgivably fucking stupid. I find that TV producers do a great job of helping me find these things, so most will be TV based.

Also, I changed the title to something more fitting. Chances are you fuckers didn't think I would ever take the time to write another one of these columns, but hey...Impossible is Nothing.

Shreddies

I've never really been a big fan of Shreddies cereal. Much like Special K or Rice Krispies, it doesn't have a whole lot to offer. The only time I eat it is when we're fresh out of all other cereal, but even then it's basically just a bowl of brown sugar with a couple Shreddies tossed in. Not only did it not have much taste, but it turned into complete mush after about four minutes. You could potentially blame that on the absurd amounts of brown sugar in it, but that would be unfair to the provider of taste.

Well, Post finally decided to put a stop to all that with their new cereal: Diamond Shreddies! Well fuck me sideways. To quote the fine people of Post: "Think that we can't make 100% whole grain wheat Shreddies cereal even better? Well, we just did!" We turned those motherfuckers 45 degrees! Won't taste like shit no more!

I still can't decide if this is a joke or not. It's mind numbingly retarded. They even have a fucking website for this stuff. Either way, Post, I'm not eating either of your bullshit cereals.

Adidas

We've talked about this many times, but I feel like the rest of our readers (I'm lookin' at you, Carl) should know about the bullshit spewing from Reggie Bush's mouth. The first one that I saw was of Jonah Lomu, so I rationally assumed that they would all be about people who faced serious adversity and managed to overcome it. Of course, that could not have been any more wrong.

The second ad I saw was Gilbert Arenas complaining about riding the pine for the first 40 games of his rookie season, even though the asshole ended up starting 30 games that year. Then he goes on to say he wanted to prove everyone wrong by getting really good. Once again, I rationally assumed that he was a late round draft pick with very little to offer. Nope. The prick went 31st overall out of Arizona. If anything, you should be trying to prove to people you deserved to be picked that high. Fuck you Gilbert, you're a shit stain on society.

The best ad of the bunch has to go to Reggie Bush's horrifying tale of adversity. "Six games into the season, I still had no touchdowns. I got a little frustrated." You mean this poor guy had to suffer through a national championship and Heisman Trophy at USC (think of the tang), getting drafted 2nd overall, AND not scoring for six weeks? Jesus H. Christ. If bosses were more like Mr. Tarkanian, we wouldn't have to worry about shit like this.

Soulja Boy is Killing Music

2008-02-17T15:29:00.007-06:00

When you hear the words "music" and "talent" together, what do you think of?

Personally, I think of all of the following: a strong voice, maybe a different sounding voice(ex. Michael Jackson, Anthony Kiedis), great ability to play instruments, creative and catchy song writing, singing your emotions and how you feel, letting the music flow through you, a love of playing your instrument, all stuff kind of like that.
That's what I think of. You know what I don't think of? Soulja Boy.

Question. What talent does Soulja Boy have? He was nominated for a Grammy. He must some talent. There must be something that separates him from the rest of the music world.

Fuck you asshole

Answer: Soulja Boy is fucking devoid of any talent whatsoever.

The abomination that was "Crank That" took the world by storm. Idiots everywhere were doing that stupid dance. Society took one look at Soulja Boy, lifted him on its shoulders, stood up, and took a giant crap on every single hard-working musician with common sense.

A visit to Youtube courtesy of Pigbearman? provided me the opportunity to watch Soulja Boy's new video, called "YAAAH!!" or something. Soulja isn't stupid, he realized how his shitty dance got so popular, so he made up something he thought was catchy.

Here's an excerpt.

"When someone you don't wanna talk to is all up in your face and trying to talk to you ya'll go YAAAAAH TRICK YAAAAAH!!!"

Alright...that is not a saying. YAAH? What does that even mean? Like...Jesus. I can't even think of anything to say to something like that. It's so...dumb...makes no sense...plain stupid. And ...aaaAAARGGGGHHH WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

If I'm talking to someone in person or on the phone and they say YAAAH to end the conversation, I would hunt that person down and rip out their throat. The worst thing is that people even recognize this garbage. No one should ever even be hearing this stuff. It isn't music. He sounds like Timmy from South Park in his YAAH video (GibbidibiliAAHH)for Christ's sake. Am I bitter this asshole kid is making millions off of retarded songs? You bet your ass I am. This is bullshit. I want to make money for being retarded.

Here...I've got it...the next craze! Whenever you have to fart, you yell "CHEEEEETTTOOOSSSSS!"

ZOMG! Genius! Where's Def Jam Records? Sign me to a contract, you fucking bozos!

...

2008-02-14T10:36:00.000-06:00

A New Feature- MBS post

2008-02-13T22:26:00.003-06:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce a new feature called an MBS post, or Message Board Style post. We will discuss certain issues, as a message board does, in the comments. The issues can be completely random, and anyone is welcome and encouraged to bring up an issue that they want to discuss. Any topic will do.

These posts will come up every so often, but should be debated about until a settlement is reached. Only once a conclusion on the issue is reached will the discussion end. The dialogue should be mature and thoughtful, and any comments not on the topic or just blatant insults will be deleted. I feel this will be a great way to figure out life's mysteries and it should be interesting as well.

Today's issue is...Dogfucking. Take it to the comments. I'll start.

More Motivation

2008-02-13T03:31:00.012-06:00

Those motivational style posters got me thinking of ones I saw the other day. Here.

And some other pics I found funny...

Yahoo has awesome stories

2008-02-12T16:08:00.000-06:00

Gee, I wonder what guys REALLY want on Valentine's Day.
The girl's other arm is the reason that guy is smiling.

Now I want to share some pictures I have that I think are funny. Some I've already posted, but they deserve a second look.

This is much worse than that girl who put her thong on sideways.

A girl trying to get that "hot look"

World's best halloween costume

Want to workout? F--k you.

2008-02-12T00:15:00.000-06:00

At the gym today, there were many people who drew my ire. My IRE! And God knows my ire isn't easily drawn out.

I will now hand out the coveted "fuck you" awards to those people.

Fuck you really fat people, quit eating fast food and become average already. I don't give a shit how unfortunate your circumstances are, you shouldn't have become fat in the first place. Ooooo you're really fat and now you wanna slim down? You're a goddamn inspiration. Fuck you. And fucking spandex. The last thing I want to see are your individual rolls compressing while you do calisthenics.

Fuck you kids who are playing in the back or waiting for their parents. Your reactions aren't fast enough. When I'm power-walking down the hallway to the weight area, you should be pressing yourselves against the fucking wall as I walk by, not trying to figure out whether to avoid me from the left or right. And when I want a drink from the fountain, I want to drink from the fountain NOW. I'm not waiting for some little pussy who can't figure out how to work the bar that makes water come out. Want water? I'll shove your head in a fucking toilet and you can drink that you little cocksucker.

Fuck you muscleheads. You work out way too much. Your body looks stupid.

I'd rather keep extending my limbs to their full capacity thank you very much.

More later.

Pre-Game Superbowl Genius

2008-02-03T13:49:00.000-06:00

Howard: JOE! Hey JOE, we're out of clips to show for the superbowl pre-game show!

Joe: Well put something on! We can't go back to the panel yet, they're not ready.

Howard: EGADS! There's nothing! Wait a second.

...

Ah HA!

...

I've got one! Play it.

Joe: Alright, here goes.

"I'm Rodney Harrison, strong safety for the New England Patriots. My brother used to call me 'Doodie' because I had really bad gas."

(ends)

Joe: That.Was.AWESOME.

The Masses Are Mentally Retarded

2008-01-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

"Meet The Spartans" beat out "Rambo" and "Untraceable" for no. 1 at the box office.

Huh?

It doesn't matter if you think Stallone is too old, don't like gory movies, not in the mood for action, feel like seeing a funny movie, or whatever. But if you knowingly and willingly choose to see "Meet The Spartans" over any other movie in theatres, you are a goddamn retard.

Is society this fucked up that any dickhead can gather all the pop-culture fads in to one giant bowl, take a proverbial dump in this bowl, and put it in theatres to make millions? The answer is yes.

This travesty pretty much coincides with news in general today. People prefer to know every little detail about a meaningless person than about events that could affect their lives. Example. Headline on Yahoo today: Halle Berry gets new haircut

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

Thank God! It's a good thing Yahoo is on top of this breaking news! Oh, this just in, Christian Bale just had a poop! And look at Mariah Carey's new dress! AND FUCK MY ASS WITH A GRAPEFRUIT ANGELINA JOLIE IS WALKING HER DOG IN THE PARK! Who cares that the government is imposing new laws and cutting benefits in different programs? That stuff is soooo boring!

The directors and writers of Meet the Spartans(as well as Epic Movie, Date Movie): Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck you Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Fuck all your stupid movies. You two ballsack lickers are just feeding the idiot's hunger for life-engulfing celebrity news.

Jason and Aaron on set, plum full of douchejuice

I can't imagine going their movies and not being totally hammered. I'm guessing I'd become more and more enraged with each passing unfunny joke until I stood and yelled: THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST FUCKING MOVIE IN THE WORLD. Then I'd pick up people in the theatre and throw them into the screen(probably).

Yet Meet the Spartans is the movie of choice for the masses. It raked in 18.7 million in its opening weekend, which, according to my calculations if each ticket was 10$, makes 1.87 million undiagnosed mentally handicapped people.

The Fresh Prince Previews the Superbowl

2008-01-22T19:21:00.000-06:00

Will: Yo whats the hot pick with all da honeys? Uhuhuhuh Y'NAWIM SAYIN??
See, whatever the honeys like, I like! Y' NAWIM SAYIN??

(enter Carlton)

Carlton: You know WILL, I think the people expect an actual answer. You side-stepped the question and did not actually give an articulated answer. Also, You can't expect to treat women like objects your entire life. You need to grow up, Will. You MUST change.

Will: Carlton, you MUST grow.

(They get in each other's grills)

Carlton: Hey MISTER, I'm sick of your constant insults. Someone needs to teach you a lesson. Grow up. Why don't you act like an adult?

Will: Why don't you look like one?

(enter Uncle Phil)

Phil: Alright you two, settle down. (rings bell)Geoffrey?

(enter Geoffrey)

Geoffrey: You rang?

Phil: It's almost time for lunch Geoffrey. Can you please start making lunch?

(enter Jazzy Jeff as Phil is speaking)

Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Phil: "We" eat here soon, "you" eat here never.

Jazz: (looking Phil up and down) Looks like "you" eat here often.

Carlton: I agree with the big guy, it's time for lunch. Geoffrey, I would simply enjoy a sandwich for lunch today. Can you make me a sandwich?

Geoffrey: Certainly, sir.

Geoffrey:(placing a slice of bread on Carlton's head) There you are.

(enter Hilary)

Hilary: Omigod everyone! I was totally in a bug spray commercial today and there were these super hot guys everywhere! And look, they gave me a fake bug! Like, EW!

Carlton: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH(runs away screaming)

Will: Man, you'd think someone just told him he couldn't wear plaid for the rest of his life. Maybe then he'd get some honeys!! Y'NAWIM SAYIN?

Jazz: Weren't you people s'posed ta be previewing sumpin?

Green Bay Citizens Devastated

2008-01-20T23:10:00.000-06:00

Football season is over.

Alright everyone, BACK TO THE PILE.

Sports Headline Writers Everywhere Rejoice

2008-01-20T22:13:00.000-06:00

Aw man.

(Packers win coin toss in overtime)

How about..."Nice Try Eli" That's pretty good. It should be something with Favre, assuming they win here. Maybe "Brett's Back." That's pretty good. Let's go with that.

(Favre throws interception)

Dammit...alright, what else we got? The Giants should win here now. Alright, how about "Eli Leads Giants"...that's not really creative. At all.

(Tynes kicks winning field goal)

Well, now it's for sure something about the Giants. Don't want to say anything bad about poor old Brett Favre. Faggot.

Something with Lawrence Tynes after he missed those first two. "Redemption for Lawrence" Nah thats really bad.

Whoa hold on. I got it. Tynes missed two possible game winners. He hit the third one. So? "Third Time's The Charm" Genius hey? What do you think Bob? Isn't it great?

Bob Cobb: You should change "Time's" to "Tynes." "Third Tynes The Charm"

GOOD GOD BOB COBB. That is the headline of the century right there. No one can top that. Ever. Just looking at you is making me love you, Bob. May I enter you?

Bob: You may.

The Great Debaters

2008-01-18T15:21:00.000-06:00

You know that movie with Denzel?

Why oh why couldn't they have called the "Master Debaters"??

Poll News

2008-01-18T14:41:00.000-06:00

According to a recent Yahoo Sports poll, 39% of people think Tim Duncan is an all time great, and 61% of people think he is great but too soft.

Studies also show that 100% of people would shit their pants if they ran into Ben Wallace on the street, and 73% of people think Drew Gooden's beard is actually his own pubic hair. So.

Patriots News Conference Today

2008-01-18T13:54:00.000-06:00

News conferences are such bullshit. The players never actually answer the questions because if they actually give a concrete answer the media will blow it out of proportion. All you hear are really vague, long speeches about how the team is coming together blah blah blah blah.

So what if Tom Brady could really express his feelings during a press conference?
(Actual Questions)

Hey Tom, do you think the success of football players depends on hard work or God-given talent?

That's a really dumb question. You obviously need the biological advantages, and it's also obvious you need to work hard at something. A midget could work his ass off and never even make his high-school football team. Some dickwad could have all the best advantages, but if he doesn't work hard then he'll go nowhere. Really, you couldn't answer this yourself? Just because you're in the room doesn't mean you should say something. Jesus.

Is it more fun to score 42 points in a half or win at the last second?

Well beating the shit out of a bad team isn't really that fun. It gets boring, you know? You prepare all week, waste all that time, come out, and the other team is fucking chickens out there. The only real "fun" part is crushing the hopes of thousands of fans. I'd rather win at the last second.

You said you took a nap before the superbowl against the rams, but your team has said they're full of adrenaline, so how are you this week?

I took a nap because I was tired. Who gives a shit? Next question.

Does pressure affect you good or bad?

See these rings? Let's try and figure out if I'm good under pressure. Let's seeeee. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...I'm not sure...anyone want to guess?

How has life changed as you get older?

Oh good question. I get to have sex with hotter women for sure. That's the main thing. I thinks that's really all that matters for me. I mean, in 3 years I'll be humping some perfect sex robot.

Now a question for you, Bill, how have you kept the players egos in check?

mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble

Roger Goodell reacts to the Sunday's upsets

2008-01-13T21:33:00.000-06:00

(Preparing for Superbowl with staff Sunday night)

Alright guys...and girl! Heh Heh Can't forget about you Amber! Anyway... Thanks for coming.

Hope everyone had a good time during our staff vacation in Thailand.

I know I did.

Two words.

Tsunami. Orphans.

Anyway...

Well...It's been a fairly slow week. The plans to maximize profits during these playoffs have gone as planned. I can't foresee any problems we could run into this weekend, where the Colts should easily handle the Chargers and the Cowboys will beat the Giants. I mean, everyone knows Rivers is a fucking whiny bitch anyway, so nothing will change if we tell the refs to call the game in the Colts favour. Not that we'd even have to do that, considering how shitty the Chargers are. Obviously the Cowboys will win. The Giants suck so bad.

Yeah.
What?
Are you kidding?
Jeff, they have ELI MANNING.
ELI MANNING IS THEIR STARTING QUARTERBACK, JEFF.

Ooooo a great pass rush? Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. A great pass rush means nothing if your entire secondary have their arms up to their elbows in each other's asses for 3/4 of a game. Back on topic.

Alright, so just so everyone's got it straight. Colts and Patriots will be a huge draw. Packers and Cowboys will be a huge draw. This year we're gonna have to take the profit hit in the Superbowl. The Patriots will walk all over the Cowboys, and there's nothing we can do about that. The conference championships will more than make up for it though.

God, can you guys imagine the shit that would fly if those teams lose today? Hahahahaha a Packers-Giants conference final? If you'd said that to me at the beginning of this season I would have burned you at the stake immediately. Like seriously, just fucking shoot me if that ever happens. And the Chargers? Fuck right off. That would be fucking terrible for everyone, ever, if those teams win. A fucking travashamockery.

Intercom: Mr. Goodell, sorry to disturb you but I think you should turn on the TV and check out the highlights of the games.

(click)

Why? What could be so impor...aw fuck.

f

2008-01-08T10:31:00.001-06:00

go see it

Tom Brady's perfect season MY ASS

2008-01-05T18:08:00.000-06:00

Oooooooooooo congratu-fucking-lations TOM.

Touchdown records, undefeated season, hottest girlfriend, the list goes on and on.

You may get MVP, but I'll be damned if you win a UNANIMOUS MVP. You may be the Golden Boy of America, but I'm gonna be that giant genital wart to your meaty cock. I will be that little nuisance that just eats at you day...by day....by day. That's right. I voted Brett Favre for MVP.

Suck on that you fucking twat.

Do you play team deathmatch? You do? You're a communist.

2008-01-03T19:43:00.000-06:00

While playing Call of Duty 4 today I realized something. More on that later.

Team Deathmatch is far and away the most popular multi-player scenario out of the 20 or so that exist. At least 80% of all people playing are playing Team Deathmatch. The teams are divided up equally, or least as equal as the rankings make them out to be.

My gameplay strategy is this: I try to maintain a good kill/death ratio, thereby ensuring I am doing my part to win my team the game. I will not lose the game for my team, you can bet your ass on that. I won't have a ridiculous number of kills, but you'll be fucked sideways by a tractor if I'm on your team and we lose because of me. I like to work with my teammates to win.

This is a smart strategy, and I am no doubt not the only one who uses it.

HOWEVER, there are those who have the sole goal of getting points(in real-world= money). Some people do things solely to benefit themselves, not caring if the team wins or not. Get 24 kills and 32 deaths? Who cares, you're at the top of the leaderboard on your team. When you lose, make sure you declare how everyone below you sucks and how they cost you the game.

If you have two teams and one has only a couple guys who do really good, with the other team having everyone doing their part and doing decent, the second will win hands down. Why? Communism.

So what I've realized is that communism works. The team with everyone working together and each doing their part will win every time.

Of course, using you could sit in a corner and shoot everyone that came around the corner, but that's just gay.

2007-12-30T13:36:00.000-06:00

Hey Adrian! You're having a decent day today. Minus that fumble that just occured. Mmm those constant fumbles might be your demise. Maybe you should consider acting. Your twin did alright with that.

Time for Round 2

2007-12-23T01:40:00.000-06:00

Neckbeard had high expectations against a very weak Minnesota passing defence, but failed to come through. Although a little old now, from KSK:

"I have a friend who has another friend who is roommates with Orton. Apparently, Orton was very displeased about the prospect of starting for the Bears, because it meant the end of the gravy train. He knows he isn't good enough to be a pro QB, and that he looks far more appealing on the bench than in a real game. I love Kyle Orton."

You just know that has to be true.

He gets another shot against a much better Green Bay defence. I think it's safe to say we can expect 4 first downs and 175 total yards from Chicago (at best). Chicago's defence won't be able to force the Packers into making as many mistakes as Tarvaris Jackson, therefore they won't get as many field goal opportunities in Green Bay's half (the only way they score points with Orton).

And the neckbeard on Neckbeard? Still stronger than ever.

5 Reasons Why MTV is Destroying the World

2007-12-23T00:02:00.000-06:00

MTV is the worst thing (animal, company, corn products, etc.) ever. Here's why.

1.Programming

MTV puts shows like "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and "The Hills" on tv. What are they about? Snotty, slutty, rich girls who do whatever the fuck they want and generally act like bitches the entire time. Well...that'll help how people see women. The more girls see these fake actresses acting like morons, the more they try and imitate it.

" Oh my Gawwwwd, did you see Jessica was totally hitting on Jason yesterday, and LIKE DID YOU SEE HER TUBE TOP???"

The shows are about nothing. Fake, scripted lives that encourage zero thinking. It's putting your own life on hold to watch a fake life of someone else. MTV tries to make the viewer think they're watching a real important life and how "cool" people live their life. Let's all aspire to be retarded!
What is MTV? Shit. Plain and simple. They might as well have some guy taking a dump on TV for 24 hours a day. Hell, I'd watch that. At least then I'm not being fooled into thinking I'm watching anything more.

2. The guy that looks like Jake Gyllenhaal on those aftershows

First off, not only do they make stupid fake life shows that look real, they have shows on what people watching the shows think. Frankly, I'm surprised the people on the aftershow have discovered they have the ability to form coherent words using their mouths.

This "Dan Levy," as I guess he's known, host these aftershows. He leads these idiot conventions. So...Dan Levy, fuck you and die.

3. Required Thinking

MTV encourages the viewer to become wrapped up in scripted lives, using the aftershows to further analyze this pointlessness. It's like minus thinking.

Stephen King wrote a book called Cell, where a signal was emitted at once through all cell phones immediately in use at the time. This signal completely erased all natural instincts of the human brain, "erasing their hard drives." People who weren't on their phones at the time of this possible terrorist signal promptly got on their cell phones to tell other people about the crazy behaviour they saw, then got their minds erased by the signal. People, understandably, became absolutely fucking crazy and stupid.

MTV is that signal.

Not only does it fuck up your mind, it fucks it up so much you become dumber by watching it.

4. Lack of sports

There's no sports. In fact, if there was ever anything opposite to sports, it would be MTV. MTV is to sports what David Wells is to dieting. They're just that far apart.

MTV encourages distractions from the things that matter, namely sports.

5. The tangled web of influence

MTV should be watched solely by girls between the age of 13 and 20. Anyone outside of that group should either be:

a. a pedophile trying to learn how to talk like teenage girls

b. someone who, while flipping through the channels, saw a girl in a bikini and stopped to check her out.

The thing is, this influence on teenage girls extends to the people around them. Girls watch shows like "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." The girl's perception of the right guy becomes some open-collared, muscly-armed douchebag that looks like a 25 year-old no matter what age they are. Now obviously women can control guys, so they'll shape the guy to their liking, making the guy into a different person. This new image starts to wear off on other guys as they see that these douchebags get the girls. The virus spreads from there.

God I hate MTV.

Here we go

2007-12-17T19:31:00.000-06:00

It's the night of reckoning...

LIGHT IT UP NECKBEARD

Dumbass LeRetard

2007-12-14T16:48:00.000-06:00

I'm Dan LeBatard! I'm retarded! BAM!

God PTI sucks if its not Tony and Mike

Ads I Approve Of, and Ads I Do Not

2007-12-13T21:57:00.000-06:00

Approve- The Jeep Liberty commercial with the animals falling into the Jeep. First the squirrel, then the birds, then the wolf. Seriously I really love this commercial. It's hilarious. Why are they falling into the jeep? Why does the guy look like if he stops singing they'll kill him? Who cares? Funny shit.

Approve- The pepsi commercial with tony romo. I hated this commercial when it first came out, but now I've grown fond of it. FAR-LAAAHHH!!It must have grown on me. Wade doesn't question the play at all. I also like Tony Romo give the play in the huddle. There's no questioning the play-calling on this team at all.

Disapprove- Accutron. A watch commercial. So what happens in it? A fairly muscular man takes his shirt off and the camera rotates around him. A girl does the same thing in a sports bra. The shot alternates between rotating around the man, the woman, and the watch. Are they implying that the watch is nicely sculpted? Is it possible they are retarded?

Disapprove- Bell commercials. The badly animated beavers are so unfunny. Why they the continue putting them in commercials is beyond me.

Disapprove- Obviously all Rogers commercials. They'll only get worse this holiday season too.

Approve- The Chuck Norris commercial for some soft drink.

Disapprove- The "My Sportscenter" commercials. The people doing them always say stupidly scripted things with short halting pauses in between really fast shots of their sport. I hate them.